[HelloDiDi]

despite the sadness of your loss and the funeral, the family's response is amazing and i am so happy for you x

It was very unexpectedly positive.... The fact that my mother told me this was even more surprising because she's kinda tight on compliments but wanted to tell me anyway. I guess she was surprised too, I mean this was three of my older cousins and uncles wife who said these things and they have obviously known me since I was born, not meeting them very often just gave them quite a shock to see me so far transitioned "suddenly." I think this was the first time that my relatives actually said nice things about me, so far it has been either neutral or somewhat negative.

[HelloDiDi]

Holy boob ache batman! I've had two days of such aches especially in the mornings I didn't know were possible. This is easily more intense than the beginning was. Dull, deep ache in the entire chest and below areolas... Ouch. But I know what it means, my aches and growth spurts go hand in hand.

I snapped some photos of my backside again, are you seeing what I am seeing? Yes I know my legs are ugly, but this is so feminine problem. I think I'm showing obvious signs of lipedema and this looks like stage 2 of the said disease. Not that its a problem unless I gain massive amounts of weight. I don't mind having such imperfect legs, at least my short comings and "ugly" stuff are 100% ladies problems. 

   
   

[HelloDiDi]

Not a great day... So much dysphoria and pain about feeling worthless. Especially worthless as a woman because of my stupid body ruining everything and timing being crap. I don't have much that people would give any value for and I can't find much of it from within. As a woman I'm quite worthless, I'm not young any more, not very beautiful either and I can't even become a mother. Almost all dreams of the little girl who has barely been let out of her prison are crushed already...

At least I can try to get a nice curvy body because there is nothing else that I can do. I just have my transition and not much else.

I went for a walk to try to cheer up, put on the white top I've shown in couple of pictures. I don't remember it looking quite like this before. I really like it.

   

[Feminine4Ever]

Didi, you are a beautiful person 

I can see this from afar. Your pictures are wonderful definitely your femininity is on display and I see you entirely as a woman.
Try not to be judgemental and hopefully this negative outlook will pass.

Have you considered the positive feminine affirmations on YouTube? Steff has some wonderful feminine affirmations and I often find myself listening to them to help lift my mindset into a more favourable place. 
She really does some very positive things..give her a try..it's free

[p_r_1974]

I see a beautiful woman! I also understand that we are hard on ourselves. Chin up when you can.
(spelling edit)

[HelloDiDi]

Didi, you are a beautiful person 

I can see this from afar. Your pictures are wonderful definitely your femininity is on display and I see you entirely as a woman.
Try not to be judgemental and hopefully this negative outlook will pass.

Have you considered the positive feminine affirmations on YouTube? Steff has some wonderful feminine affirmations and I often find myself listening to them to help lift my mindset into a more favourable place. 
She really does some very positive things..give her a try..it's free

Aww thank you.

My dysphoria and body image issues are ridiculously rough on me a lot of times. I can't see myself the way others do most of the time, it sucks but this is the kind of cards I've been dealt. It always kinda comes and goes, gets better on some things while other sides hurt like hell or get worse. Not being able to get pregnant and have a baby is THE worst of it all, especially knowing that I might have partially functioning girl parts inside me. At least I can fix everything about curves, body proportions, at the end of the trans clinic process get my genitals fixed and so on... It feels like a consolidation price as there are things I can't get, but got to play with what I got. And I need to compensate as I'm so stupidly big and tall.

Could you drop a link to this persons channel? Maybe others here would like it too? I could sure go have a listen.

[HelloDiDi]

I see a beautiful woman! I also understand that we are hard on ourselves. Chin up when you can.
(spelling edit)

Thank you. Just another rough day... Comes and goes like this but today there's a thing going on in family I should be happy for, but I can't. It just hurts too much but I can't choose family much, not mine and not my partners family. I have to deal with the fact that there are young, pretty, perfect cis women around who are getting to live all my dreams which have been completely crushed by the cruel fate of being born with dysfunctional body that cannot do what its supposed to.

I can't become young again. I don't think I will ever get such pretty privilege as a woman as what I had in old life. I can't get pregnant and have kids. I can't even be a surrogate mother, let alone be the aunt and great aunt to my brothers kids and grandkids... I can't live the dreams of the little girl who was trapped and imprisoned within this overgrown messed up body for so long time. She can't even become a young woman. I'm becoming a soon middle aged woman. To top off this dumpsterfire, I'm having quite obvious age crisis coming up because I'm forty years old in few months and I have seriously underperformed with everything that was expected of me.

When I say I don't have much more than my transition, I mean it... Then there's my faince, girlfriends, my dog and my hobbies... Very few friends. But that's about it all and transition and fixing my body to be as perfect and feminine as it can become is what keeps me motivated and going on. I guess all in due time and transitioning is like twenty years overdue, I'm too old to wait for anything, life is short.

At least I had a nice walk today and I love to stealth pass when I'm out there.

[HelloDiDi]

Firstly, let me rant a bit. I'm absolutely pissed off how nothing works to make my nipples grow. The only thing lately that has obviously done something (tiny but I notice the difference) is the topical program. Also I think L-tyrosine helped a tiny little bit. But its absolutely pathetic! Nothing does it! I see people around me all over get so super lucky with nipples without doing a goddamn thing for it, just getting it by lucky dice roll. Why mine aren't growing well? They seem to keep the tiny proportion to everything else no matter how big my boobs get. Its giving me so much dysphoria and makes me feel inferior... What can I do? Most pumps and suction cups are out of question because I can't do that efficiently enough and making a routine is very difficult for me.

What helps when nothing works? Anybody got some good ideas, please do share, I have tried everything and nothing does it so far. A tiny little bit will never be enough for me.  

Then some nice things, or questionable. I'm outgrowing my bra, its becoming very uncomfortable. It may look nicer than it feels, but I'm at the weird phase where cups are too big and too small at the same time, this bra binds rather than flaunts, my boobs escape to armpits and they weight the entire thing down so much that underwires wont even stay put but push lower than they should be. Needless to say this is not much fun but I have to still push the limits before I have grown enough to fit my new bra... Gosh its annoying, I wish I had some kind of middle ground but I can't get yet another bra when I have two brand new ones waiting to fit. Its not very far but still so much away.

Oh and one more picture from yesterday without posing so much. I'm really loving the change of my lower body so much, all this has been something I've got by blind luck without doing anything special to reach it. Funny how my hipdips dissappeared, only to show back without an actual dip but those lovely angles at my pelvis and hip, I find it very pretty. I've seen this on many cis women, even one ex girlfriend back in the day had this going and I find it so sexy and cute. I will never have the super wide hips for days anyway, might as well have the angled kind. I'm a Finn after all, at least I got hips, so many women here don't.

           

[Billie]

Hi I want to tell you I admire your body shape and breasts. Yes you grew into it well like I want to. But I mean you have entered my needs for a body. I married two different curvy women. I go to a BBW club called the Butterfly lounge. You are what I like.

About nipple growth I had a couple of inches of areola growth with Snakebites and using them under Noogleberry.

[HelloDiDi]

Hi I want to tell you I admire your body shape and breasts. Yes you grew into it well like I want to. But I mean you have entered my needs for a body. I married two different curvy women. I go to a BBW club called the Butterfly lounge. You are what I like.

About nipple growth I had a couple of inches of areola growth with Snakebites and using them under Noogleberry.

Thanks. Tbh, I would love to gain more weight if it didn't make active lifestyle too difficult and if there weren't the tight BMI restriction to bottom surgery in Finland. I have been thinking of trying to exercise more and actually get somewhat bigger once all the major surgical stuff is done. I seem to be carrying it so well that getting some extra would likely just make me prettier.

The thing is that suction devices are out of question, I can't use them efficiently because low time does nothing, lot of hours WILL make blisters and broken skin because I'm so darn delicate. I just can't do it, its not that I haven't tried. And suction in even more suction is out of question too, I have outgrown even the biggest domes I had so no noogling for me any more anyway. I would want to have a hormonal solution to this...

It feels like my only possible luck is T5 and or full lactation. But I have zero hope for this as nothing has truly worked in a decent way in three years.