06-11-2023, 09:43 AM
There's one thing really bothering me and I want to make it clear how it is. I have been accused of being envious many times when I cry about dysphoria, my body lacking things, being not pretty and not feminine enough and so on.
Its not envy. Its dysphoria that does it. I can be also envious, that does happen some times, I'm imperfect and I have all kinds of typical human flaws of character you can think of. Probably more than most people because I'm quite broken and I'm not the best person ever. I'm not gonne put up some silly charade for being perfect super awesome person who never suffers from these very human problems, of course I do. But there's a difference.
Dysphoria comes from inside, its about my body not matching my identity or "soul" or how ever you want to say it. It comes from me not having some trait I should have and often other women trigger this as they remind me of what I'm lacking. Its not their fault in slightest, absolutely not. I try not to ever lash out at them, rather vent in some other way, think how to make a change in myself so they wouldn't trigger me and so on. The symptoms are much like envy, but the cause is dysphoria that comes from within myself.
Envy comes from the outside, from hurting of someone else having something better or more than what I do. Here's the difference, those people who made me "feel envious" aka triggered my dysphoria a year or two ago, make me feel absolutely nothing these days. Why is that, simply because I not have what they reminded me not having previously, but now as I got it already, my dysphoria has been alleviated so I'm not getting triggered. If I were truly envious, they would likely still hurt me like hell for just existing. And you bet I know how envy feels like, how it rots my heart if I allow it to fester. Envy if anything is extremely ugly heart rotting mental cancer if there is such thing.
The way I have dealt with envy is to observe the situation from outside, as if in third person. Stop and think why is this person making me hurt, is there a way for me to make things better so I would have what they have? If there is a way, then I work for it. If there is no way, then I have to either forget about it or make a peace with it. I have used envy as a driving force for achieving things and learned that its all about channeling that negative feeling into something that makes my life better. Lashing out at the subject of that envy will never make anything better, venting is one thing, then working out how to make a difference and then achieving it. I used to be extremely envious about music, drumming, art and so on... What I did was to just get better at it and then, pay no attention on what others do but rather just do my own thing and that's it. One day I realised this about drumming, that I'm flawlessly playing stuff from Dave Lombardo, Trym Torson, Gar Samuelson, Horgh, Nick Menza and so on. These guys are all world class professional drummers known for their amazing drumming skill, feel, style and so on. If I'm good enough to play the stuff these guys do and even add my own sound into it and make it sound great, I'm just as good as they are. The size of audience makes no difference to the musical side of it. Same with art, I realized I'm quite good at it, not technically, but nobody else in the world has the same unique touch and style that I do. Everything I paint and draw is instantly recogniceable as my work. It makes no difference that my art hasn't made me gazillions of €, it has a value on its own just like all creative work has. No one can take these things away from me and make me worse by being more skilled than I am or different, because what I do with music and art is uniquely mine. Sure if they're measured with money, I absolutely suck, but by every other measure, its quite neat stuff and I'm good at it. So much for being envious of anybody.
I'm hoping my transition and problems with looks would turn out the same and probably will. My greatest struggle is about two things, alleviating dysphoria which is by far a physical problem, and the harder part, how to deal with loss of social standing, loss of pretty privilege and status as someone who used to be wanted company and much loved by many. I used to have a problem of too many people trying to be my friend and it got very annoying at times. And it slowly built up such social exhaustion that isolation has been partially very welcome.
Its this loss that hurts me so much, its a nasty rude awakening. If I was a total socail pariah from before, I likely wouldn't be hurt by this much. Like my girlfriend says, she's been quite introverted and socially awkward all her life, so her transition hasn't changed anything socially. For me its the opposite of that, such loss that it some times makes me regret, but not enough that I would ever try to look back really. This is the right thing to do and if the price is so high, then so be it. Its not much different than the time when I was bullied badly and the entire school were mostly enemies. I survived that hell and I can survive much more.
Siberia teaches.
Its not envy. Its dysphoria that does it. I can be also envious, that does happen some times, I'm imperfect and I have all kinds of typical human flaws of character you can think of. Probably more than most people because I'm quite broken and I'm not the best person ever. I'm not gonne put up some silly charade for being perfect super awesome person who never suffers from these very human problems, of course I do. But there's a difference.
Dysphoria comes from inside, its about my body not matching my identity or "soul" or how ever you want to say it. It comes from me not having some trait I should have and often other women trigger this as they remind me of what I'm lacking. Its not their fault in slightest, absolutely not. I try not to ever lash out at them, rather vent in some other way, think how to make a change in myself so they wouldn't trigger me and so on. The symptoms are much like envy, but the cause is dysphoria that comes from within myself.
Envy comes from the outside, from hurting of someone else having something better or more than what I do. Here's the difference, those people who made me "feel envious" aka triggered my dysphoria a year or two ago, make me feel absolutely nothing these days. Why is that, simply because I not have what they reminded me not having previously, but now as I got it already, my dysphoria has been alleviated so I'm not getting triggered. If I were truly envious, they would likely still hurt me like hell for just existing. And you bet I know how envy feels like, how it rots my heart if I allow it to fester. Envy if anything is extremely ugly heart rotting mental cancer if there is such thing.
The way I have dealt with envy is to observe the situation from outside, as if in third person. Stop and think why is this person making me hurt, is there a way for me to make things better so I would have what they have? If there is a way, then I work for it. If there is no way, then I have to either forget about it or make a peace with it. I have used envy as a driving force for achieving things and learned that its all about channeling that negative feeling into something that makes my life better. Lashing out at the subject of that envy will never make anything better, venting is one thing, then working out how to make a difference and then achieving it. I used to be extremely envious about music, drumming, art and so on... What I did was to just get better at it and then, pay no attention on what others do but rather just do my own thing and that's it. One day I realised this about drumming, that I'm flawlessly playing stuff from Dave Lombardo, Trym Torson, Gar Samuelson, Horgh, Nick Menza and so on. These guys are all world class professional drummers known for their amazing drumming skill, feel, style and so on. If I'm good enough to play the stuff these guys do and even add my own sound into it and make it sound great, I'm just as good as they are. The size of audience makes no difference to the musical side of it. Same with art, I realized I'm quite good at it, not technically, but nobody else in the world has the same unique touch and style that I do. Everything I paint and draw is instantly recogniceable as my work. It makes no difference that my art hasn't made me gazillions of €, it has a value on its own just like all creative work has. No one can take these things away from me and make me worse by being more skilled than I am or different, because what I do with music and art is uniquely mine. Sure if they're measured with money, I absolutely suck, but by every other measure, its quite neat stuff and I'm good at it. So much for being envious of anybody.
I'm hoping my transition and problems with looks would turn out the same and probably will. My greatest struggle is about two things, alleviating dysphoria which is by far a physical problem, and the harder part, how to deal with loss of social standing, loss of pretty privilege and status as someone who used to be wanted company and much loved by many. I used to have a problem of too many people trying to be my friend and it got very annoying at times. And it slowly built up such social exhaustion that isolation has been partially very welcome.
Its this loss that hurts me so much, its a nasty rude awakening. If I was a total socail pariah from before, I likely wouldn't be hurt by this much. Like my girlfriend says, she's been quite introverted and socially awkward all her life, so her transition hasn't changed anything socially. For me its the opposite of that, such loss that it some times makes me regret, but not enough that I would ever try to look back really. This is the right thing to do and if the price is so high, then so be it. Its not much different than the time when I was bullied badly and the entire school were mostly enemies. I survived that hell and I can survive much more.
Siberia teaches.