04-10-2023, 11:56 AM
I don't presume anyone would have any real answer or any good advice for me. There's just something that's bothering me a lot. I suffer from body dysmorphia, very obviously, there's no denying it. I don't see myself correctly at all and it keeps changing all the time how I perceive myself. I can't tell how I truly look like, I get conflicting feedback which confuses me even more and I default into thinking that I'm at best average or downright ugly. Its easier because I'm accustomed to being a failure and endless disappointment, although in previous life before transition I was considered quite attractive and I knew it.
Could it be that I'm just not photogenic? Or is it my lack of effort because I'm not so much into painted on beauty? I rather just be natural anyway... I couldn't do makeup all the time even if I wanted to and even if I had the skill to do it, my skin is simply too sensitive and can't handle it all the time anyway.
Why am I perceived much prettier and attractive in real life than online? Why is that? Why do men endlessly check me out when I'm out and about? And some typically older women obviously frown upon me.... Do they only see boobs and hips? What does it? Why I do get treated so much better irl, while online I keep on being told that I'm average, mediocre, "nice", "cute" and all these other stupid things that are told to not so fancy looking women? Or I get complimented for tiny details here and and there, but almost never actually get called beautiful? No one ever gives me superlative praise for being pretty, I never get called "stunning" or "gorgeous" or beautiful by anyone except those who are close to me and see me through their rose tinted love glasses... Of course I'm pretty for them because they love me. But other people never give me actual real deal praise, only the backhanded fake compliments out of pity or something about some minor detail. Why then, do I get much more positive reactions in real life? Why is this? I don't understand.
All this stupid shit bothers me so much because people are incredibly shallow. Womans value is seemingly measured in three things above all else, looks, can she give birth and can she take care of others... I can barely take care of myself, I feel ugly af and can't give birth obviously. So what's my value then? Fucking zero. A cumrag, mattress, fetish toy. If I would degrade myself into that which I'm not willing to after knowing how much "fun" it is. And then there's my naive delusional dreams of wanting to be beautiful which I obviously can not do, I'm just not lucky enough for that because my face is crap. If I was cut in pieces and reassembled again, then maybe I could be something? But that's very unlikely that I could ever get FFS anyway. So what's the deal, what should I do? Be another loser and accept failure, become content with being some ugly mediocre worthless crap? I don't think I can do that, accepting being shitty looking and failing at this would mean that there's not even that in my life... FOr now I have given up almost everything except my transition and my happiness is totally tied to it and a lot of it is about looks because that's what makes or breaks social acceptance, especially for a trans woman as we must be way more fem than cis women to be just "ok", let alone anything better. It sucks, world is fucking cruel and life is a bitch.
I don't just see a way dealing with this. I cannot accept some dumb content self acceptance bs, at least not before I actually try out everything and miserably fail. Or is my fate to be mediocre ugly piece of shit? Worthless queen of averages. I guess my saving grace is curves, when people pay attention to that, maybe they don't look at my face and forget I have one.
Could it be that I'm just not photogenic? Or is it my lack of effort because I'm not so much into painted on beauty? I rather just be natural anyway... I couldn't do makeup all the time even if I wanted to and even if I had the skill to do it, my skin is simply too sensitive and can't handle it all the time anyway.
Why am I perceived much prettier and attractive in real life than online? Why is that? Why do men endlessly check me out when I'm out and about? And some typically older women obviously frown upon me.... Do they only see boobs and hips? What does it? Why I do get treated so much better irl, while online I keep on being told that I'm average, mediocre, "nice", "cute" and all these other stupid things that are told to not so fancy looking women? Or I get complimented for tiny details here and and there, but almost never actually get called beautiful? No one ever gives me superlative praise for being pretty, I never get called "stunning" or "gorgeous" or beautiful by anyone except those who are close to me and see me through their rose tinted love glasses... Of course I'm pretty for them because they love me. But other people never give me actual real deal praise, only the backhanded fake compliments out of pity or something about some minor detail. Why then, do I get much more positive reactions in real life? Why is this? I don't understand.
All this stupid shit bothers me so much because people are incredibly shallow. Womans value is seemingly measured in three things above all else, looks, can she give birth and can she take care of others... I can barely take care of myself, I feel ugly af and can't give birth obviously. So what's my value then? Fucking zero. A cumrag, mattress, fetish toy. If I would degrade myself into that which I'm not willing to after knowing how much "fun" it is. And then there's my naive delusional dreams of wanting to be beautiful which I obviously can not do, I'm just not lucky enough for that because my face is crap. If I was cut in pieces and reassembled again, then maybe I could be something? But that's very unlikely that I could ever get FFS anyway. So what's the deal, what should I do? Be another loser and accept failure, become content with being some ugly mediocre worthless crap? I don't think I can do that, accepting being shitty looking and failing at this would mean that there's not even that in my life... FOr now I have given up almost everything except my transition and my happiness is totally tied to it and a lot of it is about looks because that's what makes or breaks social acceptance, especially for a trans woman as we must be way more fem than cis women to be just "ok", let alone anything better. It sucks, world is fucking cruel and life is a bitch.
I don't just see a way dealing with this. I cannot accept some dumb content self acceptance bs, at least not before I actually try out everything and miserably fail. Or is my fate to be mediocre ugly piece of shit? Worthless queen of averages. I guess my saving grace is curves, when people pay attention to that, maybe they don't look at my face and forget I have one.