25-05-2023, 07:20 AM
(25-05-2023, 12:20 AM)Kay Lady Wrote: Hi DiDi (Lara),
I read your response and although I try to self accept and self love, it is a struggle. I agree with what you said. I also have feelings of self hatred, and a wasted life. I am always reading and trying to heal. I seem to make some progress, but there are set backs.
☮️ Kay
You are listing the exact things that are making my transition and life so much worse. There is a lot which I don't talk about here much as I try to stay on topic of boobs and body changes and NBE mostly.
For me a lot of the talk about self acceptance is the same as admitting defeat and just becoming content with everything as I've told to do countless times. I can't accept, no becoming content with anything that I can change. With things I can't, such as past, the parts of my anatomy which current medical science cannot fix, lost opportunities in social life and so on, those are causing massive grief and they're a subject for self acceptance. For the rest, that I think comes at the end of the road when most changes have happened and every stone has been turned. Before then, it'll be a battle against the dysphoria demon with what ever means necessary.
Self hatred, omg I'm the queen of self hatred. I learned that early on. I was taught to hate myself even more because I was demanded perfection in a lot of things and of course I couldn't be the perfect one. At the same time I was never taught to lose. Guess what happens with this when puberty began and once T dominance hit in? Guess how it made me feel that I developed to both ways and got wide hips and little boobs and stuff, when I lacked downstairs (that came late for me) and didn't have much body hair. How I felt later when I had zero facial, looked like one of the girls and stuff. Omg the bullying, much of it was body shaming for all this stuff. Bullied for "Being a girl" was literally what they said. But there's also a beautiful irony there, without all that strangenes, I don't think I would be doing so good with my transition right now would I? Being partially there by nature seems to have its benefits.
Don't worry, that's how its like and it will be painful, but its always two steps back and three forward.
So later today I'm hopping on a train and going to see my new girlfriend. She said to be heading out, doing some arrangements for tonight. Omg the amount of trouble she's been going through to spoil me... I think she really likes me a whole lot. So next few days I'll be offline mostly, I may pop in quickly at some point if I'm not way too busy which I think I will be. I will also be off of MSM as hauling that raw powder around would need a small nice container for it and I'm lazy to look for one. Also this means several days complete time off of noogle which is nice for a change. Its been quite a while since I had more than one or two days off. First date for five years I think? Last time resembling anything like this was when I went to Croatia back in the day and there's a whole lot of first times coming up. I've never had a trans girlfriend who lived close by, never one which became more than a dream and lot of chatting and so on. And first time since transitioning that I will have a chance to explore my new life like this. I'm so excited, butterflies and all. Anyway, I got to go, talk to you later lovelies.