[HelloDiDi]

Hi.

Self acceptance is nice, but it will never fix my problems... I will only accept things once I've reached my wits end with eveything tried and done. Then there are the things I can't get no matter what, with those its a must and its hard as hell to pull off. Not being able to get pregnant and have a child is one, another is lost youth, two decades which I should have used much better which I will never have back... Not being able to be young and beautiful the way I would want and deserve and so on, these are the issues of self acceptance.

Self love I have zero idea how to do because I have been well taught to hate myself and downplay everything. I don't know what real self love is. I try every day.

[Mashtenn]

Lara, you are a very wonderful person and deserve a happy life and happy that your current girlfriend sees you for who you are.  I am happy to know you and have followed your progress and taken some of your advice.  Yes, the world can be cruel but that is always others see us for who we are and respect it.  I am wishing you all the best and happiness.

[Stevenator_]

Great photo. Keep working on your mental & physical goals and enjoy life! My biggest struggle is late night snacks, haha. The good thing for you is your new exercise & outdoor regimen. Those will do wonders for your psyche. Plus, there’s nothing more better than a new love interest to put a spring in your step. Ignore those that ignore you.

<3

[Kay Lady]

Hi DiDi (Lara),

I read your response and although I try to self accept and self love, it is a struggle. I agree with what you said. I also have feelings of self hatred, and a wasted life. I am always reading and trying to heal. I seem to make some progress, but there are set backs. 

☮️  Kay

[HelloDiDi]

Hi DiDi (Lara),

I read your response and although I try to self accept and self love, it is a struggle. I agree with what you said. I also have feelings of self hatred, and a wasted life. I am always reading and trying to heal. I seem to make some progress, but there are set backs. 

☮️  Kay

You are listing the exact things that are making my transition and life so much worse. There is a lot which I don't talk about here much as I try to stay on topic of boobs and body changes and NBE mostly.

For me a lot of the talk about self acceptance is the same as admitting defeat and just becoming content with everything as I've told to do countless times. I can't accept, no becoming content with anything that I can change. With things I can't, such as past, the parts of my anatomy which current medical science cannot fix, lost opportunities in social life and so on, those are causing massive grief and they're a subject for self acceptance. For the rest, that I think comes at the end of the road when most changes have happened and every stone has been turned. Before then, it'll be a battle against the dysphoria demon with what ever means necessary.

Self hatred, omg I'm the queen of self hatred. I learned that early on. I was taught to hate myself even more because I was demanded perfection in a lot of things and of course I couldn't be the perfect one. At the same time I was never taught to lose. Guess what happens with this when puberty began and once T dominance hit in? Guess how it made me feel that I developed to both ways and got wide hips and little boobs and stuff, when I lacked downstairs (that came late for me) and didn't have much body hair. How I felt later when I had zero facial, looked like one of the girls and stuff. Omg the bullying, much of it was body shaming for all this stuff. Bullied for "Being a girl" was literally what they said. But there's also a beautiful irony there, without all that strangenes, I don't think I would be doing so good with my transition right now would I? Being partially there by nature seems to have its benefits.

Don't worry, that's how its like and it will be painful, but its always two steps back and three forward.


So later today I'm hopping on a train and going to see my new girlfriend. She said to be heading out, doing some arrangements for tonight. Omg the amount of trouble she's been going through to spoil me... I think she really likes me a whole lot. So next few days I'll be offline mostly, I may pop in quickly at some point if I'm not way too busy which I think I will be. I will also be off of MSM as hauling that raw powder around would need a small nice container for it and I'm lazy to look for one. Also this means several days complete time off of noogle which is nice for a change. Its been quite a while since I had more than one or two days off. First date for five years I think? Last time resembling anything like this was when I went to Croatia back in the day and there's a whole lot of first times coming up. I've never had a trans girlfriend who lived close by, never one which became more than a dream and lot of chatting and so on. And first time since transitioning that I will have a chance to explore my new life like this. I'm so excited, butterflies and all. Anyway, I got to go, talk to you later lovelies.

[Stevenator_]

What are you wearing on the train?!
Have a great weekend! <3

[HelloDiDi]

What are you wearing on the train?!
Have a great weekend! <3

H. ^_^ 

Just quickly chiming in, I'm having great time... Middle of absolute nowhere but still with perfect wireless internet connection (Welcome to Finland, lol.), we were awake all night, slept too little, had sauna, ton of cuddles and talked about million things to the point that my throat is sore. I wore a red floral dress, kinda thin summery one which is fantastic for flaunting shapes and really lovely to wear, I'll take a picture some time.

Anyway, I'm super busy and having great time. I'm being treated so well, as a woman and a girlfriend. She got me such lovely old school present, flowers, chocolates and really awesome perfume, La Rive She Is Mine, its lovely. I'm really happy, last day has been amazing, so many small things that I've wanted for ages. Being treated so well, absolutely the way I have dreamed is huge deal. Its deinitely a confidence boost. Not surprisingly she told me that its amazing to have someone who's the same, we're kin. Mutual understanding. But she's also such an egg, I'm feeling like a big sister teaching a little one ton of stuff.

Did I mention that my sweetheart wouldn't even be transitioning without my help? I told her about our lovely doctor who helped her get on HRT. I've been also telling everything about NBE and how to make her HRT more effective. I guess its mutually beneficial as this kind of friendship has been missing from my life.   Ok, time to go, I'll update more later. ^_^ Happy times.

[Gabrielle]

What are you wearing on the train?!
Have a great weekend! <3

H. ^_^ 

Just quickly chiming in, I'm having great time... Middle of absolute nowhere but still with perfect wireless internet connection (Welcome to Finland, lol.), we were awake all night, slept too little, had sauna, ton of cuddles and talked about million things to the point that my throat is sore. I wore a red floral dress, kinda thin summery one which is fantastic for flaunting shapes and really lovely to wear, I'll take a picture some time.

Anyway, I'm super busy and having great time. I'm being treated so well, as a woman and a girlfriend. She got me such lovely old school present, flowers, chocolates and really awesome perfume, La Rive She Is Mine, its lovely. I'm really happy, last day has been amazing, so many small things that I've wanted for ages. Being treated so well, absolutely the way I have dreamed is huge deal. Its deinitely a confidence boost. Not surprisingly she told me that its amazing to have someone who's the same, we're kin. Mutual understanding. But she's also such an egg, I'm feeling like a big sister teaching a little one ton of stuff.

Did I mention that my sweetheart wouldn't even be transitioning without my help? I told her about our lovely doctor who helped her get on HRT. I've been also telling everything about NBE and how to make her HRT more effective. I guess its mutually beneficial as this kind of friendship has been missing from my life.   Ok, time to go, I'll update more later. ^_^ Happy times.

I am glad for you didi. You deserve to be happy. Mind, im kind of jealous a little. As i always thought of you as gf material.
Good luck. I really do mean. So nice to be where your at.
But if everything goes pete tong. Then dont hesitate to give me a shout. X

[HelloDiDi]

I am glad for you didi. You deserve to be happy. Mind, im kind of jealous a little. As i always thought of you as gf material.
Good luck. I really do mean. So nice to be where your at.
But if everything goes pete tong. Then dont hesitate to give me a shout. X

Awwww thank you. 

I'm in a kind of peculiar relationship arrangement. I'm engaged to a lovely non binary person for over three years now, in an open relationship with some conditions. And I'm poly, so yea, there's plenty of love in me which is mostly just time and effort it takes to build and maintain relationships. Meaning that I wouldn't want to overdo dating too many. I would say two or three more serious ones is my limit. This is one of the things that took me ages to figure out, let alone to find such a partner with whom it even possible to work it out.

Girlfriend material, I think I agree, although I'm obviously not the easiest person to deal with as I'm complex and I have my problems. But who's not into a challenge? I have mostly dated other difficult and complex people, some of whom have turned out to be the most awesome relationships I've ever had.

[HelloDiDi]

I just wanted to share this... What waited me here yesterday. So cute and that perfume is lovely. I have got gifts before but a traditional old school date gift like this, can't say it enough how my heart melted for this.