"Has anyone else found that under stress or emotional pain that the ability to manage your male/female sides is so much harder?......Guilt for painting my toe nails, shaving my legs, I love heels, having female cloths, wearing female underwear, etc, etc. I worry I might get caught and the implication for the remainder of my family. Yet I can't stop. I find expressing myself (although hidden) relaxes and comforts me hugely. "
Denita - The quick answer is yes...and no. What you have, sweetheart, like most of us here, is Gender Dysphoria...a disconnect of one kind or another between your gender identity and your bio body. It causes anxiety and stress and usually finds relief in crossdressing or through hormonal changes we make to ourselves either through herbal or synthetic HRT.
Because, essentially, what we are doing to our bodies here with herbs is exactly the same process of transitioning as is accomplished through synthetic hormones, only slower. If you are taking PM in truth you are transitioning already. Of course, it is a slow process with lots of time to change your mind.
The trick is to learn what it takes in your case to quiet the GID and stop the anxiety and make you whole, baby.
For some, nothing short of surgical alternatives will do. Others get started and after awhile when actual change begins, they scream WTF and run the other way. And then there are the rest of us, the majority, really. Stuck in the middle, looking for balance. Some hormones, some CD, tinker here, tinker there...searching for the perfect balance.
And it is tough because the ground rules change.
One day the pink fog is so thick you cannot see your painted toenails. A week later it may suddenly lift and you will wonder what you were thinking. Sometimes the change is swift and sometimes slow. And often there seems no rhyme or reason. This is not just me, by the way...many with GID report this. One thing is for sure. It will never go away forever. Another thing for sure. It is not your fault....let me repeat that last part, ok, honey...it is not your fault. It is a dirty little chemical trick that life played on us, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
Sorry for shouting...tee hee.
Baby, guilt is for bad choices...this is not a choice...get it?
For most of us finding a way to. deal with our GID is like trying to learn how to breathe.
What do you do?
First, forgive yourself (because your forgiveness is all that counts), learn to love this part of yourself (some find it a gift, really) and move on.
The other way...well..."that way madness lies".
Besides, once you stop berating yourself unnecessarily, you find all that is left...is fun.
Hugs