[HelloDiDi]

I hear your frustrations . Are they not those demons created by yourself ?
why go by what others judge it as standard of beauty ? Or even shape or size ?
I run a shop and I see all sizes of women, pretty to average and all are cheerful when I talk to them .
i also have 4 trans customers and one of them worked for me for short while .
I believe me when I say this , you fit perfectly in women category going by your pics .
all male related issues will get solved eventually. There is no deadline for you to meet .
that is why I say to remain positive and look not to others for approval.
if you are positive within people respond positively .
I gave up nbe due to old age related issues .
I accepted that and remain content with what I have . Means not that I go 
green at gills to see development like your .

What? Don't tell me you're saying that my dysphoria is my own doing?! Please don't ever do that. Its not a choice. No one wants to have gender/body dysphoria, believe me, take my word for it. 

I have internalised a whole lot of those shitty fascist standards and I see people around me believing into that garbage all the time. I keep seeing it being pushed all the time, by the ones who fit into all that. Its everywhere and it hurts me. My mind overthinks and over analyzes everything. I do not fit in.

Of course I look for approval from others because I can not see myself like I am. I don't see my body the way others do, I'm blind to it, I must ask others because I cannot form a realistic picture of how I am like for real. Its crazy how this works. Dysphoria and dysmorphia have no ON/OFF button. Its so stupid, no amount of positive thinking alone fixes me. I try to stay positive, I try to feel confident... Its just insanely difficult and I always get misunderstood about all this. I can't become content before everything is said and done... I can't, my dysphoria doesn't give rats ass about what kind of internal work I do. So far the only thing that has been helping is fixing my body.

[Mel87]

Hiya hun,

Sorry I'm quite late to the party of posts as you know I've been quite busy and finally had a moment of clarity I could post. I think the last time I did was early October! 

Firstly I'm glad that your doing a lot better I know its normal to have rises and falls on emotions and its difficult to battle dysphoria, no two battles are alike, some might see the grass is greener with me or with you but my dysphoria and yours is ours alone and there's no easy fix, transitioning is the best we have. With dysphoria there is no simple answer at all and it detaches us from what we perceive.

Uhm you got a camel toe, sounds to me your body knows exactly how it wants to be now and it wants to help 

The nature near you is beautiful and what you've shown me outside of here are all gorgeous I hope to see it with my own eyes one day, I think the lake is especially beautiful and I'd so eat a picnic there   

Right now you've been setting up bra sizes and knocking them back down one after another, I bet your like me, no goal just happiness cause of bad boob dysphoria so we're both growing until we are happy and honestly it's inspiring cause I felt like I wasn't allowed to just go until happy it's weird, its comparable to most with severe bottom dysphoria, but I guess self abuse to with bottom dysphoria and growing nearly endlessly are like the other side of the same coin. I say this cause I have pretty bad bottom dysphoria and I've injured myself in the past because of it, so rather than a desire for it gone I have a desire for more and sorting both leads to happiness. On the off side where is our "bra size" that we would be happy and with that is why I did away with a goal size  

Got to say though your corset and new avatar image basically just has your boobs turning into a avalanche of boobage  I got to say your body fat redist is very impressive I'm glad you found the confidence to share that, I can't stupid scars but girl that is inspiring!!!

Oh I want to interject that curvy women are the most feminine form to me, where a body is shaped and soft is the ultimate goal for me. I don't care if that is considered "plus size" as if it's something bad. Venus statues through history have shown that the human perception of beauty has shifted time and time again, and considering vogue has ran plus size women for sometime its awesome  All that matters is getting the pudge into the correct places for me and I think I know how *thinking and winking face*

Keep it up my lovely femtor your inspiring as always ^-^ 

[HelloDiDi]

I'm kinda replying to Mel's post here, but we talk so much in private that she already knows how my dysphoria is like... I got to say that Mel and I are so similar that I haven't met another trans woman who would have spot on exact same things and same severity of this problem that I do. And by no means am I downplaying anybody else's experience, but me and Mel are so much alike its eerie.

There are three positive sides to this that I can think of. First one is that I have barely started, more will happen than what has happened already. This is very nice and soothing to know because the process is slow and time consuming it gives me confidence that I can also expect a lot. Especially about boobs as I'm still in early Tanner 4 and they're not showing signs of early maturity nor stalling. Second is that nearly all things that cause my dysphoria to be triggered are the kind which can and WILL be fixed. And the third is that I'm obviously genetically advantaged with hormone treatment, both conventional and unorthodox.

And that's about where the positives end. Yes I know I'm doing "good". But its not enough. I have a massive problem with dysphoria and the way its triggered is horrendous. I think my issue about my breasts is very much like some  trans ladies have about their genitals, I mean the most extreme cases, I feel very much like that about my boobs. How others perceive me, that matters none. It doesn't change a damn thing, I've been told many times how others would be so happy and delighted with what I have. And yet I feel like I got barely anything yet. Honestly I think I have to double my breast volume to be ok with it. I'm not even sure where is the point where I'm actually happy and my dysphoria is diminished. What I do know is bigger they grow, less painful it feels and on some days I really like them. I can look at them and not cry any more. I don't feel that hollow coldness when I see myself. That's a huge improvement. But on bad days, it feels like I'm nothing and I have nothing yet.

I have thrown out goal cup size and goal volume out of the window too, those are just letters and numbers which in the end mean nothing at all... What matters is perception, of my loved ones and especially my own. No one can speak sense about this, it follows no logic, but I instinctively know how my body is supposed to be like, how I want to perceive myself to feel happy and I also know how to get there. First I will go HRT + NBE route as far as it takes me. If I reach my potential before I'm happy, then its about arranging financing and geting fat graft or implants. What I do know is that I will get to my personal magical "happily ever after" and I will know when I reach it. By any means necessary. Same applies for fixing my body ratios, genitals and voice. These are the main issues I have and I will fix them. I don't care what it takes, I must do it because other option is life in misery or untimely death for not being able to tolerate this pain any more.

Yea, call me crazy, but my dysphoria is extreme, so fixing it requires extreme dedication and that's what I got plenty of. And I'm going to have heck of a lot of fun dealing with it. Kick that goddamn demon out of my life.

[Jennifer]

Hello HelloDiDi

Recently on BreastNexum I do not regret Ainterolherbs.
I find inspiration all over the threads.
Stevenator kindly told me that you used MSM powder, I have 1kg.99.9%
What do you put it in? I just started yesterday to put it in the evening yogurt (1g) and in the morning orange juice (1g).
I also have 1600mg 99.9% capsules, I will take one in the morning and one in the evening.
This will give me a total of 5200mg,

What do you think? Is it too much?

Cordialy.

John (Jean)

[HelloDiDi]

Hello HelloDiDi

Recently on BreastNexum I do not regret Ainterolherbs.
I find inspiration all over the threads.
Stevenator kindly told me that you used MSM powder, I have 1kg.99.9%
What do you put it in? I just started yesterday to put it in the evening yogurt (1g) and in the morning orange juice (1g).
I also have 1600mg 99.9% capsules, I will take one in the morning and one in the evening.
This will give me a total of 5200mg,

What do you think? Is it too much?

Cordialy.

John (Jean)

Yes, what I have is pure MSM powder. I just mix it with glass of water and drink it before sleep. My dose is 3 tea spoons a day, I'm nore sure how much that is in grams, but its plenty. I think your dose is fine, I don't remember what people have been recommending. I've just went by tea spoons as that's so easy with the powder. I did two for a long time, then upped to three and kept it there.

I should stock up on MSM at some point, I think mine will last for two more months until I need more. I also take vitamin D3 and calcium on the side which work as a decent combination with MSM. I'm having to stock up on calcium soon and I think I'll swtich on calcium citrate if I can find it, should be much better.

[Stevenator_]

How far you’ve come, in such a short time! Incredible!

HRT Day 1

Measurements:
Bust, loose tape: 49,6", tight : 48,0"
Band, tight: 36,5", loose 37,8"
Ratio: 13,1", rolling weekly average: 12,78"
Cup size: F/G, closer to G cup.

Cupsize measured using the accurate method which gives a ratio, this method seems closest to which bras fit me the best I tend to use it. The bust/band ratio is the most extreme possible, realistic measurement would be this number minus 2" on average. (Tight bust measurement minus loose band measurement.).

My program as it is now goes as follows:

Morning:
1mg estrofem, sublingual
400mg/175mg Calcium + megnesium
500mg Red reishi (20:1 extract)

Evening:
1mg estrofem, sublingual
400mg/175mg Calcium + megnesium
2-3 teaspoons MSM powder mixed with water (I ran out of MSM and need to restock so few days break from this.)
50 mcg Vitamin D3
5mg Melatonin

Estrogen cream on nipples every other day. (I'm running out soon and don't know where to restock at this point.)
Progestrone cream on upper breast once every three days. (I need to restock on this too, Biovea PG cream seems best so far.)

I'm thinking of starting to take Maca root again as I have a full bag of it. I will stay on 2mg/day dose for E for at least one month to see how it works, if it goes well, I will then likely double and go up to 4mg/day.

Attached are few baseline day zero pictures, I dunno if you can spot the growth compared to old pics, but things have gotten... Fuller. Making a cleavage is way easier than before, all I need is to keep my arms bit more to the front... I love it. On the pics I sit back straight and arms resting on the sides, no photographic trickery here.

[HelloDiDi]

How far you’ve come, in such a short time! Incredible!

Things change. My measurements back in the day were all over place btw, mainly about figuring out volumes. I've learned so much on the way.

I'm planning on Halloween update, or maybe I'll let it slip to 3rd November as that's when I'm hitting 16½ month point. After that I'll likely go silent in this thread until Christmas or so. I might have something to update about already, but I don't want to spoil anything too early.

[Mel87]

How far you’ve come, in such a short time! Incredible!

I know right! She's so amazing 

How far you’ve come, in such a short time! Incredible!

Things change. My measurements back in the day were all over place btw, mainly about figuring out volumes. I've learned so much on the way.

I'm planning on Halloween update, or maybe I'll let it slip to 3rd November as that's when I'm hitting 16½ month point. After that I'll likely go silent in this thread until Christmas or so. I might have something to update about already, but I don't want to spoil anything too early.

Awww what are you hiding hun? 

[HelloDiDi]

Awww what are you hiding hun? 

Ummm... Nothing? I think you might know... Miss boobiepie.

[Stevenator_]

Awww what are you hiding hun? 

Ummm... Nothing? I think you might know... Miss boobiepie.

How long must you keep us waiting?!
Hahaha ...