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Do I want to be a Woman ?

#1

Do I want to be a Woman ?
 
Oh gosh this has opened a can of worms,
 
I thought the low dose HRT was having an effect , ie more thoughts of accepting and facing transition, but now after a therapy session on Monday where we first started at being possible Bi-Gender or at least I did , we ended her with her saying good possibility I am a
TRANSWOMAN in denial,
Think a little early to tell and we will do more sessions,
I asked her the question should I be on low dose HRT, and she said yes absolutely.
I think this validation is more PANDORA BOX than the HRT I am on,
Had a chat with beautiful wife next night and transition was mentioned, we came to the conclusion that the only real stop factor was work, she and kids would be ok.
For years being the forums longest hopper, ie on and off pm/e, ie others were and are more committed to growth, I was convinced I was Bi gender or twin spirit, now I am questioning,
Could I be a TS in full denial, not convinced though, but most certainly transition on the cards hopefully in a few years, I suppose it all depends on whether the noise in my head dissipates or breaks me.
I feel truly split, ie this week I have been giddy and all euphoric at the possibility of transition and yet today feel quite neutral and again ask the question to myself and it’s a well not really seems like a lot of work and hassle, ie back to twin spirit mode.
Even when the therapist asked me if I could wake up tomorrow and just be female no hassle would I ?
And I still could not answer from depth, then 2 days later , ooh yes please ?
Is this denial ?
Or is it the twin spirit balance being more brought to the middle ie by HRT, breast growth, now therapy.
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Julies musings continue
LOL
Julie
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#2

(23-11-2017, 11:03 AM)julieTG Wrote:  Do I want to be a Woman ?
 
Oh gosh this has opened a can of worms,
 
I thought the low dose HRT was having an effect , ie more thoughts of accepting and facing transition, but now after a therapy session on Monday where we first started at being possible Bi-Gender or at least I did , we ended her with her saying good possibility I am a
TRANSWOMAN in denial,
Think a little early to tell and we will do more sessions,
I asked her the question should I be on low dose HRT, and she said yes absolutely.
I think this validation is more PANDORA BOX than the HRT I am on,
Had a chat with beautiful wife next night and transition was mentioned, we came to the conclusion that the only real stop factor was work, she and kids would be ok.
For years being the forums longest hopper, ie on and off pm/e, ie others were and are more committed to growth, I was convinced I was Bi gender or twin spirit, now I am questioning,
Could I be a TS in full denial, not convinced though, but most certainly transition on the cards hopefully in a few years, I suppose it all depends on whether the noise in my head dissipates or breaks me.
I feel truly split, ie this week I have been giddy and all euphoric at the possibility of transition and yet today feel quite neutral and again ask the question to myself and it’s a well not really seems like a lot of work and hassle, ie back to twin spirit mode.
Even when the therapist asked me if I could wake up tomorrow and just be female no hassle would I ?
And I still could not answer from depth, then 2 days later , ooh yes please ?
Is this denial ?
Or is it the twin spirit balance being more brought to the middle ie by HRT, breast growth, now therapy.
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Julies musings continue
LOL
Julie

Ah... Now then. This is a thing I keep questioning myself. I stopped seeing my therapist for this reason, she kept telling me I am transgender and sooner or later its going to happen. Thats not what I wanted to hear. I am constantly fighting the noise in my head, somedays I think full steam ahead, others its put on the brakes. 
When I am out ( dressed male ) and I get called "sir" I hate it. But if Jannet is out and I get called "mam" I love it.
I see normal guys walking around and I think " why can I not just be happy and normal, just like a normal guy, just like people expect me to be. Why do I have this inner feeling of self that is completely different to my outer shell.
For me, this inner torment is going to wreck my marrage, thats another reason I stopped seeing my therapist, she felt that the fact my wife and I are still togeather indicates a strong chance we will work this out and manage through my transition. ( she obviously has neither talked to my wife, or had to hold her crying herself to sleep ).
I think we have opened the pandoras box, and that lid is a bitch to get closed again.
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#3

the On and Off with the hormones is quite understandable in a way, in fact the same thing happens with some toothpastes! (no I haven`t finally lost my mind! LOL) the sort of toothpastes that work on sensitive teeth, you`re a UK gal so i`m sure you`ve seen the Sensodyne adverts where they say the pain came back, and it turns out that they stopped using it when the pain went away.
HRT goes a long way to fixing Dysphoria (not all of it but quite a bit), so when you`re on it you can start to doubt that there`s even a problem that made you start takiing them to begin with.

I`ll let you in a litte secret, something I`v told Nobody, But as part of the work i`m doing at the moment, sharing this with you and others will be a big step towards my Authenticity.

When I first wake up in the morning, whilst I`m laying in bed just oppening my eyes and starting to think about the day ahead, I don`t feel female! in fact i don`t feel anything gendered at all!
it`s only when I put the light on and the coffee pot starts, that I even know what my own Name is! and then slowly I start to feel "normal" again (female).
this Genderless feeling that i get has been a great cause for concern to me, it doesn`t happen when i`m awake, i never feel it during the day, but it also has me doubting sometimes, so I do understand a little bit of what you`re experiencing.

Denial is a Bitch! it`s also a very serious condition and sometime with very serious consequences, it`s Completely alters our entire perceptual reality around whatever it is we`re in denial about. it will give No Clues even to its own existance, lest it threaten to expose itself. even in the face of stark evidence, they will either not be seen or acknoledged, or worse something else entirely different will be seen or perceived. what you are in denial about becomes Truly Un- Thinkable, you litterally cannot even think it, not in a True unfiltered way.
I hope you get the breakthrough that you need, willfully staying in denial or at least being afraid to explore the possibility that you might be will only serve to reinforce these blocks, afteral, if there`s nothing there, there`s nothing to fear, right!?
Eitherway, i`m really excited for you! xx
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#4

Julie,
We've PM'd on this subject, so  you already know what I am feeling on this, but for others, and to add to this conversation, here is my two penn'orth.

I've been x-dressing since the age of about 12 and that was not far off 60 years ago. Not since my mid 20's have I considered the possibility of being fully TS. Some 7 years ago, I discovered this forum and PM, after a brief trial with Flat-2-Fem, which didn't do anything. My wife was initially fully supportive and encouraging of the PM but after about 2 years she suddenly reversed and became very anti and made me stop. Since then I have been on and off PM in secret. Then just over a month ago, I gave E gel a trial for 1 month, finished earlier this week.
Now, aside from breast growth and a significant reduction in body hair, PM did nothing to outwardly feminise me physically, no increased bum/hips, no regrowth of head hair, etc. What it did do however was significantly reduce my x-dressing drive. I noticed this past month that E seems to do exactly the same ( its too short a time to be certain), an increase in breast sensitivity and a definite drop in x-dressing.
However, with having been on and off PM/E half a dozen times over the years, with exactly the same results each time, it recently dawned on me that x-dressing doesn't actually go completely, it just drops back to me wearing what any woman might wear around the house day-to-day and not the 5" heels, short skirts, full makeup and bling, that I wear from choice when NOT on PM.  Blush

You recently asked me what I would say if my wife told me I should take low dose HRT for the rest of my life. My initial reaction was YES but after really thinking about it I changed that to No.
Even during my 4 week trial I found myself thinking about upping the dose from 1mg to 2mg a day and I'm concerned that if I had free access that would accelerate and who know where it might lead. At my time of life, I do not want to risk losing most, if not all, of my family (which is pretty certain on religious grounds) but more importantly, although years ago I could and did go pretty much anywhere 'dressed' with no problems, my face is now aging rapidly and would no longer fool anyone.
 
Plus, and I do not want offend anyone and this next bit is not aimed at anyone in particular, but it is my opinion from the full transition girls that I've met over many years, that very few are actually happy after transitioning and not many are truly passable even when they think they are, themselves. I am happy being me, as I have been most of my life, and I do not want to risk getting sucked in to a path that will lead me personally to long term unhappiness for a short term, and possibly chemical induced, gain.

We are all different of course and I fully support you and everyone else in doing what you believe is right for you, just as I am doing for me, just be sure you are doing what is actually right, not just what seems a good idea at the time.
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#5

I seem to remember saying this to someone lsle on here ages ago (I forget who), but even a Full Diagnosis doesn`t mean you Have to do anything about it if you don`t want to!
I was diagnosed as Transsexual at 19, I went another 30 years acting male and no transition, at the moment you are presented with her hypothesis, and I think you owe it to yourself to explore that and find out for sure, who knows it might not fit any better that being Bi-gender and could be something else entirely!
eitherway you still don`t have to do anything you don`t want to Cool
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#6

LOL

a Girl can be so confused

so here on this thread are two of my role models

Soooooooooooooooooooo jealous of Katie , now a woman,

and

Pansy who has always been my look up to inbetweeny, still holding steady and fast in both worlds,

Now this bit that gets me,

Erections, arent girls not supposed to have any ?

Talk about hormone imbalances as in the start of the week mr happy was slumbering away in his sleeping bag and not wanting to get up in the morning at all , (not too happy about that)

Yet last night I am not kidding you he was awake all night it seemed and morning and kept tapping the wife full of beans with a "lets party attitude",


????????????????????????????????????????

Katie do you still have erections ?
Pansy ?

you can pm if shy of course

or indeed not answer


Lol

Julie

x
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#7

So in reading Pansy post

seems she has the ideal

Physical transition ie breasts , but not social so keeps a normal life,

One note though Pansy


Women do age as well you know and although PM does not seem to feminise the face

HRT can ?

Just a rabbit hole there

x

Julie


Katie you just look hot, I mean your figure , wow , but then again the body on Pansy is amazing

My problem is I dont get any female expression, ie cannot dress any femme in house as have 2 beautiful teenagers

x


Julie
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#8

(24-11-2017, 11:47 AM)julieTG Wrote:  Katie do you still have erections ?


Julie

x

Nope, none at all (Thank God!), I hated them, i mean Truly Truly despised them! and my teenage years were a living nightmare Sad
Fortunately i`v not had any now for about 3 years and it`s impossible to have one now no matter what I (or anyone else LOL) tries.
in fact I don`t know whether it`s the tucking the hormones or Both, but things have changed down there quite a bit too, you can tell it`s trying to become something else (I`ll leave it at that).

Hope that answers things for you? xx
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#9

lol

thank you girlie

see how different we are

In vitals books there are

4 main types of TS

your most def number 1 and I seem to be number 4

The big bang one if correct,

Julie

x
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#10

(24-11-2017, 01:22 PM)julieTG Wrote:  lol

thank you girlie

see how different we are

In vitals books there are

4 main types of TS

your most def number 1 and I seem to be number 4

The big bang one if correct,

Julie

x
Which books?  What are the 4 types?  I am not as studious about this as I should be, tending to let happen what will happen and not feeling very locked in from day to day.   Still, a little insight would be welcomed.  I have been on a start-stop-start-stop jag for several years, and am way past the half dozen mark.  I sort of enjoy the ride but wonder why I cannot just commit one way or the other.  I believe much of the indecision is based on family, social and work-related concerns, but also knowing in my heart that I will never pass.
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