Day 32
Not much to say today. Except I'm on much better mood. Having my band over for a rehearsal for few days is a fantastic distraction from all my BS... So yea, having good time drumming, not much time to think of anything else.
Glad to hear you are doing better Larissa, you definetly need some time for yourself! <3
(22-07-2021, 09:51 PM)HelloDiDi Wrote: [ -> ]Day 31
I'm making some progress getting out of the rut I've had on for the last five days. Today was fucking horrible too. Until my band arrived. Playing drums is a perfect way to disassociate from my body and my problems for a while. Right now I'm having the exhausted but satisfied afterglow of a rehearsal going on, feeling ok for now... Ok enough to post something. I love my band, they're such a cheer to have around. Takes my mind elsewhere and that of course cheers me up. Anyway, I have bunch of issues which transitioning pushes to the surface as I'm rewriting my whole life and I must go through my entire character and personality and body image issues and all that stuff. And it ain't easy. Its a personal hell as I've had a tough ride to get where I am now and its nothing to brag about. I've had a lot of crap happen which I don't wish to anyone, at least no one as sensitive as I am. People keep on saying how strong I am, but bullshit, I'm sensitive and insecure as heck and only made it alive this far with stubborn dumb determination and fools hope that there will be better time coming. And the cynic in me keeps on laughing about such bullshit.
Anyway, this post is quite different, I'm going to quote myself with something I said on BN Discord server today as this has to do with my transition, NBE and my problems in general and little bit of something I've noticed happening here since I haven't been posting pictures that frequently and switching from herbs to HRT... Partially but anyway. And don't be offended, a lot of this shite is nothing but my own twisted perception and my issues taking far too much control.
Quote:Its just not really encouraging...
I worked my ass off that first year with noogle and massage and got what, two or three cup sizes out of that in rather short time? That set up my expectations quite high and I wasn't going to be satisfied with anything less. I went on herbs and it seemed that everything slowed down to a crawl. I remember well how much I was complimented for that fast initial progress I got. Then I get on better program and things start to take a turn. I budded so well and I remember how I loved that first initial growth pain which hasn't been the same since excluding some odd days here and there. Then I go on Lotus program which made things go exponentially better.
And now on HRT which hasn't even had the time to do much. And I know very well that since I budded has been less than a year, breast development takes anything from two years up to five or even longer...
Heck some older trans women have had growth going for up to ten years from what I've seen and read about. So yea, I'm still just a newbie, but I was praised so much and the interest was just out of this world awesome. And now it seems that almost nobody cares except for few friends. And then there's a newbie who's waltzing through the same development and more than what I've got since the day I started with heck of a lot of work and I see how the focus is shifting and only less than five people seem to pay any attention any more.
It makes it all feel like I've worked for nothing. Of course, its about my own comfort in my body more than anything else, but I wanted for once to be special and to succeed at something and now it seems I'm not more special than anybody else. And others around me are breezing through stuff which has taken ages to happen to me. Its eating away my motivation to continue posting and to document this stuff or to take pictures.
A lot of the reason why I have been so consistent and thorough is that I feel that I'm important and helpful and that's not about me, its about others. But lately I've felt like I'm not important or needed any more. I've felt like I'm not interesting any more. I'm just an ordinary trans chick like any other and not even that great at it...
You know DIDI there will be a day sooner than you think when you look back on this down -time and say to yourself, " I can't even remember why I felt so low!" And coincidentally, that will be your day of self recognition! it's just around the corner. You don't even need to look for it! Hang in there you are on the right path.
Cat
Its really difficult to believe into that when my results seem like nothing, when people seem to loose their interest and the future is as uncertain as it gets... Its been really shitty time for me lately. Band mates and music is a good distraction for a while though... I dunno how its gonna go, I'm quite far from happy and motivated right now.
(24-07-2021, 03:49 AM)HelloDiDi Wrote: [ -> ]Its really difficult to believe into that when my results seem like nothing, when people seem to loose their interest and the future is as uncertain as it gets... Its been really shitty time for me lately. Band mates and music is a good distraction for a while though... I dunno how its gonna go, I'm quite far from happy and motivated right now.
I noticed there was a lot more traffic on your post during the hight of the global pandemic it might be that more people spent time on Reast Nexus.
I'm taking a break from social media. I need time off... Internet is destroying my sanity and I can't take it any more. Everything I see around me is success where I fail, the grass is so much greener on the other side... Its hurting me so much I just must go away for a bit. No BN, no Reddit, no Facebook, no Discord, no nothing for a while. I'm trying to arrange some time to go to the summerhouse with my gf without anything to worry about for a while.
I will likely come back in a week or so, I'm not sure yet. I just need to unwind and relax for a while. Obsessing about my body and my breasts and transitioning is not doing me any favors right now. I guess this is some kind of dark night of the soul I'm experiencing. Its ever so slightly better now, I'm so busy rehearsing and stuff I have no time to think about my own personal hell, but I'm not fixed yet.
I'll come back later once I feel better. <3
I'm finding out about how to deal with medication, no help came from the Spanish clinic I contacted, apparently they're crowded with patients right now so they can't help me out. I also contacted Lena from Ukraine and that could work out, but I need to pay in Bitcoin and use a mail forwarding company to have it delivered in a way that will avoid customs. The prices are so insanely low I can't believe it though, I could get 18 month supply with about 150€ in total which is just crazy. But right now I'm short on money so I have to save up even for that.
I may go for it, this could sort out my HRT for a long time in one go. Then I of course need to learn how to inject. I hate needles, but there's not much I wouldn't do for this. Lena's HRT meds are so highly regarded and I've never read anything negative said about it, there's no way I could get anything better anyway. Finnish trans clinic does shitty job prescribing decent medication, they tend to go with tiny doses and always start out ridiculously inefficient and they almost never prescribe injections from what I know. So its very likely that my only option for actually good HRT is to do it myself.
If I decide to go for it, I would then need them to hand me a prescription for progesterone and help with control and labs. And I can always switch over to other options if I decide to do so. Getting meds from Lena would sort out so much all at once. Year and half supply so cheap would be nothing short of amazing to get.
(25-07-2021, 07:53 AM)HelloDiDi Wrote: [ -> ]I'm finding out about how to deal with medication, no help came from the Spanish clinic I contacted, apparently they're crowded with patients right now so they can't help me out. I also contacted Lena from Ukraine and that could work out, but I need to pay in Bitcoin and use a mail forwarding company to have it delivered in a way that will avoid customs. The prices are so insanely low I can't believe it though, I could get 18 month supply with about 150€ in total which is just crazy. But right now I'm short on money so I have to save up even for that.
I may go for it, this could sort out my HRT for a long time in one go. Then I of course need to learn how to inject. I hate needles, but there's not much I wouldn't do for this. Lena's HRT meds are so highly regarded and I've never read anything negative said about it, there's no way I could get anything better anyway. Finnish trans clinic does shitty job prescribing decent medication, they tend to go with tiny doses and always start out ridiculously inefficient and they almost never prescribe injections from what I know. So its very likely that my only option for actually good HRT is to do it myself.
If I decide to go for it, I would then need them to hand me a prescription for progesterone and help with control and labs. And I can always switch over to other options if I decide to do so. Getting meds from Lena would sort out so much all at once. Year and half supply so cheap would be nothing short of amazing to get.
DiDi,
Let me point you to "MeganJ" on this forum. She is injecting. She has been very helpful to me in this regard. You might send MeganJ a private message and have a chat with her on Lena and injecting and the good results.
Cat
Hi DiDi,
I am on Lena's EEn. Lena's injections are really good from my experience. It takes some work to get them but its fairly easy. Just get started, it will only take a few days and those juicy E injections will be on the way to your doorstep.
If you have any questions just DM me.
xoxo ~ Maze
Hi Didi
I guess your finding out that changing genders is not just about tits.
Thanks for keeping the thread going since I am sure there are many more to come that will be going through the same experience.
HUGGS
Bobbi