[HelloDiDi]

I hope so? I would really need some place to vent stuff... I don't want to clog my main thread with all the frustrating things about transition and all things not relevant to body changes and boob stuff.

I just don't like my old posts being dug up, picked into pieces and then rubbed on my face ages after. Especially when my first post was nothing about my cynicism towards men or anything like that. Or any other stuff I've said five months ago or more. If someone wants to pick me apart, make me look really bad, its super easy because I'm naive, too honest and too open for my own good and I say bad things some times, I blurt out stuff without thinking and yes I still stand behind what I've said because everything has a reason.

Also what ever I post on bad days, I usually just want things said and then forgotten. It feels good to shout into the void and some times get some words of advice or comfort for it. And then be done with it.

Today has been rough, I rather post happy stuff right now.

EDIT:
I forgot to mention that my BDD is really nasty thing to deal with. And yes there are ways to deal with it, improving my body/looks is the best thing I can do about it because some times I see through it, its becoming more frequent furhter I go with transition. Perhaps at some point veil will be lifted? Anyway, I want to become far more pretty and femine anyway. It will help with BDD also, when others see me in more positive light, so will I. And if therapy fixed me, I would be already fine. No talking has ever changed my body image issues. Back in the day it was easy despite not seeing myself correctly, I knew well that I was attractive and wanted. I know pretty privilege when I had it. I know I lost it along with transition and that I must fix.

[HelloDiDi]

Something funny happened today on the way home, me and gf stopped on the way to the store to buy stuff as I promised to make my awesome almost authentic pasta. I have never had men stare at me like that before, not that much. There was this one +50 years old dude who could not stop staring. It wasn't judgemental stare either, just jaw dropping drooling dumb af stare. He only stopped when I looked back for a while with kinda asking face like wordless "what are you looking at?" kind of expression. Then this same guy went back and forth between isles conveniently stopping to stare more and more and all that time zero judgement, just drooly creepy male gaze. He wasn't the only one either, there were several. I wasn't dolled up at all, just wore jeans and the Star Wars tshirt tied up so obviously showing curves.

Its so strange when from those cis people who know my background I get either rejection, silence or surface level "acceptance" that is more akin to tolerance than accepting anything and then these to whom I stealth, stare at me like I'm some frigging goddess. Today was especially weird somehow. Women either ignore me or behave like women do amongst each other so I know they weren't clocking me. I don't think anyone did, I don't know how they could at this point. When they don't know, then I belong, I'm just a tall curvy lady who's quite a rare sight in a way... Someone with my staure and proportions doesn't run out of the woodwork every day so I guess that's why they stare? The divide is night and day, guys stare, women treat me like a person...

This makes such a weird, almost double life kind of existence, where people close to me and some online know my background and behave accordingly (not a compliment towards a whole bunch of people.) and random strangers treat me like a woman. Its not a stretch to realise why I want to get free of the trans identity thing as completely as I can? The moment I'm just a woman to them, I get treated much better. And mediocre becomes rather attractive that same moment. Its better no one will know.

[Beth14]

I am new on this site and think you’re amazing. You are always trying to help people.

[HelloDiDi]

Thank you Beth.  

I try to, that's why I have stayed here while removing myself from almost all especially trans spaces online. It seems that BN is still the most accepting place for me. And number one niche corner of the internet for boob growth information. Nothing has come close for finding information and leads to more information in one place... Here I'm not an outsider but very much the opposite.

Especially I want to be here for trans women who are still in denial of themselves, or who are scared to look into it all, closeted ones and those what are just starting out. I wish to encourage and even inspire, show that so many myths about transition and boobs and stuff are just myths. And that age is not stopping us! It can slow things down but it wont deny us anything. Its one of the most annoying myths that too many believe in that a graceful, beautiful transition is a privilege of youth. Its not, kids just get things faster and easier, we just have to be more patient and figure out more ways how to deal with it.

But irl, the wrold out there is weird mess. I stealth to anyone who doesn't personally know me and its awesome, it works perfectly. I don't even remember when I was clocked last time for real. Over a year ago? Its kinda neat, the lady who grooms my dog doesn't know, my girlfriends parents don't know, the lady who did my piercings doesn't know and the list goes on... People who I interact with who aren't close to me have zero idea and zero doubt as some would ask me or gf or somebody if they were suspecting something. But as if by magic, no one asks. This is a huge win, I'm two and half years on HRT and I'm 100% stealth passable, not many soon forty year olds can achieve that. Lot of it has just happened on its own, the rest is practice and hard work and yet I feel that I'm not putting in enough effort. 

I'm really grateful for this, but it has glaringly shown how shallow and horrible most poeple are... Attitude changes in a heartbeat if I tell them! It goes from normal behaviour to surface level "acceptance" which is actually more like tolerance than anything else. I go from a woman to a circus freak... Or some third gender or something. Then they start to act weird, awkward, either hostile or overly careful so that they don't offend me somehow or they start to treat me like I'm non binary with forcing gender neutral language which in Finnish sounds ridiculous. I really don't want anyone to know so that I can exist as an ordinary woman to them. If they know, I just can't. Stealth cis passing is still a requirement for a normal life no matter what pretty words people say about it. In this sense, maybe I will be forever outsider. I know I will until the world is different. Maybe once the generations older than mine are mostly gone, maybe then things will be better? So many young people show a huge promise about social acceptance of gender diversity and the fact that we're all actually unique and its great, its just how it should be. Same with gender expression, I hope that androgyny will become trendy, that the stigma of deviating from expected norms becomes acceptable. It shouldn't be brave or rebellious, it should be celebrated that people are unique and dare to be themselves and show it. For me personally, I just want to be one of the ladies. Forcing the trendy "third gender, non binary, gender neutrality" on me is just wrong, I don't like it because I'm a woman, end of discussion. Then my partner, she's non binary and loves anything andorgynous, some times she's really masculine looking even and her personality is so funny, very often she feels like a husband. My trans girlfriend is far more feminine, so this makes a peculiar chemistry where the MtF transperson is more of a woman than my AFAB non binary fiance. xD This is why I love these people so much, for the uniqueness of life experience... I wish everybody would be open minded enough that acceptance would come with understanding.

[Stevenator_]

Being a woman is hard work, or so they say. I used to work closely with Vegas Showgirl Dancers for years, and I was amazed at the amount of time & money they put into costuming, hair & makeup, etc. Then to go out on stage & socialize in character. I could never do that, and you'll never ever see me do that, either.

I used to have tons of friends. I was pushing 2,000 on Facebook, mainly because of my work as an entertainment photographer. It started getting weird when the numbers got that high, but it was even weirder that I knew most of them irl lol.

But politics, # metoo, social protests & covid pretty much made me give society the middle finger. When social media demanded that we use politics as a litmus test for friendship, I walked away and started my homestead farm. I have my cats, chickens, year-round vegetable garden. I have my home brewery, my guitar, my tractor and 12 acres along with my wife.

The close knit circle of friends I did have, all drifted away after we all seemed to get married one after another around the same time period. But for the long list of former friends I did have that chose politics & social movements over friendships, I have no problem giving them the two handed middle finger salute.

Anyway .... It's been said before that trans life is a lonely life, and I guess I'm noticing that now. It's funny, working in entertainment 10-20+ years ago, I knew several trans women, (two who fully transitioned in the early 1960s!) But looking back on them, as well as some who transitioned after Y2K, I could sometimes sense an inner loneliness when they would briefly let down their guard.

Maybe it's a thing. I can only speak for myself, but I can certainly see the similarities and sympathize.

[HelloDiDi]

Maybe I'm just not much of a people person or something... Maybe most people are just total trash, irrelevant idiots I'm better without. I've had a lot of "friends" from metal scene, music business in general, but outside of less than ten of those who have actually made music with me for decades or years, none stuck up with me. They didn't give rats ass about me, they only cared for the music I played.

I had my old facebook account go crazy when I started to accept every request as there was too many to weed through, that was when I was pushing promotion on fb all over the place and it turned out into a horrible nasty mess. I hated it, in the end I ended up removing all those people, how many of them were actual people in the end, that I don't know.

When I say losing lot of friends, "a lot" means like some dozens or something. I guess my circle was always tiny after all. Most never stuck anyway because I didn't have the energy to spare to every random somebody I ran into on a gig or something. But hey, I'm on Finland where people are cold and grumpy and everything is tiny, its not like big old US of A where everything is gargantuan super size mega jumbo over the top excessive.

The only good thing these days is that I have nothing to lose as there's almost nothing left. If I didn't have my partners and my dog, I would be VERY lonely. My guess is, this is what its gonna be, I'll never be accepted into anything and never belong. Cis people hate my guts the second I tell them something.

[Beth14]

You are better off having a small circle of true friends then a large group that is indifferent. The people that support you and love you will be there. If people walk away because they don’t like the “new” you then don’t give them a second thought

[HelloDiDi]

That's what last three years has been... But the feeling of not belinging anywhere, not being able to relate to most trans women and almost no cis women. Knowing full well that I wont ever be truly accepted by majority of people. It hurts. And it goes with the feeling of being less than a woman because of all the things I'm lacking, which I can't have due to this messed up body just not being right.

I always listen to cis women friends talk about their relationships, kids, careers, all this typical cis hetero stuff... I can't relate, there's nothing I can say about any of it as there is no place in that life for me any more. It feels like I'm some weird alien from another planet.