[HelloDiDi]

I'm taking a break from updating my thread. Especially from posting pictures. Especially selfies, no selfies. Its useless to show my face, I look like shit. I look fucking hideously mediocre and I'm almost never getting the validation I wish for. All I am for people is boobs, hips, maybe hair colour and some rare times some other detail, but I'm never beautiful.  I'm never goregous, I'm never "beyond transition", I'm never anything that I see other women be called all the time. 

I'm having a very strong feeling of message received, its better to not be out in the open at all because I'm obviously not worth anything what I would wish to hear. I'm done with it. Note that I haven't posted pictures anywhere else either, only to some close people on Discord and nothing else. I don't want to because I'm not worth looking at. I'm crappy mediocre ugly ass nordic swamp creature and I'm better off not existing online at all. At least for now.

I would have some cool stuff about NBE to talk about and there are some big changes coming my way soon, but none of that saves my awful mediocre shitty face which is almost never worth commenting about. I'm also feeling very depressed lately, its like a repeat of the two previous winters and it feels somehow even worse than before.

There's no value in me, as a woman I'm worthless. I can't become a mother and I'm not even pretty so what worth do I have? Nothing what so ever. I'm so fucking sad with this, I hate internet, I hate my goddamn stupid lucky stars for this hideous bullshit fate. My body is totally wrong, its too big, gulky, masculine and ugly. My life has been doomed since birth as transition is inevitable and its ruining so much. I feel there's no life for me, there's no future. I have lost my social standing, my friends have largely abandoned me, I'm often lonely and I'm not even finding validation and nice things online as I'm not pretty enough.

I just hit 28½ months on HRT and there has been some nice things, but I don't want to share anything... Its worthless waste of time anyway. I might not post much, I'm feeling far too depressed for it. Everybody else are better than me anyway and worth more attention and everything. I might as well just stop posting anything. Its not gonna make me feel better.

[HelloDiDi]

Its all just a quote? Why does this happen? I've seen several posters with this problem...

[HelloDiDi]

I'm really close considering deletion of all online accounts I have, all pictures I have ever posted, everything.... Or just letting it all go and not bothering at all. Everything feels so useless, I'm chronically online, I have very little real life, very little positive experience as friends are gone, I can't be with gf all the time and I'm fucking depressed. I wish I could just go into a hibernation and wake up with a new body which would make me pretty and accepted, a body in which I wouldn't need to suffer from dysphoria and endless inferiority towards almost all women.

I'm likely just too lazy to delete everything and stop posting and stop talking to anybody as then I would need to make everything again later. I might just shut up and stop posting anything at all. Everything feels so useless. I'm worthless shitty nobody. Only fools hope on the coming operations keeps me going right now. Last winter I remember thinking that I wont survive another winter that depressing and this one feels like its going to be worse before it even really begins.

Vanitas vanitatum.

[Lolly]

It sounds like you’ve fallen into a trap that a lot of teenage girls and older women fall into… looking at posts on whatever platform of attractive women, feeling envious and then depressed. Sometimes these images are manipulated, makeup hides blemishes… they are often not how these people look in real life. Maybe they took 100 shots before they got one where they looked good.

I think every human has beauty. I love the way old people look, a life earned and a wisdom in the eyes.

I’ve seen your images and you’re actually an attractive person. You have beauty. You have your life, don’t waste it on feeling the need to look like some beauty industry-plasticised face!

The lack of sun is probably starting to make you fed up too! Thinking we have another 6 months of winter now here in Finland doesn’t help.

Plan to do something you’ll look forward to. Stay off social media for a week! Look after yourself. You’ll get to the other side. You have before and you will again.

[HelloDiDi]

Dysphoria and envy are not the same thing. But I do suffer from both. Or how about envy driven by dysphoria? How about adding BDD into the mix, the inability to perceive myself correctly? What about the feedback of lack thereof that I'm seeing when evr I post something. I'm not blind, nor dumb, I'm just blind to my own appearance and dysphoric as hell. Poeople always seem to think that my problem is simple envy, when its more about being triggered by not getting the same lova and validation other women get.

Also I am an artist with a keen eye to details, I know how "universal" or "Objective" kind of beauty works. I don't seem to have that as I'm not getting the kind of validation I would want. The kind I see other women get every single day. I'm well aware of what makeup and picture manipulation does. I have formal training on photography, I know how this game is being played. Understanding of all this obviously does not remove my mental health problems, nor does it make my body match any better with what its supposed to be and what I deserve.

Am I old? Hitting forty in two months.... Is that really considered old? +65 is old. I'm going to see my gf in about two weeks... I'm stuck at home for now, fiance has her hand recovering from a surgery and then my mother has birthday coming up and she has invited us for dinner or something, I would totally log off everything and escape this shithole of overthinking and mental anguish right now, but I'm forced to wait.

I'm definitely not wasting my time trying to fit any fascist beauty standards, especially that fake shit everybody is doing today because I can't reach that. I'm far too big, clumsy, bulky, ugly, "old" and all that to ever fit into it anyway. I should just accept everything somehow, but not before I actually try to do something about it. I will never be truly beautiful, only in "my own way" or what ever pretty white lie I can cook up. Its just that I'm way too disillusioned and self aware to feel good about some make believe self acceptance, not until I've tried to make a difference with what ever I can. Otherwise its just admitting defeat and refuse to admit any defeats. I'm awfully harsh to myself and its really not healthy, I just don't know any better.

Forgive me for not seeming to appreciate... I'm just in a rather dark place right now.

[MaleSise]

Lara, it's hard for me to write some things in English, but I've already written something similar here. If I didn't know who you were and I saw you by chance in a photo without any description, I would conclude that you was a cis woman. You have incredibly large and beautiful breasts. I think that their very appearance causes envy among women themselves. Also, your face and your hair do not at all give the impression of a person in transition. Although you haven't undergone a surgical gender reassignment yet, you're more feminine than many cis women I've had the opportunity to meet and work with. Your pictures are phenomenal and I don't know if you are aware that you are a role model for many people here. I am not in transition, but if I were, your topic and your presence on this forum would be of great help to me. In a way, I compare you to Lotus. In fact, you are also a great help to me, because I have implemented many of your NBE methods in my therapy. We all have phases when we look in the mirror and see something else. Sometimes you should stop looking in the mirror and ignore your surroundings 

[HelloDiDi]

Lara, it's hard for me to write some things in English, but I've already written something similar here. If I didn't know who you were and I saw you by chance in a photo without any description, I would conclude that you was a cis woman. You have incredibly large and beautiful breasts. I think that their very appearance causes envy among women themselves. Also, your face and your hair do not at all give the impression of a person in transition. Although you haven't undergone a surgical gender reassignment yet, you're more feminine than many cis women I've had the opportunity to meet and work with. Your pictures are phenomenal and I don't know if you are aware that you are a role model for many people here. I am not in transition, but if I were, your topic and your presence on this forum would be of great help to me. In a way, I compare you to Lotus. In fact, you are also a great help to me, because I have implemented many of your NBE methods in my therapy. We all have phases when we look in the mirror and see something else. Sometimes you should stop looking in the mirror and ignore your surroundings 

Its ok, English isn't my first language either.

Thank you so much, such kind words. At very least, being stealth passing is the least of my problems as it has worked perfectly for quite long time now. This along with curves is what I'm really in luck with and extremely grateful for it. Yea, it likely is doing just that. I know at least two cases of a cis woman feeling envy towards me. To them I always say that my situation and existence is so troubled and painful quite often, there's nothing to be envied about it. And my face, good thing is lack of overly masculine features, but I feel that's the end of it.... I don't feel special or pretty, I can't do it on my own. Some times I see glimpse of it but those are just fleeting moments at best.

Oh gosh, I'm a terrible role model for anyone. Unless a troubled struggling intersex transgender woman is something to look up to. I'm really quite broken and definitely not in best mental health... My life since my late childhood onward has been quite turbulent and in many ways troubled and harsh, on other things very lucky and definitely unusual in many ways. Perhaps a story worth telling as I've ended up in lot of places and situations in which most people will never end up to. Then I've sufferered a lot and absolutely underachieved on all things considered "normal".

About being feminine, I always feel I'm never feminine enough no matter what I do about it, but this I think is largely dysphoria blinding me. I know so many trans women who battle with this same nasty feeling all the time regardless of how well their transitions are going. And there's definitely a need to compensate all things fem to feel better and to make up for the physical shortcomings which are not possible to fix. And I'm going to push it quite hard with this, I must as otherwise I'll live rest of my life in endless pain and inferiority.

Funny you mention that, Lotus is the scientist, I'm the witchdoctor. Her research has been a big help on everything I'm doing, I wish I was as good with the science lingo and remembering things. I know I've read much more than I can remember and in the end just stuck up with the things that have worked after much trial and error. I'm glad its helpful, I hope I'll have the motivation to write in depth about the lactation experiment I'm doing. Its going well, but not perfect, then again there are stones not turned yet on that.

Oh mirrors are terrible liars, some are nice, others hate me. I do that a lot btw... To the point of disassociating from my body, distracting, trying to not feel any of it. I should restart meditating btw. Back in the day when I was actively practicing, it helped me so much with depression and dysphoria (which I didn't truly understand back then yet!) and so on. Being able to calm down and feel only certain thoughts or feelings, but not feeling my body much at all is bliss. Its almost like dreaming while awake, existing without the problems that my body brings. I used to visualise a lot of out of body type of thing and it was just lovely. I've been just too stressed to get back into this as its very hard at first... Gosh I should really try to get into it again as I know it can help.

[Jennifer]

Hello HelloDiDi

What happens to you?

You are very hard on yourself.

I haven't interacted with you often, but here!!

Do you think all transgender people are super beautiful?

My speech therapist told me that there are thousands of women's voices, high notes, low notes, etc.
And that we transgender people are never happy with our voice, and yet...

There are thousands, even millions, of cis gender women who must think they are ugly.

You are young, I am old in comparison (60 years old in two months) and many of us are over 60 years old.

Today I told my mother that I could never be beautiful having started transitioning too late.
No, not everyone uses programs to modify their face.
And still, very few members show their true colors.

However, do you find me ugly or beautiful.


I still have dysphoria for my passing. I am always asking my colleagues how this or that person perceived me.
The response is always the same, no adverse reaction.
I'm a woman, that's all, like you.
And in normal life outside of work, for more than 8 months, I have been a woman, that's all.

Like Liz told me, what do you see in the mirror in the morning,
I told him, a woman.
I smile to myself, and appreciate myself. you must do the same.

You are as beautiful as anything. However, you put a few too many photos of your breasts.
Me, I'm done with the race for big breasts, I'm letting the hormones do their thing.

I have two threads, one for my transition and my life as a woman, and one where you can still see my breasts.

I myself went through a bout of depression where I deleted my original thread.

I'm glad you're in Europe, too many members are in the USA.

Keep your morale up.
You are a role model for many and you have your fans.
Sois toi même et vie ta vie.

There you go, even if sometimes the translations from English to French can not say the right things, the translations from French to English can sometimes have mistakes, I hope I am correct.

We are all beautiful women.

Kisses Lara

Jennifer

[MaleSise]

Lara, I'm not a psychologist, but what I'm saying comes from my experiences, as well as the experiences of other people.
What you wrote can be called only one word. And that's life. Life is not a straight line, but a very nasty curve. We all go through it similarly, but through different situations. Also, not all of us are mentally strong, because not all of us have the same emotions. And all people have problems with the perception of their image.
Have you thought about what you would look like if you were born a woman? You probably wouldn't pay as much attention to these things as you do now. And on the other hand, she might be less attractive. We have to accept ourselves as we are. I had problems myself, because I wanted to come off as an alpha male. This feeling of helplessness caused me to have complexes for many years and I was unhappy inside. I developed jealousy of people who looked the way I wanted to look. And then I still went in another direction. I'm not young. Five days ago I turned half a century old, so only now can I look back at myself when I was younger. The process is not easy and is often long. I have met unattractive women and men in my life. Some of them radiated incredible energy that had an impact on their surroundings. It's not all about looks. We are visual beings, but we often neglect our inner strength and vibration.
I hope you will become aware of your strength and energy. And we should stop thinking about how someone else sees and experiences us. Only then do we become who we are

[Gabrielle]

I can say, i think you need some me time. Focus on you, and what makes you happy.
I also would say. Get your self involved with something. Something hooks you. 

For me when i could, it was the gym. I had nero surgery and i need to lose weight, build up my strength and coordination. It became obsession. May be to fact that my endorphins where being released.
My point being, it gave me focus, enjoyment, and i felt good about my self. But i probably got a little to vain, going from a 40w to a 30w, getting toned. Yes i did put on weight over the years but this was due to the muscles i had built up.

My point being, perhaps you might want to tailor something to suit your needs. Your head and even body will thank you for it. I believe the strength of character and determination as person, who sets goals they wanted to achieve. Is already evident with you.

So get off your ass and go grab it while you can. You never when the rug will be pulled out from under you. X