I hope so? I would really need some place to vent stuff... I don't want to clog my main thread with all the frustrating things about transition and all things not relevant to body changes and boob stuff.

I just don't like my old posts being dug up, picked into pieces and then rubbed on my face ages after. Especially when my first post was nothing about my cynicism towards men or anything like that. Or any other stuff I've said five months ago or more. If someone wants to pick me apart, make me look really bad, its super easy because I'm naive, too honest and too open for my own good and I say bad things some times, I blurt out stuff without thinking and yes I still stand behind what I've said because everything has a reason.

Also what ever I post on bad days, I usually just want things said and then forgotten. It feels good to shout into the void and some times get some words of advice or comfort for it. And then be done with it.

Today has been rough, I rather post happy stuff right now. Heart

I forgot to mention that my BDD is really nasty thing to deal with. And yes there are ways to deal with it, improving my body/looks is the best thing I can do about it because some times I see through it, its becoming more frequent furhter I go with transition. Perhaps at some point veil will be lifted? Anyway, I want to become far more pretty and femine anyway. It will help with BDD also, when others see me in more positive light, so will I. And if therapy fixed me, I would be already fine. No talking has ever changed my body image issues. Back in the day it was easy despite not seeing myself correctly, I knew well that I was attractive and wanted. I know pretty privilege when I had it. I know I lost it along with transition and that I must fix.

Something funny happened today on the way home, me and gf stopped on the way to the store to buy stuff as I promised to make my awesome almost authentic pasta. I have never had men stare at me like that before, not that much. There was this one +50 years old dude who could not stop staring. It wasn't judgemental stare either, just jaw dropping drooling dumb af stare. He only stopped when I looked back for a while with kinda asking face like wordless "what are you looking at?" kind of expression. Then this same guy went back and forth between isles conveniently stopping to stare more and more and all that time zero judgement, just drooly creepy male gaze. Rolleyes He wasn't the only one either, there were several. I wasn't dolled up at all, just wore jeans and the Star Wars tshirt tied up so obviously showing curves.

Its so strange when from those cis people who know my background I get either rejection, silence or surface level "acceptance" that is more akin to tolerance than accepting anything and then these to whom I stealth, stare at me like I'm some frigging goddess. Today was especially weird somehow. Women either ignore me or behave like women do amongst each other so I know they weren't clocking me. I don't think anyone did, I don't know how they could at this point. When they don't know, then I belong, I'm just a tall curvy lady who's quite a rare sight in a way... Someone with my staure and proportions doesn't run out of the woodwork every day so I guess that's why they stare? The divide is night and day, guys stare, women treat me like a person...

This makes such a weird, almost double life kind of existence, where people close to me and some online know my background and behave accordingly (not a compliment towards a whole bunch of people.) and random strangers treat me like a woman. Its not a stretch to realise why I want to get free of the trans identity thing as completely as I can? The moment I'm just a woman to them, I get treated much better. And mediocre becomes rather attractive that same moment. Its better no one will know.

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