[PleasantlyFascinated]

You express a fascinating revelation.  The voice on your shoulder is not the true and pure expression of you.  The lowly voice that promotes a false way of thinking is an energetic attachment which masquerades as your own thinking, and intrudes as if it were.  It is an energetic phenomenon which grows stronger with regular feeding, but weaker through the discipline of not indulging in the thoughts it promotes.  The true beauty of you will express as the unique fulfillment of what your spirit is, the more that your energies are reserved for the feeding of your true spirit.  That is the wisdom I hear from what you have written.  Thank you.

[JustAbbey]

You express a fascinating revelation.  The voice on your shoulder is not the true and pure expression of you.  The lowly voice that promotes a false way of thinking is an energetic attachment which masquerades as your own thinking, and intrudes as if it were.  It is an energetic phenomenon which grows stronger with regular feeding, but weaker through the discipline of not indulging in the thoughts it promotes.  The true beauty of you will express as the unique fulfillment of what your spirit is, the more that your energies are reserved for the feeding of your true spirit.  That is the wisdom I hear from what you have written.  Thank you.

Well said. 

Stay strong - jealousy, anxiety and depression all pass. And be gentle with yourself too - these feelings suck, but don’t reflect at all on you or life you’re choosing to live.

[Heaven's Night]

You express a fascinating revelation.  The voice on your shoulder is not the true and pure expression of you.  The lowly voice that promotes a false way of thinking is an energetic attachment which masquerades as your own thinking, and intrudes as if it were.  It is an energetic phenomenon which grows stronger with regular feeding, but weaker through the discipline of not indulging in the thoughts it promotes.  The true beauty of you will express as the unique fulfillment of what your spirit is, the more that your energies are reserved for the feeding of your true spirit.  That is the wisdom I hear from what you have written.  Thank you.

Well said. 

Stay strong - jealousy, anxiety and depression all pass. And be gentle with yourself too - these feelings suck, but don’t reflect at all on you or life you’re choosing to live.

Kind words. <3 Thanks.

It jut crazy how emotional ups and downs can come and go like crazy, from sky high to rock bottom in a heartbeat. And good morning, I'm barely awake, I slept only few hours and feel generally like shit. I'll be a zombie all day if the old signs hold. At least my boobies are all flared up and puffy as heck. Pictures will wait, I'm not on the mood for that right now.

Diometres hit the nail in the head there. Gentle with myself... I wish I knew how to, I'm awful with my personal demands and expectations, I forgive nothing and never forget failure or humiliation. Its ironic, I can forgive others even such big mistakes which should never be forgiven, yet I whip myself forever for the tiniest of things. Its not healthy at all. And bitterness truly sucks, its like acid on the heart.

This shit wont last forever, it'll pass like it always does until it comes back again. I'm glad I have some place where to talk about it. <3

[Drew]

Ok, I need to vent. When I set sail towards the gender confusion land, I didn't expect things. I didn't know what to expect, not the good, not the bad, nor the ugly. I've been on this pink fog laced mind f*** trip for nearly two years now, actually longer if I could from the time it became evident that I have a problem which I MUST address or regret the rest of my days not delving into.

What I didn't expect is the mental tsunami of confusion, insecurity, boob envy, self awareness and all these things that are happening. Not the positives either to be honest. I knew it few years back that I HAVE to do something about myself, but it never crossed my mind that starting with little bit of boobs would come to this point where it feels like I'm walking in an unknown forest blindfolded where I know my goal but not the path to it.

Last two weeks or so have been specially tough on me. Winters suck, I have too much time to sit on my arse and overthink. I always think and analyze things to the smallest detail and I tend to do it from the point of a stupidly aware perfectionist. Its not wise at all as on its worse, it leads to bitterness, cynicism and a burning need to buy a rope, tie it to a tree above a well, bite a cyanide capsule while lighting myself on fire and jumping down the well. I dunno wth is wrong with me, other than having clear depression symptoms. Some days are good, some are fine, and the last two weeks or so, I've went up and down, zig-zag rollercoaster all the time. Today was no different.

Today's overthinking issue is how unfair the boobieland is, how unfair the whole bleepin' world is. On a website I often mention, I saw this woman who has probably the biggest natural boobs I have ever seen, apparently there is no cup size big enough for her.... And it sure looks that way. My jaw dropped. I can only think of one or two from the adult industry who have something like that and I think this one out of this world woman has more. And then it hit me, the most insidiously disheartening boob envy in the world, along with the realization of how unfair things always seem to be. Here I am, going through a lot of trouble to grow a pair, and ironically doing better than a lot of others with the same 'mission'. And then bang! Out of the woodwork comes another example of some (questionably) lucky girl who has enough boobs to fill out ten pairs of full G cups. How in the *bleep* is that supposed to be fair? I could give endless examples from out there, endless... But on bodily matters I think this stuff is the most glaringly obvious. Specially in the culture we (at least I?) live in where size is such an unhealthy obsession. Something I fall victim to all the time. And others too.

I hate to envy someone, I really do. I wish I somehow had the strength and wisdom to push that kind of lowly thinking aside, but I just can't help it. Specially about boobs its ridiculous, I hear constant praise about my progress, hell, I should be happy, so much so that I would feel pride and had my head so full of piss its pouring out of my ears... But no way, my mind messes it up, the little voice on my shoulder keeps on telling me how I am nothing and fail everything, no matter what. Which is obviously false way of thinking which leads to nowhere good.

And this isn't the most pressing issue I have right now, but that's a matter of another long rant for some other shitty day. This post has gotten long enough so I'll cut long story short and end it here.

Old demons die hard.

Didi it passes and your not alone it happens to a lot of us. Embarrassingly most here have witnessed my own meltdown, doubt, envy, overthinking things, insecurity and the list is endless. Hormones will effect us not just physically but, yeah I'm still having problems with it but it gets better as you learn to accept and deal with the changes. It's not easy, I know. For me it was/is trying to block out the feelings of becoming over emotional, sensitive, weak and vulnerable. Using an inner extreme aggression to combat those feeling didn't work very well. That's not me, not now.
Some of us will go through these phases, feel for you as I personally know how difficult it can be. You will get through it

[Heaven's Night]

Thanks Drew. <3 Such kind words. I know you have perspective in this.

My issues which are now flaring up, the old demons that die hard... Its not just a phase as this kind of shit I've been venting about is very typical for me, it used to be. Guess when? Yep. In my late teens & early twenties. Its ridiculous, I thought I'd go through the emotional mess of that age only once, but it seems that now I'm experiencing the other side of the coin somehow. Its both wonderful and painful as Bleepeti-bleepin-bleep.

I'm just back home from work and now its time to dance to forget and forgive, I'm gonna get drunk, meet a friend and log off for the rest of the evening. I think I need it, I need to open all the doors and windows and let the lovely winter blizzard blow through the house. (We have a blizzard going on for the second day now, tons of snow, bitter biting wind, temperatures dropping into -24 centigrade in the next 24 hours.) I need to zero out, draw a blank. Its long overdue.

Time to slay some demons. I think boobiefairy has been visiting, its been a wobbly cold day. Here's a pic from few days ago.

[Alexis P]

Thanks Drew. <3 Such kind words. I know you have perspective in this.

My issues which are now flaring up, the old demons that die hard... Its not just a phase as this kind of shit I've been venting about is very typical for me, it used to be. Guess when? Yep. In my late teens & early twenties. Its ridiculous, I thought I'd go through the emotional mess of that age only once, but it seems that now I'm experiencing the other side of the coin somehow. Its both wonderful and painful as Bleepeti-bleepin-bleep.

I'm just back home from work and now its time to dance to forget and forgive, I'm gonna get drunk, meet a friend and log off for the rest of the evening. I think I need it, I need to open all the doors and windows and let the lovely winter blizzard blow through the house. (We have a blizzard going on for the second day now, tons of snow, bitter biting wind, temperatures dropping into -24 centigrade in the next 24 hours.) I need to zero out, draw a blank. Its long overdue.

Time to slay some demons. I think boobiefairy has been visiting, its been a wobbly cold day. Here's a pic from few days ago.

Awww those boobies looks so cuute! Congrats DiDi, you are getting better and better everyday!

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such pain lately, i can relate to it. I don't know what to say to help, i also get emotional sometimes and everything get crushed by some aggression to cover it. I can't forget all the weird and uncomfortable moments and constantly remember them like it was yesterday, even more clear than good memories. Waking up worse than the previous day is something i unfortunately know too.

I hope you get a lot of fun today and all the sadness and low mood goes away! You deserve some quality time DiDi! 

[myboobs]

You express a fascinating revelation.  The voice on your shoulder is not the true and pure expression of you.  The lowly voice that promotes a false way of thinking is an energetic attachment which masquerades as your own thinking, and intrudes as if it were.  It is an energetic phenomenon which grows stronger with regular feeding, but weaker through the discipline of not indulging in the thoughts it promotes.  The true beauty of you will express as the unique fulfillment of what your spirit is, the more that your energies are reserved for the feeding of your true spirit.  That is the wisdom I hear from what you have written.  Thank you.

Well said. 

Stay strong - jealousy, anxiety and depression all pass. And be gentle with yourself too - these feelings suck, but don’t reflect at all on you or life you’re choosing to live.

Kind words. <3 Thanks.

It jut crazy how emotional ups and downs can come and go like crazy, from sky high to rock bottom in a heartbeat. And good morning, I'm barely awake, I slept only few hours and feel generally like shit. I'll be a zombie all day if the old signs hold. At least my boobies are all flared up and puffy as heck. Pictures will wait, I'm not on the mood for that right now.

Diometres hit the nail in the head there. Gentle with myself... I wish I knew how to, I'm awful with my personal demands and expectations, I forgive nothing and never forget failure or humiliation. Its ironic, I can forgive others even such big mistakes which should never be forgiven, yet I whip myself forever for the tiniest of things. Its not healthy at all. And bitterness truly sucks, its like acid on the heart.

This shit wont last forever, it'll pass like it always does until it comes back again. I'm glad I have some place where to talk about it. <3

You need to believe in yourself. Often low esteem bring out these feelings and behaviours .meditate 
to calm your mind and you will see more clarity. Stay strong and don’t let negativity overrule overtake.

[wee2er]

You express a fascinating revelation.  The voice on your shoulder is not the true and pure expression of you.  The lowly voice that promotes a false way of thinking is an energetic attachment which masquerades as your own thinking, and intrudes as if it were.  It is an energetic phenomenon which grows stronger with regular feeding, but weaker through the discipline of not indulging in the thoughts it promotes.  The true beauty of you will express as the unique fulfillment of what your spirit is, the more that your energies are reserved for the feeding of your true spirit.  That is the wisdom I hear from what you have written.  Thank you.

Well said. 

Stay strong - jealousy, anxiety and depression all pass. And be gentle with yourself too - these feelings suck, but don’t reflect at all on you or life you’re choosing to live.

Kind words. <3 Thanks.

It jut crazy how emotional ups and downs can come and go like crazy, from sky high to rock bottom in a heartbeat. And good morning, I'm barely awake, I slept only few hours and feel generally like shit. I'll be a zombie all day if the old signs hold. At least my boobies are all flared up and puffy as heck. Pictures will wait, I'm not on the mood for that right now.

Diometres hit the nail in the head there. Gentle with myself... I wish I knew how to, I'm awful with my personal demands and expectations, I forgive nothing and never forget failure or humiliation. Its ironic, I can forgive others even such big mistakes which should never be forgiven, yet I whip myself forever for the tiniest of things. Its not healthy at all. And bitterness truly sucks, its like acid on the heart.

This shit wont last forever, it'll pass like it always does until it comes back again. I'm glad I have some place where to talk about it. <3

You need to believe in yourself. Often low esteem bring out these feelings and behaviours .meditate 
to calm your mind and you will see more clarity. Stay strong and don’t let negativity overrule overtake.

Hi DiDI, I agree completely with Myboobs, get those windows open, let that blizzard take those negative thoughts straight out off the other window, stay strong PS: such cute and wonderful breast you have x

[Heaven's Night]

You need to believe in yourself. Often low esteem bring out these feelings and behaviours .meditate 
to calm your mind and you will see more clarity. Stay strong and don’t let negativity overrule overtake.

Easy to say, insanely difficult to do...

I got drunk last night, really drunk. Enough to forget some details, like where in the heck have I lost my phone to. I must find it, its so forced upon, there's things I can not do without my phone. I hate this dependency. Its somewhere indoor as it still has power, but its on silent. I should somehow contact my friends so they could look for it. Oh and I got their rehearsal room keys here, forgot them into my pocket as I came home. Can't call them to let them know and none of them are online it seems.

One of my friends said a shitty comment about my boobs last night. I misinterpreted him and got pissed off. :/ Apparently he meant it as indirect encouragement and I took it for him just taking a piss. So typical of me, crazy overthinking and always in the negative way. I can't help it... Too much bad experience + tough time for a while + booze.

At least I got to totally reset my mind. And a hangover.

[Stevenator.]

Six meals to cure a hangover. Liquids, aspirin, electrolytes, good greasy food, cheeseburgers, scrambled cheese eggs and bacon/sausage, hash brown potatoes. Damn I’m getting hungry. LoL. I’m at the point now where a good drunk will give me horrible acid reflux and sour stomach days on end afterwards. I basically stopped drinking when hangovers were lasting four days. I made several batches of homemade hooch this past summer. It had to have been 20%+ alcohol content. Twice the hangover was four days and that was too much. It definitely was high-test. 

Good luck finding the phone. Booze warps sensibilities and perceptions. Hang in there.