I really appreciate the replies I've received. I feel somewhat better knowing that I'm not alone in the way my body is responding or in facing the struggles.

How far do you think PM can actually take me down this road? To me, at least, my body's sensitivity assures me that my GD/TS is indeed real and I crave the estrogen that PM simulates, but I had thought that in order to see substantial changes I would need to be undergoing actual pharma HRT under the case of a physician.

I'm going to ask for another blood panel in a few weeks. I'm curious what it will show. When I last asked for the tests my free T was virtually non-existent (even lower than a bio-female's). My doctor wanted me to visit an endo for more tests but I never did.

This morning, however, I'm feeling much more comfortable in my female skin.

Misty

Something occurred to me the other day that frightened me quite a bit. I was standing in front of a full-length mirror after showering and I realized that my body (from the neck down) looks decidedly more female than male.

Hello Misty.

Yes, I've had similar experiences. When I'm wearing a t-shirt and I look down at my chest, I see a female chest, not a male one. I'm not so sure about my waist and hips, but I suspect female clothing tends to be a better fit for me than males items. I'm also not taking an anti-androgen or using phrama HRT. I've haven't been losing weight, but if I did, I suspect I would have similar results as you.

I don't think you're being paranoid in the slightest. I believe it's been discussed elsewhere, but I think using PM is a partial form of transitioning. Maybe having an androgynous appearance would be the ideal compromise for continuing your pm intake and not upsetting your personal circumstances? So long as you as you have a masculine voice and avoid having a feminine hairstyle or using makeup, do you think it's feasible to continue presenting as a male?

I had thought that in order to see substantial changes I would need to be undergoing actual pharma HRT under the case of a physician.

My experience so far (10 weeks on pharma) is that the feminization is more complete than what you get with just PM, particularly the devlopment of the female brain. You won't be happy going half way. That's just me, though.

Clara

Misty, no one can know where this will all take you, and not even you...not right now. As far as trying to chart a course, we all have different paths. Only you can really know what your situation is, what is important, and what is in your heart at each point.
I can tell you the majority of ts girls I have spoken to all say the same thing...do not transition further than you must. You will know when and if you cannot stand to not go further. The best choice is, they all say, when there is no longer a choice, when it is transition or die. Sorry to sound dramatic, but transition is not for the feint of heart. Lol
Of course, that said, it is obviously easier for some than others. For those of us with families and spouses and responsibilities to others it is super crazy hard. And, Clara is quite right...these hormones, whatever form, will affect your mind slowly, and may take you further than you ever expected. Really.
My only advice is take things slowly and carefully, considering everything and going only as far as you know you must.
Life is a series of tough choices and compromises.
I really wish you all the best, sweet heart.
Maybe, for now, just a lower dosage? See how it goes?
Hugs
Sammie

Yes, I've had similar experiences. When I'm wearing a t-shirt and I look down at my chest, I see a female chest, not a male one. I'm not so sure about my waist and hips, but I suspect female clothing tends to be a better fit for me than males items.

Hi Flame,

Thanks for chiming in! It's long been the case that female clothes fit me better than male ones (I was born with an ample booty that few men share). It's becoming more so now as fat redistributes and my breasts grow.

So long as you as you have a masculine voice and avoid having a feminine hairstyle or using makeup, do you think it's feasible to continue presenting as a male?

My voice is unchanged but has never been overly masculine (definitely a tenor). My face is undoubtedly male. There is no way my face would pass for female without FFS. So I *should* be able to pass as male with the right clothing choices. It's just becoming harder to do so.

My wife hasn't commented on the changes for a while (not since she blurted out that my boobs were bigger than hers) but she has to notice. I hope that since the changes are gradual and she sees me everyday that shes not overly surprised and is not seeing them as dramatic.

Misty

My experience so far (10 weeks on pharma) is that the feminization is more complete than what you get with just PM, particularly the devlopment of the female brain. You won't be happy going half way. That's just me, though.

Well that sort of makes me feel better (and sort of not)! That reconfirms my belief that PM isn't going to take me as far as pharma but leaves me wondering if I'll eventually find myself unsatisfied and desire to go much farther. I'm afraid my wife won't be as understanding as yours... we love each other dearly but full transition (and living as a woman) is more than I think she could accept.

Thank you for the unique insight!

Misty

My only advice is take things slowly and carefully, considering everything and going only as far as you know you must.

Thanks, Sammie. That is good advice. I am very glad that I have this forum with so many sympathetic ears...

Misty

also, it has oddly either gotten worse or I have lost the tolerance I had built up to it over the years, not sure which it is.

Sometimes I get that feeling too (but it usually goes away). In my case I suspect that not every bottle of Ainterol PM is the same since they don't use a standardized extract.

At other times the "male" inside me starts to rebel and I think "what am I doing???" -- but those thoughts are extremely rare.

Misty

Just an FYI by "it" i meant the GD, posted that late at night.

If I remember Correctly Issabelle once posted that if you get those kinds of thoughts it is a sign your hormones are unballanced to being almost are in E dominance.

I really appreciate the replies I've received. I feel somewhat better knowing that I'm not alone in the way my body is responding or in facing the struggles.

-Misty

That's why we are all here in the first place.

My only advice is take things slowly and carefully, considering everything and going only as far as you know you must.

Thanks, Sammie. That is good advice. I am very glad that I have this forum with so many sympathetic ears...

Misty

also why most/all of us are here.

I can tell you the majority of ts girls I have spoken to all say the same thing...do not transition further than you must. You will know when and if you cannot stand to not go further. The best choice is, they all say, when there is no longer a choice, when it is transition or die.

I've heard this advice, too, but I have to admit that I don't really understand it. I know that transition is very difficult, can be painful, and very expensive all possible reasons to not transition. I never understood the suicide factor, though. Personally, I have never contemplated suicide.

I think I might be able to stop right where I am and just be content as a part-time crossdresser. But, there's something very strong pulling me forward. The feeling I have by making my external appearance more closely resemble my mental self-image is very powerful. I want to bring the two into alignment, but I wouldn't say that slipping back to drab mode is upsetting. It just doesn't feel right even though I've dressed that way all my life.

When I revert back to male mode, it's getting to feel like I'm cross-dressing as a male to satisfy the world's expectation of what I should look and act like. Why should I do that? Well, of course there are reasons, but they're not because I shouldn't transition any further than I have to. I could put up with living as a man for better than half time, but why should I if living as woman full-time would make me happier? Or would it? Have I created a grand illusion about that? Someone please explain.

I've started wearing nail polish in man mode to see how I and the people around me react. I love to have my nails painted, so why shouldn't I do it? Do I get dirty looks? Not yet. Do I get questioned? Not yet. Do people wonder about me? Probably. So what? If the nail polish works out, what's to stop me from wearing ear rings? What's to stop me from wearing a sports bra -- heck, I already do that.

What might very well stop me from transitioning beyond some point will be either my wife setting a limit, or the cost of all the body modifications becoming unaffordable. At this point I don't know if either will become an issue, and no one is forcing me to make a decision right now.

I guess what I'm saying is that once the primary symptoms of GD are relieved by taking estrogen, which necessarily begins the feminization process, how far do I want to continue that process? Am I a transsexual or a transgenderist? I can't say, and I don't think I care. I will say that I'll stop when I stop for whatever reason I decide to stop. That's as much as can be accurately said for any transgender I would think.

Clara

Clara, I understand what you are saying, and in your case it makes perfect sense. And this is not to in any way deny the intellectual and emotional struggles you have and do and will face, But for most people facing transition, I think the the situation may be more complicated. You enjoy a financial security not reliant upon the approval of others who may look negatively on girls like us. You have a wife who seems supportive and willing to go the distance to ensure your happiness. And you and I and others like us are now in the third act of our lives with not nearly so many years ahead to be concerned about. You have some very important advantages. And on top of that, as is my situation as well, we spent a lifetime able to, to one degree or another, cope with our GID. I am guessing that there are plenty of girls whose GID is way stronger and less manageable. And I am certain there are many with far more troubling personal relationship issues, financial and work issues, and in environments far less conducive to transition. I believe it is to this vast majority of girls that the advice is tendered. For many, at least as I see it, the transition path is strewn with life altering and often devastating obstacles, and really should be considered seriously and not embarked upon lightly or without the most powerful and undeniable need.
Again, I dont mean to underestimate the difficulties for anyone, least of all you, sis. Just pointing out there are many whose difficulties make ours pale in comparison. I regularly remember the girl I drove to see her doctor whose transition had lost her everything in the world and left her literally homeless.
This is no easy thing for any of us. But for some it is way harder than for others.
My heart breaks for all of them. We, none of us, asked for this, did we?

Hugs

Sammie