[Heaven's Night]

I didn't post this thread to pick apart my cynicism or any of my negative sides. I don't want to talk about guys who have mistreated me, I want to get over that as its mostly in past. Especially I don't want to dig into things I've said on bad days weeks or months ago. I made this thread so I can vent about transition related difficulties so my main thread wont be clogged with all the stuff that's somehow irrelevant to its main topic.

Then again, that cynicism about past has a lot to do with my feeling of being an outsider. I never fit in with guys at all, except for the bunch who share my creative passions. Years of being relentlessly bullied by a bunch of boys didn't help this either. I was a social outcast a lot of those times. Then later fit in to some extent and now after starting transition, I feel more alienated from everything than its ever been before. So its kinda on the sidelines anyway.

When I say I hate something, I usually mean that I hate in the moment... Having a bad day and feeling absolutely furious with something. Its not like I active keep on hating what ever because that would be massive waste of life and that rots the heart. I'm not like that. Maybe its language that does it, a lot of my English is me thinking in Finnish and translating as I go so some times the expression isn't quite there. And I have tendency to be outspoken and act before I think. Thank the weird brain wiring for that. Then some times I wonder, would I be better off being less open and just not talk? Some times writing stuff down on a forum is a great way to release it all to the void.