13-01-2024, 10:47 AM
I really don't like to be compared to others... So if I have to be compared to someone, I wish I would be compared upwards in a a silly flattering way or something. I try to become beautiful, like for real. I suffer from really nasty dysphoria and messed up body image and I have ton of insecurities about my looks.
I'm not even conventionally attractive and I know it. I've been belittled and called mediocre and average so many times, I never forget those. I'm not content with being pretty "in my own way" or some other silly made up thing like that, I can't pat myself on the back and keep lying to myself about it, I'm far too disillusioned. I never forget these things, I remember one goddamn fucktard on the nude picture gallery site I used to post at saying, "Yuck! Mans head and woman's body, disgusting!" Said by a guy who makes a rotting corpse look nice. Fucking incel.
I guess I should just take everything and feel nothing, its my fault for putting myself out there in plain sight. I have such pressure to conform to cis female requirements, to beauty standards, to everything... I never fit in, I'm never good enough, I've been bullied extremely for my looks back in the day, my mother used to (And still does to this day.) humiliate me for my body and say nasty remarks about my hair and about being so fat (Which I never really was!) and what else. I have such weight of past trauma and insecurities on my back... It takes a lot to take pictures and show myself, especially my face which often I see being absolutely hideous. I really try, I try every day to make it somehow. And I want to become better, I have to or my mental health will completely crumble. I feel that I'm even too old for this, its like polishing a turd, desperate damage control to T ravaged aging body.
And it never fails to happen, every time I feel a bit happy about something, post stuff because I'm on a good mood, very soon something comes to make it absolutely clear that I get it, that I'm nothing... Last night was horrible, Reddit algorithm is a total bitch and its always there to shove something to my face which shatters my illusions. I avoid so much already, maybe I should just quit being online completely? I have so little life I'm chronically online anyway.
I just want to become feminine and pretty. Its the only thing I might have a tiny little chance at... My dreams are all just dumb silly naive stuff, things that the caged little girl dreamed of, but it feels its all for nothing because nothing that I do is ever enough, I'm never enough.
Vanitas vanitatum.
I'm not even conventionally attractive and I know it. I've been belittled and called mediocre and average so many times, I never forget those. I'm not content with being pretty "in my own way" or some other silly made up thing like that, I can't pat myself on the back and keep lying to myself about it, I'm far too disillusioned. I never forget these things, I remember one goddamn fucktard on the nude picture gallery site I used to post at saying, "Yuck! Mans head and woman's body, disgusting!" Said by a guy who makes a rotting corpse look nice. Fucking incel.
I guess I should just take everything and feel nothing, its my fault for putting myself out there in plain sight. I have such pressure to conform to cis female requirements, to beauty standards, to everything... I never fit in, I'm never good enough, I've been bullied extremely for my looks back in the day, my mother used to (And still does to this day.) humiliate me for my body and say nasty remarks about my hair and about being so fat (Which I never really was!) and what else. I have such weight of past trauma and insecurities on my back... It takes a lot to take pictures and show myself, especially my face which often I see being absolutely hideous. I really try, I try every day to make it somehow. And I want to become better, I have to or my mental health will completely crumble. I feel that I'm even too old for this, its like polishing a turd, desperate damage control to T ravaged aging body.
And it never fails to happen, every time I feel a bit happy about something, post stuff because I'm on a good mood, very soon something comes to make it absolutely clear that I get it, that I'm nothing... Last night was horrible, Reddit algorithm is a total bitch and its always there to shove something to my face which shatters my illusions. I avoid so much already, maybe I should just quit being online completely? I have so little life I'm chronically online anyway.
I just want to become feminine and pretty. Its the only thing I might have a tiny little chance at... My dreams are all just dumb silly naive stuff, things that the caged little girl dreamed of, but it feels its all for nothing because nothing that I do is ever enough, I'm never enough.
Vanitas vanitatum.