[krisblue2]

I'm taking a break from updating my thread. Especially from posting pictures. Especially selfies, no selfies. Its useless to show my face, I look like shit. I look fucking hideously mediocre and I'm almost never getting the validation I wish for. All I am for people is boobs, hips, maybe hair colour and some rare times some other detail, but I'm never beautiful.  I'm never goregous, I'm never "beyond transition", I'm never anything that I see other women be called all the time. 

I'm having a very strong feeling of message received, its better to not be out in the open at all because I'm obviously not worth anything what I would wish to hear. I'm done with it. Note that I haven't posted pictures anywhere else either, only to some close people on Discord and nothing else. I don't want to because I'm not worth looking at. I'm crappy mediocre ugly ass nordic swamp creature and I'm better off not existing online at all. At least for now.

I would have some cool stuff about NBE to talk about and there are some big changes coming my way soon, but none of that saves my awful mediocre shitty face which is almost never worth commenting about. I'm also feeling very depressed lately, its like a repeat of the two previous winters and it feels somehow even worse than before.

There's no value in me, as a woman I'm worthless. I can't become a mother and I'm not even pretty so what worth do I have? Nothing what so ever. I'm so fucking sad with this, I hate internet, I hate my goddamn stupid lucky stars for this hideous bullshit fate. My body is totally wrong, its too big, gulky, masculine and ugly. My life has been doomed since birth as transition is inevitable and its ruining so much. I feel there's no life for me, there's no future. I have lost my social standing, my friends have largely abandoned me, I'm often lonely and I'm not even finding validation and nice things online as I'm not pretty enough.

I just hit 28½ months on HRT and there has been some nice things, but I don't want to share anything... Its worthless waste of time anyway. I might not post much, I'm feeling far too depressed for it. Everybody else are better than me anyway and worth more attention and everything. I might as well just stop posting anything. Its not gonna make me feel better.

Hi Lara,
I believe my first post here was trumpeting your beauty. Your inspiration and clarity of thought, regardless of your "mood" is transformational for me (at least and I think others). I have been struggling with this for a long time. I really appreciate you and your words. Pictures or no pictures: all the best in good health and well being. I believe that's all that really maters.

[Gabrielle]

R. I. P. to Pekka who brought so much joy to others. May his memory live forever.

that is a incredible simple design. Any one who has a 3d printer could print one out. Or you could get that printed by a company who offers printing service, if you can get hold of the stl.

[Gabrielle]

Apparently the inner loop on the original has a smaller opening at the top of the loop vs. the knock-off Chinese brands sold on Amazon. Supposedly that small indent makes all the difference.

Check out the Original FuFu Clip from SoftXpressions on Etsy, here:

https://www.etsy.com/shop/SoftXpressions

that is a incredible simple design. Any one who has a 3d printer could print one out. Or you could get that printed by a company who offers printing service, if you can get hold of the stl.

[HelloDiDi]

Hello HelloDiDi

What happens to you?

You are very hard on yourself.

I haven't interacted with you often, but here!!

Do you think all transgender people are super beautiful?

My speech therapist told me that there are thousands of women's voices, high notes, low notes, etc.
And that we transgender people are never happy with our voice, and yet...

There are thousands, even millions, of cis gender women who must think they are ugly.

You are young, I am old in comparison (60 years old in two months) and many of us are over 60 years old.

Today I told my mother that I could never be beautiful having started transitioning too late.
No, not everyone uses programs to modify their face.
And still, very few members show their true colors.

However, do you find me ugly or beautiful.


I still have dysphoria for my passing. I am always asking my colleagues how this or that person perceived me.
The response is always the same, no adverse reaction.
I'm a woman, that's all, like you.
And in normal life outside of work, for more than 8 months, I have been a woman, that's all.

Like Liz told me, what do you see in the mirror in the morning,
I told him, a woman.
I smile to myself, and appreciate myself. you must do the same.

You are as beautiful as anything. However, you put a few too many photos of your breasts.
Me, I'm done with the race for big breasts, I'm letting the hormones do their thing.

I have two threads, one for my transition and my life as a woman, and one where you can still see my breasts.

I myself went through a bout of depression where I deleted my original thread.

I'm glad you're in Europe, too many members are in the USA.

Keep your morale up.
You are a role model for many and you have your fans.
Sois toi même et vie ta vie.

There you go, even if sometimes the translations from English to French can not say the right things, the translations from French to English can sometimes have mistakes, I hope I am correct.

We are all beautiful women.

Kisses Lara

Jennifer

Awww, thanks Jennifer.

I've been having quite depressing episode lately. Rude awakening to some things, becoming aware of even more dysphoria I ever thought I had. This isn't new, I'm heading into some life changing operations soon and almost always on brink of big changes, I start to feel horrible about myself. Yes I'm awfully harsh to myself and also a perfectionist and its really unhealthy combination. But things learned already decades ago, behaviours and upbringing, I can't just shut it all off by knowing its there, that's not how mind works.

Obviously not all trans women are mind blowingly beautiful, we're just like everybody else, most are normal, average Janes. Looks are always a bell curve and that goes with trans women also.

I know, but knowing how concerned about their looks other women are, doesn't really make my situation any better. Maybe it should warm my mind somehow, but it really does not. The pain is still here, mine I think is really nasty because its gender dysphoria mixed with low confidence and inability to perceive myself corrrectly.

Omg, this is all about myself, my perception of others isn't as messed up and you're a beautiful classy lady obviously. And what your mother said isn't true at all. I was told at the beginning of my transition that I would need a dramatic weight loss and extensive surgeries to even become passable and I reached that point around two years into my transition without weight loss or single surgery at all. Passing is not a problem to me at all. Like my girlfriends parents, they think I'm cis, they don't know. My local psych doctor realised me being transgender only from reading my file, she had zero idea and was (pleasantly) surprised reading that I'm transitioning. I don't believe age should be, or that it is, any reason to think we couldn't become passable, nor pretty. Its not about age as women of all ages do it all the time. I refuse to believe into the silly beauty propganda that its somehow reserved for youth only... Many people see it like that but I don't want to believe into such bullshit! I've seen a lot of women older than thirty and forty and fifty who are extremely pretty.

The number of boob pictures I've been posting has a reason, I take similar/same angle and lighting pics often to keep up with development. Result is small changes between pictures so it looks "boring" as in posting same pic over and over, but those are perfect for making timelines and really showing how its changing. When I started out I decided to document this day by day and take a lot of pictures which are comparable. I've been trying to not spam as many as it can get tedious, but I take a lot of pictures. My plan is to compile really good timelines when my breasts mature enough to say that I'm post transition. I have ambitious plan to compile everything, my diaries, photos, findings about what works and what doesn't and maybe make it into an ebook one day.

Yes up here in Finland, its nice to have people from Europe in here.... Btw, I have never visited France, it would be interesting. I have friends and my brother living in Germany. Maybe one day I go visit them and take a little tour in France on the same go as its right next to Germany. Would be so much fun. Its been a while since I've travelled as money has been tight.

[HelloDiDi]

I can say, i think you need some me time. Focus on you, and what makes you happy.
I also would say. Get your self involved with something. Something hooks you. 

For me when i could, it was the gym. I had nero surgery and i need to lose weight, build up my strength and coordination. It became obsession. May be to fact that my endorphins where being released.
My point being, it gave me focus, enjoyment, and i felt good about my self. But i probably got a little to vain, going from a 40w to a 30w, getting toned. Yes i did put on weight over the years but this was due to the muscles i had built up.

My point being, perhaps you might want to tailor something to suit your needs. Your head and even body will thank you for it. I believe the strength of character and determination as person, who sets goals they wanted to achieve. Is already evident with you.

So get off your ass and go grab it while you can. You never when the rug will be pulled out from under you. X

I would, if I had the energy for much anything. I often feel stretched thin and tired, mentally exhausted... I have been cutting away things that tire me out for a reason. I knew right at the beginning that transition will take my entire focus, all my time and energy for a long time and that it will be difficult.

I try to take walks when ever I can and weather allows. This time of year in Finland is quite horrible, it gets better when winter goes in full swing. I have had to stop so much, music stuff, exercise, almost everything. I've been thinking about starting to do art again as I have plenty of time and my girlfriend keeps asking for me to paint or draw something for her. But these artistic things need good enough mood and inspiration, if I'm tired of life and depressed, there's no way I could do any of it... For me its not that my art is created from suffering. Or often it is, but not at the moment when I suffer the most, typically after that. I have been thinking about drawing stuff about transition, symbolic things, I'm never short of ideas.

Its really good idea and its guaranteed to help too to get into a hobby or something. But you can't tell depressed person to get off your ass and expect it to happen, that's not how it works. I guess my luck is to know this state of mind quite thoroughly, I can kick myself out of it too, but first I need to rest and get some positive things to happen. Also I have untreated ADHD, that's something that adds up to burnout and chronic fatigue and exhaustion with time and mine has been there for decades now.

I take solace in knowing that all things in life are always temporary, also bad times. Other question is, what it takes to make things better. At least I know for sure that fixing my body further will help with mental health given the time as so much comes from physical short comings... A lot of which can be changed.

[HelloDiDi]

Lara, I'm not a psychologist, but what I'm saying comes from my experiences, as well as the experiences of other people.
What you wrote can be called only one word. And that's life. Life is not a straight line, but a very nasty curve. We all go through it similarly, but through different situations. Also, not all of us are mentally strong, because not all of us have the same emotions. And all people have problems with the perception of their image.
Have you thought about what you would look like if you were born a woman? You probably wouldn't pay as much attention to these things as you do now. And on the other hand, she might be less attractive. We have to accept ourselves as we are. I had problems myself, because I wanted to come off as an alpha male. This feeling of helplessness caused me to have complexes for many years and I was unhappy inside. I developed jealousy of people who looked the way I wanted to look. And then I still went in another direction. I'm not young. Five days ago I turned half a century old, so only now can I look back at myself when I was younger. The process is not easy and is often long. I have met unattractive women and men in my life. Some of them radiated incredible energy that had an impact on their surroundings. It's not all about looks. We are visual beings, but we often neglect our inner strength and vibration.
I hope you will become aware of your strength and energy. And we should stop thinking about how someone else sees and experiences us. Only then do we become who we are

Knowing the women in my family, I would likely look almost the same but probably be much shorter and smaller.... I should some time find pictures of some relatives and show much there is likeness. Its uncanny, like my great aunt, I have almost entirely same face as she did, only wider. Thankfully I look much like her, more than I have resemblance to my mother or grandmother. My great aunt was the "pretty sister" others felt envious of for it and yes she was pretty, I have picture of her from 1932 and she reminds me of some old time movie star. Not super attractive but definitely pretty. I'm lucky to share some traits with her. But then again, I could have turned out looking very mediocre. Not all my relatives are pretty, none are ugly either, but its a big bunch of average looking people and then few really beautiful ones. Obviosly we all look very typically Nordic Finn which I'm not sure is a good thing or not. In my eyes, most Finns aren't that pretty, but I'm biased as I've seen them every day of my life.

You know, that is true, but only to an extent. I must have outside opinion and outside validation because I'm unable to perceive myself correctly. Without it I can't know how I look like, I can't know my social standing in the heararchy that is largely dictated by looks. (first impressions, either getting or not getting pretty privilege in life, I used to have it so I know what it is and how it works.) The point is that once I'm aware enough of this and positive experience boosts my confidence, then I can stop caring so much. But then again, I must care what other people think, those who are close enough in my life, those I have to interact with... I care a lot about what they think, I want to please them enough and be nice and interesting enough for them so they treat me well. It goes both ways, confidence makes it easy to not care so much about opionions of others, but its treatment from other people which makes or breaks confidence.

I used to be brutally bullied for years and shut away when I was kid for being too different. My confidence was near zero, I was depressed already in my mid teens, that turned into becoming suicidal and nearly alcoholic in my twenties, only thing that made me confident and happy was outside acceptance which I thank gods did get after about 20yo. Interestingly, that's when I started to learn social skills well and I had a huge huge glow up with looks back in those days. From early twenties to the day I started my transition I lived with pretty privilege, most of the time I was quite confident in myself, I knew that I was wanted company, loved and attractive. The reason why I'm hurting now so much is loss of this privilege and that pain also drives me into doing everything I can to make a difference, to get that back somehow. But obviously as a woman, its much harder as women are valued many times more for their looks than men. These are just cold facts, people are absolutely disgusting hypocrites and shallow. That's just how the cookie crumbles and its not nice, but we all have to live with it. Most average people don't need to care about this much really, attractive and ugly people do.

But yea, you're right about these things being not simple and self explanatory, such is life.

[HelloDiDi]

Hi Lara,
I believe my first post here was trumpeting your beauty. Your inspiration and clarity of thought, regardless of your "mood" is transformational for me (at least and I think others). I have been struggling with this for a long time. I really appreciate you and your words. Pictures or no pictures: all the best in good health and well being. I believe that's all that really maters.

That was such a lovely post, unexpected, I don't think I'll ever forget it.

Its one of these times... Harsh reality hitting me in my face quite literally. I just needed to vent everything, I don't usually talk about all this so much, it doesn't mean its not there, it always is. About pictures, I feel that I want to take a break right now. And there's a reason for it. Some big changes are coming soon, this winter will bring in a lot and I might turn out quite different after its all said and done. Always before big changes or when I've been achieving something, my mood goes to gutter and depression and anxiety go through the roof. This time is no different. And I've had my hormone levels in a big change lately, I think I mentioned it earlier?

Having progesterone and prolactin being dramatically shuffled around can make whole lot of mood swings and I react a lot to all hormone changes, so mood swings aren't a surprise. And then the time of the year, this darkness is suffocating. If there's something really nasty about Finland, its the crazy darkness of the winter. Cold can be dealt with, but darkness just lasts for ages and its depressing.

[HelloDiDi]

There's one thing really bothering me and I want to make it clear how it is. I have been accused of being envious many times when I cry about dysphoria, my body lacking things, being not pretty and not feminine enough and so on.

Its not envy. Its dysphoria that does it. I can be also envious, that does happen some times, I'm imperfect and I have all kinds of typical human flaws of character you can think of. Probably more than most people because I'm quite broken and I'm not the best person ever. I'm not gonne put up some silly charade for being perfect super awesome person who never suffers from these very human problems, of course I do. But there's a difference.

Dysphoria comes from inside, its about my body not matching my identity or "soul" or how ever you want to say it. It comes from me not having some trait I should have and often other women trigger this as they remind me of what I'm lacking. Its not their fault in slightest, absolutely not. I try not to ever lash out at them, rather vent in some other way, think how to make a change in myself so they wouldn't trigger me and so on. The symptoms are much like envy, but the cause is dysphoria that comes from within myself.

Envy comes from the outside, from hurting of someone else having something better or more than what I do. Here's the difference, those people who made me "feel envious" aka triggered my dysphoria a year or two ago, make me feel absolutely nothing these days. Why is that, simply because I not have what they reminded me not having previously, but now as I got it already, my dysphoria has been alleviated so I'm not getting triggered. If I were truly envious, they would likely still hurt me like hell for just existing. And you bet I know how envy feels like, how it rots my heart if I allow it to fester. Envy if anything is extremely ugly heart rotting mental cancer if there is such thing.

The way I have dealt with envy is to observe the situation from outside, as if in third person. Stop and think why is this person making me hurt, is there a way for me to make things better so I would have what they have? If there is a way, then I work for it. If there is no way, then I have to either forget about it or make a peace with it. I have used envy as a driving force for achieving things and learned that its all about channeling that negative feeling into something that makes my life better. Lashing out at the subject of that envy will never make anything better, venting is one thing, then working out how to make a difference and then achieving it. I used to be extremely envious about music, drumming, art and so on... What I did was to just get better at it and then, pay no attention on what others do but rather just do my own thing and that's it. One day I realised this about drumming, that I'm flawlessly playing stuff from Dave Lombardo, Trym Torson, Gar Samuelson, Horgh, Nick Menza and so on. These guys are all world class professional drummers known for their amazing drumming skill, feel, style and so on. If I'm good enough to play the stuff these guys do and even add my own sound into it and make it sound great, I'm just as good as they are. The size of audience makes no difference to the musical side of it. Same with art, I realized I'm quite good at it, not technically, but nobody else in the world has the same unique touch and style that I do. Everything I paint and draw is instantly recogniceable as my work. It makes no difference that my art hasn't made me gazillions of €, it has a value on its own just like all creative work has. No one can take these things away from me and make me worse by being more skilled than I am or different, because what I do with music and art is uniquely mine. Sure if they're measured with money, I absolutely suck, but by every other measure, its quite neat stuff and I'm good at it. So much for being envious of anybody.

I'm hoping my transition and problems with looks would turn out the same and probably will. My greatest struggle is about two things, alleviating dysphoria which is by far a physical problem, and the harder part, how to deal with loss of social standing, loss of pretty privilege and status as someone who used to be wanted company and much loved by many. I used to have a problem of too many people trying to be my friend and it got very annoying at times. And it slowly built up such social exhaustion that isolation has been partially very welcome.

Its this loss that hurts me so much, its a nasty rude awakening. If I was a total socail pariah from before, I likely wouldn't be hurt by this much. Like my girlfriend says, she's been quite introverted and socially awkward all her life, so her transition hasn't changed anything socially. For me its the opposite of that, such loss that it some times makes me regret, but not enough that I would ever try to look back really. This is the right thing to do and if the price is so high, then so be it. Its not much different than the time when I was bullied badly and the entire school were mostly enemies. I survived that hell and I can survive much more.

Siberia teaches.

[Niaja]

So sorry to read you are going through so much doubt and pain I'm not  a therapist  all I can say is you are a unique person with unique skills if others can't see it --well it is their loss. Has therapy gone  you any insight as to why you d=fell as you do. all I can say is don't give up and please don't leave this forum we are here to support you 

[HelloDiDi]

So sorry to read you are going through so much doubt and pain I'm not  a therapist  all I can say is you are a unique person with unique skills if others can't see it --well it is their loss. Has therapy gone  you any insight as to why you d=fell as you do. all I can say is don't give up and please don't leave this forum we are here to support you 

Therapy is not going to remove my problems, its just talk... I talk with friends, with my partners, with people here. No talking in the world will ever fix me. It can only fix the mental scars once my body and face have been fixed first. I guess it has been my mistake to expect better than it has been, and seeing others get to live my dreams truly hurts. Loss of looks and social standing is the worst price I've had to pay for my transition...

Then seeing all women who are actually pretty be treated as actually worth something. Others get superlative praise, I get a "nice". It takes only so many repeats until naive optimism dies, rude awakening and becoming disillusioned follow. I have been severely downgraded from before times, in my past life I was at the top of the ladder pretty much. Better than that would have been if I were rich which I have never been... But these days, I feel like I'm nothing what so ever. The worst is having almost all social life online only.

And the thing about looks is that for a woman its way more important, way more. Especially for me as I do not have the social circle any more, they're all gone. How to make new friends even? Online where the first and often only thing that pulls attention is looks, if that's not good enough, nothing else will matter a goddamn thing. In old life I never needed to really bother much about this, I knew my place as real life experience had shown what it was. Right now I just don't know, I don't know where my place is in the social hierarchy that people always construct among themselves. So I have a huge need for external validation to figure this stuff out. And I sure as hell want to become as pretty as I can get. I used to dream of it when I was kid and feel so wronged why I wasn't allowed similar beauty as what I saw girls do all the time. All things socially acceptable for me were bland and boring, unlike girls, they got to be super cute and do all the pretty stuff they ever wanted whereas I was forced to keep my hair short (I didn't and got beaten up for it a lot and bullied.), wear the most bland boring shit ever, and imagine what would have happened if I wore makeup, feminine clothes and stuff? That would have been complete suicide in 90's Finland. I did have painted nails some times and got bullied for it.

So now that I finally have the chance to go into all this, of course I want to be perceived as nothing short of gorgeous. There's a lot I haven't learned yet, but I'm also becoming disillusioned with this, that I'm not perceived the way I used to, nor the way I would want to and that I feel I can't even become like that either.... It would take a load of money to fix everything that's wrong about my face. And then I see others be praised to high heavens, people who often I don't even think look that special, but for some reason, they're better than I am. Conclusion, I must be really mediocre next to those lucky ones. How and why, that I don't know. Its not like my looks went down the drain in the last two and half years, quite the opposite. But for some reason, as a woman, I'm just not good enough.

I try not to leave, I've really felt like wanting to crash and burn, delete every trace of me online and just disappear. But that would mean the trouble of making new accounts as I know these things tend to come and go. But what changed is that I'm really considering if I want to share pictures because its not doing what I want it to. When I see others get treated many times better but not looking so special, I understand that I must be quite mediocre, so better not share anything until things have changed.