A case for an intersex condition
I thought I would post about this in depth because this has been bothering me a lot lately. I think I've mentioned it on the sidelines before that I have strong suspicion of being intersex. having likely the classic Klinefelter XXY variant or a mosaic of some type. I have likely even posted a list of reasons why I suspect it before? That list was sort of incomplete and I thought I would write a new one with more details...
Aside from physical abnormalities, there are other reasons why I've looked into this. I don't feel that I belong with most of the trans women out there. I'm not a huge "scene butterfly" to begin with, that's why I rather post on a tiny fringe group like BN which is largely underground and a niche to a few. Mostly I want to be here to inspire and help out other trans ladies who are still in the closet and searching themselves. And of course my friends.
But I dunno, it just seems that I am... Different than most trans women. I've noticed a trend with those who I relate to. and who become good friends with me. They're almost solely traditional binary trans women, and somehow, they either have an intersex condition or have suspicion of such along with lot of physical and mental traits typical for intersex trans women. I feel they're my kin. There's some kind of deep soulside connection there, similar to how I feel about some cis ladies who have become close friends with me. A can of worms I'm not sure if I dare to open is how a lot of trans women behave and think like men do, how they're hypersexual, often all about looks, competition, beauty contest types. Shallow. Totally not like me and those close to me. There's a clear divide there, my friends are few and far between and its eerie how almost all of them share similar weirdness that I'm experiencing. This I don't talk much about for obvious reasons, I would be crucified and called an elitist and what not, I don't want to come off like that. as its not that I would be full of myself or something... I just find very few relatable trans women out there and they almost all are like I am.
Then there's the physical side of things. Have I told about my first puberty? When it started I got subtle female puberty first, of course it came along with some male stuff, but my hips widened, fat distribution changed to thighs, butt, hips, lower tummy. I grew little boobs. I didn't get facial hair but my voice did drop around 12-13 years old. Stuff down there started to function but didn't grow much at that point. I had zero facial hair and very little body hair, I grew much taller. Then the T dominance shut it all down later around 15 years old. I used to stink like chewbacca after a mudbath and I hated it. I absolutely hated it. Around these times I also learned what dysphoria is. I hated my body and I was ashamed because I looked so girly. Narrow shoulders, wide hips, lower body carrying most fat, nearly zero masculine traits... I was taught to be ashamed but in secret I loved my girly stuff a lot. Then later down the road T dominance wrecked nearly all of it, boobs flattened out and fat distribution became more male like. But still I didn't get masculine facial features. No brow rigde at all, soft round jawline, quite narrow chin, very little facial hair until mid twenties and I always looked younger than my years and very girly. Due to this and keeping my hair long, I was gendered as a girl all the time and I secretly loved every second of it.
Then around early mid twenties I started to have periods. No obvious blood, but cramps, PMS symptoms, bloating, just hurting all over and being pissed off. To the point that several of my then girlfriends noticed it and started to call it out from time to time joking about me having my period. But there's a thing about blood... I've experienced it many many times, dark orange pee and poop that's nearly pitch black. Which scared me to bits as both can be a symptom of bunch of severe illnesses. But I was never sick. It came and went, came and went. Around those times the phantom sensations started. I literally felt body parts which I'm not supposed to have. I felt ghost ovaries aching, cramping sensation where uterus should be. which feels like someone squeezing it and pulling it outward. Down there below digestive track, behind my bladder somewhere, on the right spot. I felt my breasts which didn't exist physically back then, I felt that I had a vagina as if closed up behing my male parts. It scared me, I never understood why this happens and how and I was confused but also euphoric because it felt so right. These sensations have come with me all my life since then, coming and going... I can't explain it, other than either I have body parts hidden inside, perhaps underdeveloped and hiding in there, maybe its my brain being wired female telling me that there are stuff down there and its just phantom impulses from the nerves that are normally attached to said parts. Phantom breasts are gone obviously as now they're physically present and I love it, the only phantom sensation about them is that they're not yet as big as what my brain has told me they should be.
Another thing to point out is my mind blowing success with HRT and NBE. For some reason my body responds amazingly well to hormone sorcery of all kinds. So many things work on me its amazing.... From EV injection to progesterone to Bovine Ovary to GABA to PM before all this and the list just goes on, not to mention Noogling and boosting prolactin to cause deliberate hyperprolactinemia. This is abnormal for someone my age. I was thirty seven when I started HRT little less than two years ago. Changes like what I'm experiencing are typically common for whom? For cis girls and trans girls who get to start out very early, possibly on blockers first and HRT before their twenties. I mean yea, there are +30 yo trans women who have gotten fantastic results, but I have never seen anyone have this much change in less than two years, not one, at all. Since the beginning I've been amazed how well I respond and my breasts just keep on growing and growing some more. Its not normal. Unless, maybe I have a physical condition very favourable for this to work and my body has just been waiting dormant for the right fuel to develop like it orginally wanted to?
Why does all this stuff happen if I'm "just" an ordinary transgender XY, physically male? This is rhetoric question obviously, brain is super powerful with all these things, we all know that, our brain is a magical device. But then again, I also have visible physical traits which match perfectly with Klinefelter XXY and bunch of other intersex variants. I'm almost convinced of this by now. I may pursue investigation into this once I've dealt with transition and getting AHDH diagnosis and I'm in better shape mentally to deal with it. But this is just a curiosity as it changes nothing, I am a woman who just happens to have rather unique anatomy which requires fixing and that's all there is to it. But getting answers would be really welcome.
Here's a list of things that make me strongly suspect being intersex. Actually I believe I am as its the only way to explain all this weirdness.
1. Partial female puberty.
2. Most of male puberty was late or non existent.
3. Waist to hips ratio of 0.7 naturally before HRT, this was very evident when I was quite slim, this is not a XY male ratio.(0.85 and higher.)
4. Hips slightly wider than shoulders. Again, not a XY male ratio.
5. Taller than almost all my family, taller than average (Finn average for men 5'11½", me before HRT 6'.)
6. Lack of masculine facial features.
7. Difficulty building muscle, same results took longer than what guys typically get.
8. Physically weak and clumsy.
9. I age slowly, look younger and very girly.
10. Little body hair.
11. Female fat distribution, I got lot of remarks and bullying for this when I was kid.
12. Socialise with women super easy, with men things are awkward.
13. Female though patterns, my mind is 100% feminine with so much.
14. Even after my voice dropping, still rather bright, my larynx is tiny.
15. Ghost sensations of ovaries, uterus, breasts, vagina, all girl parts felt to be present but not obviously physically there.
16. Obvious strong monthly cycle, some times with blood in urine and poop.
17. Respond extremely well to HRT and other treatments.
18. Gender confusion since about age 4-6, no cis boys of that age ask such big question about who/what I am and feel there's been a mistake for being in a body of a boy.
19. I never went bald unlike most of my family men did at this age.
20. I look exactly like women in my family, but almost nothing like the men.
21. Slim girly wrists and ankles, small hands.
22. Tiny waist, at my slimmest I measured about 30" or 75cm
23. Infertilty. Despite seemingly functioning normally, no woman ever became pregnant with me despite endless chances with a whole lot of them. Same women easily got preganant later with others.
24. Testosterone dominance caused major problems with agression, mind fog, endless skin problems etc., horrendous body odour and so on, all which went away after starting HRT.
25. Slower learning with things requiring motor skills despite obvious creative talent in art and music.
26. One thing that doesn't fit Klinefelter XXY condition is that I never had much learning disabilities other than being badly distracted or bored due to ADHD. I know I have above average intelligence, not super smart or quick minded but not average or below.
27. Along with above average height, I have long legs. This is also typical for XXY.
28. Very feminine personality traits, non confrontational (This isn't very obvious online xD), kind, empathic, people pleaser. Rather quiet and shy unless with close friends.
There might be some minor things that I'm forgetting to mention... Well, obviously being transgender on top of all this is kinda telling isn't it? Its evident that my female side has always been the dominant one and I have sufferered immensly from bullying, being treated wrong, misgendering, using a male name for me, being forced into male role that I always failed to achieve despite insane efforts and overcompensation. There's just so much evidence telling that I'm more than just another XY trans woman, I have that brain wiring like all my sisters do, but the physical evidence is just too much to be a coincidence.
Reason why I want to talk about this and pour my heart out on it is that I need to make peace with myself. I've been soul searching a lot, internal work, finally understanding why I am the way I am. I find huge comfort in this, its nullifying my internalised transphobia too. Its giving me a justification and reason for being me. I am a woman who has unqiue anatomy, a development defect which is likely on a very fundamental level... As such it feels much more natural to transition and all I'm doing is just fixing natures error, I'm giving my body the oomph it needs to develop fully into what started when I was around twelve years old. I just got diverted on the way for some decades.
I'm attaching here some chilhood photos. One from my I think 11th birthday, another lying in bed cuddling my uncles lovely doggo who was a puppy back then, I think that picture is from around 1995 and third picture from a trip to Stockholm, that's from 1996 as that's when I got the grey short I have on. Just tell me, that's a normal XY boy child right? That's what they though. I think I'm so totally obvious. Its no wonder I got gendered a girl all the time. And finny thing a mother of a childhod friend of mine called me Lara since I was like four years old, I never corrected her as I liked it and now its my name.
I thought I would post about this in depth because this has been bothering me a lot lately. I think I've mentioned it on the sidelines before that I have strong suspicion of being intersex. having likely the classic Klinefelter XXY variant or a mosaic of some type. I have likely even posted a list of reasons why I suspect it before? That list was sort of incomplete and I thought I would write a new one with more details...
Aside from physical abnormalities, there are other reasons why I've looked into this. I don't feel that I belong with most of the trans women out there. I'm not a huge "scene butterfly" to begin with, that's why I rather post on a tiny fringe group like BN which is largely underground and a niche to a few. Mostly I want to be here to inspire and help out other trans ladies who are still in the closet and searching themselves. And of course my friends.
But I dunno, it just seems that I am... Different than most trans women. I've noticed a trend with those who I relate to. and who become good friends with me. They're almost solely traditional binary trans women, and somehow, they either have an intersex condition or have suspicion of such along with lot of physical and mental traits typical for intersex trans women. I feel they're my kin. There's some kind of deep soulside connection there, similar to how I feel about some cis ladies who have become close friends with me. A can of worms I'm not sure if I dare to open is how a lot of trans women behave and think like men do, how they're hypersexual, often all about looks, competition, beauty contest types. Shallow. Totally not like me and those close to me. There's a clear divide there, my friends are few and far between and its eerie how almost all of them share similar weirdness that I'm experiencing. This I don't talk much about for obvious reasons, I would be crucified and called an elitist and what not, I don't want to come off like that. as its not that I would be full of myself or something... I just find very few relatable trans women out there and they almost all are like I am.Then there's the physical side of things. Have I told about my first puberty? When it started I got subtle female puberty first, of course it came along with some male stuff, but my hips widened, fat distribution changed to thighs, butt, hips, lower tummy. I grew little boobs. I didn't get facial hair but my voice did drop around 12-13 years old. Stuff down there started to function but didn't grow much at that point. I had zero facial hair and very little body hair, I grew much taller. Then the T dominance shut it all down later around 15 years old. I used to stink like chewbacca after a mudbath and I hated it. I absolutely hated it. Around these times I also learned what dysphoria is. I hated my body and I was ashamed because I looked so girly. Narrow shoulders, wide hips, lower body carrying most fat, nearly zero masculine traits... I was taught to be ashamed but in secret I loved my girly stuff a lot. Then later down the road T dominance wrecked nearly all of it, boobs flattened out and fat distribution became more male like. But still I didn't get masculine facial features. No brow rigde at all, soft round jawline, quite narrow chin, very little facial hair until mid twenties and I always looked younger than my years and very girly. Due to this and keeping my hair long, I was gendered as a girl all the time and I secretly loved every second of it.
Then around early mid twenties I started to have periods. No obvious blood, but cramps, PMS symptoms, bloating, just hurting all over and being pissed off. To the point that several of my then girlfriends noticed it and started to call it out from time to time joking about me having my period. But there's a thing about blood... I've experienced it many many times, dark orange pee and poop that's nearly pitch black. Which scared me to bits as both can be a symptom of bunch of severe illnesses. But I was never sick. It came and went, came and went. Around those times the phantom sensations started. I literally felt body parts which I'm not supposed to have. I felt ghost ovaries aching, cramping sensation where uterus should be. which feels like someone squeezing it and pulling it outward. Down there below digestive track, behind my bladder somewhere, on the right spot. I felt my breasts which didn't exist physically back then, I felt that I had a vagina as if closed up behing my male parts. It scared me, I never understood why this happens and how and I was confused but also euphoric because it felt so right. These sensations have come with me all my life since then, coming and going... I can't explain it, other than either I have body parts hidden inside, perhaps underdeveloped and hiding in there, maybe its my brain being wired female telling me that there are stuff down there and its just phantom impulses from the nerves that are normally attached to said parts. Phantom breasts are gone obviously as now they're physically present and I love it, the only phantom sensation about them is that they're not yet as big as what my brain has told me they should be.
Another thing to point out is my mind blowing success with HRT and NBE. For some reason my body responds amazingly well to hormone sorcery of all kinds. So many things work on me its amazing.... From EV injection to progesterone to Bovine Ovary to GABA to PM before all this and the list just goes on, not to mention Noogling and boosting prolactin to cause deliberate hyperprolactinemia. This is abnormal for someone my age. I was thirty seven when I started HRT little less than two years ago. Changes like what I'm experiencing are typically common for whom? For cis girls and trans girls who get to start out very early, possibly on blockers first and HRT before their twenties. I mean yea, there are +30 yo trans women who have gotten fantastic results, but I have never seen anyone have this much change in less than two years, not one, at all. Since the beginning I've been amazed how well I respond and my breasts just keep on growing and growing some more. Its not normal. Unless, maybe I have a physical condition very favourable for this to work and my body has just been waiting dormant for the right fuel to develop like it orginally wanted to?
Why does all this stuff happen if I'm "just" an ordinary transgender XY, physically male? This is rhetoric question obviously, brain is super powerful with all these things, we all know that, our brain is a magical device. But then again, I also have visible physical traits which match perfectly with Klinefelter XXY and bunch of other intersex variants. I'm almost convinced of this by now. I may pursue investigation into this once I've dealt with transition and getting AHDH diagnosis and I'm in better shape mentally to deal with it. But this is just a curiosity as it changes nothing, I am a woman who just happens to have rather unique anatomy which requires fixing and that's all there is to it. But getting answers would be really welcome.
Here's a list of things that make me strongly suspect being intersex. Actually I believe I am as its the only way to explain all this weirdness.
1. Partial female puberty.
2. Most of male puberty was late or non existent.
3. Waist to hips ratio of 0.7 naturally before HRT, this was very evident when I was quite slim, this is not a XY male ratio.(0.85 and higher.)
4. Hips slightly wider than shoulders. Again, not a XY male ratio.
5. Taller than almost all my family, taller than average (Finn average for men 5'11½", me before HRT 6'.)
6. Lack of masculine facial features.
7. Difficulty building muscle, same results took longer than what guys typically get.
8. Physically weak and clumsy.
9. I age slowly, look younger and very girly.
10. Little body hair.
11. Female fat distribution, I got lot of remarks and bullying for this when I was kid.
12. Socialise with women super easy, with men things are awkward.
13. Female though patterns, my mind is 100% feminine with so much.
14. Even after my voice dropping, still rather bright, my larynx is tiny.
15. Ghost sensations of ovaries, uterus, breasts, vagina, all girl parts felt to be present but not obviously physically there.
16. Obvious strong monthly cycle, some times with blood in urine and poop.
17. Respond extremely well to HRT and other treatments.
18. Gender confusion since about age 4-6, no cis boys of that age ask such big question about who/what I am and feel there's been a mistake for being in a body of a boy.
19. I never went bald unlike most of my family men did at this age.
20. I look exactly like women in my family, but almost nothing like the men.
21. Slim girly wrists and ankles, small hands.
22. Tiny waist, at my slimmest I measured about 30" or 75cm
23. Infertilty. Despite seemingly functioning normally, no woman ever became pregnant with me despite endless chances with a whole lot of them. Same women easily got preganant later with others.
24. Testosterone dominance caused major problems with agression, mind fog, endless skin problems etc., horrendous body odour and so on, all which went away after starting HRT.
25. Slower learning with things requiring motor skills despite obvious creative talent in art and music.
26. One thing that doesn't fit Klinefelter XXY condition is that I never had much learning disabilities other than being badly distracted or bored due to ADHD. I know I have above average intelligence, not super smart or quick minded but not average or below.
27. Along with above average height, I have long legs. This is also typical for XXY.
28. Very feminine personality traits, non confrontational (This isn't very obvious online xD), kind, empathic, people pleaser. Rather quiet and shy unless with close friends.
There might be some minor things that I'm forgetting to mention... Well, obviously being transgender on top of all this is kinda telling isn't it? Its evident that my female side has always been the dominant one and I have sufferered immensly from bullying, being treated wrong, misgendering, using a male name for me, being forced into male role that I always failed to achieve despite insane efforts and overcompensation. There's just so much evidence telling that I'm more than just another XY trans woman, I have that brain wiring like all my sisters do, but the physical evidence is just too much to be a coincidence.
Reason why I want to talk about this and pour my heart out on it is that I need to make peace with myself. I've been soul searching a lot, internal work, finally understanding why I am the way I am. I find huge comfort in this, its nullifying my internalised transphobia too. Its giving me a justification and reason for being me. I am a woman who has unqiue anatomy, a development defect which is likely on a very fundamental level... As such it feels much more natural to transition and all I'm doing is just fixing natures error, I'm giving my body the oomph it needs to develop fully into what started when I was around twelve years old. I just got diverted on the way for some decades.
I'm attaching here some chilhood photos. One from my I think 11th birthday, another lying in bed cuddling my uncles lovely doggo who was a puppy back then, I think that picture is from around 1995 and third picture from a trip to Stockholm, that's from 1996 as that's when I got the grey short I have on. Just tell me, that's a normal XY boy child right? That's what they though. I think I'm so totally obvious. Its no wonder I got gendered a girl all the time. And finny thing a mother of a childhod friend of mine called me Lara since I was like four years old, I never corrected her as I liked it and now its my name.