Dysphoria and envy are not the same thing. But I do suffer from both. Or how about envy driven by dysphoria? How about adding BDD into the mix, the inability to perceive myself correctly? What about the feedback of lack thereof that I'm seeing when evr I post something. I'm not blind, nor dumb, I'm just blind to my own appearance and dysphoric as hell. Poeople always seem to think that my problem is simple envy, when its more about being triggered by not getting the same lova and validation other women get.
Also I am an artist with a keen eye to details, I know how "universal" or "Objective" kind of beauty works. I don't seem to have that as I'm not getting the kind of validation I would want. The kind I see other women get every single day. I'm well aware of what makeup and picture manipulation does. I have formal training on photography, I know how this game is being played. Understanding of all this obviously does not remove my mental health problems, nor does it make my body match any better with what its supposed to be and what I deserve.
Am I old? Hitting forty in two months.... Is that really considered old? +65 is old. I'm going to see my gf in about two weeks... I'm stuck at home for now, fiance has her hand recovering from a surgery and then my mother has birthday coming up and she has invited us for dinner or something, I would totally log off everything and escape this shithole of overthinking and mental anguish right now, but I'm forced to wait.
I'm definitely not wasting my time trying to fit any fascist beauty standards, especially that fake shit everybody is doing today because I can't reach that. I'm far too big, clumsy, bulky, ugly, "old" and all that to ever fit into it anyway. I should just accept everything somehow, but not before I actually try to do something about it. I will never be truly beautiful, only in "my own way" or what ever pretty white lie I can cook up. Its just that I'm way too disillusioned and self aware to feel good about some make believe self acceptance, not until I've tried to make a difference with what ever I can. Otherwise its just admitting defeat and refuse to admit any defeats. I'm awfully harsh to myself and its really not healthy, I just don't know any better.
Forgive me for not seeming to appreciate... I'm just in a rather dark place right now.
Also I am an artist with a keen eye to details, I know how "universal" or "Objective" kind of beauty works. I don't seem to have that as I'm not getting the kind of validation I would want. The kind I see other women get every single day. I'm well aware of what makeup and picture manipulation does. I have formal training on photography, I know how this game is being played. Understanding of all this obviously does not remove my mental health problems, nor does it make my body match any better with what its supposed to be and what I deserve.
Am I old? Hitting forty in two months.... Is that really considered old? +65 is old. I'm going to see my gf in about two weeks... I'm stuck at home for now, fiance has her hand recovering from a surgery and then my mother has birthday coming up and she has invited us for dinner or something, I would totally log off everything and escape this shithole of overthinking and mental anguish right now, but I'm forced to wait.
I'm definitely not wasting my time trying to fit any fascist beauty standards, especially that fake shit everybody is doing today because I can't reach that. I'm far too big, clumsy, bulky, ugly, "old" and all that to ever fit into it anyway. I should just accept everything somehow, but not before I actually try to do something about it. I will never be truly beautiful, only in "my own way" or what ever pretty white lie I can cook up. Its just that I'm way too disillusioned and self aware to feel good about some make believe self acceptance, not until I've tried to make a difference with what ever I can. Otherwise its just admitting defeat and refuse to admit any defeats. I'm awfully harsh to myself and its really not healthy, I just don't know any better.
Forgive me for not seeming to appreciate... I'm just in a rather dark place right now.