[HelloDiDi]

Thanks Wee2er.  

I'm heading back home today. Feeling a bit better, less stress for sure, but I still need more time and there's some important things I need to deal with. I already miss my therapy sessions. Next one is still quite ways away. Its weird how it feels more important and just better as time goes on and I love the ear acupuncture as its so relaxing. 

Me and gf did two quite long walks last week and I want to keep the routine going. Previous one was 7,84km and I burned 1256kcal according to the tracker program. Kinda cool how it calculates calories by weight, so hitting in my numbers resulted into this. Its no wonder because I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. Interestingly though, moving doesn't feel any heavier or more taxing than before so I presume I'm still quite fit despite lacking more rigorous exercise.

Seeing the scale at endocrinologist was a bit of a shock though. I have gained a lot of weight since starting HRT, going back and forth, but ended up slowly gaining. I'm fine with it, its not hampering me from exercise or active lifestyle, its not stopping me from getting my surgeries either as everything except vocal chords is pocketed now. If I need to drop BMI to 35 for SRS, that's totally cool with me as its not a huge effort either. It was just nuts to see that I weight around 280lbs these days. How is it possible that I'm so heavy, yet so fit that long walks and stuff don't wear me down more than before? Feels strange, ten years ago I started to get that exhausted heavy feeling when I went over 230lbs... Maybe healthier lifestyle does it? I don't smoke any more, I rarely drink more than few beers, I eat healthier and take bunch of supplements which are generally healthy stuff to take. But still three years without a lot of exercise outside of walks and housework and yet somehow I'm fine moving around much more weight than before? Its quite crazy to feel more fit and healthy at forty than I did at thirty.  I guess dropping bad habits and all those hours hiking, running, bike riding and weight lifting haven't gone to waste, I'm just bit out of practice at the moment and need to get back at it. BMI be screwed, curves and fitness to carry them is what I want.

Then something about hormone sorcery

I'm running out of things, I'm broke af because moving made so much extra expenses, so I have to prioritise a lot. I'm off of milk thistle, soon off of Ginseng too. I'm running low on glandulars and L-tyrosine but going to restock very soon. I will keep all topicals going to the best of my ability as its magic! The DMSO + Oleic acid combo is so good for absorbing it, NOTHING remains in morning, it all goes right through the skin and doses used are still tiny. No ill effects, but everything good instead! What I've changed on that is that I rub it all into my breasts, then take all extra and rub that to thighs, hips and butt. Once that is done, I apply my skincare stuff on my face and what ever remains of the whole concoction, ends up helping with skincare routine and omg does it work! Also, I've done DMSO cream and two drops of Volufiline oil on my lips for quite a while and they're getting noticeably thicker.

I'm very pleased with taking along the Vitex(Chasteberry) and EPO (omega6) combination to my evening routine. I stocked up with a four month supply on same doses and will keep it going. Its amazing! It'll be interesting to see soon what will VItex do to Prog levels as my friend is gifting me a few month supply and Vitex should boost Prog levels. I haven't experienced any volume loss since stopping progesterone which is quite neat, so something is either keeping its effects going or it does not give me the temporary swelling some people get from it. I have idea why, I was scared that stopping Prog would make me lose volume, but that hasn't been the case. The opposite is, I'm growing at same or faster pace than before, zero loss of volume, but I did note effect on my sleep and mood on which Progesterone has been very beneficial.


Then something I've been thinking about lately.

Further I go, more I've become to lean into old school type of thinking about transition and trans women in general. I'm becoming quite far transmedicalist and truscum, but at the same time I strongly oppose gate keeping and I'm all for medical anarchy. So what am I? I think r/estrogel admin coined the term for this, she called herself a trans separatist. She's really into the same thinking as I am and feels alienated by the "scene" and trendies.

But why is it that most trans women who think like this are hyper fem, they do the performative beauty standard shit really well, adhere to misogynistic patriarchal idea of women, they often appear extremely shallow and rigid in their thinking, especially the types who are visibly on social media. I'm not gonna name names here, but it should be obvious. These people appear to be "trans elitist" more than anything else. They're seemingly always early starters, white/European looking and privileged af so that they can get every surgery under the sun to do the performance of femininity. I have never seen one of this type who isn't near perfect carbon copy of typical IG model. Pleasing to men, caricature of the misogynistic beauty fascism.

I feel even more alien because of them. I'm obviously one of the trans separatists like that Reddit admin person because fuck gate keeping and fuck beauty standards. But yet I want to assimilate and become quite beauty standard conforming myself.... Its a bit conflicting to exist like this. I'm not calling myself an outsider for nothing. It certainly feels like it. Only very few are my kind of people.

[HelloDiDi]

Todays makeup. First time trying magnetic lashes. Easy to apply but eyeliner is pain in the ass to get anywhere near good. I think my face has changed a lot, makeup didn't quite used to have this effect.

[Ninja]

Lara the 3rd picture is fantastic you look so beautiful. Your face has really changed in the last few months getting more  feminine every day. 
those lashes really bring your eyes out and as always fantastic lips ----very kissable 

[Mashtenn]

You look awesome.  You did such a great job with your makeup.  It shows how pretty you are.  I realize that you have had such a hectic past month or so but your determination is showing great results.  Hang in there.

[HelloDiDi]

Thank you Ninja and Mashtenn.  

I think so too, facial changes are coming in fast right now. I didn't use to look like that with makeup before... Of course I'm getting better at it, but my face isn't what it was just like a year ago.

Then something interesting about NBE, I updated my year three timeline which is coming to a close very soon. See last three months, before that I had the fat transfer surgery, then last three months, see the change and where the biggest difference is? What does it? What are the things I've introduced in last three months? 


I've been on Volufiline for three months, Pioglitazone for two, DMSO + oleic acid + Estriol cream for one. It is suspected that Volufiline has a cumulative effect and this sure looks like it. I know for a fact that Pio does help fat formation in girly spots and topical program gets quite enhanced with absorbing agents... I'm still looking into how to improve this and I might have something in works.

I should show how my lower body is changing some time soon as there's a whole lot happening right now. Pio is definitely adding thickness to my hips and thighs. That also tends to get better after first month so I'm expecting more changes. Its going so well I might continue further than the planned three months in one go. I have enough stock to keep going for another ten months if I feel like it.

[Billie]

Hello Hello, Hello LL. I have had some success thickening my hips and inner outer thighs. I have been using Binaural Beats Meditation for breast growth. But I  have been using meditation for feminine curves. I believe people don't believe meditation can help grow breasts or hips/thighs. I will take some progress pics soon.  My impression of your newest progress pics make me feel you look more natural or authentically female. I can say you look like my personal views of women with large breasts I saw. Also you compare very well. I married 2 large breasted women and again you remind me of  them.

[HelloDiDi]

Hi Billie. I think our minds are far more powerful than we give ourselves credit. Thinking your way into feminine curves is no joke, positive mindset is a huge factor on making it all work out and meditation is really beneficial also for mental health. I should get back into it, I used to meditate daily back in the day and it was really helpful for staying mindful and clearing away over thinking and so on. Which to me is easier said than done as I have hyperactive mind. I should get back into it as I know its so therapeutic...

I absolutely adore the changes lately. Especially with my face and over all figure. And yes, you are correct, I'm starting to look like a whole lot of curvy ladies, I know few who have similar height and build, its nothing short of amazing to look similar. Testament to how amazing human body can be and how much it can transform. Its kinda cute, my proportions are so similar to one of my class mates from art school. She was a good friend back then, almost like a big sister, funny thing is how transitioning has made me look so much like her.  


So, I pulled the trigger on Ewa Michalak bra. Buying another piggy in a bag and I really wish it fits close enough. Interestingly, ABTF gave me 85LL while Ewa Michalak store calculator gave me 90JJ, these are sister sizes in their system. The bra I got has quite stiff band, not much stretch in it, so I thought that I'll compromise and picked 90KK which is yet another sister size, right between the two calculator results. I took a band extension along with it just in case. That gives me seven settings to go either way with band length so I should be ok. I tend to pick a sister size with typically one size smaller band for extra support, but Polish brands are a grey zone and I don't know what to expect.

I know that the bra has quite narrow wires, the wild card is cup depth which I'm hoping not to be too much. It has huge side panels so side support should be good. Straps can be detached and crossed too so that can give little more room to play. The delivery is likely so slow I'll run out of time to return or change it if it wont fit which would mean 121€ blown away, money that I can't afford to throw into testing stuff that wont fit me, but right now I see no other way to approach my bra problem.

[SweetO]

My girl!!!

  It took me almost an hour to read the last pages on your thread (I had more than 10 pages!) but all I can say is: GOSH, you are thriving!!!    You look incredible!!!

A couple of questions:

Do you think you have stalled at this point? or you feel like some growth yet is plausible ?

Your makeup  awesome... may I ask which eye shadow palette were you using??

Also, which brand of volufiline are you using? It's kinda complex to find it in Europe

[HelloDiDi]

My girl!!!

  It took me almost an hour to read the last pages on your thread (I had more than 10 pages!) but all I can say is: GOSH, you are thriving!!!    You look incredible!!!

A couple of questions:

Do you think you have stalled at this point? or you feel like some growth yet is plausible ?

Your makeup  awesome... may I ask which eye shadow palette were you using??

Also, which brand of volufiline are you using? It's kinda complex to find it in Europe

Hi SweetO, where have you been?

Its going so well, last few months since my surgery have been amazing. Well, maybe the only minus is weight gain due to stress and lack of exercise until lately, but at least my surgeon told me not to worry and that it'll only be an asset in September when its all finished. I'm so excited for the second fat transfter! I'll get upper and outer fullness + as much volume as there is space for it. I told him to just go big.

I'm still growing, but the pace is slowly going down. I'm making a excel spreadsheet and a photoshop version of it so its easy to read, I got my measurements down since I started out and the development is looking like a bell curve, exactly how breast development tends to work. I'm approximately at late Tanner stage four or just about to enter early Tanner stage five. I'm expecting more because I'm well within a typical timeline for developing maturity. Right now I'm about 25 months into T4 and average duration is 3-5 years. I'm expecting it to end within a year or so and then I'm likely fully in T5. But of course there's no telling how long in total will it take and how much more I will grow. So far its been amazing success with no signs of coming to an end. If I had to guesstimate, I likely have at least two or three more years of somewhat active growth coming up. Likely it'll keep slowing down until the change is subtle and takes time. But there's the fact that growth potential will stay for life so who knows, time will tell.

Awww, thank you, the latest makeup experiment went so nicely. The pallette I used is Viva la diva brand, just ordinary set of metallic colours. Its amazing really, super easy to apply and looks so nice. I topped it off with a metallic chameleon colour which changes depending on what's below it.


The Volufiline oil I have is from Amazon at the moment, its the typical 100% version. Here's the link. 
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08C6Z...prod_image This big bottle can last for ages, with my use, its about three months supply. I've also ordered this from France couple of times, price per ml is about the same, brand is different, contents are same generic 100% oil. https://www.yesstyle.com/en/info.html/pid.1067345823 I have two of these on the way right now which I ordered on a whim as it was on nice discount a while back.

YesStyle is a bit random on stocking it, I had to wait for quite some time to get the latest ones. Before that it was in stock without a pause for quite some time. The Amazon one appears to be on stock all the time, but it shops from US so it takes a while to arrive here. Well worth it as the price isn't any worse.

[Stevenator_]

Further I go, more I've become to lean into old school type of thinking about transition and trans women in general. I'm becoming quite far transmedicalist and truscum, but at the same time I strongly oppose gate keeping and I'm all for medical anarchy. So what am I? I think r/estrogel admin coined the term for this, she called herself a trans separatist. She's really into the same thinking as I am and feels alienated by the "scene" and trendies.

But why is it that most trans women who think like this are hyper fem, they do the performative beauty standard shit really well, adhere to misogynistic patriarchal idea of women, they often appear extremely shallow and rigid in their thinking, especially the types who are visibly on social media. I'm not gonna name names here, but it should be obvious. These people appear to be "trans elitist" more than anything else. They're seemingly always early starters, white/European looking and privileged af so that they can get every surgery under the sun to do the performance of femininity. I have never seen one of this type who isn't near perfect carbon copy of typical IG model. Pleasing to men, caricature of the misogynistic beauty fascism.

I feel even more alien because of them. I'm obviously one of the trans separatists like that Reddit admin person because fuck gate keeping and fuck beauty standards. But yet I want to assimilate and become quite beauty standard conforming myself.... Its a bit conflicting to exist like this. I'm not calling myself an outsider for nothing. It certainly feels like it. Only very few are my kind of people.

I have absolutely no idea what any of this means, which is exactly why I never really have prescribed to labels. I'm me and only me. I think pronouns are some of the most evil mind fuckery ever invented, being close to common core math.

This is in no way whatsoever a criticism of you, Lara. It's just a criticism of the labels to be applied to the boxes that we're supposed to fit into. It's another reason I shrink further away from society in general.

It's almost like I'm at my breaking point now as I contemplate how we've gotten to a point with GMO Foods and Lab-Grown Meats snuck into our foods without us knowing, coupled with this forced pronouns jargon. It's been ten years now that I haven't watched TV and every day I seem to wish for the return of the horse & buggy.

Every day they tell us who to hate and who to be afraid of and I just don't know anymore. I'm at my saturation point and I just don't care anymore. I'm me and only me and I'm so over the language police.

Peace