Hi, I'm Josephine. I wanted to write down my feelings and thoughts about my gender identity and sexuality and to see what other people think.
I've already introduced myself in the "Introduce Yourself" forum, but for reference I am a 28 year old bio-male currently living as a male and have not yet started my NBE program, but will very soon.
I've read stories from transgender people who knew from a very young age that they wanted to be a girl and that they hated the sight of their own genitals. For me this was not true, I was a pretty normal-ish boy who was quite content about being a boy. I liked normal boy things like cars, trains, robots, ninja turtles and video games, although I didn't object to playing with dolls and teddy bears with my sister either (I still have my favourite teddy bear and would never get rid of him). I'm fine with having a penis and balls and don't feel the need to get rid of them.
My first crossdressing experience was probably when I was about 11 years old. My best friend had the idea that we should dress up like women for a joke. I always went along with whatever my friends told me to do (my naturally submissive nature, heh!) so it didn't take much to convince me. I think he "borrowed" some of his sisters clothes. I remember how great it felt wearing a skirt, I really loved it. I guess this incident might have been the trigger that started it all, it certainly sticks in my mind to this day.
For many years after I didn't crossdress, but I was always jealous that girls got to wear skirts and other nice clothes. I fantasised about wearing girls clothes a lot. From my early teens I would often put socks under my shirt to make pretend breasts and admire myself in the mirror. I have wanted my own breasts ever since I first did that. A few years ago I bought some breast forms and absolutely love the feeling of wearing them. It's like a missing body part has reappeared.
Some time in my late teens I started experimenting with crossdressing by borrowing my sisters clothes. They were a bit too small for me as my sister is very slim and not as broad as me but it was quite exhilirating. I felt guilty about wearing her clothes without permission though so I stopped doing it for a while until I bought my own. I started crossdressing seriously a few years ago and now have quite a collection, but it would be much bigger if I had more space to hide it all!
When I hit puberty my legs and arms became very hairy and I hated it. I tried shaving my legs when I was about 15 but wasn't very successful and didn't have access to a good razor. I used a beard trimmer to remove my public hair and have been doing so reasonably consistently ever since. Now I shave my entire body and try to keep it that way, but it's a lot of work since my body hair grows back quickly. When I started doing that my mum noticed my shaved legs and arms and gave me some trouble over it, but eventually she stopped mentioning it. I used to be embarrassed to show my shaved arms, but now I just don't care what people think any more. I would really like to get laser hair removal for the whole lot, I would not miss it one bit!
I would describe myself as bisexual (although I don't think that term is entirely accurate) but I was in denial about being attracted to males for a long time. I did fantasise about other boys at school when I was younger but afterwards felt very guilty and pretended to myself that I didn't really fancy boys.
Only in the last few years have I finally settled the matter on my attraction to men. The path that led me here was looking at pictures of transsexuals and crossdressers. That allowed me to lower my mental barriers and get used to the idea of looking at naked men instead of my knee-jerk reaction to quickly look away. I am attracted to both female and male body forms, but I don't actually want to have sexual intercourse with women. The idea of using my penis to penetrate a vagina just does not appeal to me. I am attracted to women and really love breasts, ass, legs and a pretty face but I am quite indifferent to vaginas. On the other hand, I really love penises.
When I was about 16 I had my first anal experience. I just had the urge to penetrate my anus and finally gave in. At the time I was naive and didn't really know what anal sex was all about. I used whatever object I had to hand at the time. It was... messy to say the least, lacking access to a douche, so I gave it up. It wasn't until I was 23 when I finally plucked up the courage to buy dildos and plugs (and a douche of course!) and I began experimenting. It came very naturally to me and I've never found it painful. It unleashed a deep mental need to be penetrated. This was the right kind of sex for me.
I've only had a couple of girlfriends and had sex only with the second one (this was when I was 25). Of course she wanted to be fucked and I tried my best to do it, but I could not stay hard while doing it. Mentally it just did nothing for me and I really wanted to be fucked myself instead. For me it felt like a purely mechanical action I had to perform for her pleasure, not mine. Of course I got some physical stimulation but it was not enough. I just wanted to kiss, cuddle, play with her tits and have oral sex.
So I'm a bottom boy (or girl). That's just who I am! From a sexual and emotional perspective I think I am more compatible with men. I haven't had a real boyfriend yet although I have talked to many men online who are interested. I've lost all interest in persuing women for relationships.
I want to let go of my male ego and become more feminine. Deep down I know I would like to go all the way and live as a woman, but I don't know if I'll ever have the courage. For me it's not that I have to do this, but I would greatly prefer to. In the mean time I'm not afraid to slowly feminize my body and that's where I stand now.
So that's my story, sort of, in a kind of muddled mess and chronologically all over the place. I probably got some of the ages wrong as my memory is terrible. Bleh!
I've already introduced myself in the "Introduce Yourself" forum, but for reference I am a 28 year old bio-male currently living as a male and have not yet started my NBE program, but will very soon.
I've read stories from transgender people who knew from a very young age that they wanted to be a girl and that they hated the sight of their own genitals. For me this was not true, I was a pretty normal-ish boy who was quite content about being a boy. I liked normal boy things like cars, trains, robots, ninja turtles and video games, although I didn't object to playing with dolls and teddy bears with my sister either (I still have my favourite teddy bear and would never get rid of him). I'm fine with having a penis and balls and don't feel the need to get rid of them.
My first crossdressing experience was probably when I was about 11 years old. My best friend had the idea that we should dress up like women for a joke. I always went along with whatever my friends told me to do (my naturally submissive nature, heh!) so it didn't take much to convince me. I think he "borrowed" some of his sisters clothes. I remember how great it felt wearing a skirt, I really loved it. I guess this incident might have been the trigger that started it all, it certainly sticks in my mind to this day.
For many years after I didn't crossdress, but I was always jealous that girls got to wear skirts and other nice clothes. I fantasised about wearing girls clothes a lot. From my early teens I would often put socks under my shirt to make pretend breasts and admire myself in the mirror. I have wanted my own breasts ever since I first did that. A few years ago I bought some breast forms and absolutely love the feeling of wearing them. It's like a missing body part has reappeared.
Some time in my late teens I started experimenting with crossdressing by borrowing my sisters clothes. They were a bit too small for me as my sister is very slim and not as broad as me but it was quite exhilirating. I felt guilty about wearing her clothes without permission though so I stopped doing it for a while until I bought my own. I started crossdressing seriously a few years ago and now have quite a collection, but it would be much bigger if I had more space to hide it all!
When I hit puberty my legs and arms became very hairy and I hated it. I tried shaving my legs when I was about 15 but wasn't very successful and didn't have access to a good razor. I used a beard trimmer to remove my public hair and have been doing so reasonably consistently ever since. Now I shave my entire body and try to keep it that way, but it's a lot of work since my body hair grows back quickly. When I started doing that my mum noticed my shaved legs and arms and gave me some trouble over it, but eventually she stopped mentioning it. I used to be embarrassed to show my shaved arms, but now I just don't care what people think any more. I would really like to get laser hair removal for the whole lot, I would not miss it one bit!
I would describe myself as bisexual (although I don't think that term is entirely accurate) but I was in denial about being attracted to males for a long time. I did fantasise about other boys at school when I was younger but afterwards felt very guilty and pretended to myself that I didn't really fancy boys.
Only in the last few years have I finally settled the matter on my attraction to men. The path that led me here was looking at pictures of transsexuals and crossdressers. That allowed me to lower my mental barriers and get used to the idea of looking at naked men instead of my knee-jerk reaction to quickly look away. I am attracted to both female and male body forms, but I don't actually want to have sexual intercourse with women. The idea of using my penis to penetrate a vagina just does not appeal to me. I am attracted to women and really love breasts, ass, legs and a pretty face but I am quite indifferent to vaginas. On the other hand, I really love penises.
When I was about 16 I had my first anal experience. I just had the urge to penetrate my anus and finally gave in. At the time I was naive and didn't really know what anal sex was all about. I used whatever object I had to hand at the time. It was... messy to say the least, lacking access to a douche, so I gave it up. It wasn't until I was 23 when I finally plucked up the courage to buy dildos and plugs (and a douche of course!) and I began experimenting. It came very naturally to me and I've never found it painful. It unleashed a deep mental need to be penetrated. This was the right kind of sex for me.
I've only had a couple of girlfriends and had sex only with the second one (this was when I was 25). Of course she wanted to be fucked and I tried my best to do it, but I could not stay hard while doing it. Mentally it just did nothing for me and I really wanted to be fucked myself instead. For me it felt like a purely mechanical action I had to perform for her pleasure, not mine. Of course I got some physical stimulation but it was not enough. I just wanted to kiss, cuddle, play with her tits and have oral sex.
So I'm a bottom boy (or girl). That's just who I am! From a sexual and emotional perspective I think I am more compatible with men. I haven't had a real boyfriend yet although I have talked to many men online who are interested. I've lost all interest in persuing women for relationships.
I want to let go of my male ego and become more feminine. Deep down I know I would like to go all the way and live as a woman, but I don't know if I'll ever have the courage. For me it's not that I have to do this, but I would greatly prefer to. In the mean time I'm not afraid to slowly feminize my body and that's where I stand now.
So that's my story, sort of, in a kind of muddled mess and chronologically all over the place. I probably got some of the ages wrong as my memory is terrible. Bleh!
Hi again, Jo. I commend you for telling us the story of your gender identity history. Few are as brave and forthright as you, at least when they first join this forum. I think your being able to articulate your feelings, to acknowledge your sexuality, and to seek resolution is going to put you on a path that leads to personal fulfillment over time.
Your story is very much the story of a crossdreamer. It's not a label that people here use, but I discovered my own female gender identity when I learned that I am a crossdreamer, i.e., a man who dreams about being a woman. Autogynephilia is the technical term that psychologists use, as introduced by Dr. Raymond Blanchard, but the word projects rather negative connotations (it's not a disorder), so I prefer Jack Molay's term -- crossdreamer.
Except for your being bisexual, much of what you wrote mirrors my own experience. The big difference is that I, being much older than you, lived in ignorance of cross gender identity as a human condition that can be treated. My life was consumed with attempts to overlook, deny, and suppress my subconscious female identity. You have the opportunity to deal with it in a positive way at a relatively early age. I think it's something that you should do if you feel that it is what you really want.
Transitioning to live as a woman is naturally a frightening thought at this point. It might not be the right course for you either. I don't think there is any need to rush into any kind of a decision at this stage. It might even be best to believe that transitioning with or without SRS is not what you want. No one should feel compelled from within or without to take that path if there is a shade of doubt about its appropriateness.
Having said that, I also think that introducing your body and mind to the effects of slow acting, non-prescription, herbal estrogen is a good way to learn about your gender identity and whether feminizing your body and mind is right for you. Because the process is slow compared to synthetic estrogen drugs, you have more time to understand the nature of your gender dysphoria and what it means for the future living as a man or as a woman. You may decide that transition is not the best course after all, and it won't be too late to back away.
On the other hand, your experience with NBE may, over the course of several months, convince you that going all the way is the right thing to do. The uncertainty, which I believe is the source of your anxiety and fear of going transsexual, will likely lift as your feelings become clearer and you can better assess the compromises that you face.
I think you probably already know all this judging by what you've expressed so well. I wish you well on your journey which is about to begin. You'll get lots of help and encouragement here if you want it, sweetheart.
Hugs,
Clara
Your story is very much the story of a crossdreamer. It's not a label that people here use, but I discovered my own female gender identity when I learned that I am a crossdreamer, i.e., a man who dreams about being a woman. Autogynephilia is the technical term that psychologists use, as introduced by Dr. Raymond Blanchard, but the word projects rather negative connotations (it's not a disorder), so I prefer Jack Molay's term -- crossdreamer.
Except for your being bisexual, much of what you wrote mirrors my own experience. The big difference is that I, being much older than you, lived in ignorance of cross gender identity as a human condition that can be treated. My life was consumed with attempts to overlook, deny, and suppress my subconscious female identity. You have the opportunity to deal with it in a positive way at a relatively early age. I think it's something that you should do if you feel that it is what you really want.
Transitioning to live as a woman is naturally a frightening thought at this point. It might not be the right course for you either. I don't think there is any need to rush into any kind of a decision at this stage. It might even be best to believe that transitioning with or without SRS is not what you want. No one should feel compelled from within or without to take that path if there is a shade of doubt about its appropriateness.
Having said that, I also think that introducing your body and mind to the effects of slow acting, non-prescription, herbal estrogen is a good way to learn about your gender identity and whether feminizing your body and mind is right for you. Because the process is slow compared to synthetic estrogen drugs, you have more time to understand the nature of your gender dysphoria and what it means for the future living as a man or as a woman. You may decide that transition is not the best course after all, and it won't be too late to back away.
On the other hand, your experience with NBE may, over the course of several months, convince you that going all the way is the right thing to do. The uncertainty, which I believe is the source of your anxiety and fear of going transsexual, will likely lift as your feelings become clearer and you can better assess the compromises that you face.
I think you probably already know all this judging by what you've expressed so well. I wish you well on your journey which is about to begin. You'll get lots of help and encouragement here if you want it, sweetheart.
Hugs,
Clara
Hi Jo - just to echo Clara's remarks, I would think you might want to put off thoughts of SRS for a long time, and just focus on finding yourself through dressing, meeting people and some middle ground with herbs, at least for now, honey. I have a fair amount of communication with numerous TS folk and all say surgical options should only come when the only other choice is not going on living at all. Too many girls have made the mistake of rushing things only to regret it later. Many find happiness somewhere in the middle. In the meantime, explore the wonderful world of dressing and getting out and around others. You are still young, sweetheart. Let things unfold for you a little at a time.
Hugs
Hugs
I haven't heard of the term crossdreamer before. I read a little bit about it and it does sound like it could apply to me. I will definitely read more of Jack Molay's crossdreamers site.
It's quite possible I might never transition fully. I like having a choice and time to consider it instead of having to choose one gender extreme or another. I do have parts of my male identity that I don't want to just discard, but I know for certain that I want to become more feminine and that I will regret it later in life if I don't.
I feel lucky that I can address this now at my age. I've denied and avoided it for too long already, and wish I had started earlier, but I still have time.
Thank you for the very warm welcome and understanding Clara. I really appreciate it. Hugs
It's quite possible I might never transition fully. I like having a choice and time to consider it instead of having to choose one gender extreme or another. I do have parts of my male identity that I don't want to just discard, but I know for certain that I want to become more feminine and that I will regret it later in life if I don't.
I feel lucky that I can address this now at my age. I've denied and avoided it for too long already, and wish I had started earlier, but I still have time.
Thank you for the very warm welcome and understanding Clara. I really appreciate it. Hugs
(01-05-2014, 07:03 PM)Samantha Rogers Wrote: Hi Jo - just to echo Clara's remarks, I would think you might want to put off thoughts of SRS for a long time, and just focus on finding yourself through dressing, meeting people and some middle ground with herbs, at least for now, honey. I have a fair amount of communication with numerous TS folk and all say surgical options should only come when the only other choice is not going on living at all. Too many girls have made the mistake of rushing things only to regret it later. Many find happiness somewhere in the middle. In the meantime, explore the wonderful world of dressing and getting out and around others. You are still young, sweetheart. Let things unfold for you a little at a time.
Hugs
When I said go all the way to live as a women I didn't mean I wanted to get SRS. Sorry I didn't make that clear. I'm in no rush!
This post was last modified: 01-05-2014, 07:20 PM by JosephineDreams.
(01-05-2014, 07:18 PM)abxicx Wrote: I haven't heard of the term crossdreamer before. I read a little bit about it and it does sound like it could apply to me. I will definitely read more of Jack Molay's crossdreamers site.
It's a very good site to explore. I believe that Jack's activism had a positive influence on the latest changes in the DSM-V which no longer considers cross gender identity a mental disorder. It's no longer accurate for psychologists, psychiatrists, and gender therapists to used the term Gender Identity Disorder (GID). Run for the hills if you have a therapist that is not aware of this.
Here's the site:
The Crossdreaming Portal
Clara
(01-05-2014, 07:19 PM)abxicx Wrote:(01-05-2014, 07:03 PM)Samantha Rogers Wrote: Hi Jo - just to echo Clara's remarks, I would think you might want to put off thoughts of SRS for a long time, and just focus on finding yourself through dressing, meeting people and some middle ground with herbs, at least for now, honey. I have a fair amount of communication with numerous TS folk and all say surgical options should only come when the only other choice is not going on living at all. Too many girls have made the mistake of rushing things only to regret it later. Many find happiness somewhere in the middle. In the meantime, explore the wonderful world of dressing and getting out and around others. You are still young, sweetheart. Let things unfold for you a little at a time.
Hugs
When I said go all the way to live as a women I didn't mean I wanted to get SRS. Sorry I didn't make that clear. I'm in no rush!
Welcome abxix
I can relate to your story a lot.... I am 45 but back in my early 30's the bell started ringing for me.... I put her on the back burner for nearly 10 years.... She came back even stronger...
I hope your getting your PM from Ainterol.... In my case I jumped right in at 2000 mg and eventually ramped it up to 3000-5000 mg...
Also added spearmint caps and licorice and Chinese Skullcap caps from Swansons vitamins....
Now I gotta say I was thinking about going on HRT before I tried the herbs but I was scared...
So I lurked here and like you I was skeptical it was all a scam.... I decided to try it though and at first I was sure it was doing nothing at all but I stuck with it...
2-3 weeks in I could see a little more fat around my moobs... Strangely my need to CD almost vanished...
At 1 month the itching and sensitivity and soreness started... Along with that and higher NBE doses came the wonderful revelation that yes indeed NBE DOES work!!!
About that time I started seeing pretty much all of the effects I read about HRT on NBE.... I felt better than I ever had before and the desire to be more femme was there stronger than ever...
At 2 months in I knew I wanted to go see a doc and get on HRT...
My boobs were definitely growing and I was seeing all the other signs of feminization....
2 months and 3 weeks in I was on HRT...
Now at near 3 1/2 months since I started herbal and now pharma HRT the thought of full transition including SRS is not nearly as out of the question as it once was...
Just giving you a heads up... NBE can take you places you never though you would go.... It wont make you want anything you didnt want before you start, but you may just end up deep in the pink fog like me
It seems you were on quite an intensive program. 5000mg sound like a heck of a lot. That's like 10 caps a day!
I bought my PM from ainterol.co.uk - it looked like the official site, am I correct?
It seems the company behind Ainterol is actually based in China... haha (on the PayPal statement it went to "Traxcon Asia Co.,Ltd."). They claim to be shipping from Germany so I hope it doesn't take much longer for it to arrive.
I got some Spearmint tea which arrived today. I hate green tea so I wasn't sure if it would like it, but it's actually not too bad (I love the smell of spearmint but when it's brewed it smells a bit weird). I will probably switch to caps or something else though once I've used up all the tea.
I guess we'll see where this leads me... I'm up for change.
I bought my PM from ainterol.co.uk - it looked like the official site, am I correct?
It seems the company behind Ainterol is actually based in China... haha (on the PayPal statement it went to "Traxcon Asia Co.,Ltd."). They claim to be shipping from Germany so I hope it doesn't take much longer for it to arrive.
I got some Spearmint tea which arrived today. I hate green tea so I wasn't sure if it would like it, but it's actually not too bad (I love the smell of spearmint but when it's brewed it smells a bit weird). I will probably switch to caps or something else though once I've used up all the tea.
I guess we'll see where this leads me... I'm up for change.
I started with the caps then I switched to the bulk powder and the liquid extract... Both are very good but hard to gauge how much PM your taking compared to the caps... I estimate I was taking at least 5000 mg between the powder and the extract at times.... The powder is much cheaper than the caps and you can even make your own caps with the powder if you want, I never bothered though... The extract taken under the tongue is awesome....
I still take a little every now and then even on syn E2...
At the dosage I was on my prescription for E isnt even close to the PM and I need to take a bit more than the prescribed dose of E to even come close to the PM...
Getting E from overseas online was easy but it aint cheap that way so sometimes Im on both and I can feel either one go to work in much the same way after taking them...
Good Luck
I still take a little every now and then even on syn E2...
At the dosage I was on my prescription for E isnt even close to the PM and I need to take a bit more than the prescribed dose of E to even come close to the PM...
Getting E from overseas online was easy but it aint cheap that way so sometimes Im on both and I can feel either one go to work in much the same way after taking them...
Good Luck
This post was last modified: 03-05-2014, 02:02 AM by EvaMarie.
Your so brave Josephine. Thank you for sharing your story. You, like so many others on this site are such an inspiration!
Love,
Chrissie
Love,
Chrissie
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