24-07-2021, 02:27 AM
(22-07-2021, 09:51 PM)HelloDiDi Wrote: Day 31You know DIDI there will be a day sooner than you think when you look back on this down -time and say to yourself, " I can't even remember why I felt so low!" And coincidentally, that will be your day of self recognition! it's just around the corner. You don't even need to look for it! Hang in there you are on the right path.
I'm making some progress getting out of the rut I've had on for the last five days. Today was fucking horrible too. Until my band arrived. Playing drums is a perfect way to disassociate from my body and my problems for a while. Right now I'm having the exhausted but satisfied afterglow of a rehearsal going on, feeling ok for now... Ok enough to post something. I love my band, they're such a cheer to have around. Takes my mind elsewhere and that of course cheers me up. Anyway, I have bunch of issues which transitioning pushes to the surface as I'm rewriting my whole life and I must go through my entire character and personality and body image issues and all that stuff. And it ain't easy. Its a personal hell as I've had a tough ride to get where I am now and its nothing to brag about. I've had a lot of crap happen which I don't wish to anyone, at least no one as sensitive as I am. People keep on saying how strong I am, but bullshit, I'm sensitive and insecure as heck and only made it alive this far with stubborn dumb determination and fools hope that there will be better time coming. And the cynic in me keeps on laughing about such bullshit.
Anyway, this post is quite different, I'm going to quote myself with something I said on BN Discord server today as this has to do with my transition, NBE and my problems in general and little bit of something I've noticed happening here since I haven't been posting pictures that frequently and switching from herbs to HRT... Partially but anyway. And don't be offended, a lot of this shite is nothing but my own twisted perception and my issues taking far too much control.
Quote:Its just not really encouraging...
I worked my ass off that first year with noogle and massage and got what, two or three cup sizes out of that in rather short time? That set up my expectations quite high and I wasn't going to be satisfied with anything less. I went on herbs and it seemed that everything slowed down to a crawl. I remember well how much I was complimented for that fast initial progress I got. Then I get on better program and things start to take a turn. I budded so well and I remember how I loved that first initial growth pain which hasn't been the same since excluding some odd days here and there. Then I go on Lotus program which made things go exponentially better.
And now on HRT which hasn't even had the time to do much. And I know very well that since I budded has been less than a year, breast development takes anything from two years up to five or even longer...
Heck some older trans women have had growth going for up to ten years from what I've seen and read about. So yea, I'm still just a newbie, but I was praised so much and the interest was just out of this world awesome. And now it seems that almost nobody cares except for few friends. And then there's a newbie who's waltzing through the same development and more than what I've got since the day I started with heck of a lot of work and I see how the focus is shifting and only less than five people seem to pay any attention any more.
It makes it all feel like I've worked for nothing. Of course, its about my own comfort in my body more than anything else, but I wanted for once to be special and to succeed at something and now it seems I'm not more special than anybody else. And others around me are breezing through stuff which has taken ages to happen to me. Its eating away my motivation to continue posting and to document this stuff or to take pictures.
A lot of the reason why I have been so consistent and thorough is that I feel that I'm important and helpful and that's not about me, its about others. But lately I've felt like I'm not important or needed any more. I've felt like I'm not interesting any more. I'm just an ordinary trans chick like any other and not even that great at it...
Cat