Perhaps I should start a new thread for it, but what the heck, I want to rant a bit. I want to complain and whine and get all this nasty stupid mental shitstorm off my mind for good. (Or at least for now.)
In last days we've had terrible weather, hail, rain, snow, cold winds, everything that makes any outdoors activity a pain in the ass. So I have been spending more time indoors than is good for my sanity. Most of the time being bored and online of course. I could make up a lot to do, if I got into it so this is all my fault. Normally I would make a blog post about this kind of stuff on that body part show off, ego tripping bullshit picture gallery site I go to. But as that's part of the reason for this rant, I prefer to do it elsewhere. I would get flamed to high heaven, would I post this there.
That website is a mixed bag, some times its really fun, I even found my girlfriend there which on its own is insanely lucky, needly from a haystack, or a decent woman from a whore gallery. That's not even far from the truth as one of the most annoying "features" they have there is sponsoring... Nice Orwellian term for selling what ever. The demographic of that website is eff'd up to put it mildly. It used to be better back in the day, so I've heard. But there's this problem of men outnumbering women about 10:1. And from the women, most are there to sell something. So this makes things kind of tricky, well not for me, I already found the best possible friend imaginable so I'm not there to look for company, with the exception of nice people to chat with. They are there, just bit hard to find... But there's a problem, I'm bi sexual, more oriented towards women. To think of it, if I would transition, I guess I would be 90% lesbian in that case.
Anyway, I very very rarely get any comments or discussion going on with ladies, most of the time its not a problem. Also since I began to post boobie pics etc. "came out", most gay men have left me alone, nothing against them really, I got some totally awesome gay friends, but to get attention from almost one small group of people can get tedious. Specially when they almost all the time just try to get laid. Now that I'm being me over there, I have effectively nullified my chances for easy communication with most people. Its not that bad on the other hand because I'm exclusive about friends, I want to be surrounded with my kind of people and I'm an oddball, big time, so my friends tend to be more or less weird too and that's fine.
What really gets me about this website is that its just like any other social media, the only difference is the concept of posting nude pics, most of the time no faces, nicknames instead of IRL ones, communication starting upside down compared to normal... But then everything else is just like Facebook for example. Everyone is faking! Everyone is painting a rosy picture of themselves, using all the fakery you can do with pictures. Photoshop, filters, camera angles, lighting, make-up, every trick in the book you can think of depending on skill and time the person has. You know the drill, post stuff that makes your life look awesome and a constant highlight of greatness. We all know these people. This website also brings out the good, the bad and the ugly of human nature and our personalities... And all the sweet lies we tell. And it also digs up my worst sides if I spend too much time there, I'll get to this in a second.
The sweet lies... How many times have you heard a woman say that size doesn't matter? Just how many? I bet so many that its impossible to count... Let those same women loose on a naked, faceless anonymous website and at least every other will be drooling over guys with huge cocks in minutes, as if they're horny teenagers with a single functioning brain cell. And yet size does not matter? Men aren't any better, gays do the same with donkey dick dudes all the time. And size doesn't matter. Straight guys aren't any better, they go after women with huge boobs and what not, no need to guess how smart they behave? And the size doesn't still matter? Right?? It seems that given the anonymity, at least 70% of all people turn into moronic horny teenagers no matter what they are in real life. They behave so brainless and driven by their primal urges its as if they all devolve into horny idiots when let loose online without much fear of loosing face for it. In real life, almost none of them would say the things they do. In real life, the size doesn't really mater that much because people aren't given the platform to show their over grown body parts like its their new car.
This really pisses me off! But I may have a different approach on looking at pictures there, not just for getting a boner... So I guess, I just don't understand that well the primal idiot side of things. The point I'm making is that the western "civilisation", our beloved bullshit culture gives such a warped ideas on what's what. And its totally bi-polar too, a woman in one setting says that size wont matter, but when her not so huge boyfriend isn't watching, she's browsing a website drooling a donkey dick moron like an idiot. And speaking of doneky dicks, these guys who are (questionably) lucky by having to too bg for their own good are insanely lucky... They don't need brain, they can be ugly as heck, all they need is a platform to slap that donkey thing around and people will flock around them like they're the second coming. Same goes on with ladies, anyone with sufficiently out of proportions hourglass shape will get people around them no matter how ugly or stupid they are. Its so so unfair that I don't have words strong enough to describe it. Of course this all tells a tale about the culture we live in, and even more so about how shallow, dumb, useless pile of doo-doo most people are, how the most primal instinct is ten times more potent than anything else.
Ok that's about the funtamental flaws of that website and how fucking total retard morons people tend to be when given the chance. Now to the more personal part of this, when I started pm not even a month ago, little did I expect it to so completely re-write my mental issues, or actually it removed a lot of it. I'm not free of problems, who would be, but I never expected a hormonal change to almost eradicate all the sides of me that I do not like. One of which is envy. (You can probably start guessing why the above mentioned website some times really pisses me off.) It was gone, I didn't give a damn about what others have that I don't as I was finally able to see how pretty I can be and how nice it is to live in this body. Another is lack of confidence. I have never had a confidence of steel, I was bullied badly when I was kid which left its scars... Other things happened into which I'm not going in right now. No confidence issues what so ever, this was a huge surprise. Third one is being too harsh on myself, this is a big one. I have never allowed failure to myself and any time I fail myself somehow, I get stuck with the thought and whip myself about failures forever. This also was gone, finally I was able to forgive myself for not being perfect and always succeeding on everything. Besides its impossible, there is no perfect person who never fails in anything. That just does not exist, so why be so unforgiving?
I could go on a lot longer, but this post is already way too long... The point is that PM seems to completely rewire my mind in so positive ways I could have never imagined before. I thought I was doomed to live with all this mental bullshit for the rest of my life. How in heck does a hormone balance shift be able to change so much in so little time? This last week, being time off has brought all my usual issues back with a vengeance and for the first time in my life I have perspective to see how fucked up my mind can be and that there's a way out of it. And now I also see how insignificant a lot of my problems have been, in the way that they only exist in my own mind and can be dealt with. Its taken 36 years of this life to get to this point, a lot of trieal and error and a shift in hormone balance to realise. If I would go my old mental path now, I would start to whip myself for being so blind and dumb that I didn't realise this before. The answer to a better life and peace of mind has been in front of me all my life and it took so long to get to it. There's more than I said, there's always more...
Speaking of which, I noogled for three hours yesterday, as a test to see how close I can go, I tried it on after each hour and kept getting closer and closer.. Here's a pic after the third hour, I pushed the cup to show how much space is still there... And I got pretty darn close. One size less would be a perfect fit.
