[p_r_1974]

I believe that many members and guests here have experience being bullied at some point in their lives. I too believe their is a special place in hell for bullies. Karma will do much worse than I can imagine to those that earn it. Though, that does not stop me from getting angry with them. It is not usually worth the cost to ones calm, or the jail time for educating them in manners, as the the authorities may become involved if one is better prepared than these wastes of air expect.

I too am glad that you have decided to resume sharing your path forward! I believe it may help many more than those that respond. In screaming to the void, it may be heard at the right time  for those that come  in the next minute to long after we are laid to rest!
(spelling edit)

[IanW55]

Next

Part SEVEN

Now I will get more intimate with my sexual background, this will be very embarrassing, but I cannot just skip it and go to the end because it will not tell you the whole story.

In this session I was asked would I mind talking about my sexual relationships because she felt that will form a very integral part of her diagnosis into some of my issues.

The next bit was more of a question-and-answer session.

C: Did your parents show you any love M: No, it was barren and totally devoid of affection.
C: Do you know why, M: No but deep down I believe that I was not wanted because of my illnesses, I was conceived just after they were married, cannot really explain that?
C: What was the relationship with your father. M: Non-existent, my father wanted perfection, and, in his eyes, I was a failure, because there were other medical issues that put my learning back by two years to be honest Claire, I do not want to talk about that.
C: How did you get on with your mother M: Rubbish cannot really explain it.

Note I have a younger brother who was the star of the family.

C: You mentioned that you were a late developer, when did you first become sexually aware.
M: Mainly the lads in the playground boasted about it, but I could not get an erection till about 14

C: How did occur and what happened M: I was in bed one night and I suddenly felt weird, I became erect and just masturbated and I orgasmed.
C: How did you feel M: Scared because there was blood in my semen, I could not talk to my parents about it. Ironically my father sat me down one day and made a stupid attempt to talk about sex and he used nature to explain it, my goodness I had learnt more at school, it was pitiful.

C: When did you first have a sexual relationship
M: My father stopped me seeing girls, I do not know why, though I got on well with them, probably better than males.
M: First sex was just after I joined the Army, I was 18.9 months when I enlisted and when I was posted to Germany I was taken to a local brothel as an initiation ceremony, I was just turned 19.
C: How did you feel about that. M: Hell, it was over in less than 5 minutes I was ashamed because of my issues with my penis, I got too aroused, you can imagine the rest.

C: How would you describe your sexual orientation. We stopped there because it was getting heavy, and I was struggling to control things.

M: I am a straight heterosexual.
C: You mentioned that you were forced to carry out sex acts on males, were you ever drawn to males. M: Hell, absolutely not.
C: What do you think of Lesbians, Gays and Transexuals.
M: I have no opinion as such because if that is what they want then fair enough, let it happen, it’s been around for hundreds of years also I am a very tolerant person, in fact I know quite a few people from the LGBT society and they have never done me any harm, hey lets live and be happy.

M: Why do you ask that question, C: We will get to that in another session when we talk about your desire for female breasts.

C: We will stop here and in the next session we will discuss your married life and your body.

Note: I was now feeling more comfortable with my therapist, and I felt I could trust her.

[Jennifer]

Ian,

It's like a book, we look forward to the next paragraph.
Keep up the momentum, it could be good for others and for you of course.

Kisses Ian

Jennifer

[Lotus]

Hi Ian, I applaud your courage to share intimate details growing up. I think it's safe to say that our some of our parents who were born during the great depression years had hard lives, and thus came from environments devoid of love. My pops was that way, his parents (my grandparents too) were raised to be tough, show little emotion. Times were definitely different for them, I made an oath to myself (as a kid) to show my future kids love and affection (and I did). I'm relating my experience because I felt what you went through. 

[wInzIg316]

Ian, I am just catching up with your sequence of posts. It makes for painful reading but I hope sharing your story here is helping you find peace.

[IanW55]

Part Eight - Thank you for all the responses.

I went to the next session, I was downhearted I felt this is going nowhere, it was costing me money with no end, how much more money was I prepared to pay out. I told Claire about my concerns; I asked when will you get to the point where you tell me what is wrong with me.

Her response surprised me a little, but upon reflection she was right.

This is expected, I did say I have to be led by you, we can stop whenever you want, but I cannot fix what is broken until I find out what is broken. In your case you have complex issues, I cannot cut corners. We must start at the beginning, it is like baking a cake, if you do not put all the ingredients in, then the bake will not turn out. But as a good will gesture as I feel that you need help, I will extend the session by 10 minutes at the price of one session. My sessions were 50-minute sessions, so it will be an hour per session, so we continued.

C: Before you met your wife have you had intimacy with other women. M: Only one, I was going out with a Nurse for about a year, I enjoyed her company and she mine, but the sex life was rubbish, after a while we both finished it. I believe it was down to me not being able to satisfy her and being underdeveloped and very excitable, we could not find pleasure in intercourse.

C: How did you feel about that M: Rotten and it hurt so much I felt empty, then I started to drink, I nearly became an alcoholic which started to affect my career. Fortunately, I have a very dear friend who sorted me out, he eventually became my best man at my wedding and to this very day we are still very good friends.

I was introduced to my now wife, when I met her I knew it was the one, ok the old cliché but it was, she is a couple of years younger than me and had given birth to a child at the age of 17, but that did not bother me, it bothered my father more than me and too be honest it bothered me with what he said. Weeks went on and because of my last disaster I did not attempt anything sexual because I did not want to fail again, though I knew I would eventually have to.

We were out one night, on the way back to her house she asked me why had I not tried it on with her, (all I had done was kiss her), well I never expected that question, but I am an honest man, it was better that she knows now, so she can make her own mind up.

Back at her house I sat down and explained everything from school days to that moment, she was surprised she did not really understand, so she asked me to show her, I was very reluctant, but she was very kind and persuasive. So I did, this obviously led to intimacy, again my demons took over I ejaculated within minutes, I made my excuses I had to go back to barracks and left.

C: How did you feel. M: Devastated, I had to admit it hurt and I thought I cannot go on like this, in those days late 1970’s and being a soldier there was no help. I felt a failure, I stayed away from her for a few days.

C: But she is now your wife how did you get back together. M: It was through a mutual friend who asked me what was going on, I said we have issue which I did not want to talk about. Mobile phones (cell phones) did not exist then so getting in touch with me was problematic due to security protocols. So, one night I rang her at home, we agreed to meet up.

The issues were still there but we coped, then one night she dropped a bombshell, she said she was pregnant, so I did the honourable thing we got married.

The next session I will tell you about our sex lives and what the therapist finally said what is wrong with me which then leads onto my desire for breasts.

[IanW55]

Part Nine – Nearing the end.

Claire asked me would I mind going a little deeper into my life, I asked what she meant. She said some clients tend to hold something back either from shame or being embarrassed, I feel that you are doing that. I had no idea what she was going on about. I said yes but if I am not happy at the direction it is going, I will stop, she agreed to that.

C: Do you think that your marriage is a happy one, due to your lack of prowess has her attitude changed over the years. You have married 45 years which is wonderful but is there still love in the literal and physical sense.

M: Yes, there is still love but as we have aged and our working lives dictate how we live together our attitudes have changed, for example I left the Army in 1995 we have different patterns of work, she worked shifts and I was always out early, so we ended up sleeping in separate rooms. Our sex lives just waned to the point that she lost interest and we just stopped having sex but not for the want of trying on my part.

C: What did you feel about that situation. M: I was highly sexed but rubbish at it but, so it was not as frequent as it once was, that left me a little frustrated but as I said over time we just stopped.
C: You said that you both had sex, and it just stopped at what point did it stop.
M: Well, I could not satisfy her using the traditional method of intercourse, she had her needs and I had mine. At one point she said I don’t want a bit, but you can, it was horrible like that We used to masturbate each other then she would just do it to me then one day it all stopped.

C: Have either of you ever sought sex outside of the married. M: I was stunned at the question and could not go on, I was then asked to go to my safe place and breath, I was shaking, it must have been at least ten minutes before I could compose myself.

M: My reply was, my wife has never done that, I have but not penetrative sex only massage with hand relief.

I felt ashamed and sick inside, I felt full of guilt that I had told a stranger my darkest secret, it felt as though I had been kicked in the stomach. I cannot really put into words the deep shame apart from what I have just written, it was horrific.

C: Have you tried marriage counselling M: No, she would never talk to strangers about our marriage.
C: Do you still see anyone to get relief. M: I stopped a couple of years ago, I really became repulsed at my shortcomings, to be really honest I was ashamed also paying for it was not what I wanted, anyway I am now retired, and I cannot really afford that.

C: You mentioned a desire for breasts, and you have self-medicated to achieve this, do you know why you have this desire because you told me you have no real feelings towards LGBT.

M: It started about January 2022 we had just moved house and registered at our local doctors and part of the procedure (for our overseas reader it is a free NHS system in the UK). Routine blood tests done. My results came back showing a hormone imbalance where my Testosterone was low, but my Oestrogen (Estrogen) was elevated. Prior to that I had started to develop Gynecomastia, (man boobs), without boing you, the system would not recognise my issues and I have fought a running battle with our health care ever since. Ironically as the weeks passed, I started to feel the urge to grow breasts and accepted the fact it is something that I desire.

C: How does your wife feel about this and does she support you with your desire.
M: Yes and no, she knows I have a medical condition but not my secret desire for boobs.

C: Firstly, thank you for going into your life, I now believe that you are suffering from two conditions that have changed your perspective on how you see yourself in the world in which you live. This has made you feel worthless, and I assure you that you are not, I believe you suffer from Body Dysmorphia and a touch of Body Dysphoria, both in your case are interlinked the latter in your case has been caused by a medical condition.

Ignore what you read on the internet there is no cure for these conditions, do not let anyone tell you otherwise, there are no magic pills for these conditions. Yes, antidepressants will help but never cure, at some stage you will have to stop them, but your conditions will still be there.

How I will treat you is by teaching you how to manage these problems, even though they will still be there they will not cause you the same amount of stress and anguish. Over the next couple of sessions, I will tell you about each condition and what each condition has done to your mind.

Note: We had discussed other things about why I felt a failure and worthless, but I have not bored you with this issue.

[IanW55]

Part Ten – Body Dysmorphia (BD)

This session was more of an informative session and at the end I was given a couple of tasks to carry out then report back at the next session.

C: What do you know about body dysmorphia, bet you looked on the internet, I replied Yes.
C: She just laughed and said you will find all sorts of theories, but most are wrong and written by people who think they know but they do not, so allow me to explain, some of it you may associate with your own condition.

BD It is an acute mental illness where you spend a lot of time worrying about your appearance to the point it consumes your life, the exact cause is shrouded in mystery as no one as yet has found out why it happens, some say it is a genetic disorder or a chemical change in the brain or even a traumatic period in your life.

You may have body dysmorphic disorder if you worry a lot about how a specific part of your body looks and it affects your daily life, you worry how others perceive you as you go about your daily life for example shopping, going out for a meal or even walking down the high street.

Many people often look in the mirror for a long period of time this can make matters worse, you see flaws where there are no flaws, even how your hair looks, your face, your weight, it often makes women apply more makeup than they need the list can go on and on

Other side effects of BD can make you withdraw into your own world, some refuse to go out into the outside world and become recluse, some effects can lead to acute depression which regrettably often leads to self-harm and even thoughts of suicide.

Treatments, many experts will disagree, some say antidepressants, come back and see me in three months then they dole out more pills. Absolutely wrong and barbaric, but I do agree with mild medication in the first instance when there are clear visible signs that the patient is absolutely distressed. Issue medication alongside talking therapies but do not allow that person to stay on medication as most are opioids and become very addictive.

C: So where do you fit into this, clearly you do not need medication you and I are going to do a talking therapy. C: Firstly, let me say you are not obese and definably not ugly, for your age you are of average build for your age and disposition.

C: Do you have a long mirror or just a wall mirror, M: Both C: Ok when you look in the mirror what is it you see in yourself and why do you think that your body is flawed.

M: I see a fat worthless bulk with an inadequate small piece of meat between my legs, I feel that I am a failure and a waste of space. I blame some of it on my parents because as I said I was damaged at birth.

C: Healing body image isn’t as simple as standing in front of a mirror and telling your body that it’s beautiful and that you love it. You will never feel okay because you just won’t believe it.

But what about telling your body that you love it the way you would one of your children or one of your pets, or someone else you loved? Would you all of a sudden stop loving your child or your pet because they gained weight? It’s not about loving the way your body looks, it’s about loving your body in a way that it is now.

Try saying I love you because we’ve been together our whole lives. I love you because you have kept me alive. I love you because even though I’ve abused you and been angry at you and said horrible things to you, you keep me alive. You stay with me. I beat you down, I abuse you, I say mean things to you. You don’t deserve that. You have carried me. You have kept me alive and for that I love you. I know that I don’t love your size or your shape or certain things about you.
I know that I don’t even like you very much. And I know that sometimes I even hate the way you look. But that’s on me, not on you. That’s on society, not on you. YOU are amazing. I’m sorry for the things that I’ve said, I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you, I’m sorry for the things I’ve said that made you feel bad. I’m sorry that I’m probably going to all these things in the future. But please know for now that I love you.”

This is the way you start to overcome your loathing of your body and reset your mind, now what I want you to do is when you go the shops or in places where there are people, I want you to look (Not stare) just look as you pass then, then we meet up I will ask you a question.

When you look into the mirror, I want you to repeat what I said about loving your body.

She gave me a copy of that mantra as part of my homework

[wInzIg316]

Ian, I must say you are fortunate to have what seems to me a first-rate, very wise therapist!

[Wellworn]

Thank you for your eloquent write up Ian. A lot of pain there I hope is finally easing for you. We are all different but definitely some things there I identify with myself.

Wishing you well.