[HelloDiDi]

Thanks Wee2er.  

I'm heading back home today. Feeling a bit better, less stress for sure, but I still need more time and there's some important things I need to deal with. I already miss my therapy sessions. Next one is still quite ways away. Its weird how it feels more important and just better as time goes on and I love the ear acupuncture as its so relaxing. 

Me and gf did two quite long walks last week and I want to keep the routine going. Previous one was 7,84km and I burned 1256kcal according to the tracker program. Kinda cool how it calculates calories by weight, so hitting in my numbers resulted into this. Its no wonder because I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. Interestingly though, moving doesn't feel any heavier or more taxing than before so I presume I'm still quite fit despite lacking more rigorous exercise.

Seeing the scale at endocrinologist was a bit of a shock though. I have gained a lot of weight since starting HRT, going back and forth, but ended up slowly gaining. I'm fine with it, its not hampering me from exercise or active lifestyle, its not stopping me from getting my surgeries either as everything except vocal chords is pocketed now. If I need to drop BMI to 35 for SRS, that's totally cool with me as its not a huge effort either. It was just nuts to see that I weight around 280lbs these days. How is it possible that I'm so heavy, yet so fit that long walks and stuff don't wear me down more than before? Feels strange, ten years ago I started to get that exhausted heavy feeling when I went over 230lbs... Maybe healthier lifestyle does it? I don't smoke any more, I rarely drink more than few beers, I eat healthier and take bunch of supplements which are generally healthy stuff to take. But still three years without a lot of exercise outside of walks and housework and yet somehow I'm fine moving around much more weight than before? Its quite crazy to feel more fit and healthy at forty than I did at thirty.  I guess dropping bad habits and all those hours hiking, running, bike riding and weight lifting haven't gone to waste, I'm just bit out of practice at the moment and need to get back at it. BMI be screwed, curves and fitness to carry them is what I want.

Then something about hormone sorcery

I'm running out of things, I'm broke af because moving made so much extra expenses, so I have to prioritise a lot. I'm off of milk thistle, soon off of Ginseng too. I'm running low on glandulars and L-tyrosine but going to restock very soon. I will keep all topicals going to the best of my ability as its magic! The DMSO + Oleic acid combo is so good for absorbing it, NOTHING remains in morning, it all goes right through the skin and doses used are still tiny. No ill effects, but everything good instead! What I've changed on that is that I rub it all into my breasts, then take all extra and rub that to thighs, hips and butt. Once that is done, I apply my skincare stuff on my face and what ever remains of the whole concoction, ends up helping with skincare routine and omg does it work! Also, I've done DMSO cream and two drops of Volufiline oil on my lips for quite a while and they're getting noticeably thicker.

I'm very pleased with taking along the Vitex(Chasteberry) and EPO (omega6) combination to my evening routine. I stocked up with a four month supply on same doses and will keep it going. Its amazing! It'll be interesting to see soon what will VItex do to Prog levels as my friend is gifting me a few month supply and Vitex should boost Prog levels. I haven't experienced any volume loss since stopping progesterone which is quite neat, so something is either keeping its effects going or it does not give me the temporary swelling some people get from it. I have idea why, I was scared that stopping Prog would make me lose volume, but that hasn't been the case. The opposite is, I'm growing at same or faster pace than before, zero loss of volume, but I did note effect on my sleep and mood on which Progesterone has been very beneficial.


Then something I've been thinking about lately.

Further I go, more I've become to lean into old school type of thinking about transition and trans women in general. I'm becoming quite far transmedicalist and truscum, but at the same time I strongly oppose gate keeping and I'm all for medical anarchy. So what am I? I think r/estrogel admin coined the term for this, she called herself a trans separatist. She's really into the same thinking as I am and feels alienated by the "scene" and trendies.

But why is it that most trans women who think like this are hyper fem, they do the performative beauty standard shit really well, adhere to misogynistic patriarchal idea of women, they often appear extremely shallow and rigid in their thinking, especially the types who are visibly on social media. I'm not gonna name names here, but it should be obvious. These people appear to be "trans elitist" more than anything else. They're seemingly always early starters, white/European looking and privileged af so that they can get every surgery under the sun to do the performance of femininity. I have never seen one of this type who isn't near perfect carbon copy of typical IG model. Pleasing to men, caricature of the misogynistic beauty fascism.

I feel even more alien because of them. I'm obviously one of the trans separatists like that Reddit admin person because fuck gate keeping and fuck beauty standards. But yet I want to assimilate and become quite beauty standard conforming myself.... Its a bit conflicting to exist like this. I'm not calling myself an outsider for nothing. It certainly feels like it. Only very few are my kind of people.

[HelloDiDi]

Todays makeup. First time trying magnetic lashes. Easy to apply but eyeliner is pain in the ass to get anywhere near good. I think my face has changed a lot, makeup didn't quite used to have this effect.

[Ninja]

Lara the 3rd picture is fantastic you look so beautiful. Your face has really changed in the last few months getting more  feminine every day. 
those lashes really bring your eyes out and as always fantastic lips ----very kissable 

[Mashtenn]

You look awesome.  You did such a great job with your makeup.  It shows how pretty you are.  I realize that you have had such a hectic past month or so but your determination is showing great results.  Hang in there.