[IanW55]

Hi D,

Body dysmorphia is evil and eats away at your inner beliefs, I know I have had it (nothiong to do with breasts') , a dear friend put me in touch with the right people to help me, I do not know how it goes in Finland so I can only tell you what I did here in the UK, that said it took nearly 7 months to get my head right.

The last 2 post's from Mashtenn and Stevenator is exactly what my therapist said, so lets get on with it, this is what I was told I will only give you the basics and in no particual order.

Q= Question from therapist to me.

Q. What do you think you look like and why.
Q. Do you think people are looking at you, if you do why do you think that.
Q. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be and what would you do
Q. Do you think your dress sense is attracting the wrong attention.
Q. Are you openly drawing attention to yourself
Q. How do you feel when your inner self thinks you are exposed to ridicule.

There ia a lot more to it but these are the few questions I was asked, again I was in therapy for about 7 months.

One thing was asked which I found really helpful.

Ask yourself, when you walk down the street or go into a supermarket did you notice other people, (my example was) did you see the gentleman who only had one eye or a facial deformity, did you see the woman with on earm or leg, well no I said.

Response back to me - Exactly, in todays age no one really pays attention to anyone else, this is because they are so involved with themselves unless you really draw attention to yourself.

As Mashtenn says, you have to learn to filter out the idiots, also What Stevenator said you may have to adapt your attire to suit the moment, and somewhere in Finland there will be people who can assist with that, your application of make up also advice on dressing to suit the moment.

My friend, try to use the system if you do not it will only get worse and may lead to the unthinkable, seek help it worked for me.

Good luck to you.
Liz
xx

[HelloDiDi]

Thanks Liz, that's a very insightful post.  

Those are interesting questions. About drawing attention, it depends, most of the time I dress like any run-off-the-mill 30-45 year old woman over here would. Lot of it is seasional obviously as Finland gets dark and cold and crappy for most of the year. But some times, I absolutely do draw attention if I'm on the mood for that and it gets both positive and negative attention, typically the worst is just some pissed off stares, good stuff some men being kinda nice and people treating me well, depends. A lot of the time I'm left alone as Finns don't normally poke into other peoples business much other than giving the looks.

My previous post kinda sidelined this too as I mentioned how different real life experience is from how I'm being treated online. Its a mixed and confusing response. The problem is that I suffer from very obvious body dysmorphia and most of the time, I'm unable to perceive myself correctly, my perceptions shifts and changes all the time and gender dysphoria makes this much worse as that has its own shroud of messed up perception with it.

Seeking help is a great idea and I got that in making, but the stupidly slow bureaucracy is making therapy insanely slow to get into, I've been working on it since late spring and I still have not got the govt backing to which I'm supposed to have the right. I will deal with a lot of this stuff with my therapist as my issues have ton to do with messed up self image and past trauma that has to do with this. (I have been massively body shamed since quite early childhood and this shit comes with scars.)

Anyway, thanks for your post, I'll think of those questions listed for sure.

[ChuckM]

When you post online you're asking for opinions and criticism, and that's what you'll get, both good and bad.  When you're out in public, people may react to you, either positively or negatively, but generally they just go about their day and seldom go out of their way to comment.  

As to feeling that your face isn't beautiful enough, that brings up a number of questions to think about.  There are many standards of beauty, what standard do you aspire to?, what do you want to achieve?, who do you hold up as an example of beauty?  Would you describe any of the women in your family as beautiful, would you want to look like any of them?

You've come a long way in your journey and achieved a lot, but the journey isn't over, so give yourself some time and you'll likely arrive physically and emotionally at the place you want to be.

Best regards,
ChuckM

[HelloDiDi]

[unnecessary quoting removed]














Online everything is crap, people behave like idiots as they think anonymity keeps them safe. Interestingly, nearly all negative things that have been said, came from cis men who knew my background. Those who did not know and presume me cis, are ALWAYS far more positive about everything, always, there is no exception to this. Then trans women are a mixed bag and I think I can know why. To some I'm dysphoria fuel.

Finns in particular are stoic and keep to themselves a lot, getting a reaction out of random stranger here isn't very common, most will not show a thing about what they might think. It makes people very hard to read but also when they do react openly and its obvious what they have in mind, kinda helpful. Usually they never say anything, but body language gives it away. Until it doesn't as its hard to read the most poker faced people on earth.

It isn't, I feel that there's two ways to it, paint it on or cut up my skull to million pieces and reassemble everything, but that would cost 20-30k€ which I can't ever have for it. I can't have FFS which might save the day... I have to "accept" things and I refuse to because to me that is like accepting failure. There are many, but then there's the universally pretty stuff that does not change. One such thing I've noted is lack of prominent feautures. I can't have that, I have some stuff which jumps out no matter what. I know women who are featureless, can look like anybody with makeup, they're always seen as very attractive no matter what. I used to date one like that, men flocked to her and I had to always be on my toes with it as it got very annoying, she was hit in many times right in front of me and so on. Without her painted on beauty, she looked like nobody because she's so featureless. Its strange, but this is obviously a thing that I can't ever get.

Who do I see beautiful, the kind I wish to be, I really can't say... I don't go after that because it would hurt too much and mess up my already bad mental health a lot. Btw, I happen to look a lot like plenty of my relatives do, I look like a bunch of them. Few cousins and my great aunt being the closest I think, I'm dropping a picture of her here, this is from 1932 and she was twenty one years old at that time. Weirdly I seem to share more traits with her than my grandmother.
   

To be honest, I don't think any of them are really beautiful. No lady in my family has much really feminine traits. But then they have strong eyebrows (My great aunt in the picture has obviously plucked hers.), high cheeks, hooded eyelids are quite typical, smallish looking eyes... M shaped hairline, that's interesting one as my grandma had it, her sisters had it and I have it too.. So I guess I shouldn't feel too bad for it? The thing I absolutely hate about my face is my jawline.. And just something androgynous I can't put my finger on, I don't know what does it, this might be my dysmorphia messing things up.

I don't think I can become actually really beautiful. I'm talking about the universally pretty traits, the stuff that is hard coded into most of us to perceive beautiful... The things that always exist no matter the beauty standards of the time and culture. Especially about my face.... Neck down I'm fine, big boobs, wide hips, after body contouring also slim waist, that always works no matter what. Anyway, I think I've been digging into this enough for now, I don't want to overthink of it as it is guaranteed to ruin my day and I haven't even had my breakfast yet.

[HelloDiDi]

I forgot to post this two days ago... I was surprised to see this much change when measurements didn't show as much. This is what has happened since I started the prolactin boosting herbals, everything else has been pretty much unchanged since except for pushing more hours into pumping.



   



I'm really unsure about the herbal program, it is working, but I think the doses are too low. Every time I've upped something, things have gotten somewhat better. I have now gone back and forth twice, almost reaching new records and then drying up again. I'm not sure what to do with this for now other than keep at it. I will try to restock on the herbal stuffs once more and maybe tweak the doses, if it wont work any better, then it will be time to evaluate the whole thing again. Mostly about what to take and how much.

[Niaja]

I forgot to post this two days ago... I was surprised to see this much change when measurements didn't show as much. This is what has happened since I started the prolactin boosting herbals, everything else has been pretty much unchanged since except for pushing more hours into pumping.







I'm really unsure about the herbal program, it is working, but I think the doses are too low. Every time I've upped something, things have gotten somewhat better. I have now gone back and forth twice, almost reaching new records and then drying up again. I'm not sure what to do with this for now other than keep at it. I will try to restock on the herbal stuffs once more and maybe tweak the doses, if it wont work any better, then it will be time to evaluate the whole thing again. Mostly about what to take and how much.

I see a definite change in the fullness of your breasts. The picture you posted of your relative from 1932 actually she is very pretty -I think you share a lot of her traits so guess what --you are a pretty girl 

[HelloDiDi]

I see a definite change in the fullness of your breasts. The picture you posted of your relative from 1932 actually she is very pretty -I think you share a lot of her traits so guess what --you are a pretty girl 

Thank you. My great aunt in the picture has a lot of the shared traits indeed, others who have a lot of the same looks as what I do are two of my cousins. Interestingly one is daughter of my aunt and other a daughter of one of my uncles. Maybe I could be 1930's pretty too. xD lol.

And boobs with added fullness, indeed! I think this is largely doing of the topical program along with highg prolactin doing its magic.

The point of this post though isn't about the pictures, its that I finally got the govt backing for my therapy!!!! It "only" took from summer to today to actually make a decision for it and agree to it. This means that I just got to message the trans clinic, their requirement for starting to book referrals was to get the therapy going and it will start next monday.... They should now book me professional laser and more importantly, vocalchold feminising surgery which comes with tracheal shave. GCS will not even be referred to before next year anyway, but these other things will get booked before it. Now there should be zero obstacles on the way, now I'm just waiting for them to contact me and my doctor to book us a call to arrange stuff.

Wheew.... This is a huge relief, although I still have no trust for the healthcare system to do anything right or anything efficiently. But now, finally, the bureaucratic obstacle course should be over and the rest is actual getting shit done phase.

[Niaja]

I see a definite change in the fullness of your breasts. The picture you posted of your relative from 1932 actually she is very pretty -I think you share a lot of her traits so guess what --you are a pretty girl 

Thank you. My great aunt in the picture has a lot of the shared traits indeed, others who have a lot of the same looks as what I do are two of my cousins. Interestingly one is daughter of my aunt and other a daughter of one of my uncles. Maybe I could be 1930's pretty too. xD lol.

And boobs with added fullness, indeed! I think this is largely doing of the topical program along with highg prolactin doing its magic.

The point of this post though isn't about the pictures, its that I finally got the govt backing for my therapy!!!! It "only" took from summer to today to actually make a decision for it and agree to it. This means that I just got to message the trans clinic, their requirement for starting to book referrals was to get the therapy going and it will start next monday.... They should now book me professional laser and more importantly, vocalchold feminising surgery which comes with tracheal shave. GCS will not even be referred to before next year anyway, but these other things will get booked before it. Now there should be zero obstacles on the way, now I'm just waiting for them to contact me and my doctor to book us a call to arrange stuff.

Wheew.... This is a huge relief, although I still have no trust for the healthcare system to do anything right or anything efficiently. But now, finally, the bureaucratic obstacle course should be over and the rest is actual getting shit done phase.

Congratulations this should make you happy --government run programs run slow but you made the first step in living your dream. I am happy for you

[HelloDiDi]

Actually the first step was back in May 2021 when my first referral was sent... Then two years of stupidity, juggling around with questions, asking me again and again am I sure, am I trans enough to diagnosis in May 2023. And then I got stuck because I was too honest to the psychologist who suggested (govt backed) therapy which is mostly about body/Self image thyings and past trauma which isn't directly involved with my transition. 

Regardless, trans clinic used this as a crutch to halt my treatments which in Finland, we get none of before diagnosis and apparently not even after if they find some make believe excuse to delay things. Not that the coverage would be great. I can get some very basic HRT, five sessions of pro laser, vocalchord feminisation surgery which is actually one of the coolest things covered here. (The quite new Korean technique, surgeon who does them is known to be exceptionally talented, I mean world class exceptionally talented, I've heard very much good things about his work.) And then there's GCS which in here is traditional PI surgery, but the results are quite amazing and most are successful... There wasn't much information and Finns don't speak out much at all so it was very difficult to find out anything about it, but the few results I've seen are mind blowing, 100% cis passable, 100% functional.

So there's pretty much all of it. None of the surgeries considered "cosmetic" (Note, cosmetic to perhaps a cis person, but to us its a different story.) are covered at all, so anything else is pocketed. I'm very lucky that my girlfriend is gifting me full body contouring for my 40th birthday and then some small cosmetic fixes I would love to get. She's my angel, my saviour. Without her, I would probably never get my dream body and never get my dysphoria truly dealt with.

So yea, "first step", kind of. First step into actual real deal treatment rather than bullshit, lies, delays and playing ping pong with my life. Note that every single thing they do always works on at least one month delay, even tiniest meetings and things that take fifteen minutes to deal with are always delayed for ages every single time. Some times the duration between meetings is three to four months. Its ridiculously badly organised and painfully slow and I'm sure this is by design. Well, at least my prison sentence in a messed up body will now start to finally shorten.

[HelloDiDi]

There's something I forgot to post about earlier. Another milestone, amazing feat and proof to what the topical program is capable of. Obviously along with all the other things I've been doing as they stack up... Literally. Today I have been on the topical program for three months. First month wasn't as efficient as I did half the dose I'm on and no estrogel. Since adding to the doses and E2 gel along with the creams, things have only gotten better. Also today I hit four months to the day on 1500mg dose of bovine ovary.



This is approximately two and half cup size increase in bit over three months time. I don't think I need to point out all the things that have changed since late June. If anyone needs proof for BO, lactation, topicals... There you have it.