20-03-2021, 11:08 PM
I'm crying a fucking river.... I can't stand this any more... I'm so sick of playing games, faking it to people... I'm sick of it. I have to start to come out to my family. I must do it, its so painful, I'm afraid and I have to deal with it or else I'll just break down completely.
If I can gather the courage... I will call my brother tomorrow. I have to tell someone.
I've been avoiding my mother for months... I'm just too afraid of what will happen. I will crack at some point and can't hold it and tell her no matter what. I must act upon it, its too painful to keep inside. I'm horrible at keeping from telling something that's bothering me. I've always sucked at it and it has caused me depression earlier... (Bullying, at one point I stopped talking to my mother as she was just hurting me more with her so called advice, that set off a snowball which kept gathering for years and years culminating much later in a near suicide attempt.)
Its just insane, last few months have been crazy. Everyone I've told something to have been so kind to me, I never expected it. Even my bandmates were so cool, it totally broke me in a way. Its a small wonder I didn't cry right there back then.
And people online, oh my gods how awesome it has been... Here, BN, some other forums, fb friends, almost all of it has been just amazing. Few friends have stopped talking with me but I don't mind... If they can't deal with it, its none of my business and I have better friends. But my family not knowing, its such a burden on me... I can't carry that pain on my shoulders forever. I can't hide much longer until I totally loose it and blurt it out in a bad way.
I dunno if anyone even cares about this insane struggle, I just have to have this said out loud somehow.
I posted the above on the BN Discord just minutes ago... I have to get this off my shoulders, I have to do something about it. Its killing me to keep quiet. I can't handle it unless I act out. I'm sorry to spam a rant like this here, but I need to open up or I'll spend the rest of the night crying and over thinking the same things million times.
If I can gather the courage... I will call my brother tomorrow. I have to tell someone.
I've been avoiding my mother for months... I'm just too afraid of what will happen. I will crack at some point and can't hold it and tell her no matter what. I must act upon it, its too painful to keep inside. I'm horrible at keeping from telling something that's bothering me. I've always sucked at it and it has caused me depression earlier... (Bullying, at one point I stopped talking to my mother as she was just hurting me more with her so called advice, that set off a snowball which kept gathering for years and years culminating much later in a near suicide attempt.)
Its just insane, last few months have been crazy. Everyone I've told something to have been so kind to me, I never expected it. Even my bandmates were so cool, it totally broke me in a way. Its a small wonder I didn't cry right there back then.
And people online, oh my gods how awesome it has been... Here, BN, some other forums, fb friends, almost all of it has been just amazing. Few friends have stopped talking with me but I don't mind... If they can't deal with it, its none of my business and I have better friends. But my family not knowing, its such a burden on me... I can't carry that pain on my shoulders forever. I can't hide much longer until I totally loose it and blurt it out in a bad way.
I dunno if anyone even cares about this insane struggle, I just have to have this said out loud somehow.
I posted the above on the BN Discord just minutes ago... I have to get this off my shoulders, I have to do something about it. Its killing me to keep quiet. I can't handle it unless I act out. I'm sorry to spam a rant like this here, but I need to open up or I'll spend the rest of the night crying and over thinking the same things million times.