[Heaven's Night]

What strikes me is this need for external validation. Why exactly?
Why should you (or anyone) be so dependent on what someone else thinks of them? Why is a person's self-worth so dependent on that?
Not saying this isn't affecting many people (even myself), but as a philosophy, does it make sense?


The other thing that surprises me is how much anger you seem to have. Is there someone supportive you can talk to about that? I'm worried this might be a form of self-hate (not really self-hate since you identify as a woman, but maybe some remainder of your male identity that you have not yet let go? I don;t know how this stuff works - is this why you might feel like an outsider in Nexus?), that might not be healthy in the long run. This is from your post in May this year:

Men disgust me. They're fun to have sex with, but there's a lot of stuff about men that is just plain disgusting. And sex with guys is fun but its one dimensional and boring after a while. Also most men hate me, ghost me, reject me the moment I spill the beans about being trans. I do not stealth date men as that would be scary af. I was also assaulted and kinda "soft" raped year and half ago. Imagine how that made me feel about men? What happened to my cynicism and interest to have anything to do with the pigs.

I don't support misogyny (the hate for women).
I don't support misandry (the hate for men - we are not "pigs", and the social war on men must stop).

Is there a word for hate towards trans? If there is one, then I also don't support that behaviour. I was shocked to read yesterday that the UK band Eternal is not going to reband because some of the band members are transphobic and how much hate there is there.

Wishing you peace in your quest to work this out.

Simple, body dysmorphia, the inability to see myself how I really am. I some times think I see, but then it changes, some times within the same day... I literally cannot always see myself for how I really look like. Its an actual disorder, look it up. I have plenty of reasons why I have this problem. Past trauma and being bullied and shamed for my body has played a major part in it. And no, it can't be wished away.

Yes, much anger for sure and I have good reasons to be angry. Including my past because I was forced (by lack of information) into wasting half of a lifetime trying to fake being something I'm not.

I'm cynical about men. Most of pain I have had to endure have been their doing. Boys and men. Being bullied, it was +90% boys all the time. The sexual assault two years ago was obviously done by one. Bullying at work, again, men. I say this how I feel, I refuse to sugarcoat it. Some guys are awesome, many are insignificant and some are downright animals, abusers and bullies. But not all men. Not all. Just enough to make me not trust most guys until they show to be worth the trust. I've been mistreated enough.

That word would be transphobia.