[HelloDiDi]

Thank you all for nice comments. <3 I wasn't even going to update just yet, but I got so excited verifying with photos that I'm not seeing things in my mind. My body image is so messed up, I think others see the changes far better than I do.

As the previous boob pic was a "boring" one to make a decent comparison, here's another I took three days back. Yesterday I just had to do a similar verification about my butt... xD lol. I've noted yet more jiggle while walking, just feeling like my backside's gotten bigger and snapped some photos. I don't think I'm dreaming this one either.

Lot of this I can attribute to weight gain, but its clear now that hormone balance sure dictates where it settles. Most is going to thights, hips and butt, specially the latter. This is a trait I've always had, but now its so pronounced. If this keeps on going, I'm gonna become pear shaped. Unless my breasts catch up with it which I really wish they do.

Ok, enough picture spamming for now, I'm still 18 days away of hitting eleven month mark so next picture update comes on around April 14th.

EDIT:
Bra sizing is so weird. I just got a new one, this is the first perfect fit I've ever had so far with NOTHING to complain about. Its Elomi Cate full cup bra at 90 F, or 40 DDD/F in US sizing and its perfect! The cups are unpadded, soft giving material so these can house more boobage than I have at the moment. Side support is amazing, band is narrow from the back but widens on the sides and its something not very elastic so its sturdy. Wearing now on the most loose setting and its really comfy. Underwires have perfect shape and size, they go easily far enough without being too far out. Cup depth is spot on. This one had excellent reviews and I just confirmed all that was said, 50€ well spent. I'm definitely going to buy another one of these in a bigger size once I have the money to burn. I'm wondering if I should get another in G or H cup... A goal bra for sure, F cup is going to fit for quite some time as its so giving material. Soft comfy cups with heck of a good support, I love it. If a perfect bra exists for me, its this one.

[HelloDiDi]

Day 316

I was supposed to measure yesterday, I did not as it was another shitty rough dysphoric painful day... Today doesn't feel much better. I've been awake for two hours and I'm already crying my eyes out. I forced myself to grab the tape and do the measuring so I wont fuck up my diary too badly. Doing it once every fifteen days seems to be good for seeing change without it being the most disheartening thing ever.

This is what I got, bust/band/waist/hips.
134cm 52,7" +1cm / 101cm 39,7" / 98cm 38,6" / 129cm 50,7" +0,5cm

Bust volume went from 1468cc's to 1517cc's, that's +49 in two weeks. Hooray.

So yea, bust and hips got bigger. I've gained some on midsection as I've gained weight overall. I hate it. My waist is so slim under all that fat, but its done a magic trick of disappearing. Expected as I'm on gaining cycle, but I still hate it, its making me dysphoric. As if I don't hate my body enough already... I hate my shape, my bust to band difference is fucking 13", if the old school way would work on me, this would mean insanely bigger bras, but it doesn't. Calculators fail on this too. My back and boobs are shaped in so stupid way that the numbers are liars. I fill 90 F nicely, that's it, by the numbers it should be so much more but it isn't. I hate the wide root shallow boobs I got. I have to grow insanely a lot for them to ever look the way I wish them to. And I should be happy, last less than a year has been phenomenal change with a pace that I never expected and yet I feel like a complete failure. And yea, I'm having a growth spurt going on obviously... Yet it feels its not enough.

My life has been a total mess for last weeks. It feels like everything I have is collapsing around me. My dog is sick, he's only seven yers old but he's having old dogs problems. He has broken ligament on both knees of his hind legs and some of the same issue on front legs too. He can't walk on his own. I was already preparing to euthanize him to let him off his suffering but a childhood friend came in and promised to pay a 1500€ surgery to fix his legs, bless her kindness, I've never known a rich person with a heart before. Its heart breaking to see my dog like that, he needs help every time he needs to go out, I'm home bound for weeks to come until he's strong enough to walk on his own again. I'm broke, somehow I had missed an electricity bill which I have to soon pay and that's extra strain on my already stretched thin "finances" which is absolute joke. I'm one mishap away from being bankrupt and not being able to pay my bills. I'm now worried if we will have enough food next month. My dysphoria and obvious dysmorphia are going worse rather than getting better, I can't even see my body as it is, others see me far better... Its painful, I feel inferior all the time, a failure, disgusting and ugly. Trans clinic is letting me wait again, next meeting in early July. I thought I would get it in May.... At least I know what to wait for. I finally got three months sick leave which is taking at least some stress away. I'm not fit to work, I'm not fit for anything right now. I'm tiny tiny little bit away form giving up on life, giving up on everything. I'm depressed, tired and exhausted from everything.

I thought transitioning would make me happier and my life better, but it feels like its ripping open old wounds, making my wrongly developed body glaringly obvious for how fucked up beyond belief it is. This was supposed to cure me, not break me. But I guess this is just part of the process, nothing new is born until the old first dies. This must be a dark night of the soul, cold before the dawn. If its not, then its just personal hell and I don't want to exist any more.

I hope next time I will have a nicer things to post about.

[HelloDiDi]

Day 330

Hooray! I hit eleven months on HRT today.

Last month has been more the same old same old... Extremely rough dysphoria episodes and some absolutely blissful happy days, my usual roller coaster. I've been having some extra stress with running out of money and my dog being sick, at least he had his surgery and is now healing, still not walking much on his own without help.

Then on body changes, during the last fifteen days I've got more bust and hips once again and it seems that the pace of changes might be going up rather than slowing down. I've been that fifteen days off cypro which hasn't yet shown any difference what so ever which is good as I want to get rid of that stuff. No synthetic drugs for me if I can avoid them. My experiment with BO + uterine and pituitary supplements seems to be working well, I haven't had this kind of growth spurt for a while and my breasts have been quite sore to the touch. Most growth pains since starting HRT. I made a prediction that by breast volume, I might reach G cup in few months, but now it seems I might make there much earlier unless growth slows down... Thankfully the bra I bought has nicely big cups so I wont outgrow it too soon.

I got a big surprise when I stepped on a scale yesterday, I knew that I've been gaining a lot of weight but I never expected this. Year and half ago, I was over 40lbs/20kg lighter. December last year I was at 235lbs/107kg and yesterday whopping 257lbs/117kg. I have been this heavy only once in my life.... Its all good as I planned to do weight cycling and possibly in quite extreme manner, I love the new curves and softness I have, being active and hiking for some reason doesn't feel cumbersome at all which is kinda weird. I used to start to get the heavy feeling when ever I went over 240lbs/110kg, but this new female weight distribution I guess works in a different way.

I didn't plan to gain this much weight or have it happen so fast. My only gripe is that my waist has pretty much disappeared below all new fat I got, otherwise I absolutely adore my body like this. I don't mind gaining some more either, but not on the expense of my health as I want to stay active and fit enough to do whole bunch of stuff. Other than that, I don't mind it. The only issue is when I need to slim down for GCS due to the BMI limit, it already means I have to drop off forty pounds or twenty kilos, that's quite a lot and I don't know how much slower it is now that I'm on HRT. I guess its lucky that my GCS wont be booked in about two years or so, I got plenty of time to do several weight cycles and still have time to slim down for it.

Here's two new photos. I really love the shape I'm getting, if I can manage to pull this off but loose some from my waist, that would be dreamy.

[HelloDiDi]

I promised myself I would not post boob pictures before I hit one year mark, but these came out so nice I just have to show you guys and girls what's going on. On the previous post I vaguely mentioned that by volume, I'm closing to 40 G / 38 H cup, its really not far off, I tried the H cup bra on the other day and all I'm missing from filling it is a bit more depth, then some more to totally fill it out and it'll look amazing. Its been perfect fit with cup width since I got it, but soon I will fill it in depth too if this pace keeps on going.



Another thing to point out is that I'm going deep into Tanner stage 4, the outwards growth is still continuing, still no side branching which is what I wish to happen right now. Remember how I used to cry so much about missing projection, well my breasts have decided to do exactly that and project a lot. It appears that progesterone has been hugely helpful with this as there's a clear correlation with pictures, measurements and time on it. I did a short test doing 200mg per day and it felt amazingly good, bit more mood swings but it felt my body was more "right" than it has ever been. So I'm planning to start stocking up on 200mg pills if I can and go on higher dose when the 100mg pills run out. I'm still stocked for almost four months.

I'm happy about this. <3 I dunno if its silly how much joy these soft jiggly thingies give to me, its a sparkle of joy in rough times. Next time I'll update, I will make updated list of stuff I've been on. What and how for who ever is interested in details. ^_^

[Unknowntraveller89]

Damn girl, your breasts look amazing along with the nipples. Quite an achivement to be bordering on G cup territory thats growth most can only dream of. " alt="" title="">

When you say your going off synthetic hormones are you dropping pharmaceutical hormones completly or you supplementing them with the BO? 

[HelloDiDi]

Damn girl, your breasts look amazing along with the nipples. Quite an achivement to be bordering on G cup territory thats growth most can only dream of.  

When you say your going off synthetic hormones are you dropping pharmaceutical hormones completly or you supplementing them with the BO?

Thanks. <3 Its amazing what some genetic luck and bunch of breast growth alchemy can do. I've just picked up stuff and run with it.

I came off of cyproterone acetate, often sold as Androcur, its a testosterone blocker that is also a progestin, afaik originally used to treat prostate cancer and later expanded to be used as a T blocker for trans women too. Its very potent stuff, minimal dose is usually enough to suppress T completely, but its also somewhat dangerous. Higher doses come with a risk of developing prolactinomas, those are (benign?) brain tumors that excrete prolactin. And it has a whole list of side effects which include worsening depression symptoms of even causing it to some people. I tend to avoid all synthetic drugs when ever possible, rather go with natural stuff and bio identical ones. Just common sense and staying healthy really, and I wanted to play cypro out so that there's not several different things that binds to progesterone receptors at the same time.

So far it seems to work well, my logic was that I'm on bovine ovary now which is said to have progestin like effects and that it makes aromatase go on high gear, converting testosterone to estrogens... So I figured that + being on EV injection and progesterone is more than enough of T suppression. It seems I was correct as I'm feeling fine and my body changes have not slowed down but rather sped up.

Oh yea, there's one more change I forgot to mention on my earlier posts. I'm now 32 days on highly reduced smoking. Some days ago I ran out of nicotine gum, I didn't buy more and I'm still smoking only 2-3 cigarettes a day so my nicotine levels just got dramatically reduced again. This has had so obvious effect on my breasts! a big growth spurt took off right away and I think its getting better. By this pace, I might be completely clean of smoking within a month. But I'm being merciful on myself and easing my way out of it, if I can't quit in few weeks, my plan is to be done with smoking by the end of summer. After twenty four years of almost continuous smoking, this is a huge victory. I want to love my body rather than destroy it. <3

[Unknowntraveller89]

Damn girl, your breasts look amazing along with the nipples. Quite an achivement to be bordering on G cup territory thats growth most can only dream of.  

When you say your going off synthetic hormones are you dropping pharmaceutical hormones completly or you supplementing them with the BO?

Thanks. <3 Its amazing what some genetic luck and bunch of breast growth alchemy can do. I've just picked up stuff and run with it. " alt="" title="">

I came off of cyproterone acetate, often sold as Androcur, its a testosterone blocker that is also a progestin, afaik originally used to treat prostate cancer and later expanded to be used as a T blocker for trans women too. Its very potent stuff, minimal dose is usually enough to suppress T completely, but its also somewhat dangerous. Higher doses come with a risk of developing prolactinomas, those are (benign?) brain tumors that excrete prolactin. And it has a whole list of side effects which include worsening depression symptoms of even causing it to some people. I tend to avoid all synthetic drugs when ever possible, rather go with natural stuff and bio identical ones. Just common sense and staying healthy really, and I wanted to play cypro out so that there's not several different things that binds to progesterone receptors at the same time.

So far it seems to work well, my logic was that I'm on bovine ovary now which is said to have progestin like effects and that it makes aromatase go on high gear, converting testosterone to estrogens... So I figured that + being on EV injection and progesterone is more than enough of T suppression. It seems I was correct as I'm feeling fine and my body changes have not slowed down but rather sped up.

Oh yea, there's one more change I forgot to mention on my earlier posts. I'm now 32 days on highly reduced smoking. Some days ago I ran out of nicotine gum, I didn't buy more and I'm still smoking only 2-3 cigarettes a day so my nicotine levels just got dramatically reduced again. This has had so obvious effect on my breasts! a big growth spurt took off right away and I think its getting better. By this pace, I might be completely clean of smoking within a month. But I'm being merciful on myself and easing my way out of it, if I can't quit in few weeks, my plan is to be done with smoking by the end of summer. After twenty four years of almost continuous smoking, this is a huge victory. I want to love my body rather than destroy it. <3

Makes sense on the cypro front so effectivly your going mono therapy, which if youve got enough E in your system theroitycally you won't need cypro or any other T blocker and the BO will help in that regard.

Also grats on the smoking front.

[Drew]

Damn girl, your breasts look amazing along with the nipples. Quite an achivement to be bordering on G cup territory thats growth most can only dream of.  

When you say your going off synthetic hormones are you dropping pharmaceutical hormones completly or you supplementing them with the BO?

Thanks. <3 Its amazing what some genetic luck and bunch of breast growth alchemy can do. I've just picked up stuff and run with it. " alt="" title="">

I came off of cyproterone acetate, often sold as Androcur, its a testosterone blocker that is also a progestin, afaik originally used to treat prostate cancer and later expanded to be used as a T blocker for trans women too. Its very potent stuff, minimal dose is usually enough to suppress T completely, but its also somewhat dangerous. Higher doses come with a risk of developing prolactinomas, those are (benign?) brain tumors that excrete prolactin. And it has a whole list of side effects which include worsening depression symptoms of even causing it to some people. I tend to avoid all synthetic drugs when ever possible, rather go with natural stuff and bio identical ones. Just common sense and staying healthy really, and I wanted to play cypro out so that there's not several different things that binds to progesterone receptors at the same time.

So far it seems to work well, my logic was that I'm on bovine ovary now which is said to have progestin like effects and that it makes aromatase go on high gear, converting testosterone to estrogens... So I figured that + being on EV injection and progesterone is more than enough of T suppression. It seems I was correct as I'm feeling fine and my body changes have not slowed down but rather sped up.

Oh yea, there's one more change I forgot to mention on my earlier posts. I'm now 32 days on highly reduced smoking. Some days ago I ran out of nicotine gum, I didn't buy more and I'm still smoking only 2-3 cigarettes a day so my nicotine levels just got dramatically reduced again. This has had so obvious effect on my breasts! a big growth spurt took off right away and I think its getting better. By this pace, I might be completely clean of smoking within a month. But I'm being merciful on myself and easing my way out of it, if I can't quit in few weeks, my plan is to be done with smoking by the end of summer. After twenty four years of almost continuous smoking, this is a huge victory. I want to love my body rather than destroy it. <3

Makes sense on the cypro front so effectivly your going mono therapy, which if youve got enough E in your system theroitycally you won't need cypro or any other T blocker and the BO will help in that regard.

Also grats on the smoking front.

I'm probably going to get banned for this but don't care 'fuck off DIDi '.
First I'm really sorry about your dog, truly I am. I don't like people very much but have never met a dog, even military attack dog who I couldn't bond with. They are true, loyal, honest, trustworthy and lovable and will never let you down or abandon you which is more than I can say for humans. So yes am very sympathetic in that sense. BUT! You don't have cancer, Russians aren't bombing you or shooting at you; you have all your fucking limbs so stop fucking whinng!!!
None of us are satisfied with our bodies, NONE  OF US, male or female. Face the facts and be grateful for what you have and strive to improve but not get suicidal if it doesn't work out the way you planned.Sorry I live in an ...well not normal environment work wise and am very unsympathetic to people's feelings, have been hardened no matter how feminine I may sometimes feel. Didi I'm not attacking, critique probably? Just relax, lay back, be grateful and just don't put too much thought or effort into it.
It's not a competition its personal achievment for you and you only. This bit of my body is bad...that's so depressing. Bollocks!!!!

[Drew]

I think I came on a bit too strong there i did tell you to fuck off.
There are way, way too many people who are willing and very eager to criticise that we have no need to do that to ourselves, others take care of that for us.
However a waste of time writing that as we will always be our own worst critic, just deal with it and live with it. I hate myself, I hate my body, I feel inadequate; I feel ugly,  very; very ugly my body is a fucking  joke . BUT there are a lot who are worse off and I'm alive and healthy-ish.

[HelloDiDi]

I'm probably going to get banned for this but don't care 'fuck off DIDi '.
First I'm really sorry about your dog, truly I am. I don't like people very much but have never met a dog, even military attack dog who I couldn't bond with. They are true, loyal, honest, trustworthy and lovable and will never let you down or abandon you which is more than I can say for humans. So yes am very sympathetic in that sense. BUT! You don't have cancer, Russians aren't bombing you or shooting at you; you have all your fucking limbs so stop fucking whinng!!!
None of us are satisfied with our bodies, NONE  OF US, male or female. Face the facts and be grateful for what you have and strive to improve but not get suicidal if it doesn't work out the way you planned.Sorry I live in an ...well not normal environment work wise and am very unsympathetic to people's feelings, have been hardened no matter how feminine I may sometimes feel. Didi I'm not attacking, critique probably? Just relax, lay back, be grateful and just don't put too much thought or effort into it.
It's not a competition its personal achievment for you and you only. This bit of my body is bad...that's so depressing. Bollocks!!!!

That's not really nice way to come say hello and long time no see.

Why would my depressive episodes, trauma, dysphoria and troubles be so not worth it? Quit whining? Are my troubles somehow not valid because you say so? Darn good my troubles are so insignificant that I'm not even supposed to talk about them... This is kind of attitude I really don't like one bit! If the entire world isn't collapsing, I'm not allowed to feel bad and vent about it? I see this lack of empathy in Finns all the time. Its either shut the fuck up and bite your lip, or that they remind like hey, things could be lot worse so you're not allowed to complain.

When I have a shitty day, I fucking vent about it and I don't care if you like it or not, my troubles may be insignificant, but they're valid. My emotional distress and mental breakdowns and tears are valid. Anyone on a forum like this get a tiny little scratch on the surface as the only communication is by text. It wont reveal all and tell all. So its kinda bad taste to judge everything by few forum posts alone.

And also, regardless of all awesome things that have happened during the last year or so, I'm very troubled and I have issues I have to deal with. Please don't downplay my problems even if it looks like dumb naive whining. Heck I'm a teenage girl fixing a 38 year old body that developed wrong, of course I'm whiny teary cringe fest some times.