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Growing, growing, gone!...off the deep end

#1

I just wanted to introduce myself today.  I've lurked here for a couple years, joined about a year ago.  I'd have gotten around to this sooner, but I'm really shy.

Until last year, i have never spoken to anyone about this side of me.  With the exception of when my mom found my stash of panties and nighties under my mattress around age 10.  Ok, i admit they were hers.  I tried to explain that i just liked the way they felt.  She sent me to a shrink who after two meetings told my mom that I would "likely turn out gay."  I learned quickly to find a better hiding spot and she never found them again.  Nor did we ever discuss it again.

30 years later, I still only find women attractive, imagine that!

So for 30 years i continued to dress in private, learned very well how to hide it.  Through the years of dating I've wanted so badly to find someone who would be into this, or at least someone who could accept it.  

5.5 years ago I met someone, who I am still with, we only just moved in together a year ago.  Of course when she moved in she found some chicken cutlets i forgot to stash away.  I tried to explain them away, but she immediately went to assuming there was another woman in my life.  The relationship was about to disintegrate before my eyes, I HAD to tell her.  And so we were sitting outside, in silence.  She had said her peace about this other woman who she didn't yet know was me.  I was faced with this decision to open up my closet of secrets, or watch her slip through my fingers.  I know many of you umderstand how hard it is to open up to someone about this.

I turned to her and said "ok, I've been keeping a secret from you."  Long pause as I'm trying to muster up the courage to tell her, even still.  My heart was pounding.  I need to break this silence...i need to break the tension.  I say, "I'm gay."  Long pause...she looks at me as if to say bullshit and i continue"ok, you know full well I'm not gay, but i do crossdress and i have for most of my life.  The cutlets you found are mine."  

Very long talk to follow with a lot of question and answer dialogue.  She hugs me and kisses me and tells me, "I already knew they were yours. I wanted to see if you would be 100% open with me, and if not, i would have left you because i can't live with secrets."  Bear in mind, this all happened like two days after we unloaded the u-haul with all of her belongings into my house. 

Two weeks later, she asks to see my collection, and i show her my fem clothes, boxes and tubs of clothes tucked away in a deep closet.  Breast forms, heels, corsets, everything.

Two weeks later i am unpacking all of those clothes into a dresser.  Hanging up dresses in the closet.  Wow!  I am exstatic that for the first time, EVER, i can put my panties and bras and shapewear, stockings, shorts, slacks, jeans, tops, dresses, skirts, etc.......in drawers or a closet!  They don't have to be tucked away, out of sight anymore in boxes or tubs.  Holy crap!  What a feeling that was, and still is!

She has asked me to dress for her, which i have a few times, though feeling great embarrassment.  I am having trouble, even though she is so accepting, dressing in front of her, being open about it.  I guess because I have hid it for so long, felt shame about it for so long.

There is one thing I still haven't fully told her about, nbe.  I did tell her i have a noogleberry and she didn't seem so keen on me modifying my body, so I very rarely use it anymore.  But i am back using pm again, with buds just starting at only 2 weeks in this time around.  She's going to see them.  She's going to feel them.  She's going to have questions.  I have no idea how that conversation will go, but hopefully better than I anticipate.  Time will tell!

Anyway, i just want to thank everyone here who has helped me without even knowing it.  I have read sooooooo much and learned soooooo much here through all of your experiences and reading all the questions and answers.
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#2

welcome growapair!
Sounds like you have a great woman there.
And supportive so far too.
I'd go slowly now and work on dressing more often, have her get engaged in your makeup, and femme moves, and maybe get out in public, and then say something like "wouldn't it be great if  had some real breasts..not big one but just something in my bra besides silicon"
She may be cool with you dressing in the house but all hell may break loose when you want to expand your femme horizons.
Keep us posted.
Bobbi
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#3

Yup, keep us posted. If you feel shy about it, just writing about it helps in many ways.

I used to be very secretive and even ashamed about my feelings and thoughts in general, especially of those related to my gender or sexuality. It was one of the aims of my presence here on this forum to overcome this and to learn it's normal to be open. The first posts were a torture (and it still is a cute little tortureBig Grin), I was sure noone's interested in my clumsily worded halfbaked opinions and trivial experiences. While it might be quite true, it's also beside the point. Being able to talk freely about oneself without a need of  others' approval is a key to self-acceptance and self-assertion and many struggle with that.
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#4

(16-10-2017, 11:51 AM)oki Wrote:  Being able to talk freely about oneself without a need of  others' approval is a key to self-acceptance and self-assertion

So true!!!
when you learn that your self esteem and self worth doesn`t require Anyones validation, approval or even acceptance, then you`re on the path to real Authenticity! Cool

Growapair, the more you practice dressing in front of her, and being yourself around her whilst dressed the sooner it`ll become the new "normal". Honestly, i felt exactly the same way as you did at first as well (and my wife is my best friend!) it`s a bit like smoking when you`re a kid, your parents may know and all that, and you could have been smoking for years! but as soon as you have your first smoke in front of them you just feel like a real goof! LOL
this too shall pass! xx
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