[oki]

Uh-oh, Eden, how do I respond to the post like this?
The zeal made me smile and chuckle upon the first reading, but soon I realised that without this crusader-like attitude towards my cause I just won't make any of my dreams come true. It might seem unbelievable, given my "results", but deep inside I still see myself as just playing some casual private game which I can step outside of any time it gets too intense. And I constantly abuse this escape backdoor to safety .
But how do I achieve the paradigm shift? From being ashamed to being proud? I've recently tried (the spirit of the post on my mind) to consciously push myself the extra bit, disregarding ingrained notions of appropriateness, ignoring the screaming disonance, letting my hair down. Even though it feels fake and like a lie, repeated a hundred times it might become the truth, become me.
And it might be my only chance, because I'm fed up with my male personality. Often paralysed by calculating and over-thinking, with no emotion and spontaneity. On those (alas, how rare) occasions I feel like a woman it's like some happy uninhibited autopilot takes over me and guides me by intuition. It's the moments like these and the possibility of bringing out and nurturing this part of me that gives me hope.
Ah well, I respond with another soul-searching rant... I suppose I need to prioritize finding a therapist and a support group.