[Happyme]

well personally I love smaller areolas and nipples.
They are MUCH cuter, and enjoyable.
Stop all the nipple fret
Bobbi

[Drew]

well personally I love smaller areolas and nipples.
They are MUCH cuter, and enjoyable.
Stop all the nipple fret
Bobbi

And Bobbi has spoken...we dont need to fret we are gorgeous Off to sleep..may be gone again for another week or so again. Didi...good advice...don't fret or compare yourself with others, we all feel inadequate at times, that's life. Got to update my avatar.....bum is a bit embarrassing

[HelloDiDi]

Its just disappointing... Get big boobs which look three sizes less than what they are and not get the things I would wish for. Decent projection and bigger areolas and nipples.... Well, Can't have it all I guess. I juts would want to succeed in something as most of my life has been more or less disappointment. Heck I feel like an impostor wearing my new bra which makes things look so nice... The moment I take it off feels awful, its almost like going from having boobs to having next to nothing as it accentuates so much.

I'm just being moody and depressed today, it'll go away like it always does. This is the kind of shit dysphoria does. Its hard to believe how difficult it can be to deal with. I think I would be much more at ease if I knew anything about when I'm going to get help and how. But I have no option than to wait for the medieval trans healthcare to start moving its gears. Well there is a way to get a HRT prescription quite easy if it works out but in that case I ofc have to pay it all myself... I can get E, that's not an issue, but everything else costs arm an leg depending a bit where I get it. So yea, I should be set with the medication ok, but I can't afford much more than what I'm doing now.

The difficult thing is that I feel all alone. Online friends help a bit, irl friends help a bit too, but none of them are trans... My gf is an angel, I would be completely depressed and lost without her, that's for sure. But I think I need help, actual real heal help and its still months away. I'm really glad I got the sick leave arranged. But soon I must go get more as that asshole doctor didn't give me more than three weeks. My problems will not be solved in weeks, it will take months at least.

[Drew]

You are okay, more than okay. Yeah depression we all get that I suspect? Well I do and cannot identify my gender properly because there are factors which argument my own feelings. Yes I am pretty round and full bosomed but when I take off my bra I do feel like....where have they gone? In some of my bras which fit i look huge, i take it off.....not so impressive is quite normal for all of us, I think DidI this is a hormonal thing you are feeling, I know I freaked out on a scale of 1000 to ten myself and had a hormonal meltdown I think you are dealing with it quite maturely and proper.

[HelloDiDi]

You are okay, more than okay. Yeah depression we all get that I suspect? Well I do and cannot identify my gender properly because there are factors which argument my own feelings. Yes I am pretty round and full bosomed but when I take off my bra I do feel like....where have they gone? In some of my bras which fit i look huge,  i take it off.....not so impressive is quite normal for all of us, I think DidI this is a hormonal thing you are feeling, I know I freaked out on a scale of 1000 to ten myself and had a hormonal meltdown I think you are dealing with it quite maturely and proper.

I hope I am. I certainly don't feel like it... Its one of these days. And the bra, I really love it what bras do with the shape, but taking them off and then seeing myself flatten out like crazy as my boobs are so shallow... Fucking hell its disheartening as heck.

I was already suspecting this might be pms, I've had that kind of thing from PM when I was cycling it on 21/7. Last three or four days have been a mental nightmare. I've been sleeping too much, feeling tired, anxious and frustrated as hell and of course it fires up my dysphoria through the roof. Its not helping that my gf is away dealing with her old apartment and moving her stuff in here. Its the first time for a year that I'm not together with her for so many days and I miss her a lot.

If this is pms, I'm expecting things to get better in few days if not earlier. I obviously react extremely strongly to hormonal changes and my body has never before had anything like this going on. Suddenly a HUGE rush of estradiol entering my system. Obviously things will be somewhat messed up for a while. This also coincides with the approximate time it takes for all traces of miroestrol(PM) to clear out. Nothing seriously bad has happened in the last several days so I think this must be hormonal. From what I know, our bodies take several months to fully adjust to any new hormone balance, specially when its a dramatic big time change, so I'm not surprised I'm feeling like absolute crap and get mood swings. I might be back in the la-la-land by tomorrow, who knows...

I guess its a good idea to post this stuff too so newbies reading wont think that its all rosy, rainbows and glitter farting unicorns, but there's also struggles and some tough shit to deal with. HRT is no joke.

[Drew]

You are okay, more than okay. Yeah depression we all get that I suspect? Well I do and cannot identify my gender properly because there are factors which argument my own feelings. Yes I am pretty round and full bosomed but when I take off my bra I do feel like....where have they gone? In some of my bras which fit i look huge,  i take it off.....not so impressive is quite normal for all of us, I think DidI this is a hormonal thing you are feeling, I know I freaked out on a scale of 1000 to ten myself and had a hormonal meltdown I think you are dealing with it quite maturely and proper.

I hope I am. I certainly don't feel like it... Its one of these days. And the bra, I really love it what bras do with the shape, but taking them off and then seeing myself flatten out like crazy as my boobs are so shallow... Fucking hell its disheartening as heck.

I was already suspecting this might be pms, I've had that kind of thing from PM when I was cycling it on 21/7. Last three or four days have been a mental nightmare. I've been sleeping too much, feeling tired, anxious and frustrated as hell and of course it fires up my dysphoria through the roof. Its not helping that my gf is away dealing with her old apartment and moving her stuff in here. Its the first time for a year that I'm not together with her for so many days and I miss her a lot.

If this is pms, I'm expecting things to get better in few days if not earlier. I obviously react extremely strongly to hormonal changes and my body has never before had anything like this going on. Suddenly a HUGE rush of estradiol entering my system. Obviously things will be somewhat messed up for a while. This also coincides with the approximate time it takes for all traces of miroestrol(PM) to clear out. Nothing seriously bad has happened in the last several days so I think this must be hormonal. From what I know, our bodies take several months to fully adjust to any new hormone balance, specially when its a dramatic big time change, so I'm not surprised I'm feeling like absolute crap and get mood swings. I might be back in the la-la-land by tomorrow, who knows...

I guess its a good idea to post this stuff too so newbies reading wont think that its all rosy, rainbows and glitter farting unicorns, but there's also struggles and some tough shit to deal with. HRT is no joke.

it's no joke and I had a hormonal meltdown and nobody here judged me for it even though i became a nasty evil bitch for a while. Yeah sometimes it isn't easy and you are right, newbies should be aware of the potential emotional sacrifice they may or may not endure. When it comes it's hard. Oh! I love the farting unicorns thing,  so want to watch a unicorn fart!

[Happyme]

Its just disappointing... Get big boobs which look three sizes less than what they are and not get the things I would wish for. Decent projection and bigger areolas and nipples.... Well, Can't have it all I guess. I juts would want to succeed in something as most of my life has been more or less disappointment. Heck I feel like an impostor wearing my new bra which makes things look so nice... The moment I take it off feels awful, its almost like going from having boobs to having next to nothing as it accentuates so much.

I'm just being moody and depressed today, it'll go away like it always does. This is the kind of shit dysphoria does. Its hard to believe how difficult it can be to deal with. I think I would be much more at ease if I knew anything about when I'm going to get help and how. But I have no option than to wait for the medieval trans healthcare to start moving its gears. Well there is a way to get a HRT prescription quite easy if it works out but in that case I ofc have to pay it all myself... I can get E, that's not an issue, but everything else costs arm an leg depending a bit where I get it. So yea, I should be set with the medication ok, but I can't afford much more than what I'm doing now.

The difficult thing is that I feel all alone. Online friends help a bit, irl friends help a bit too, but none of them are trans... My gf is an angel, I would be completely depressed and lost without her, that's for sure. But I think I need help, actual real heal help and its still months away. I'm really glad I got the sick leave arranged. But soon I must go get more as that asshole doctor didn't give me more than three weeks. My problems will not be solved in weeks, it will take months at least.

Didi
Think ahead to the near future, when your no long trans, but a woman.
all of this and probably us will be a part of a foggy dream, as you enjoy your new life as the woman you deserve to be.
Bobbi

[HelloDiDi]

Didi
Think ahead to the near future, when your no long trans, but a woman.
all of this and probably us will be a part of a foggy dream, as you enjoy your new life as the woman you deserve to be.
Bobbi

Awww, you're a sweetheart. <3

Yea, a girl can dream... I dunno how far I need to go for this mental torturous BS to end, but I presume its about knowing the pace and the goal of the treatments, getting on a decent meds and having enough time to deprogram the mess inside my head. I mean I got a lot of internal conflict going on. There's all the scattered remnants of the 'guy' I use to role play and then there's the emerging woman going barely into her puberty and finally being let loose to reign over everything else. (Funny to speak about myself in third person.) Anyway, lot of learning and self reflection is needed before I make it out of this dark night of the soul...

But at least this morning I'm feeling way better than yesterday. I didn't sleep too long for once and I'm feeling way more energetic and not THAT pissed off as in last few days. Interestingly enough btw, I picked up my MSM yesterday, did a double dose to pick up the pace and now I'm feeling much better. I have been on MSM for such a long time I wonder if there was an imbalance of some kind when I was five days off of it. It does deal with HGH levels and what else... I wouldn't be surprised as I seem to have some sort of sensitivity to a lot of stuff. Anyway, today started much better.

I think I'm confident enough to post some pictures. These are from few days ago. I had worn supple nips that day so I think there's some swelling going on, any visible real progress... You decide. Measuring tape claims so.

[Happyme]

Didi
Think ahead to the near future, when your no long trans, but a woman.
all of this and probably us will be a part of a foggy dream, as you enjoy your new life as the woman you deserve to be.
Bobbi

Awww, you're a sweetheart. <3

Yea, a girl can dream... I dunno how far I need to go for this mental torturous BS to end, but I presume its about knowing the pace and the goal of the treatments, getting on a decent meds and having enough time to deprogram the mess inside my head. I mean I got a lot of internal conflict going on. There's all the scattered remnants of the 'guy' I use to role play and then there's the emerging woman going barely into her puberty and finally being let loose to reign over everything else. (Funny to speak about myself in third person.) Anyway, lot of learning and self reflection is needed before I make it out of this dark night of the soul...

But at least this morning I'm feeling way better than yesterday. I didn't sleep too long for once and I'm feeling way more energetic and not THAT pissed off as in last few days. Interestingly enough btw, I picked up my MSM yesterday, did a double dose to pick up the pace and now I'm feeling much better. I have been on MSM for such a long time I wonder if there was an imbalance of some kind when I was five days off of it. It does deal with HGH levels and what else... I wouldn't be surprised as I seem to have some sort of sensitivity to a lot of stuff. Anyway, today started much better.

I think I'm confident enough to post some pictures. These are from few days ago. I had worn supple nips that day so I think there's some swelling going on, any visible real progress... You decide. Measuring tape claims so.

Ahhhhhh you take my breath away.
I know your on track but I think that talking to a gender therapist will really help knock off the rough edges, In the mean time you stuck with us.
Your looking lovely
Bobbi

[HelloDiDi]

Day 31

I'm making some progress getting out of the rut I've had on for the last five days. Today was fucking horrible too. Until my band arrived. Playing drums is a perfect way to disassociate from my body and my problems for a while. Right now I'm having the exhausted but satisfied afterglow of a rehearsal going on, feeling ok for now... Ok enough to post something. I love my band, they're such a cheer to have around. Takes my mind elsewhere and that of course cheers me up. Anyway, I have bunch of issues which transitioning pushes to the surface as I'm rewriting my whole life and I must go through my entire character and personality and body image issues and all that stuff. And it ain't easy. Its a personal hell as I've had a tough ride to get where I am now and its nothing to brag about. I've had a lot of crap happen which I don't wish to anyone, at least no one as sensitive as I am. People keep on saying how strong I am, but bullshit, I'm sensitive and insecure as heck and only made it alive this far with stubborn dumb determination and fools hope that there will be better time coming. And the cynic in me keeps on laughing about such bullshit.

Anyway, this post is quite different, I'm going to quote myself with something I said on BN Discord server today as this has to do with my transition, NBE and my problems in general and little bit of something I've noticed happening here since I haven't been posting pictures that frequently and switching from herbs to HRT... Partially but anyway. And don't be offended, a lot of this shite is nothing but my own twisted perception and my issues taking far too much control.

Its just not really encouraging...

I worked my ass off that first year with noogle and massage and got what, two or three cup sizes out of that in rather short time? That set up my expectations quite high and I wasn't going to be satisfied with anything less. I went on herbs and it seemed that everything slowed down to a crawl. I remember well how much I was complimented for that fast initial progress I got. Then I get on better program and things start to take a turn. I budded so well and I remember how I loved that first initial growth pain which hasn't been the same since excluding some odd days here and there. Then I go on Lotus program which made things go exponentially better.

And now on HRT which hasn't even had the time to do much. And I know very well that since I budded has been less than a year, breast development takes anything from two years up to five or even longer...

Heck some older trans women have had growth going for up to ten years from what I've seen and read about. So yea, I'm still just a newbie, but I was praised so much and the interest was just out of this world awesome. And now it seems that almost nobody cares except for few friends. And then there's a newbie who's waltzing through the same development and more than what I've got since the day I started with heck of a lot of work and I see how the focus is shifting and only less than five people seem to pay any attention any more.

It makes it all feel like I've worked for nothing. Of course, its about my own comfort in my body more than anything else, but I wanted for once to be special and to succeed at something and now it seems I'm not more special than anybody else. And others around me are breezing through stuff which has taken ages to happen to me. Its eating away my motivation to continue posting and to document this stuff or to take pictures.

A lot of the reason why I have been so consistent and thorough is that I feel that I'm important and helpful and that's not about me, its about others. But lately I've felt like I'm not important or needed any more. I've felt like I'm not interesting any more. I'm just an ordinary trans chick like any other and not even that great at it...