21-11-2022, 09:58 PM
(21-11-2022, 08:38 PM)Lolly Wrote: So sorry to read about your difficulties. It does me make realise I’m just playing at this modification idea but for you it is a fundamental quest.That's a kind of philosophy I try to live by too... Knowing that everything is temporary, life itself is along with everything else. And the only certain thing is change. Its soothing because nothing stays the same forever.
I have had severe depression too in the past and I know just how that part of your situation feels. I think the only thing I would say to myself if I could go back and advise myself is that it may feel like you’re stuck with these feelings but in reality your situation will change in time. Some things will be resolved, some things you may have to just let go and other things will change but as sure as anything you will feel different. You have to look after yourself in the meantime and trust that time will carry you on to a different place.
Be peaceful.
(I couldn’t wake the bees up under all this snow so they don’t get their RJ back!)
Also I have had one even worse depression episode back in the day, from getting back home from civil service, from September 2008 to around December 2009. That was so bad, I was without sense of purpose, outside music, gaming and drinking I really had not much anything. I became also badly suicidal to the point of self harm from which I still carry the scars from. My arms are extremely ugly because of it and one very close call with planned suicide attempt. Also before my transition that was the only time in my life that I suffered from massive anxiety and panic attacks. What I have now is not as bad. This time I'm actually asking for help and talking about it rather than hurting myself and almost end up killing myself.
I have so much to live for. More than to die for... Its just really hard to deal with years and years of trauma which I have never before processed at all. A lot of this has to do with my dysphoria. Its been there just under the surface all my life and think about this, I pulled up a big show of a man who I never truly was. I have been misgendered and mistreated for decades because people thought I'm a guy. I'm a woman who was under cover for a long time, that alone will leave massive mental scars. The positive side is that I'm dealing with all this now, finally. Transition has just been much more challenging than I ever thought it was. The way I gave away ton of privilege and ease in life has taken me by surprise. Also the lack of social life hurts me a lot. But I'm getting there... There's no other way. Once I'm done with the trans clinic, then I'm free to find help for the depression too.
And yes, unlike a lot of boob enthusiasts here, for me this is about everything, my entire life depends on how it all goes. My boob enthusiasm hasn't changed though. On my latest measuring, I got amazing results and it appears that I'm in a massive growth spurt right now. More on this later once I get more data collected.