13-01-2024, 03:24 AM
You can see the changes for sure
13-01-2024, 06:15 AM
My thought is you look better because you feel better and you have a better attitude.
13-01-2024, 09:24 AM
I think Janis Joplin was quite mundane looking. Not that I'm a beauty queen either. I wish I was. I just lack over the top masculinity and I have very good symmetry and facial harmony, but that's just math, its not enough. I wish I was actually beautiful and actually feminine looking. I had my dysphoria and insecurities triggered quite badly last night. The result is I didn't fall asleep for ages and slept very badly and woke up feeling horribly tired. I just can't be happy for too long or too much and every time I'm happy about myself, I get crushed somehow.... It never fails, it feels like a curse. 
I'm trying to get back into pumping a bit more, but I'm quite sure I can't do it... I'm already stretched so thin with all the routines I try to keep going. At least fasting and controlled diet is working easily. And I keep slimming down, its becoming visible in the mirror which is nice.
I'm trying to get back into pumping a bit more, but I'm quite sure I can't do it... I'm already stretched so thin with all the routines I try to keep going. At least fasting and controlled diet is working easily. And I keep slimming down, its becoming visible in the mirror which is nice.
13-01-2024, 10:47 AM
I really don't like to be compared to others... So if I have to be compared to someone, I wish I would be compared upwards in a a silly flattering way or something. I try to become beautiful, like for real. I suffer from really nasty dysphoria and messed up body image and I have ton of insecurities about my looks.
I'm not even conventionally attractive and I know it. I've been belittled and called mediocre and average so many times, I never forget those. I'm not content with being pretty "in my own way" or some other silly made up thing like that, I can't pat myself on the back and keep lying to myself about it, I'm far too disillusioned. I never forget these things, I remember one goddamn fucktard on the nude picture gallery site I used to post at saying, "Yuck! Mans head and woman's body, disgusting!" Said by a guy who makes a rotting corpse look nice. Fucking incel.
I guess I should just take everything and feel nothing, its my fault for putting myself out there in plain sight. I have such pressure to conform to cis female requirements, to beauty standards, to everything... I never fit in, I'm never good enough, I've been bullied extremely for my looks back in the day, my mother used to (And still does to this day.) humiliate me for my body and say nasty remarks about my hair and about being so fat (Which I never really was!) and what else. I have such weight of past trauma and insecurities on my back... It takes a lot to take pictures and show myself, especially my face which often I see being absolutely hideous. I really try, I try every day to make it somehow. And I want to become better, I have to or my mental health will completely crumble. I feel that I'm even too old for this, its like polishing a turd, desperate damage control to T ravaged aging body.
And it never fails to happen, every time I feel a bit happy about something, post stuff because I'm on a good mood, very soon something comes to make it absolutely clear that I get it, that I'm nothing... Last night was horrible, Reddit algorithm is a total bitch and its always there to shove something to my face which shatters my illusions. I avoid so much already, maybe I should just quit being online completely? I have so little life I'm chronically online anyway.
I just want to become feminine and pretty. Its the only thing I might have a tiny little chance at... My dreams are all just dumb silly naive stuff, things that the caged little girl dreamed of, but it feels its all for nothing because nothing that I do is ever enough, I'm never enough.
Vanitas vanitatum.
I'm not even conventionally attractive and I know it. I've been belittled and called mediocre and average so many times, I never forget those. I'm not content with being pretty "in my own way" or some other silly made up thing like that, I can't pat myself on the back and keep lying to myself about it, I'm far too disillusioned. I never forget these things, I remember one goddamn fucktard on the nude picture gallery site I used to post at saying, "Yuck! Mans head and woman's body, disgusting!" Said by a guy who makes a rotting corpse look nice. Fucking incel.
I guess I should just take everything and feel nothing, its my fault for putting myself out there in plain sight. I have such pressure to conform to cis female requirements, to beauty standards, to everything... I never fit in, I'm never good enough, I've been bullied extremely for my looks back in the day, my mother used to (And still does to this day.) humiliate me for my body and say nasty remarks about my hair and about being so fat (Which I never really was!) and what else. I have such weight of past trauma and insecurities on my back... It takes a lot to take pictures and show myself, especially my face which often I see being absolutely hideous. I really try, I try every day to make it somehow. And I want to become better, I have to or my mental health will completely crumble. I feel that I'm even too old for this, its like polishing a turd, desperate damage control to T ravaged aging body.
And it never fails to happen, every time I feel a bit happy about something, post stuff because I'm on a good mood, very soon something comes to make it absolutely clear that I get it, that I'm nothing... Last night was horrible, Reddit algorithm is a total bitch and its always there to shove something to my face which shatters my illusions. I avoid so much already, maybe I should just quit being online completely? I have so little life I'm chronically online anyway.
I just want to become feminine and pretty. Its the only thing I might have a tiny little chance at... My dreams are all just dumb silly naive stuff, things that the caged little girl dreamed of, but it feels its all for nothing because nothing that I do is ever enough, I'm never enough.
Vanitas vanitatum.
13-01-2024, 12:04 PM
I'm feeling like shit, but I'm gonna fight it. I just took this picture.... See where I'm pointing at? That's where I'm losing most weight right now and its working like a charm! I wish it made my face pretty too, but that's too much to ask maybe. Unless it reveals my jawline, its not feminine but at least its pretty.
![[Image: 13-1-24-1.jpg]](https://i.postimg.cc/3RW3BqP7/13-1-24-1.jpg)
I really need the new bra though... This one is a binder! Its really squishing me badly.
I really need the new bra though... This one is a binder! Its really squishing me badly.
13-01-2024, 12:20 PM
You are doing very well on your diet just remember you didn't put the weight on over night and you won't loose it overnight---keep up the good work. Be happy cause you sure haven't lost and boobage. Looseing weight in the other ares will take time. Don't get discouraged 
13-01-2024, 01:15 PM
There's no way to not get discouraged when I'm compared to scarecrows, told that I look mediocre or average or "nice" or some other shit like that... When social media, picture fakery and plastic surgery has made sure that all beauty standards are so unrealistically high that there's no way to ever be perceived as anything but crappy mediocre shite no matter what I do.
I rather hide my hideous face again and not post much pictures for a while... Not that it helps anything, but maybe I can fool myself into thinking its alright. My dreams are stupid, I should stop trying to believe in them as I'm so disillusioned about all this. How in fuck do I even fix my dysphoria when I get endlessly reminded about how hideously not feminine I am? Nor pretty. I so rarely get even called those pretty words, its always something a bit like it but not what I would love to hear.
I'm really on bad mood today, I would be better off just sleeping or something.
I rather hide my hideous face again and not post much pictures for a while... Not that it helps anything, but maybe I can fool myself into thinking its alright. My dreams are stupid, I should stop trying to believe in them as I'm so disillusioned about all this. How in fuck do I even fix my dysphoria when I get endlessly reminded about how hideously not feminine I am? Nor pretty. I so rarely get even called those pretty words, its always something a bit like it but not what I would love to hear.
I'm really on bad mood today, I would be better off just sleeping or something.
13-01-2024, 01:29 PM
Who cares what people think. Really. I got breast implants and still walk around male. I don’t care what people think. You shouldn’t either. Would you be happier living by other peoples standards? F that. Be proud of what you have and how much you have accomplished.
13-01-2024, 02:10 PM
It matters a lot what other people think, a lot. As long as I'm putting myself out there here, IG, where ever and in real life too, I'm a subject to judgement of all kinds, be it bashing or praise. And for some odd reason, people have this weird idea that body of a trans woman is public property, it can and will be judged and picked apart. Much more so than what is done to cis women for some odd reason. Words can heal and words can hurt.
It should be obvious by now why I care what other people think. I do not know my place, I do not know if I'm attractive or not, I do not know exactly how I am perceived. I suffer from body dysmorphic disorder which I think could be also diagnosed if I wanted it to. This pain in the ass problem walks holding hands with gender dysphoria. Together they make such a mess with my body image and (lack of) confidence. It is impossible to me to cook up some healthy image of self by myself, that just does not work, it never has and it still doesn't. I can't make confidence out of nowhere, for these things I need others to tell me how it is. Yes I am that blind to myself and I'm also traumatised a LOT when I was kid and that messed me up for life. I have been taught to believe that I'm always worse than I actually am.
When I transitioned, I lost my social standing completely. I became a social pariah and really unwanted and suddenly "ugly" even though in my old life as a man, I enjoyed pretty privilege. For real, like the kind when I have too many random people wanting to force into my circle, wanting to be "friends" while they just wanted to look better. I have had to choose few times which girl I wanted to date as more than one were so much into me at once. This kind of thing all the way until like mid thirties. Transition fucked it all up, suddenly from attractive and wanted man I became unwanted, androgynous "half woman" or some other shite idea most people might have. I had no clue how I looked like, I was clocked, mistreated, rejected, ghosted, stared at, laughed at, I was treated as an ugly person.
It is slowly changing as my body is changing and I'm getting forward, but still I'm unsure how I look like, what is my place in the social hierarchy that people subconsciously build among themselves. I need others, I can't just make up my mind about it and believe into something I just made up. I'm far too smart and self aware for that. Also cynical and disillusioned because my life hasn't been all rosy walk in a park. I can't just "be confident" out of nowhere, I have never been able to do that! I have always needed enough positive experience to have faith into myself. Its always been the same, with looks, with music, with art, my looks, everything. I blame bullying and shitty upbringing for a lot of this, as if my life had been easier and nicer to me, I would likely be one of the "normal" people who just can cook up confidence like its some magic spell, I've tried all kinds of self help mantras, its not working, I always need positive experience or I believe in nothing.
Everything's going well so far, better than anything I could have dreamed of when I started out. Nothing wrong with that, its just this horde of ancient demons that haunt my mind, especially on bad days, and a lot of them can't be conjured by any therapy or any venting here on the forum, only actual physical change and positive experience will do that. I'm slowly getting better, but I never thought transition would be socially as demaninding and exhausting.
Gosh I wish I could somehow pay for FFS, then I would feel much better not cropping my face off of almost every photo and I would exit the house more often.
It should be obvious by now why I care what other people think. I do not know my place, I do not know if I'm attractive or not, I do not know exactly how I am perceived. I suffer from body dysmorphic disorder which I think could be also diagnosed if I wanted it to. This pain in the ass problem walks holding hands with gender dysphoria. Together they make such a mess with my body image and (lack of) confidence. It is impossible to me to cook up some healthy image of self by myself, that just does not work, it never has and it still doesn't. I can't make confidence out of nowhere, for these things I need others to tell me how it is. Yes I am that blind to myself and I'm also traumatised a LOT when I was kid and that messed me up for life. I have been taught to believe that I'm always worse than I actually am.
When I transitioned, I lost my social standing completely. I became a social pariah and really unwanted and suddenly "ugly" even though in my old life as a man, I enjoyed pretty privilege. For real, like the kind when I have too many random people wanting to force into my circle, wanting to be "friends" while they just wanted to look better. I have had to choose few times which girl I wanted to date as more than one were so much into me at once. This kind of thing all the way until like mid thirties. Transition fucked it all up, suddenly from attractive and wanted man I became unwanted, androgynous "half woman" or some other shite idea most people might have. I had no clue how I looked like, I was clocked, mistreated, rejected, ghosted, stared at, laughed at, I was treated as an ugly person.
It is slowly changing as my body is changing and I'm getting forward, but still I'm unsure how I look like, what is my place in the social hierarchy that people subconsciously build among themselves. I need others, I can't just make up my mind about it and believe into something I just made up. I'm far too smart and self aware for that. Also cynical and disillusioned because my life hasn't been all rosy walk in a park. I can't just "be confident" out of nowhere, I have never been able to do that! I have always needed enough positive experience to have faith into myself. Its always been the same, with looks, with music, with art, my looks, everything. I blame bullying and shitty upbringing for a lot of this, as if my life had been easier and nicer to me, I would likely be one of the "normal" people who just can cook up confidence like its some magic spell, I've tried all kinds of self help mantras, its not working, I always need positive experience or I believe in nothing.
Everything's going well so far, better than anything I could have dreamed of when I started out. Nothing wrong with that, its just this horde of ancient demons that haunt my mind, especially on bad days, and a lot of them can't be conjured by any therapy or any venting here on the forum, only actual physical change and positive experience will do that. I'm slowly getting better, but I never thought transition would be socially as demaninding and exhausting.
Gosh I wish I could somehow pay for FFS, then I would feel much better not cropping my face off of almost every photo and I would exit the house more often.
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