26-09-2023, 09:32 AM
I need to get this off my chest for real. I don't want to mess up my main thread with all the ramblings about transition and my place socially both online and in real life. So I rather start a new thread for getting all this pain out in some more constructive way that doesn't divert my main thread too much. I kinda wish to keep it as positive as I can anyway.
I've been on HRT for bit over twenty seven months, tranisioning for about three years or so as I started transition socially way before jumping to HRT train. This time has been kinda odd mixed bag of happy changes and disappointment and pain. I have become quite cynical and disillusined about the kind of transition that was sold to me. Mine is nothing like it. Its not awesome, its not fun a lot of the times, its slow painful grind and it takes much more work than I ever thought it would. Both external and internal.
Cynical because I've learned even better than ever before how shitty assholes most people are. Cis people in particular, but trans people are not much better either. I was already quite misanthropic and held no high regard for most people and the majority have proven how useless waste of breathe they are. A lot of those who I considered my friends have shown to be shallow intolerant assholes who do not put in an ounce of effort to learn what transition means and what makes us tick. I stopped to matter to them, these people have one by one faded away from my life, mostly without any drama, some showing their true colours the very moment I came out as a trans woman to them. I already knew I'm a person for one out of ten rather than some popular "people person", but nothing else has brought it up as clearly as my transition has. I believe this tells more of others rather than myself because I haven't changed personalitites, just stopped suppressing some sides of who I really am. Without my fiancé, my girlfriend and few close (mostly online) friends I would be very lonely. I don't mind I guess, I rather have one good friend instead of twenty assholes to whom I become a persona non grata the moment I stop faking a man.
Disillusioned because transition is hard work, its exhausting and brings out previous mental health problems in a whole new light and dealing with this is painful. There's no fucking glory in this. Its not amazing new life with everything magically becoming better, its slow unthankful grind of difficulties and being tired, having to fight for every bit of change and most of that I've done on my own. Luckily I've had several amazing people on my way to help me out by leaps, some of whom participate here on BN.
I couldn't have made it this far without these angels that have shown up on my path. 
But the kind of magical awesome transition that was sold to me was a lie. Its all bullshit to not scare off eggs from starting out. I didn't get amazing new social circle, a social life of a normal woman, no, none of that. I haven't got the body of my dreams, but I'm well on the way to it. Life suddenly didn't become better and awesome, while my body has become absolutely lovely, I have lost on social life a lot. I used to have pretty privilege, a male version of that. I didn't even realise what happened until I lost it.
I have gone from conventionally attractive, sexy and handsome guy into a "mediocre" woman. I've been called average, "nice", cute, all this bullshit that is told to uglyor very average women.... I was never just "ok, nice, average, decent" as a guy, I was always called handsome, beautiful, hot, attractive and so on. Superlative praise for my looks has stopped. I guess as a woman I'm just ugly, I'm too big and bluky, too fat, too androgynous and what else? I can't see myself for how I really am, I need external input for that thanks to body dysmorphia.
Speaking of not feeling woman enough. I'm almost certain now that I'm done with Nexus forum. I don't feel welcome, my thread is being largely ignored... All while I feel less than others over there. I'm big, fat, ugly piece of crap next to them. I feel much more welcome here where I'm being noticed and liked and people come to actually talk with me. Here I don't feel like I'm just alone screaming into the void. Its somehow ironic, I thought ladies side of the forum would take me in as one of their own? Instead mostly all I got is silence... Funny how our side of the forum is so much more active and feels much more friendly and open minded. I'll take it, I guess this is my NBE haven online after all? Despite me feeling a bit alien as I'm definitely not a guy who wants boobs, but a woman with a birth defect. Anyway I feel much more at home here. At least I'm not ignored and pushed aside here. And maybe in here I'm woman enough despite not being some fucking perfect tiny pixie doll girl born with a silver spoon in her mouth? At least in here we don't have the problems of trans scene online, it seems that other trans ladies here are super nice and not the worst shallow pieces of shit like I've seen all over the internet in other places. I guess you can sense my resentment of the trans scene in general? As I mentioned earlier, to me its always a one out of ten kind of case, same applies to trans women too. A lot of them are kind of people I rather steer clear from, not much to relate to and when only common thing is transition, its not much to grab onto.
So where do I belong? I have never fit in to much anything. The only bunch who took me in was metal scene and that was because of my musical skills rather than personality... Other was artists, obviously because I share the passion for art. But that's about it. I don't fit into most trans communities, I'm not so much into activism, Pride stuff and so on as I feel more kin to intersex and cis women. But I don't fit in with cis women either. Some times they trigger my dysphoria too much and more often than not, they still keep on "othering" me and making sure I know I'm lesser and put me to "my place" somehow. Its disgusting and it pisses me off! Even best of allies seem to often fall into this... Truly accepting women are very few and most are transgender and or intersex who truly relate to me and accept me with mutual understanding.
By some weird twist of fate, our little community here on BN feels like one of the most accepting bunch I know of. Interesting knowing how diverse we are. Its a bit sad, how to find my place? I want to be seen and treated as just a normal woman, nothing more, nothing less. I don't want to be othered and made to seem like some weird third gender which I'm not. I just come with a crazy birth defect requiring a fix and quite unique life experience... Why should I be any more different than that?
Also I want to be and feel beautiful. Like not "nice, cute" kind but actually beautiful. Along with social acceptance and nuking my dysphoria to hell, becoming beautiful is one of those dreams the suppressed shy little girl had... Dreams that almost died but there appears to still be glimmer of hope for her. She slept far too long. But her cage has been broken already and nothing will hold her back. 
I've been on HRT for bit over twenty seven months, tranisioning for about three years or so as I started transition socially way before jumping to HRT train. This time has been kinda odd mixed bag of happy changes and disappointment and pain. I have become quite cynical and disillusined about the kind of transition that was sold to me. Mine is nothing like it. Its not awesome, its not fun a lot of the times, its slow painful grind and it takes much more work than I ever thought it would. Both external and internal.
Cynical because I've learned even better than ever before how shitty assholes most people are. Cis people in particular, but trans people are not much better either. I was already quite misanthropic and held no high regard for most people and the majority have proven how useless waste of breathe they are. A lot of those who I considered my friends have shown to be shallow intolerant assholes who do not put in an ounce of effort to learn what transition means and what makes us tick. I stopped to matter to them, these people have one by one faded away from my life, mostly without any drama, some showing their true colours the very moment I came out as a trans woman to them. I already knew I'm a person for one out of ten rather than some popular "people person", but nothing else has brought it up as clearly as my transition has. I believe this tells more of others rather than myself because I haven't changed personalitites, just stopped suppressing some sides of who I really am. Without my fiancé, my girlfriend and few close (mostly online) friends I would be very lonely. I don't mind I guess, I rather have one good friend instead of twenty assholes to whom I become a persona non grata the moment I stop faking a man.
Disillusioned because transition is hard work, its exhausting and brings out previous mental health problems in a whole new light and dealing with this is painful. There's no fucking glory in this. Its not amazing new life with everything magically becoming better, its slow unthankful grind of difficulties and being tired, having to fight for every bit of change and most of that I've done on my own. Luckily I've had several amazing people on my way to help me out by leaps, some of whom participate here on BN.
I couldn't have made it this far without these angels that have shown up on my path. But the kind of magical awesome transition that was sold to me was a lie. Its all bullshit to not scare off eggs from starting out. I didn't get amazing new social circle, a social life of a normal woman, no, none of that. I haven't got the body of my dreams, but I'm well on the way to it. Life suddenly didn't become better and awesome, while my body has become absolutely lovely, I have lost on social life a lot. I used to have pretty privilege, a male version of that. I didn't even realise what happened until I lost it. I have gone from conventionally attractive, sexy and handsome guy into a "mediocre" woman. I've been called average, "nice", cute, all this bullshit that is told to uglyor very average women.... I was never just "ok, nice, average, decent" as a guy, I was always called handsome, beautiful, hot, attractive and so on. Superlative praise for my looks has stopped. I guess as a woman I'm just ugly, I'm too big and bluky, too fat, too androgynous and what else? I can't see myself for how I really am, I need external input for that thanks to body dysmorphia.
Speaking of not feeling woman enough. I'm almost certain now that I'm done with Nexus forum. I don't feel welcome, my thread is being largely ignored... All while I feel less than others over there. I'm big, fat, ugly piece of crap next to them. I feel much more welcome here where I'm being noticed and liked and people come to actually talk with me. Here I don't feel like I'm just alone screaming into the void. Its somehow ironic, I thought ladies side of the forum would take me in as one of their own? Instead mostly all I got is silence... Funny how our side of the forum is so much more active and feels much more friendly and open minded. I'll take it, I guess this is my NBE haven online after all? Despite me feeling a bit alien as I'm definitely not a guy who wants boobs, but a woman with a birth defect. Anyway I feel much more at home here. At least I'm not ignored and pushed aside here. And maybe in here I'm woman enough despite not being some fucking perfect tiny pixie doll girl born with a silver spoon in her mouth? At least in here we don't have the problems of trans scene online, it seems that other trans ladies here are super nice and not the worst shallow pieces of shit like I've seen all over the internet in other places. I guess you can sense my resentment of the trans scene in general? As I mentioned earlier, to me its always a one out of ten kind of case, same applies to trans women too. A lot of them are kind of people I rather steer clear from, not much to relate to and when only common thing is transition, its not much to grab onto.
So where do I belong? I have never fit in to much anything. The only bunch who took me in was metal scene and that was because of my musical skills rather than personality... Other was artists, obviously because I share the passion for art. But that's about it. I don't fit into most trans communities, I'm not so much into activism, Pride stuff and so on as I feel more kin to intersex and cis women. But I don't fit in with cis women either. Some times they trigger my dysphoria too much and more often than not, they still keep on "othering" me and making sure I know I'm lesser and put me to "my place" somehow. Its disgusting and it pisses me off! Even best of allies seem to often fall into this... Truly accepting women are very few and most are transgender and or intersex who truly relate to me and accept me with mutual understanding.
By some weird twist of fate, our little community here on BN feels like one of the most accepting bunch I know of. Interesting knowing how diverse we are. Its a bit sad, how to find my place? I want to be seen and treated as just a normal woman, nothing more, nothing less. I don't want to be othered and made to seem like some weird third gender which I'm not. I just come with a crazy birth defect requiring a fix and quite unique life experience... Why should I be any more different than that?
Also I want to be and feel beautiful. Like not "nice, cute" kind but actually beautiful. Along with social acceptance and nuking my dysphoria to hell, becoming beautiful is one of those dreams the suppressed shy little girl had... Dreams that almost died but there appears to still be glimmer of hope for her. She slept far too long. But her cage has been broken already and nothing will hold her back.
