I have never been hated by another trans woman before.
I'm not used to this... Its confusing. Projecting ones own bitterness and dysphoria in a way of bashing others is so wrong on so many levels. Specially when it comes from someone my elder who's been transitioning for a longer time, someone who should know better? There are not two transitions which are alike as there's no two trans people who are alike. Some are lucky, others aren't so. But why the projection, why misgendering? Punching where it certainly hurts?
Yes I was fucking badly hurt today, blatant lies. I know because my experience tells me so. But this kinda stuff always stays lingering around, it plants doubts and fear, what if that person was right? What if I am an ugly masculine fat dude who will never even remotely look like a lady? There's a reason why most of us try to be supportive of each other and play nice. Hugboxing isn't good, but being a total cunt is uncalled for! I wanted to help, comfort and give some ideas, and then as a thanks I get misgendered and treated like shit. By another trans woman of all people! Our of extreme jealousy, which is obviously dysphoria driven?! WTH? I 100% completely understand how that works, hell I know how extreme dysphoria is like, but I ain't running around spitting venom on others because of it. I envy, I get angry, I get depressed and sad and cry because my body isn't quite what I wish if would be, but damn I do everything I can to not hurt anyone else because of my own body being T ravaged bulky masculine ugly mess to what I'm trying to do possibly too late damage control!
GODDAMMIT I know how its like to be absorbed into pitch black raging self hatred! I lived that life for fucking thirty five years until I dared to do something about it! And I'm DAMN PROUD I did! But at very least, I am not shitting on my sisters for being less in luck than a lot of them are, specially younger girls who got to start much earlier than me. I could hate them with burning passion if I allowed myself to, but I'm not. Its not worth it. Its a complete waste of time to let self hatred and envy to rot our hearts. Writing about it feels also like a waste of time but I want to get this off my chest right now.
I was hurt, I'm still hurting. Its going to take time to work around this new layer of doubt that has been planted in my mind. But no worries, I'll get it sorted soon.
And this poor girl, HandofFate, who's so full of self hatred, I feel sorry for you. I wanted to help. At least comfort you. I wish you'll feel better soon and your body becomes your image, you deserve it. <3 <3