30-04-2022, 09:45 AM
Day 316
I was supposed to measure yesterday, I did not as it was another shitty rough dysphoric painful day... Today doesn't feel much better. I've been awake for two hours and I'm already crying my eyes out. I forced myself to grab the tape and do the measuring so I wont fuck up my diary too badly. Doing it once every fifteen days seems to be good for seeing change without it being the most disheartening thing ever.
This is what I got, bust/band/waist/hips.
134cm 52,7" +1cm / 101cm 39,7" / 98cm 38,6" / 129cm 50,7" +0,5cm
Bust volume went from 1468cc's to 1517cc's, that's +49 in two weeks. Hooray.
So yea, bust and hips got bigger. I've gained some on midsection as I've gained weight overall. I hate it. My waist is so slim under all that fat, but its done a magic trick of disappearing. Expected as I'm on gaining cycle, but I still hate it, its making me dysphoric. As if I don't hate my body enough already... I hate my shape, my bust to band difference is fucking 13", if the old school way would work on me, this would mean insanely bigger bras, but it doesn't. Calculators fail on this too. My back and boobs are shaped in so stupid way that the numbers are liars. I fill 90 F nicely, that's it, by the numbers it should be so much more but it isn't. I hate the wide root shallow boobs I got. I have to grow insanely a lot for them to ever look the way I wish them to. And I should be happy, last less than a year has been phenomenal change with a pace that I never expected and yet I feel like a complete failure. And yea, I'm having a growth spurt going on obviously... Yet it feels its not enough.
My life has been a total mess for last weeks. It feels like everything I have is collapsing around me. My dog is sick, he's only seven yers old but he's having old dogs problems. He has broken ligament on both knees of his hind legs and some of the same issue on front legs too. He can't walk on his own. I was already preparing to euthanize him to let him off his suffering but a childhood friend came in and promised to pay a 1500€ surgery to fix his legs, bless her kindness, I've never known a rich person with a heart before. Its heart breaking to see my dog like that, he needs help every time he needs to go out, I'm home bound for weeks to come until he's strong enough to walk on his own again. I'm broke, somehow I had missed an electricity bill which I have to soon pay and that's extra strain on my already stretched thin "finances" which is absolute joke. I'm one mishap away from being bankrupt and not being able to pay my bills. I'm now worried if we will have enough food next month. My dysphoria and obvious dysmorphia are going worse rather than getting better, I can't even see my body as it is, others see me far better... Its painful, I feel inferior all the time, a failure, disgusting and ugly. Trans clinic is letting me wait again, next meeting in early July. I thought I would get it in May.... At least I know what to wait for. I finally got three months sick leave which is taking at least some stress away. I'm not fit to work, I'm not fit for anything right now. I'm tiny tiny little bit away form giving up on life, giving up on everything. I'm depressed, tired and exhausted from everything.
I thought transitioning would make me happier and my life better, but it feels like its ripping open old wounds, making my wrongly developed body glaringly obvious for how fucked up beyond belief it is. This was supposed to cure me, not break me. But I guess this is just part of the process, nothing new is born until the old first dies. This must be a dark night of the soul, cold before the dawn. If its not, then its just personal hell and I don't want to exist any more.
I hope next time I will have a nicer things to post about.
I was supposed to measure yesterday, I did not as it was another shitty rough dysphoric painful day... Today doesn't feel much better. I've been awake for two hours and I'm already crying my eyes out. I forced myself to grab the tape and do the measuring so I wont fuck up my diary too badly. Doing it once every fifteen days seems to be good for seeing change without it being the most disheartening thing ever.
This is what I got, bust/band/waist/hips.
134cm 52,7" +1cm / 101cm 39,7" / 98cm 38,6" / 129cm 50,7" +0,5cm
Bust volume went from 1468cc's to 1517cc's, that's +49 in two weeks. Hooray.
So yea, bust and hips got bigger. I've gained some on midsection as I've gained weight overall. I hate it. My waist is so slim under all that fat, but its done a magic trick of disappearing. Expected as I'm on gaining cycle, but I still hate it, its making me dysphoric. As if I don't hate my body enough already... I hate my shape, my bust to band difference is fucking 13", if the old school way would work on me, this would mean insanely bigger bras, but it doesn't. Calculators fail on this too. My back and boobs are shaped in so stupid way that the numbers are liars. I fill 90 F nicely, that's it, by the numbers it should be so much more but it isn't. I hate the wide root shallow boobs I got. I have to grow insanely a lot for them to ever look the way I wish them to. And I should be happy, last less than a year has been phenomenal change with a pace that I never expected and yet I feel like a complete failure. And yea, I'm having a growth spurt going on obviously... Yet it feels its not enough.
My life has been a total mess for last weeks. It feels like everything I have is collapsing around me. My dog is sick, he's only seven yers old but he's having old dogs problems. He has broken ligament on both knees of his hind legs and some of the same issue on front legs too. He can't walk on his own. I was already preparing to euthanize him to let him off his suffering but a childhood friend came in and promised to pay a 1500€ surgery to fix his legs, bless her kindness, I've never known a rich person with a heart before. Its heart breaking to see my dog like that, he needs help every time he needs to go out, I'm home bound for weeks to come until he's strong enough to walk on his own again. I'm broke, somehow I had missed an electricity bill which I have to soon pay and that's extra strain on my already stretched thin "finances" which is absolute joke. I'm one mishap away from being bankrupt and not being able to pay my bills. I'm now worried if we will have enough food next month. My dysphoria and obvious dysmorphia are going worse rather than getting better, I can't even see my body as it is, others see me far better... Its painful, I feel inferior all the time, a failure, disgusting and ugly. Trans clinic is letting me wait again, next meeting in early July. I thought I would get it in May.... At least I know what to wait for. I finally got three months sick leave which is taking at least some stress away. I'm not fit to work, I'm not fit for anything right now. I'm tiny tiny little bit away form giving up on life, giving up on everything. I'm depressed, tired and exhausted from everything.
I thought transitioning would make me happier and my life better, but it feels like its ripping open old wounds, making my wrongly developed body glaringly obvious for how fucked up beyond belief it is. This was supposed to cure me, not break me. But I guess this is just part of the process, nothing new is born until the old first dies. This must be a dark night of the soul, cold before the dawn. If its not, then its just personal hell and I don't want to exist any more.
I hope next time I will have a nicer things to post about.