[HelloDiDi]

Hold on DiDi, since when did this become a poularity contest?. She who has the bigest, bounciest most round tits wins.... what exactly?. We are here to tell our experiences, seek help, and encourage one another. Writing here helps you get things out of your system, and others to understand they are not the only ones with these issues. Are we special ?, I'm afraid we are not, we're not the first ones through this, we won't be the last ones either. Do each of us have a unique story and path through NBE/Transition/Woman-ism/Whatever you want to call it?. Absolutely!. Are our stories worth telling? Absolutely!. Do we only care about how big your tits got this week? Hell no!. If you want to take a break that's great, but please don't do it because you think no one cares unless you post a new boobie pic, your experience as a transgender and your feelings are far far more valuable.

Hey Sonya. <3

I'm not talking about BN on its own, my distress is more making of FB and Reddit than BN forum.... Its just a saturation point of everything. I'm mentally extremely tired. My body dysmorphia / gender dysphoria have hit such fever pitch I must distance myself a bit.

I've had several really shitty things happen one after another lately and it all just adds up. I'm exhausted. Things outside my control have gone wrong. This has not helped with my mental issues of course which I have to address somehow. I don't want to end up becoming a statistic.

Having good time with my cousin right now, her company is really helpful actually. Keeps me away from the online stuff most of the day. Trans clinic doctor today afternoon. I hope it goes well.


EDIT:
I see my appointment has been changed from a face to face meeting into a Teams call on the last minute... Good I guess, it saves me the trouble from looking up the place. (I haven't ever visited in that hospital before and lot of Helsinki is quite unknown for me outside the city center. I've been talking with Lotus again, some very affirming things. And some very interesting stuff about breast growth and HRT etc.

ime off most social media is really called for. I've been here for two days, most of the time having something better to do than sink my mind in the dysphoria swamp... Its helpful.

My cousin has been more than helpful too, she's so nice. Treating me well and she said some things that really struct a chord. She told me she doesn't even remember the guy anymore as I read completely female now. (She barely recognized me on the train station even though we met just weeks prior. She said my face is changing a lot. She also said I'm pretty... And the most intriguing thing, if I didn't come out as trans, its likely we wouldn't even be in contact. I tried to ask why so but she was kinda cryptic about it. Suits me fine, I'm getting such girl friendship with her which I've missed for a very long time. There's a little difference, trans friends is one thing, but a relative and cis woman is another. She feels a lot like a sister I never had. I've always had a longing for a big sister type of friend and I think that's my cousin. She's a sweetheart, makes me feel so good as she treats me as a woman without any question about it. I think she keeps on forgetting that I'm trans because we've talked about lot of the kind of ladies stuff which isn't much a thing with someone without the correct plumbing downstairs. If she turns out to become my big sister for real, meeting up and calling me often, I'm welcoming that with open arms. Its a breath of fresh air. There's just one issue, boob envy, she's got nearly twice what I got. xD darn it. Need to grow more, I wanna surpass her. lol.

[Kay]

Hi DiDi,

Thank you for posting. I am glad your cousin is visiting you. Be kind to yourself, take the break you need and catch up on self care.

Kay

[DruLactin]

Hold on DiDi, since when did this become a poularity contest?. She who has the bigest, bounciest most round tits wins.... what exactly?. We are here to tell our experiences, seek help, and encourage one another. Writing here helps you get things out of your system, and others to understand they are not the only ones with these issues. Are we special ?, I'm afraid we are not, we're not the first ones through this, we won't be the last ones either. Do each of us have a unique story and path through NBE/Transition/Woman-ism/Whatever you want to call it?. Absolutely!. Are our stories worth telling? Absolutely!. Do we only care about how big your tits got this week? Hell no!. If you want to take a break that's great, but please don't do it because you think no one cares unless you post a new boobie pic, your experience as a transgender and your feelings are far far more valuable.

Hey Sonya. <3

I'm not talking about BN on its own, my distress is more making of FB and Reddit than BN forum.... Its just a saturation point of everything. I'm mentally extremely tired. My body dysmorphia / gender dysphoria have hit such fever pitch I must distance myself a bit.

I've had several really shitty things happen one after another lately and it all just adds up. I'm exhausted. Things outside my control have gone wrong. This has not helped with my mental issues of course which I have to address somehow. I don't want to end up becoming a statistic.

Having good time with my cousin right now, her company is really helpful actually. Keeps me away from the online stuff most of the day. Trans clinic doctor today afternoon. I hope it goes well.


EDIT:
I see my appointment has been changed from a face to face meeting into a Teams call on the last minute... Good I guess, it saves me the trouble from looking up the place. (I haven't ever visited in that hospital before and lot of Helsinki is quite unknown for me outside the city center. I've been talking with Lotus again, some very affirming things. And some very interesting stuff about breast growth and HRT etc.

ime off most social media is really called for. I've been here for two days, most of the time having something better to do than sink my mind in the dysphoria swamp... Its helpful.

My cousin has been more than helpful too, she's so nice. Treating me well and she said some things that really struct a chord. She told me she doesn't even remember the guy anymore as I read completely female now. (She barely recognized me on the train station even though we met just weeks prior. She said my face is changing a lot. She also said I'm pretty... And the most intriguing thing, if I didn't come out as trans, its likely we wouldn't even be in contact. I tried to ask why so but she was kinda cryptic about it. Suits me fine, I'm getting such girl friendship with her which I've missed for a very long time. There's a little difference, trans friends is one thing, but a relative and cis woman is another. She feels a lot like a sister I never had. I've always had a longing for a big sister type of friend and I think that's my cousin. She's a sweetheart, makes me feel so good as she treats me as a woman without any question about it. I think she keeps on forgetting that I'm trans because we've talked about lot of the kind of ladies stuff which isn't much a thing with someone without the correct plumbing downstairs. If she turns out to become my big sister for real, meeting up and calling me often, I'm welcoming that with open arms. Its a breath of fresh air. There's just one issue, boob envy, she's got nearly twice what I got. xD darn it. Need to grow more, I wanna surpass her. lol.

This all looks like good news (the edit does), and i'm really glad that time off the internet is helping you. Having a sister to talk to is great, as well.

And she said you're pretty because you're pretty.

-Dru

[HelloDiDi]

Day 178

I'm still in Helsinki, still in my cousins place. My plans with my friends have went so badly tits up its ridiculous. Haven't met up with them at all, only because I'm not feeling confident enough to navigate a huge city alone. I was hoping to get a ride but nope, no can do.

Then some good news, I've been talking with our lovely breast growth master Yoda and she has given me some really good new ideas on what to do to give my boobs a little boost. So there's two new supplements to try which I may soon add into the broth.

Yesterday I had a teams meeting with my doctor and it went fantastic. She was really sweet with everything and had obviously read my information as she knew exactly what to ask and she said some really nice things. She said that I'm making fantastic progress with my body/facial changes, said that I'm very knowledgeable about the process and my wishes and plans which we went through one by one. I told her which surgeries I'm planning/hoping to get done. When I said that BA is an option in case my breasts decide not to develop to match my wishes. I pulled the camera lower to show her how I'm progressing, her response, "Wow!". We talked about my mental issues and how to deal with them and she ended up concluding that there's nothing to stop my treatment and its timely and needed asap. She expedited my process by booking a therapy referral right away which is really nice. Typically they do nothing at all before diagnosis. My next meeting is with a nurse who goes deeper into details about my dysphoria and how to deal with it and so on, that will be in about one month which is amazingly short waiting time. This doctor is really super nice and I hope she's the main person I deal with, afaik she is. We also talked about how my social transition has been going and I of course made a point about having lived as a woman soon a year full time.

So yea, as I wished, my case is an obvious one and things will be dealt with as soon as possible. Ten therapy sessions coming up and those will be free. I'm applicable for another ten if I need it.

About boobs, I don't have much to tell, except that I've had a LOT of very deep itch going on for days. I've done one little change and that is going on higher dose of cypro, still not much, 12,5mg every other day. Lotus advised me to push my T even a bit lower (which I thought about earlier would be beneficial.) My hopes are to get my levels to about 300 pg/ml for estradiol and 20-25 pg/ml for T.

I placed and order for PG and waiting to get the payment details for it. I hope it works out, I've waited for a reply for a day now which is bit slow I think. Hopefully it wont get confiscated. I'm trying to get some at first and stock up on more as soon as I can.

My time off social media is really helping me a lot. So much peace of mind... ^_^ It was a good idea to take time off of it all.

[Sonya]

Hi DiDi,

I'm glad to hear your time off social media is paying off; as somebody who grew up when IRC was all the rage, playing MUDs was cool, and Kevin Mitnick was about to become famous, and father to a 15yo girl, I see the terrible psychological damage Facebook, Instagram and Co can, and actually do. May I suggest you stay off them until you are back to a rock solid state of mind?. I'd keep only the ones used strictly for communication e.g. Whatsapp, Signal etc...

Having been at the mercy of depression as well,  I know keeping supportive people around can make all the difference, so I'm very happy that you have found your cousin to be an ally. Keep her close, and do try to make an effort to meet your friends; it'll be difficult at first but I'm sure once you see them you'll think "why didn't I do it earlier?" .

It's great to se your doctor is so supportive, I hope if/when I transition mine is as nice as yours. And remember, you have plan, keep focused on it and you will eventually get there, whether it takes 2 months or 6 or 12 doesn't matter, what matters is that it gets done.

Hugs,

Sonya

[HelloDiDi]

Hi DiDi,

I'm glad to hear your time off social media is paying off; as somebody who grew up when IRC was all the rage, playing MUDs was cool, and Kevin Mitnick was about to become famous, and father to a 15yo girl, I see the terrible psychological damage Facebook, Instagram and Co can, and actually do. May I  suggest you stay off them until you are back to a rock solid state of mind?. I'd keep only the ones used strictly for communication e.g. Whatsapp, Signal etc...

Having been at the mercy of depression as well,  I know keeping supportive people around can make all the difference, so I'm very happy that you have found your cousin to be an ally. Keep her close, and do try to make an effort to meet your friends; it'll be difficult at first but I'm sure once you see them you'll think "why didn't I do it earlier?" . It's great to se your doctor is so supportive, I hope if/when I transition mine is as nice as yours. And remember, you have plan, keep focused on it and you will eventually get there, whether it takes 2 months or 6 or 12 doesn't matter, what matters is that it gets done. Hugs, Sonya

Hi Sonya. <3

Yea, its been hugely helpful to shut out almost everything for a while... Just some chatting on Discord and fb messenger and few posts here and that's been about it. No Reddit, no Facebook... Oh and Instragram etc., those I wont ever touch with a ten foot pole, I'm not that bad of a masochist. I grew up with the early days of internet too, back when (anti)social media was at its infancy and that was a better time in a way. The non-organic favoritism of modern social media machinery wasn't there to cause any harm, everything back then online seemed so much more real.

Reddit has been the worst offender within the last year or so, I've had a big need for finding friends and peer support, on that, its been somewhat helpful but its also extremely damaging, rubbing in the ridiculous "standard" to which trans women are supposed to, somehow, adhere to... Which 99% of us can never reach. Trans Reddits are often like what Instagram is to cis girls... Living puberty 2.0 does not make this any more easier, dysphoria does not give rats ass about logic and making sense. Having total time out is working way better.

I've had some good time in the last days, my cousin has been hugely helpful, even though she's struggling with variety of mental issues herself, but omg, she's such a good friend.... In a short time, I consider her my sister, for real. <3

My trans friends however have been kinda disappointing. They've been so busy going clubbing and such, I feel left out. They left just a while back to go for the third time and left me alone. This whole day I've felt tossed aside. I wanted to get dolled up and go too, but due to the covid restrictions, I had to stay back.(I haven't got the covid shot.) Oh and no way to find some alternative fun which I could take part too? I sit here alone while they go for drinks, dancing and guys. It feels so unfair. I would love to enjoy this time, preferably with friends, but their own amusement seems far more important than me. What ever, new opportunities will show up.

The social media break, if I keep complete time off all the way until I'm in better shape mentally.... Might take for a very very long time. I have huge burden of things to work out somehow.

The trans clinic doctor, she's really awesome. I hope she's the one I'll deal with the most as she seemed to be on the same page and even expedited my case. My friend confirmed this btw, most do not get therapy referral written right away, usually that is done after the diagnosis. I'm going to try to keep this up, ask them to help me out with everything they can, as soon as possible. It seems to be working out already as my doc concluded very quickly that I'm an obvious case and really need help. I wish I can convince all the others I have to deal with too.

Btw, I'm only two days shy of having been on HRT for six months.

[HelloDiDi]

Six months on HRT, some nice little stories from the way & assorted rambling about transition

When they say that transition is one hell of a roller coaster ride, they're right, it is. I'm now six months in on HRT, almost a year since I came out to the world and started to present fem 24/7. It has been nothing short of amazing and mostly extremely positive experience. All the pain and mental down time is hard to take but its definitely worth it.


What has amazed me the most is how accepting the people in my life have been, how seemingly easy it is for me to pass well enough / get treated as a normal person. Also how well my body is taking HRT is phenomenal.

The acceptance, its crazy! I was expecting much more trouble, the hardest to deal with so far has been my mother. It took her more than six months to finally make her mind around the fact that her son is actually her daughter. Now she genders me correctly (Finnish language does not have gendered pronouns btw.), calls me by my chosen name Lara, which has one letter difference to my dead name. She calls me her daughter and introduces me as such to others. She has also started to be supportive with other things, she paid my labs which I have to pocket at this point and paid a hairdresser as a Christmas present. She even said once that she's sorry for not being wealthy enough to pay my transition which surprised the heck out of me, my mother is the type who NEVER throws money into things she things are not necessary. My gf told me that just yesterday she spoke with the father of my half brother who asked how I'm doing and mom explained to him that I'm in the process of correcting my gender, using those exact words which was fantastic. Bro's dad took it so well, apparently he just noted, "well, that's life". I knew he would likely be very cool about it, mom thought he would not... I didn't even mind that mother outed me to someone as she apparently did it the best way possible. Bless her. <3

Recently I got in touch with a cousin of mine, I hadn't heard of her for over fifteen years and she starts calling me out of nowhere. I visited her last week for few days and had the most amazing time. She promoted me to a sister when I complained that I've always missed having a sister... <3 She's so amazing, supportive and genuinely interested. She also kinda cryptically said that we likely wouldn't be in touch if I hadn't came out as trans, not explaining why it is so. She also did something very surprising, I'm very cuddly and affectionate with close friends, but she started showing her affection very openly being physically close and cuddly. I never expected it from a cousin and specially not her. She said so many nice things, she doesn't even remember the guy any more, she called me pretty many times and apparently forgot I'm trans few times as we talked so much girl stuff that usually only cis girls talk about. I can't wait to meet her again, she's so awesome, my best real life cis friend so far. Others live further away and they aren't that close.

Passing is very interesting thing, how does it really work? My conclusion is that when enough small details go spot on, there's a threshold, which when reached, flips most people's perception on "female setting." I am not picture perfect, I have some edges to my jawline, broad shoulders, I'm taller than 95% of women in my country, I have tiny bit of beard shadow still remaining, my mannerism isn't always completely feminine. My voice is either a dark female voice or something very androgynous. Yet I seem to pass for a cis woman almost all the time... The only way it can work for me is that I have reached the point where enough small things are right, so people perceive me as a woman. I have written about some previous passing experience, but here's something new. I was a week away from home, first in Helsinki and then Mikkeli. I went out for drinks, christmas shopping and so on. Not a single long judgemental look at all! Normal reactions, normal interaction with all people I talked with, many guys checked me out.... And yesterday coming back home the coolest thing happened. I met my bands ex vocalist and his new gf on a train station half way home. He did not recognize me! We hadn't seen for over a year, but I had been sending voice messages to him a while back. Yet he did not know me until I took my mask off to show my face. That was so amazing! I have known with this guy for years and he failed to know me by my looks or voice... Now that is really something, I've had some other old friends not know me recently. A colleague from my previous job stood right next to me in a store a while back, looked into my eye, heard me speak and he did not know me. I worked with the guy for eight months, five days a week, eight hours a day and I was unknown to him.
So yea, when I see girls here being so extremely distressed about if they pass or not, don't feel desperate. I thought I could never pass for a woman and always be openly trans, but it seems I was very wrong about that... Get enough details right and you WILL pass for who you are! It takes effort, but if I can do it, you can too. Although I have been in luck with genetics as I have naturally androgynous and feminine features which now are becoming much more prominent....

And this brings in the third point of amusement. That is HRT and my body changes. Its been amazing, nothing short of mind blowing what fixing my hormones has done to me. I'm very pleased about the rapid pace and the extent of it. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, but I'm genuinely happy and proud of how things have developed. My approach to HRT is a little bit unorthodox as I'm using some other supplements on the side to help it out and before going on conventional medication, I was on herbal program for almost a year. This gave me a nice head start as I was able to find the right people with right information to find out what worked on me. Starting HRT just made it all gazillion times better and faster.

People have said that I'm very lucky, won the genetic lottery, that I'm an outlier and all this stuff... From what I've seen, they are right. The kind of pace and extent of changes I've had is similar to what girls in late teens and early twenties seem to get. Far better than I ever expected to have starting at the ripe age of thirty seven. Who ever is interested in talking about HRT stuff, come chat with me, I really like to talk about it.... I have learned a lot about endocrinology in the last few years and will keep on educating myself more on the subject. I know that our healthcare system is slow and some times even incompetent. When I get to deal with who ever endo I get, I want to be completely in the know about everything. I'm naturally curious and finding out more about hormone functions has been hugely helpful.
So yea, that's about it. Oh btw, I'm having a break from most social media until March 19th... I thought I need a time out, to concentrate more on real life things than overthinking like crazy about stuff online. And also to not hurt myself, comparing myself to others is self sabotage. So I rather steer clear of a lot of online trans spaces and rather get validated in real life. Why March 19th? On that day I've been nine months on HRT, I'm thinking about making a picture update on that day, about my body changes in general and something to the breast timelines... My boobs aren't even close of being done growing yet. <3

Ok, this post has gone long enough. Anyway, this first half a year has been full of first times, full of surprises and mostly positive experience, also a lot of pain and depression, but that's what a dark night of the soul is all about.

[Manue]

Does your dark voice compares with angry Gandalf? I think mine would be more like Sauron's Eye. 

I'm glad you found affectionate relatives with your cousin and mom.  Inspiring!

And yes the details, I believe any of them add to the package as well.

[HelloDiDi]

Does your dark voice compares with angry Gandalf? I think mine would be more like Sauron's Eye. I'm glad you found affectionate relatives with your cousin and mom. Inspiring! And yes the details, I believe any of them add to the package as well.

Hahaha, I don't think so, think of a dark female voice instead... Heck I should post some voice demo some time. I've heard other trans women say its androgynous, one said I sound male... Friends say I sound female... What ever the heck it is, its working. My voice is passing, old friends and colleagues don't know me by my voice any more.

[HelloDiDi]

Day 184

Yesterday I played around with clothing. Apparently with a decent bra and corset, I can get my bust - waist - hips ratios down to about 0,65... That's not just a hourglass, that's accentuated hourglass. I was thinking about ideas on a party dress and I know exactly what to get once I can, all I need is a really nice skirt and some pretty overbust corset. Oh and high heels.

EDIT:
Ok, ok, I can already hear it, pics or it didn't  happen. I'll give you one picture.