[HelloDiDi]

Thanks lovelies.

I'm supposed to receive a parcel today. With something new to try out. 34th month will be interesting as there are several program changes happening all at once. Unfortunately I'm soon running out of progesterone, I'm in little trouble with that as our lovely healthcare system back when I fixed my legal stuff, just coldly deleted all my prescriptions and I'm still waiting for a chance to renew them. And getting prog prescribed is highly unlikely and I'm short on money, so ordering it elsewhere will take a while. I'm on a forced break from it, except for creams and NBE stuff. Not nicest spot to be at, but then again, everything's working so well I will do ok without for a while.

Next week I'll be busy as I have professional laser session booked, finally finishing off what is left of my facial hair. I presure I will need maybe two or three sessions and that'll be almost all as there's so little left. And I might get hairdresser booked too. I've been thinking about some warm blonde colour this. All thanks to my girlfriend spoilin me again. She's kinda nuts with it, treating me like a princess. She recently ordered something as a gift, didn't want to tell me what it is. Melts my heart.  

About surgery recovery, its interesting how the aftercare plan says to keep the compression cloth for at least five weeks for eightteen hours a day. I did, but it wasn't enough. So since then I've kept it during the night and then few hours at daytime if I'm not busy going out or something. Its amazing on keeping swelling down and swelling from lipo gives quite a discomfort even when its not really painful any more. The swelling works in an interesting way, its not stable and it doesn't go away in a linear fashion. It comes and goes and there are spots which swell up and later go down and it keeps changing which spots are swollen. I have obvious problem areas at lower flank area and sides of my tummy, exactly where my surgeon said that I had extremely dense fatty tissue. Worst was below the big stretch marks. These areas are clearly the slowest to heal and have most swelling and numbness. Which btw keeps on going away each day, numnbness is one of possible complications for this btw, most of the time it does heal as soon as the nerves regrow, but in some cases it might be permanent. I have once cut my right index finger badly, I ended up having no sensation on outer side of that finger for about ten to fifteen years, but it did recover to nearly where it should be. That happened when I was ten years old, so some times broken nerves do slowly recover well but it can take a very long time. Knowing this makes me hopeful that numbness from lipo wont be forever. So far its been going away really well. I think sensation on the problem areas is about 75% recovered by now.

I love how my back feels now, its so slim compared to how it was before. That's one of the things I anticipate with such enthusiasm, to have my entire back finished, getting all that tight af male pattern fat gone is dreamy. And once its all done, I can only imagine what kind of proportions will a decent corset give me. Another I'm eager to get done is my arms. They're naturally thick even when I'm not exercising much but HRT has given me so much girl fat below my arms its kinda crazy. Once that is dealt with, its another subtle change to upper body proportions, it'll make my boobs look way bigger too. Its a shame I can't change my shoulder width too, but I can always compensate by growing an extra cup size to make up for it? That shouldn't be much of a problem.

Speaking of cup sizes, with some luck on natural growth, my second fat graft might be larger than first as more surface area there is, it allows a bigger fat transfer. First one was approximately 650ccs, but next time I might have room for more. I'm likely to ask for more inner and upper fullness and another small injection below. My surgeon also told me that if I want to deal with the T4 mound, there's a special technique to flatten it out, which makes a mature T5 like shape and wider areolas. I told him to wait for now as my development isn't finished yet, but its intriguing for sure. I might end up booking that in the future, who says I'm all done with second fat graft anyway, my surgery plan includes a third phase which is about detailing and finishing touches. I might ask to add finishing my boobs too to that, time will tell.

I've been typing way too long, I need to make another coffee and my oatmeal, yay, titty food.

[HelloDiDi]

I had first voice therapy today.

The therapist is awesome, she was extremely nice and professional. We talked about everything in much detail. I told her how and which things I've been practicing for the last three years and how my voice has developed. I told about the things I'm happy with and things I wish to improve and what I want her help with. Main thing was maybe new approach on practicing resonance. I told her that I'm mostly happy with pitch as I land easily to female range at all times and I can push it even higher if I want, but brighter resonance might be helpful and that's a thing of practice.

She asked if I'm aware about the limitations and risks of the vocal chord surgery and I told her I'm quite well informed about it and its a risk and opportunity I'm willing to take to alleviate dysphoria, maybe help with my internal voice and to give me confidence about my voice in all situations. I told her I'm also aware that losing volume is possible and singing might not be the same afterwards but I'm willing to take the leap.

She told me that it is obvious that my voice practice has been successful, my voice if fully female one and credibility is not a problem. She also said I'm doing great on both pitch and resonance, I don't sound like I would have tension in my larynx and there's no typical "trans voice" mistakes there either. The vocal chord surgeon told me these same things. I think I can safely say that who ever claims my voice doesn't pass for a cis woman is full of shit, they're all idiots and liars. I think professionals dealing with voice issues have a tendency to know better and their job is not to kiss asses but to help their patients.  

Anyway, just another confirmation for things I already knew. My voice is fully cis passable, that's not why I need the surgery for, but for helping with dysphoria and minor details of how I wish to sound like. And grabbing the most amazing opportunity for very expensive world class surgery for price of hospital stay. So plan is few more sessions and then decisions and contact phoniatrics clinic to get me on the waiting list.

EDIT:
I just came back home, I just had my first professional laser session done. I will likely end up doing 2-3 at least, but with little luck that might deal with any facial hair left that has pigment in it. I told about my plans to likely finish the job with electrolysis later on depending on how it goes. Btw, this clinic is part of the same chain who are doing all my cosmetic procedures so the lady operating on me knows my surgeon obviously. I asked her idea about a non insavise, simple facial feminisation as I'm not going for a full FFS due to costs and difficulty getting one... And because I don't need it! Despite what another set of liars have said that I do need it... Well, I take word of professionals over that, now second plastic surgeon has told me that I don't need a major feminising surgery, but can benefit from small subtle fixes, I take their word for it. I asked for her ideas and told what I've been thinking about and she pretty much listed just the things I've had in mind already.

She told me that my cheecks, lips and nose don't need anything at all, but microneedling for skin quality would be good idea, along with minor filler to deal with few wrinkles I have and for lifting outer side of my eyebrow which I think is a great idea. These can be done with minor filler, just few shots and nothing major. Also she told about a technique for my jawline, stuff that kills fat cells locally without anything damaging the skin. That had some fancy name, apparently some brand new technique I had never heard of before. All this would cost just over one thousand so a tiny fraction of FFS. None of it is really incasive either and I've seen plenty of results of minor cosmetic fixes and she showed me a whole lot of her work. Looked really nice so I'm seriously considering.

Today has been so amazingly validating! When medical professionals tell me things like my voice is spot on cis passable, or that my facial features are so naturally feminine that I don't need any major operations. These people have no reason to lie or to pat my back, especially plastic surgeons who get paid a lot. This is such a confidence boost, I love it. When a plastic surgeon tells me that I have bunch of really spot on pretty facial features, comes up with the same ideas I've had about procedures and is just over all really pleasant and professional with everything, well, this made my day.

[Billie]

Question, are you using voice tools like music scales exercises to hold on to for the future? Have you listened to your voice lessons recording?

[Mashtenn]

That's awesome news.  It's a great feeling when things fall into place.

[HelloDiDi]

Question, are you using voice tools like music scales exercises to hold on to for the future? Have you listened to your voice lessons recording?

I've been a vocalist in bunch of heavy metal bands for over twenty years, so obviously I record my voice from time to time and I practice my singing with which I've been lazy lately. Its been a while now since I listened my voice on a recording. I think last time was a random voice demo recorded on my phone. (Phone and laptop mics are all potatoes without exceptions.)

Last time I heard a professional quality reocrding of myself was vocal recordings for my black metal band and it was surprising. My voice sounds much brighter by both pitch and resonance to other people as it does on record when the quality is decent. For myself it sounds deeper and darker because of internal resonance. (Voice resonating though skull straight into ear, the stuff no other person hears.)I haven't done scales on purpose, but I do some times just sing along with music to keep up. My range has widened at upper end for at least 3-5 notes if not more. Before transition singing Scorpions was very difficult, now its super easy and singing Lorreena McKennitt has become manageable. So that's quite significant improvement.

On my voice demo done at the phoniatrics clinic my vocal range went from A#2 to D5, that 458Hz which I did without a warmup, without pushing the far ends. I'm quite sure I could do wider range after warming up decently. The vocal chord surgery might do some interesting things, it might cut the lower end, make my average pitch higher and likely it will make brighter resonance more natural. Widening my vocal range is more about practice and my therapist seemed to think that I might be able to further widen my upper reigster with training. Its really interesting what she comes up with, she mentioned that we might figure out some new approaches to practicing resonance which is awesome as that is something vocal chord surgery alone cannot achieve.

[HelloDiDi]

That's awesome news.  It's a great feeling when things fall into place.

It is. I'm having crazy busy year, it seems I'm getting one booking after another happening right now. Along with moving to a new home and all. Taking care of my poor old puppy. He has been more energetic lately which is great but time is surely catching on him, sweet doggo is facing his twilight.

This year will be crazy with all the transition treatments, some more laser sessions, more psychotherapy, voice lessons, second phase body contouring and second fat graft, vocal chord surgery, booking minor facial feminisation stuff, I should get SRS referrals this year too. Oh and in a month there's the three month post of check and endocrinologist on same day. No idea how will I have energy dealing with all this, I didn't even mention all bureaucracy I have to deal with. There's job center, getting my sick leave prolonged, renew prescription for my anxiety/panic attack meds and what else. Gazillion things to arrange. I guess

I asked for this, its about time to put my life in order. I can't wait to get all the big stuff dealt with. I miss life, I miss having energy for everything else than just my body and mind. I want to get back on doing music and I'm planning about getting back to making art, I want to draw and paint actively again. Its been ages since I did much at all other than just random album covers. There's so much life to be lived and I'm bogged into this self improvement limbo.

[Stevenator_]

I want to get back on doing music and I'm planning about getting back to making art, I want to draw and paint actively again. Its been ages since I did much at all other than just random album covers. There's so much life to be lived.

ATTA-GIRL !!!

[Billie]

My mind is wishing to see a youtube of your perfornance as a boy and another as a girl.

[HelloDiDi]

Its not going to happen. I'm really close of scrubbing my old YT channel of all old videos anyway. I never was much of a guy to begin with.

I rather not make silly comparisons to my past. I'm doing everything in my power to go further away from it, its not nostalgic or fun to keep digging it all up, at least not for now. Maybe it will be in ten or fifteen years, but not now. I want to be me, I don't want to remember the silly roleplaying character I lived as. This is something that people keep doing, especially cis people from my old life, they keep on bringing past up all the time. My past is colouring my present for them. They don't accept me, they do not see a woman, they see a guy in a dress because in their mind I'm still a man somehow. Surface level acceptance is just lip service as there is no understanding and its impossible to change their minds unless they do it on their own. 

Can you believe it how they don't even think I'm cis passing? My uncle made a remark about it last week, something about people maybe treating me badly. Like hell they do, they don't know. But these people cannot fathom the idea that I am a woman and that my transition has been so perfect in less than three years time that I stealth pass to strangers. Not even my girlfriends's parents know, I'm a cis woman to them. People cannot be taught this stuff, it has to come from within. This is what it means when people say that everyone transitions along, or they don't. Most of them never will transition their minds.
 
May the past rust in peace. Deadname is truly dead.

[Billie]

It can be confusing for folks where a person is on the gender preference scale and sexual preference rainbow. For me I was nonbinary and bisexual before NBE. I choose to come out as nonbinary and bisexual after developing breasts. So the change for me was my understanding of my gender and sexual preference. Some people who asked me questions because they don't understand include my GP Doctor, my Diabetes Specialist, my support group (DBSA), and my spouse. Most people don't know my definition of nonbinary. I say I developed male and female sex characteristics.