26-01-2022, 12:14 PM
I never thought I would get bullied for my looks again. I faced it all the time when I was kid. I was bullied from age seven to sixteen almost without breaks, every year in school was absolute nightmare. Those kids who saw it fit to lash out on others as if its entertainment, their disgusting behavior left me with probably life long mental scars which are yet to even heal and that was long time ago.
They picked everything apart, I was bullied for my long hair which was so thick and pretty back then, much better than what it is now. My mother used to say it often while brushing it that many girls would envy me for it. Kinda ironic as I am a girl. I guess she was right. I was bullied for being fat, so they said, but I was chubby which seems to be what I still default into, to this day... I was bullied for being big. Funnily enough, there were other kids who were way bigger and chubbier than I was, but I guess I make such a good target for being so delicate and kind. They bullied me for "being a girl". That was literally what they said, in hindsight its awesome, even those bullies knew what was going on. I was gendered as a girl all the time when I was kid. Its no wonder when I look at old pictures, on my class pics, I don't stand out from the crowd, I look nothing like the boys did. If I didn't tell which one I was, people who don't know can't pick me out, they just see one of the girls there, the only one who's wearing a Megadeth shirt. I was indoctrinated to think that I'm big, fat, ugly, no good for anything. How stupid it was that I started to believe them? This resulted, along with my first puberty, into extreme self hatred, envy and bitterness about life and to me having awfully twisted body image. I became depressed as my self loathing went to such extent it competes with Darth Vader. (I guess I could have made a good Sith Lord in SW universe. xD lol.)
All this same shit that has been thrown on my face in the last two days here, this is exactly the same kind of hateful mumbo jumbo I had to listen to every day when I was kid. And I know its all lies and bullshit! The reason why it hurts is not about giving me a punch about my body, its because it rips open all decades old wounds and send me back in time to when it felt like I live in Hell and the only way out is death. I genuinely believed so, until at about fourteen to fifteen years old, I started to make friends, and girlfriends, both romantic and platonic. Some of them read me as female without anyone ever saying a word about it and I got treated right. I had friends and started to feel somewhat happy and even a bit confident that hey, I'm not a horrible ugly big fat pig, I'm a human being and I'm worthy of being loved too, not only bullied and beaten up. Around the same time I learned to stand my ground and punch the fuckers back because that was the only thing they obeyed. Unfortunately these qualities never leave some pathetic people who get off of hurting others...
I'm not sure how wise it is to open up so much, my naive openness leaves me vulnerable to cynical loser bitches and bullies. But it also brings in the right friends. I've been beaten up verbally and physically enough many times, I don't think I deserve any more bullshit from anybody. Specially as a thank you for my kindness. I'm like a really nice golden retriever, I'm kind and smile all the time, but I bite hard as hell if I'm driven to a corner and hit with a stick enough many times.
Jedem das seine.
They picked everything apart, I was bullied for my long hair which was so thick and pretty back then, much better than what it is now. My mother used to say it often while brushing it that many girls would envy me for it. Kinda ironic as I am a girl. I guess she was right. I was bullied for being fat, so they said, but I was chubby which seems to be what I still default into, to this day... I was bullied for being big. Funnily enough, there were other kids who were way bigger and chubbier than I was, but I guess I make such a good target for being so delicate and kind. They bullied me for "being a girl". That was literally what they said, in hindsight its awesome, even those bullies knew what was going on. I was gendered as a girl all the time when I was kid. Its no wonder when I look at old pictures, on my class pics, I don't stand out from the crowd, I look nothing like the boys did. If I didn't tell which one I was, people who don't know can't pick me out, they just see one of the girls there, the only one who's wearing a Megadeth shirt. I was indoctrinated to think that I'm big, fat, ugly, no good for anything. How stupid it was that I started to believe them? This resulted, along with my first puberty, into extreme self hatred, envy and bitterness about life and to me having awfully twisted body image. I became depressed as my self loathing went to such extent it competes with Darth Vader. (I guess I could have made a good Sith Lord in SW universe. xD lol.)
All this same shit that has been thrown on my face in the last two days here, this is exactly the same kind of hateful mumbo jumbo I had to listen to every day when I was kid. And I know its all lies and bullshit! The reason why it hurts is not about giving me a punch about my body, its because it rips open all decades old wounds and send me back in time to when it felt like I live in Hell and the only way out is death. I genuinely believed so, until at about fourteen to fifteen years old, I started to make friends, and girlfriends, both romantic and platonic. Some of them read me as female without anyone ever saying a word about it and I got treated right. I had friends and started to feel somewhat happy and even a bit confident that hey, I'm not a horrible ugly big fat pig, I'm a human being and I'm worthy of being loved too, not only bullied and beaten up. Around the same time I learned to stand my ground and punch the fuckers back because that was the only thing they obeyed. Unfortunately these qualities never leave some pathetic people who get off of hurting others...
I'm not sure how wise it is to open up so much, my naive openness leaves me vulnerable to cynical loser bitches and bullies. But it also brings in the right friends. I've been beaten up verbally and physically enough many times, I don't think I deserve any more bullshit from anybody. Specially as a thank you for my kindness. I'm like a really nice golden retriever, I'm kind and smile all the time, but I bite hard as hell if I'm driven to a corner and hit with a stick enough many times.
Jedem das seine.