[guy_and_lingerie]

Thank you, everyone, for your input. It's something I've been struggling with this since August when I sent it back. I thought after I had such a strong reaction that when I sent it back, the feels for wanting a feminine body would clear up, and yet since then, they've grown. I think about it more now that I've sent it back.

I will look into a therapist that helps with gender identity issues because it's getting unbearable. The only thing that kept me from going to a therapist was the fact that many of my friends who have transitioned said they were often asked what they visualized themselves as. I can't answer that question because I have aphantasia. I know that's not going to make or break a therapist's ability to help me, but it seems like for many I know body dysmorphia is primarily visual-based, whereas mine is just me feeling like it's wrong. I want very much to be a man with a woman's body. But I can't describe why because I do not see what I want, I just know what I fantasize about. I feel like a therapist would help, and yet for years, I fed myself reasons why it wouldn't work.

That's why I asked here because I keep not asking and just assuming. I've read many threads and saw some people stop and purge, but I didn't know if the feeling of dread like I had was what made those people stop.

I think that the fact that you have aphantasia makes a therapist even more valuable to achieve what you truly want.