[SweetO]

I had no idea about your intentions to have surgery. Whatever you decide, I'm sure you're going to look beautiful 

[HelloDiDi]

It was a dream... A silly distant naive dream because I grew up in a world where no "normal" person can get any work done like that... And then I met my girlfriend who's well off enough to have the chance to help me out. I never asked her to, she offered it herself. Its just too dreamy, too good to let go. I don't feel deserving at all, but I'm gonna take it. I could never pay anything like that on my own anyway.

It will be a major overhaul of body proportions and likely some minor fixes to my face. Some to fight dysphoria, some to fight aging. I'm trying to find some hope in this stupidly late transition... Maybe I can be a bit prettier with some $$$, maybe I can get back something that was stolen from me, make due for wasted years.

What I have for now is a general plan for what to get done and a consultation with the surgeon coming up next month. I'll know better after that, I'm sure he will come up with some good ideas and we get details down about it all.

I have quite nasty midlife crisis going on in a way, its bit like when I was hitting thirties but this hurts for real because I'm becoming so aware of passage of time, how my body is not reversing a day from where I'm now and how a lot of doors have closed for me. Getting some cosmetic fixes done that healthcare isn't going to cover is amazing privilege, super mega lucky. Kinda thing that never happens to me.

I hope it will make life happier and more worth living. For now I have no other purpose than transition and healing, making every day count and catching up on things I should have done ages ago.

[HelloDiDi]

I have some weird shuffling going on with lactation herbs and what not... Shatavari ran out, but I just restarted milk thistle which I know to work for me quite nicely, so I'm gonna try what happens when I switch one to another. Moringa might run out too in two days but I should get a parcel from iHerb soon that my girlfriend ordered, it has some stuff for me and some for her. She got amazing discount on it so was totally worth the order.

Also the Elvie pump cups with 24mm flange are getting way too tight and I'm having heavy blistering on BOTH nipples at the same time. I have been either busy or tired for the last week so much less hours on the pump, I don't think it has much to do with this, unless my nipples have gone a bit smaller, just enough to get blistered again. Left is absolutely rough looking, it healed already once but got blisters again right after. Its a good sign of them growing as this only happens at a certain point where they almost totally fill the flange... So very peculiar point. Also one more of the tube attachments once again broke out of nowhere. Luckily I had one more lying around and switched it over. Its obvious by now that this particular piece is horrible engineering or manufacturing, they're so fragile its crazy especially on quite pricey cups which are otherwise fnatastic.

I'm supposed to get the Spectra cups by thursday and I'm excited to try as they're rated so good. Also getting to upgrade to 28mm is exciting, I have no idea what to expect other than its likely a similar jump as previous time. I hope I can heal the blisters before I get the new cups. Healing them isn't difficult, I've noted now that cleanliness is imperative, not a tiniest infection since I've paid special attention on keeping everything clean and having a lot of braless time.

I got something really nice yesterday, new piercings on my ears, now I have three per side and I love it. They're already healing, no swelling and there's a lot of itch going on. The lady who made them was super nice, friend of my girlfriend from ages ago... She was very professional and quick with it and I think I found a new friend. She's an artist of all trades, piercings, tattoos, photography, paintings and what ever else. Really cool chick and now I know who to ask if I ever want more piercings or even some ink. And she's super good with makeup, gf asked if she could help out next summer to do a total makeover for me and take some good quality pictures. She agreed and seemed to be excited about the idea. Its so awesome, last time I had pro pics taken was my thrash metal bands promo pics five years ago and nothing since.

I kinda feel that having new piercings and being able to play with earrings will give me a little nice confidence boost. I'm planning for more selfcare too, soon I'll be booking the surgery obviously, then I want to get my hair done... In a way I hadn't had for a long time. Oh and now I got really awesome stuff to make nails. I did a practicerun on my gf and it turned out amazingly good, the best result I've ever done in my life. Black topped with magnetic chameleon colour, looks like northern lights or starry sky, it came out amazing. I'm waiting to grow my nails out a bit so I can do the same for myself. I need practice, fiance already agreed to let me do her nails also. ^_^

I hope all this works out... I really need some positive things to happen, I want to heal and this seems like a way to it.

[Mashtenn]

It looks like your are having a great day.  Happy for you.

[HelloDiDi]

Day 895, 29½ months.

So another half month update, I feel a bit better now that I restarted progesterone. I had a month off of it, except for the topical one. It was interesting experiement. Lowering prog helped to lactate a lot, but it wasn't a world of difference. It did however mess up my moods quite badly and this time of year I always get seasonal depression anyway so it just amplified everything... I'm obviously also having a sort of an age crisis, lot of often painful self reflection and looking back and to the future, wondering how will life keep throwing me around. Lot of crying and pain, letting go, self acceptance in some things, anxiety of what is coming as big life changing events are on the way.

Anyway, restarting prog along with some other little tweaks has drastically improved my mental state very quickly which is awesome. I kept quiet for a while for this reason, I didn't want to rant and cry and shout into the void too much as almost everyone gets tired with me when I do that. I've been leaning onto my girlfriend a lot with all these things and her patience is impeccable.

So, lactation stuff is going quite nicely, I'm learning a lot. The Elvie cups with 24mm funnel were simply just too shallow and too small. I now got the amazing mind blowingly awesome Spectra cups, 28mm funnel with some extra depth. I'm expecting to get the 24mm version too as I presume it to be more suitable for now. These cups are amazing! Less parts, no weak spots, zero air leaks out so lower power on the pump gives MORE pressure! These cups are THE thing to get what ever pump you got in use, they're simple, sturdy and there's zero weak parts on them, get them, they're amazing!
 

Then some fun stuff, I haven't measured for a while, but my 38KK bra is bursting at the seams. Its literally creaking when I straighten my back. I'm trying to handle it for now as after the body contouring etc., I will need new bras anyway. I went to see my mom the other day and had perfect excuse to wear this lovely dress, so here's some pics. Also check out my new piercings, I can now play with earrings a whole lot more. And the last pic, who needs lip fillers? xD HRT is so amazing, that's just lip gloss and silly kissy pose, I love it.



The changes I've made with my program are quite simple, I started trying Swansons multi glandular, it has BO and uterine tissue along with some others, I take two caps a day. Also I decided to use the pituitary caps I had lying about, its enough for two months so that too, just one per day. I'm out of shatavari and morigna but started Milk thistle on 2400mg/day dosage. Interestingly my milk supply is again rising and I'm taking a bit less of the prolactin herb stuff, appears that both combinations I've tried so far work quite well. For me what really does the magic is pumping! More I pump, more milky I get. Also milk supply follows my monthly cycle like clockwork, when period is close, titties go dry and then milky again. I've repeated this pattern now four times and it never seems to fail so I know to expect it.

I dropped GABA to 1500mg instead of 2250mg, higher dose seems to amplify anxiety symptoms while bit less is perfect. I'm taking bit over a recommended daily dose of omega 3's also, that has felt really nice, just over all feeling better. So Bovine Ovary at 1800mg, Uterine 300mg, Pituitary 80mg, GABA down to 1500mg and everything else as before.

I will update more about the pump and the amazing new cups once I get more hours done on it, so far its extremely promising, easily the best breast pump cups I've ever had.

[Billie]

Day 895, 29½ months.

So another half month update, I feel a bit better now that I restarted progesterone. I had a month off of it, except for the topical one. It was interesting experiement. Lowering prog helped to lactate a lot, but it wasn't a world of difference. It did however mess up my moods quite badly and this time of year I always get seasonal depression anyway so it just amplified everything... I'm obviously also having a sort of an age crisis, lot of often painful self reflection and looking back and to the future, wondering how will life keep throwing me around. Lot of crying and pain, letting go, self acceptance in some things, anxiety of what is coming as big life changing events are on the way.

Anyway, restarting prog along with some other little tweaks has drastically improved my mental state very quickly which is awesome. I kept quiet for a while for this reason, I didn't want to rant and cry and shout into the void too much as almost everyone gets tired with me when I do that. I've been leaning onto my girlfriend a lot with all these things and her patience is impeccable.

So, lactation stuff is going quite nicely, I'm learning a lot. The Elvie cups with 24mm funnel were simply just too shallow and too small. I now got the amazing mind blowingly awesome Spectra cups, 28mm funnel with some extra depth. I'm expecting to get the 24mm version too as I presume it to be more suitable for now. These cups are amazing! Less parts, no weak spots, zero air leaks out so lower power on the pump gives MORE pressure! These cups are THE thing to get what ever pump you got in use, they're simple, sturdy and there's zero weak parts on them, get them, they're amazing!
 

Then some fun stuff, I haven't measured for a while, but my 38KK bra is bursting at the seams. Its literally creaking when I straighten my back. I'm trying to handle it for now as after the body contouring etc., I will need new bras anyway. I went to see my mom the other day and had perfect excuse to wear this lovely dress, so here's some pics. Also check out my new piercings, I can now play with earrings a whole lot more. And the last pic, who needs lip fillers? xD HRT is so amazing, that's just lip gloss and silly kissy pose, I love it.



The changes I've made with my program are quite simple, I started trying Swansons multi glandular, it has BO and uterine tissue along with some others, I take two caps a day. Also I decided to use the pituitary caps I had lying about, its enough for two months so that too, just one per day. I'm out of shatavari and morigna but started Milk thistle on 2400mg/day dosage. Interestingly my milk supply is again rising and I'm taking a bit less of the prolactin herb stuff, appears that both combinations I've tried so far work quite well. For me what really does the magic is pumping! More I pump, more milky I get. Also milk supply follows my monthly cycle like clockwork, when period is close, titties go dry and then milky again. I've repeated this pattern now four times and it never seems to fail so I know to expect it.

I dropped GABA to 1500mg instead of 2250mg, higher dose seems to amplify anxiety symptoms while bit less is perfect. I'm taking bit over a recommended daily dose of omega 3's also, that has felt really nice, just over all feeling better. So Bovine Ovary at 1800mg, Uterine 300mg, Pituitary 80mg, GABA down to 1500mg and everything else as before.

I will update more about the pump and the amazing new cups once I get more hours done on it, so far its extremely promising, easily the best breast pump cups I've ever had.

Hi I looked at your Instagram and I apreciate pictures of your female dress. I think I could do that too.

[Stevenator_]

Your lips really do look great. That's one thing I haven't been able to get is fuller lips. Congratulations on the new earrings, too. The leopard print always screams sexy, and it looks great on you.

Back in junior high I had a crush on a girl who had pink highlights in her hair. I thought it was incredibly sexy. My Dad and other parents flipped out about her, being that "no one" back then used unnatural hair colorings. I thought she was so unique, but she liked another boy and my heart was crushed lol.

Good luck with the new changes to your program. I hope that you keep getting gains.

[Mashtenn]

It looks like you are back on track and you look great in the dress and your new piercings also look awesome.

[HelloDiDi]

Thanks everyone. I really love that dress so much, its lovely as its stretchy and flaunts everything. ^_^ And the earrings, I'm going to definitely try to get more so there's many combinations to try out. Christmas and my 40th birthday are coming soon, I know girlfriend has already come up with something and I've talked so much about this with her... Along with a dream of getting some really fancy dress for the time when my transition is complete. That I'm going to celebrate for real, arrange a decent party and invite every friend I can think of. I'm not going to celebrate my 40th birthday much, I told my partners that if they want to, feel free to come up with something, but I'm not arranging anything. Its just another notch to the barrel anyway. I don't care about the numbers. But completing transition is a huge accomplishment well worth a party and getting some really fancy dress for it.

Oh and I'm trying to get my nails to grow a bit better. I have the fantastic UV/LED oven and some really amazing gel polishes waiting. I did try them once and made some for gf and it turned out great. Black topped with magnetic colour which looks almost like northern lights or starry sky. My nails just grow quite slow and its nearly impossible to have them long as they're quite brittle. They used to be much stronger but now I got my moms nails.  

Did I mention before that the lady who did my piercings is an artist who does makeup and photography and stuff? I got a little plan with her for the time I'm done with body contouring etc., biggest visual changes. She will do a decent makeover and I'm gonna get pro quality pictures taken. Its been years since I had a photoshoot and that was with my band, this one will be all about just celebrating transition and new life as a woman. ^_^ I just want to have an excuse to get dolled up and have good pics taken and now I know who to ask for it. She already agreed, but we didn't talk about dates and stuff. Middle of winter is a bit rough for it anyway as outdoors pics are usually the best anyway. So yea, next summer will be something extraordinary.  

Stevenator, yea the thing about lips is kinda weird, I guess its one of the genetic lottery things on HRT. Most appear to get smoe change and few get a whole lot. Dice roll. I've been lucky, my lips have always been on the fuller side, but now its a whole another level. I do have something planned out on this btw about which I'll talk more later... One of the few makeup things I'm good at is painting lips., I'm yet to try the trick with that really hot red lipstick, first draw the edges, then add the colour and then top it with tinted vaseline as gloss. Its hundred years old trick for amazing lips which I'm yet to try out. ^_^


Its strange how good I've been feeling for the last couple of days. I think adding the uterine and pituitary glandulars was a great idea. Actually the only reason I previously stopped was that Natural Sources brand went out of the market, but its feeling so good, balanced. If this works so well, I'll definitely keep it going as its not too expensive. Also my breasts are feeling extra heavy, the aches have gone through the roof especially if I keep too long breaks from pumping. I took some pictures yesterday, I'm debating about posting them or not, but I may as well show how things are going.

So as you can see, there's quite a lot of dead skin that is on the way out, that's what happens when blisters are healing. I got smarter from the time I had two infected spots on my right nipple. Keeping them moist and super clean is the way. So twice a day and after a lot of the dead skin comes off, I rub it all away I can without being too rough. Then clean with the same disinfectant I use for injection spots. Then add medicine cream, the one I have is called bacibact (Bacitracin + neomycin. sulf.) which is meant for this kind of thing, its generic so same stuff is sold under many brands. Then the last thing is to add thick version of Bepanthen to keep things moisturised. One important thing is the nasty part, getting rid of all dead skin once it comes loose, the minute its possible, just rub it off, taking a long hot shower helps a lot. Making sure there's no place for any bacteria to go nuts is key to this. Otherwise dealing with blistered nipples is easy as pie, just keep them clean and keep on going.

Speaking of nipple development, this is just crazy. After two pumping sessions they're thicker than my thumb. They've got plenty of permanent growth, I should actually measure them soon, I'm sure they're more than 20mm wide now. The biggest difference seems to be when ever they're aroused or stimulated somehow. The swelling after pumping is insanely huge! Even with the new cups the depth of the funnel is barely enough.

I haven't measured for a while, but I know I've gained volume, quite a lot too as my bra is creaking and feels very annoyingly tight after a while. It feels like the latest changes are definitely helping, its all good, I'm planning to keep the current program going for now.

[Mashtenn]

You had a very good weekend.  Your nipples are amazing.  Your pumping certainly have made some permanent results.  Love how they look.