13-01-2024, 02:10 PM
It matters a lot what other people think, a lot. As long as I'm putting myself out there here, IG, where ever and in real life too, I'm a subject to judgement of all kinds, be it bashing or praise. And for some odd reason, people have this weird idea that body of a trans woman is public property, it can and will be judged and picked apart. Much more so than what is done to cis women for some odd reason. Words can heal and words can hurt.
It should be obvious by now why I care what other people think. I do not know my place, I do not know if I'm attractive or not, I do not know exactly how I am perceived. I suffer from body dysmorphic disorder which I think could be also diagnosed if I wanted it to. This pain in the ass problem walks holding hands with gender dysphoria. Together they make such a mess with my body image and (lack of) confidence. It is impossible to me to cook up some healthy image of self by myself, that just does not work, it never has and it still doesn't. I can't make confidence out of nowhere, for these things I need others to tell me how it is. Yes I am that blind to myself and I'm also traumatised a LOT when I was kid and that messed me up for life. I have been taught to believe that I'm always worse than I actually am.
When I transitioned, I lost my social standing completely. I became a social pariah and really unwanted and suddenly "ugly" even though in my old life as a man, I enjoyed pretty privilege. For real, like the kind when I have too many random people wanting to force into my circle, wanting to be "friends" while they just wanted to look better. I have had to choose few times which girl I wanted to date as more than one were so much into me at once. This kind of thing all the way until like mid thirties. Transition fucked it all up, suddenly from attractive and wanted man I became unwanted, androgynous "half woman" or some other shite idea most people might have. I had no clue how I looked like, I was clocked, mistreated, rejected, ghosted, stared at, laughed at, I was treated as an ugly person.
It is slowly changing as my body is changing and I'm getting forward, but still I'm unsure how I look like, what is my place in the social hierarchy that people subconsciously build among themselves. I need others, I can't just make up my mind about it and believe into something I just made up. I'm far too smart and self aware for that. Also cynical and disillusioned because my life hasn't been all rosy walk in a park. I can't just "be confident" out of nowhere, I have never been able to do that! I have always needed enough positive experience to have faith into myself. Its always been the same, with looks, with music, with art, my looks, everything. I blame bullying and shitty upbringing for a lot of this, as if my life had been easier and nicer to me, I would likely be one of the "normal" people who just can cook up confidence like its some magic spell, I've tried all kinds of self help mantras, its not working, I always need positive experience or I believe in nothing.
Everything's going well so far, better than anything I could have dreamed of when I started out. Nothing wrong with that, its just this horde of ancient demons that haunt my mind, especially on bad days, and a lot of them can't be conjured by any therapy or any venting here on the forum, only actual physical change and positive experience will do that. I'm slowly getting better, but I never thought transition would be socially as demaninding and exhausting.
Gosh I wish I could somehow pay for FFS, then I would feel much better not cropping my face off of almost every photo and I would exit the house more often.
It should be obvious by now why I care what other people think. I do not know my place, I do not know if I'm attractive or not, I do not know exactly how I am perceived. I suffer from body dysmorphic disorder which I think could be also diagnosed if I wanted it to. This pain in the ass problem walks holding hands with gender dysphoria. Together they make such a mess with my body image and (lack of) confidence. It is impossible to me to cook up some healthy image of self by myself, that just does not work, it never has and it still doesn't. I can't make confidence out of nowhere, for these things I need others to tell me how it is. Yes I am that blind to myself and I'm also traumatised a LOT when I was kid and that messed me up for life. I have been taught to believe that I'm always worse than I actually am.
When I transitioned, I lost my social standing completely. I became a social pariah and really unwanted and suddenly "ugly" even though in my old life as a man, I enjoyed pretty privilege. For real, like the kind when I have too many random people wanting to force into my circle, wanting to be "friends" while they just wanted to look better. I have had to choose few times which girl I wanted to date as more than one were so much into me at once. This kind of thing all the way until like mid thirties. Transition fucked it all up, suddenly from attractive and wanted man I became unwanted, androgynous "half woman" or some other shite idea most people might have. I had no clue how I looked like, I was clocked, mistreated, rejected, ghosted, stared at, laughed at, I was treated as an ugly person.
It is slowly changing as my body is changing and I'm getting forward, but still I'm unsure how I look like, what is my place in the social hierarchy that people subconsciously build among themselves. I need others, I can't just make up my mind about it and believe into something I just made up. I'm far too smart and self aware for that. Also cynical and disillusioned because my life hasn't been all rosy walk in a park. I can't just "be confident" out of nowhere, I have never been able to do that! I have always needed enough positive experience to have faith into myself. Its always been the same, with looks, with music, with art, my looks, everything. I blame bullying and shitty upbringing for a lot of this, as if my life had been easier and nicer to me, I would likely be one of the "normal" people who just can cook up confidence like its some magic spell, I've tried all kinds of self help mantras, its not working, I always need positive experience or I believe in nothing.
Everything's going well so far, better than anything I could have dreamed of when I started out. Nothing wrong with that, its just this horde of ancient demons that haunt my mind, especially on bad days, and a lot of them can't be conjured by any therapy or any venting here on the forum, only actual physical change and positive experience will do that. I'm slowly getting better, but I never thought transition would be socially as demaninding and exhausting.
Gosh I wish I could somehow pay for FFS, then I would feel much better not cropping my face off of almost every photo and I would exit the house more often.