[notveryinteresting]

Didi I feel for you, I can only imagine what you are going through at the moment, I've been in some fairly dark places, and thought some of the thoughts you are having. So please take this small nugget of information and consider it.

Therapy isn't just talking, not when it's done properly, it looks and feels like talking and that's the clever bit, it's guided talking that leads you to thinking, and asking questions of yourself.

Heres a crap analogy, sorry but it's the best I can come with at the moment.

Think about it like this, if you go for a walk in a city you'll see some sights.
Go for a walk with friends and you will see the sights they like and if you choose the right person, things they think you'll like too.
Go fo a walk with a trained and experienced tour guide and you may see the same sights but from different angles and get a more for filling experience.

Please find a trained professional therapist to talk to, about 5 years ago I started thinking about not continuing my life, I got help, that help had nothing to do with my body issues, but somehow it's helping me today 5 years on, come to be the person I want to be.

I've had multiple attempts at therapy about half were no good because the therapist didn't suit me, if it's not working find another.

I hope this message will resonate with you.
Good luck.
Danni X

[HelloDiDi]

My therapist is a good one, probably the best I can get here. Also I can't choose, I have no time, energy or chances for it, I live in a small town, there are only few of them around here and this is govt backed one. I can't go on looking and randomly trying, from what I read about our local therapists, all others seemed less suitable for me.

Maybe therapy will do something, maybe. I have barely just started out, three sessions done and fourth coming up in two days. Its nothing yet. Its booked to last for a year so maybe it will do something. But I know for a fact it can't fix me because my problems are mostly physical. My dysphoria driven mental health problems can't get better until the cause is away, that's my body being incorrect. It is really that simple.

As I said earlier, I think therapy can heal the mental scars from all this, but it can't ever fix dysphoria. Maybe it can help with my messed up body image, but that too is fucked up by my body being incorrect. Therapy cannot "fix" transgender problems which are physical. Thankfully changes are coming, some big things being booked and stuff, I hope the healthcare will not fail me once again. At least body contouring is pocket paid so that will work out no matter what.

[krisblue2]

Hi Lara,
I believe my first post here was trumpeting your beauty. Your inspiration and clarity of thought, regardless of your "mood" is transformational for me (at least and I think others). I have been struggling with this for a long time. I really appreciate you and your words. Pictures or no pictures: all the best in good health and well being. I believe that's all that really maters.

That was such a lovely post, unexpected, I don't think I'll ever forget it.

Its one of these times... Harsh reality hitting me in my face quite literally. I just needed to vent everything, I don't usually talk about all this so much, it doesn't mean it's not there, it always is. About pictures, I feel that I want to take a break right now. And there's a reason for it. Some big changes are coming soon, this winter will bring in a lot and I mi ght turn out quite different after its all said and done. Always before big changes or when I've been achieving something, my mood goes to gutter and depression and anxiety go through the roof. This time is no different. And I've had my hormone levels in a big change lately, I think I mentioned it earlier?

Having progesterone and prolactin being dramatically shuffled around can make whole lot of mood swings and I react a lot to all hormone changes, so mood swings aren't a surprise. And then the time of the year, this darkness is suffocating. If there's something really nasty about Finland, its the crazy darkness of the winter. Cold can be dealt with, but darkness just lasts for ages and its depressing.

Hi Lara,
Here is some light for your dark days! Walking in Georgia O'Keefe's footsteps in Northern New Mexico. Good luck with therapy. I'm just restarting. My plan covers 8 sessions. Those ended two years ago. The outsourced "referral" took 1.5 years! Exploring genderqueerness at the root. All the best!

[HelloDiDi]

Such pretty pictures. ^_^ You caught a lovely blue sky too.

I was out today, blood check and hangout with a girlfriend of mine, a cis woman mind you... Its so rare as I have nearly no cis fem friends what so ever. We had fun. After labs, thrift store (found nothing there), shopping mall, smoothies and burgers and I found two lovely new nail polishes. Red chameleon with metallic blue tint which is really amazing and pink glitter stuff. Oh and some really hot black guy randomly said hi and just kept smiling and checking me out at the lab... It was so cute, he just couldn't take his eyes off me, I guess I ticked his pretty lady radar quite well. I don't mind, he was handsome.

Felt so good to go out and have some real life for once. I almost never have chance for this kind of thing unless my girlfriend counts of course. But this is different when its not with a partner but a friend.

[Billie]

When I hear you talk about your looks I feel like you are having your opinion changed by self esteem, by being fluid and being female but a past of being male, and the lack of acceptance of yourself.  I know I was not accepting my male body I seem to see myself as having breasts. I have been growing breasts for years and my opinion of my looks improved because I developed breasts. I cant convince you to accept who you are, what you look like, or change how you feel.  My opinion of your looks is you should be proud of your strong beautiful attributes.  Just saying a man does focus on a woman's features.  If I was able to date you I would focus on your breasts, but you have a kind face and a character visible in your face that you experienced a lot.

[HelloDiDi]

When I hear you talk about your looks I feel like you are having your opinion changed by self esteem, by being fluid and being female but a past of being male, and the lack of acceptance of yourself.  I know I was not accepting my male body I seem to see myself as having breasts. I have been growing breasts for years and my opinion of my looks improved because I developed breasts. I cant convince you to accept who you are, what you look like, or change how you feel.  My opinion of your looks is you should be proud of your strong beautiful attributes.  Just saying a man does focus on a woman's features.  If I was able to date you I would focus on your breasts, but you have a kind face and a character visible in your face that you experienced a lot.

How can I accept things that are plain wrong? And how can I accept or love myself when the outside reassurance and validation is very mixed and messed up? While I lack the ability to self perceive correctly... Its not going to happen on its own, I can't make up magical self love and self acceptance. Also I will not accept things I can change for better, only after I try every method there is for me, only then comes acceptance.

I happen to have some "strong" attributes that are simply way too masculine for my liking, things feel wrong and need to be changed. It hurts me so much that I can't change my height more than what HRT and pelvic tilt does, nor can I suddenly go from bulky and sturdy into graceful and slim. That is why I'm so much pushing for as accentuated curves as possible, I rather make the feminine bits more obvious as there are stuff nothing can change. My over all size is extremely annoying, it doesn't show in pictures but if you would see me next to a bunch of average cis women, I stand out like a sore thumb for being huge next to them. I don't like it, I don't like feeling like a lumbering giant. But if boobs are so big it pulls attention away from everything else, yea, that works and that's what I'm after. To have at least one part of my body being actually perfect when nothing else is.

But self acceptance, it comes with outside validation, positive experience and simply by fixing things. It will happen, I know it has to, but I can't accept faults I can make a difference with.

Character, you mean the wrinkles? Oh my forehead will be dealt with and that'll make me look younger for sure. I hate those things, its genetic as all my relatives have it and its very annoying. Guess why I rarely post a close up selfie? I look like crap, I look much older when all that definition and goddamn wrinkles on my forehead are at full display. lol. xD

[myboobs]

My 2 penny worth . Stop chasing an image of a woman created by fashion industry.
Each and every woman is different, and believe me you look pretty.
As I had said earlier, I have new employee who has transitioned fully . She ain’t 
As pretty as you but a really lovely and friendly person.
My customer have taken to her and greet her by her name .
All my staff like her .
What can be more beautiful then that .

I would say you are being too hard on yourself.
Self confidence and ignoring odd bigot is the 
Winning ticket . Just be you and everything will fall
In its place .

[HelloDiDi]

The universally/objectively beautiful traits have always existed, since the first day there were humans. Those are haves or have nots because its largely about gene lottery. That's a fact. Obviously it is worth pursuing to what extent is possible, obviously because beautiful people have things easier in life, that's another fact.

I'm not dumb, I can't turn myself into a supermodel because that is physically impossible. And I don't need to either. I just want to be and feel beautiful. Feminine, 100% stealth passable. Latter I have already achieved, the others, somewhat but I need more. I suffer from dyshphoria, no mind games and talking will ever fix it because it is largely a physical problem. Only known "cure" is transition and the needs for what and how are individual. For me its mostly about body proportions more than face or genitals. And social acceptance, that's a very big deal about it and I'm always scared for being misgendered, discriminated against and treated horribly despite being fully passable to 99,9% of the time apparently.

There is no confidence without external reassurance, meaning positive experience. I'm traumatised and fucked up in the head since childhood, there is no way to easily just wish problems away and make life better. I can't just make it all up in my mind, if I would, I wouldn't ever feel bad about myself wouldn't I?

Confidence, self acceptance and self love will come along with positive life experience. That will happen, its already happening, but it takes time. I have decades of trauma from a lot of stuff to unwind, I have halfway transitioned body to fix. Latter will help with everything else, I know it does as it has already done so much.

I was seen pretty in old life and I want that in this new life too. Loss is what hurts, dysphoria is what demands change and I'm gonna get there. I don't care what the cost is and how much time and tears it takes. 

[myboobs]

Good on you .
You have determination so you will succeed.
Long journey 1 step at a time.

[HelloDiDi]

Update about lactation. I'm now at 82nd day of pumping and half a month soon in with the latest herbal program... Interesting things are happening, like that my Elvie Stride pump broke, it just stopped giving any resistance as if some part gave up inside it. No wonder I guess, it is said to last two years or five hundred hours.

I have now pushed in fivehundred and ten hours within eighty three days. It might be that in less than three months, I just pushed the pump to its limits. So we ordered a new one as I had lost the warranty thing for it... Stupid me not realising that email receipts are the same these days as old school paper ones. So I'm now waiting to replace the pump and plugged in the cheap one I have, its noisy and not as powerful but it gets the job done.

I have started to lactate quite a lot, going back and forth several times, drying up and again making more. I have gone up to 120ml per day and more which I can't measure easily. Right side works better as there's more suction due to right nipple still being bigger. My boobs are getting really heavy and my current bra is tight. I'm obviously developing stretch marks on my boobs which I don't mind in the slightest. I haven't measured for a while and I wont rush it, it comes when its time for it.... At least I'll do it once before the body contouring.

What I'm doing on the herbs is similar as before, but now I'm on quite high dose of alflalfa on the side. I'll list my HRT + NBE in detail soon. I'm not far from hitting 29 months btw, it'll be interesting milestone as to see what three months of pumping and lactation has done. And of course the topical program and bovine ovary and you know the drill. That's about it, details on the program coming later.