04-05-2024, 01:02 PM
My feelings of being an outsider just keep on getting stronger... And I'm seeing the way out of it too. Lot has happened since about last summer, I've come so far in less than a year and a lot has to be said about it. I'm hoping this to be helpful for eggs lurking the forum and trans women who are in their process already, oldies already know, but newbies, this is something you should read and consider what is to come as a lot of my exprience is universal trans person stuff and stuff any minority women will face, inluding people of colour, anyone with disabilities, GNC women, anyone who stands out of the norms, but in particular trans women.
Most cis people will never get you. Most people from your old life will never get you. Best they can offer is surface level acceptance, but don't lull yourself to sleep that it means understanding because 99% of them never will. They will always other you somehow, most do it subconsciously, they don't mean it bad, they can't help themselves. No matter how much you change, some people never ever get it. A lot of them will given the time and the reasons are so superficial and shallow its disheartening.
People are shallow. Its face value, looks, perceptions that shape their attitudes, not empathy or being smart. There will be exceptions, but majority of cis people will never get it, never. We can try to educate and to explain how this works and still it can only go so far. It hurts, but there's nothing we can do about it other than live with it.
The way to normal peaceful life is to stealth. Cis passing is still a requirement no matter what some trenders say, its all nice words, but the reality is, to be taken seriously, let alone accepted, you have to cis pass. More perfect it is, better people will treat you. Cold hard facts. Ever since about last summer, after I was two years on HRT, especially after body contouring surgery and last about six months, I've been completely stealth in publis and to all new people who don't know my past and the difference in attitudes is night and day amazing! I get treated with such respect now its crazy. And taken seriously outside of situations where I have to out myself or when I'm dealing with traditionally male territory of things.
And guess what, pretty privilege is very very real. Better you present yourself, more you fit into dumb fuck beauty standards, better people will treat you. More fem you look the better. Bigger boobs and thicker hips work wonders, feminine voice does it too, good taste with pretty clothing and makeup make a HUGE difference on how you're treated! People are petty as fuck, they're shallow as a puddle. It sucks, but that's how it works. I've made giant leaps on how I get treated in public in just few short months, from body changes and surgery results to learning makeup, its been an eye opener. Its riduclous because as a feminist I'm against following traditional roles and fitting in to beauty standards and such, but I can't deny its power on people. Its not my personality, I've been the same person mostly all my life. So what else has changed in last bit less than a year? My voice and appearance has! Nto even body language as I am who I am, I haven't changed that conbsciously at all, I just exist. But my face is more fem, I'm becoming very curvy and I've tried to learn to present myself better and its changing everything.
My plan of becoming almost fully stealth is also starting to come true. At some point I will remove all or nearly all social media presence. I will remove almost all people from my old life except for few loved ones and bandmates. I'm planning to disppear online from nearly everything for an extended time once I feel like I'm coming close to finishline. As I can't do the entire reqrite of my whole life, this is second best option. If I could, I would absolutely do the old fashion way of moving to another place, cut almost all ties to my past and start a new life. Partially it has happened already and I'm eager to get further. No worries here though, I will stay on BN as I feel I'm needed here and its serving a purpose for me. I don't have any other internet place to talk about this, let alone NBE and I think this forum is small and secluded enough to feel safe here. Unlike Reddit or any social media out there...
Its cynical, but I'm an outsider, as long as anyone sees me as "trans" something, the other me so I'm always shut away. The moment I stealth and exist as a cis woman to others, I become normal, accepted and get treated with respect. Just yesterday when I was out for my laser session, visiting pharmacy was so nice. Some older gentleman RUSHED to open the door for me which he had just let go a moment earlier. Did it with such smile and all. The pharmacist was nice to me, the lady at the shop I picked up a parcel was all smiles and super nice, I could list so much of this. Including my girlfriends mother who's super nice with me and to her I'm just a woman. My landlady, my new neighbours don't know anything and treat me so well. None of this happens when ever people know about my past. None of this happened when I didn't pass with such perfection.
Social price of transition can be harsh, it feels to me that its the saddest part of this. Biggest price I've paid. But all this new interaction with people who see me as a cis woman is just lovely. Its exactly what I dreamed it to be once I start to comfortably pass as just a normal woman. They even overlook my androgynous features, they don't give a damn about my height and all things that don't fit in because enough of me does. Perception is everything, passing is detrimental and should be a goal. Stealth is another goal, nobody needs to know except for the closest people. I'm not strong enough to live openly as something "other than" anyway, I'm a woman and this is the way I get treated as a woman. I'm hoping that people who knew me from before will start forgetting I ever transitioned. I'm sure some of them will in time. Others are just a lost cause and they will become irrelevant. Also, chosen family is the one that matters.
Most cis people will never get you. Most people from your old life will never get you. Best they can offer is surface level acceptance, but don't lull yourself to sleep that it means understanding because 99% of them never will. They will always other you somehow, most do it subconsciously, they don't mean it bad, they can't help themselves. No matter how much you change, some people never ever get it. A lot of them will given the time and the reasons are so superficial and shallow its disheartening.
People are shallow. Its face value, looks, perceptions that shape their attitudes, not empathy or being smart. There will be exceptions, but majority of cis people will never get it, never. We can try to educate and to explain how this works and still it can only go so far. It hurts, but there's nothing we can do about it other than live with it.
The way to normal peaceful life is to stealth. Cis passing is still a requirement no matter what some trenders say, its all nice words, but the reality is, to be taken seriously, let alone accepted, you have to cis pass. More perfect it is, better people will treat you. Cold hard facts. Ever since about last summer, after I was two years on HRT, especially after body contouring surgery and last about six months, I've been completely stealth in publis and to all new people who don't know my past and the difference in attitudes is night and day amazing! I get treated with such respect now its crazy. And taken seriously outside of situations where I have to out myself or when I'm dealing with traditionally male territory of things.
And guess what, pretty privilege is very very real. Better you present yourself, more you fit into dumb fuck beauty standards, better people will treat you. More fem you look the better. Bigger boobs and thicker hips work wonders, feminine voice does it too, good taste with pretty clothing and makeup make a HUGE difference on how you're treated! People are petty as fuck, they're shallow as a puddle. It sucks, but that's how it works. I've made giant leaps on how I get treated in public in just few short months, from body changes and surgery results to learning makeup, its been an eye opener. Its riduclous because as a feminist I'm against following traditional roles and fitting in to beauty standards and such, but I can't deny its power on people. Its not my personality, I've been the same person mostly all my life. So what else has changed in last bit less than a year? My voice and appearance has! Nto even body language as I am who I am, I haven't changed that conbsciously at all, I just exist. But my face is more fem, I'm becoming very curvy and I've tried to learn to present myself better and its changing everything.
My plan of becoming almost fully stealth is also starting to come true. At some point I will remove all or nearly all social media presence. I will remove almost all people from my old life except for few loved ones and bandmates. I'm planning to disppear online from nearly everything for an extended time once I feel like I'm coming close to finishline. As I can't do the entire reqrite of my whole life, this is second best option. If I could, I would absolutely do the old fashion way of moving to another place, cut almost all ties to my past and start a new life. Partially it has happened already and I'm eager to get further. No worries here though, I will stay on BN as I feel I'm needed here and its serving a purpose for me. I don't have any other internet place to talk about this, let alone NBE and I think this forum is small and secluded enough to feel safe here. Unlike Reddit or any social media out there...
Its cynical, but I'm an outsider, as long as anyone sees me as "trans" something, the other me so I'm always shut away. The moment I stealth and exist as a cis woman to others, I become normal, accepted and get treated with respect. Just yesterday when I was out for my laser session, visiting pharmacy was so nice. Some older gentleman RUSHED to open the door for me which he had just let go a moment earlier. Did it with such smile and all. The pharmacist was nice to me, the lady at the shop I picked up a parcel was all smiles and super nice, I could list so much of this. Including my girlfriends mother who's super nice with me and to her I'm just a woman. My landlady, my new neighbours don't know anything and treat me so well. None of this happens when ever people know about my past. None of this happened when I didn't pass with such perfection.
Social price of transition can be harsh, it feels to me that its the saddest part of this. Biggest price I've paid. But all this new interaction with people who see me as a cis woman is just lovely. Its exactly what I dreamed it to be once I start to comfortably pass as just a normal woman. They even overlook my androgynous features, they don't give a damn about my height and all things that don't fit in because enough of me does. Perception is everything, passing is detrimental and should be a goal. Stealth is another goal, nobody needs to know except for the closest people. I'm not strong enough to live openly as something "other than" anyway, I'm a woman and this is the way I get treated as a woman. I'm hoping that people who knew me from before will start forgetting I ever transitioned. I'm sure some of them will in time. Others are just a lost cause and they will become irrelevant. Also, chosen family is the one that matters.