06-11-2023, 12:42 PM
(06-11-2023, 12:03 PM)Niaja Wrote: So sorry to read you are going through so much doubt and pain I'm not a therapist all I can say is you are a unique person with unique skills if others can't see it --well it is their loss. Has therapy gone you any insight as to why you d=fell as you do. all I can say is don't give up and please don't leave this forum we are here to support you
Therapy is not going to remove my problems, its just talk... I talk with friends, with my partners, with people here. No talking in the world will ever fix me. It can only fix the mental scars once my body and face have been fixed first. I guess it has been my mistake to expect better than it has been, and seeing others get to live my dreams truly hurts. Loss of looks and social standing is the worst price I've had to pay for my transition...
Then seeing all women who are actually pretty be treated as actually worth something. Others get superlative praise, I get a "nice". It takes only so many repeats until naive optimism dies, rude awakening and becoming disillusioned follow. I have been severely downgraded from before times, in my past life I was at the top of the ladder pretty much. Better than that would have been if I were rich which I have never been... But these days, I feel like I'm nothing what so ever. The worst is having almost all social life online only.
And the thing about looks is that for a woman its way more important, way more. Especially for me as I do not have the social circle any more, they're all gone. How to make new friends even? Online where the first and often only thing that pulls attention is looks, if that's not good enough, nothing else will matter a goddamn thing. In old life I never needed to really bother much about this, I knew my place as real life experience had shown what it was. Right now I just don't know, I don't know where my place is in the social hierarchy that people always construct among themselves. So I have a huge need for external validation to figure this stuff out. And I sure as hell want to become as pretty as I can get. I used to dream of it when I was kid and feel so wronged why I wasn't allowed similar beauty as what I saw girls do all the time. All things socially acceptable for me were bland and boring, unlike girls, they got to be super cute and do all the pretty stuff they ever wanted whereas I was forced to keep my hair short (I didn't and got beaten up for it a lot and bullied.), wear the most bland boring shit ever, and imagine what would have happened if I wore makeup, feminine clothes and stuff? That would have been complete suicide in 90's Finland. I did have painted nails some times and got bullied for it.
So now that I finally have the chance to go into all this, of course I want to be perceived as nothing short of gorgeous. There's a lot I haven't learned yet, but I'm also becoming disillusioned with this, that I'm not perceived the way I used to, nor the way I would want to and that I feel I can't even become like that either.... It would take a load of money to fix everything that's wrong about my face. And then I see others be praised to high heavens, people who often I don't even think look that special, but for some reason, they're better than I am. Conclusion, I must be really mediocre next to those lucky ones. How and why, that I don't know. Its not like my looks went down the drain in the last two and half years, quite the opposite. But for some reason, as a woman, I'm just not good enough.
I try not to leave, I've really felt like wanting to crash and burn, delete every trace of me online and just disappear. But that would mean the trouble of making new accounts as I know these things tend to come and go. But what changed is that I'm really considering if I want to share pictures because its not doing what I want it to. When I see others get treated many times better but not looking so special, I understand that I must be quite mediocre, so better not share anything until things have changed.