19-01-2017, 04:25 PM
Hello!
I've recently got me a job as a carer for the disabled in the UK, which means a lot of travelling, challenges, learning and no time for BN. I'm back home for a while though so it's time for an update on my progress.
There were many reasons behind my going for this kind of job, several of them, should I say, trans-related. I needed the finance to fund some more serious steps towards feminization (facial hair removal, for instance). I wanted to get away from the inhibitions of my hometown, family, background, habits, etc. and explore my trans feelings with fresh perspective. I wanted to confront those feelings, efforts and results with the world out there, beyond my everyday horizon. I wanted to finally have an encounter with a guy, which I don't feel like doing in my own backyard, it being a small town and all...
What was learned and achieved? Money... 's not that bad mate, to borrow a phrase. Guys... I dipped my toes in a world of gay dating apps and had some girly fun with that but nothing real happened yet. Apparently I'm too fem and not that interesting for your average gay Joe, heh.
NBE... It was difficult to maintain the regimen, but I was feeling very motivated most of the time and stuck to the core stuff: PM with Ca, WP, reishi, PC, coconut oil. FG irregularly. At one point I run out of reishi and seeing the £ prices opted to replace it with EPO. I must admit I might have underestimated the AA potency of my cheap Czech reishi extract, as the effects of T seemed to kick in hard soon after.
After just 6 or 7 weeks of careless/irregular dosing (following another break) I ended with quite serious results. It's fun and joy when hidden behind walls or clothes, but when naked... The splendid days of ambiguity are gone and I now look like a transsexual-in-making. And more and more self-conscious of the fact, like a teen girl ashamed of her changing body. I used to enjoy going to the pool or spa and show off a little, now I find it really hard to stand the looks and occasional muffled talk ("you see?" "yeah" "never seen a trans before" "neither did I"). Well I don't run away from such situations but can't enjoy myself in them anymore.
And that's the point where I ask what's the point of the whole damn thing? When it tangibly subtracts from my enjoyment of life and adds to it in subtle ways only? I always felt that my feminization has to be authentic or not to be at all; an integral and natural part of my experience that must not devolve into something hidden and shameful, a fetish. Yet this fight for uh... "purity of vision" seems to be a losing case at the moment.
On the other hand the solid fact is there is no going back to the flat chest, hair all over, doing husbandly tasks for GFs, competing with males, being on top in bed... Thus I carry on with my journey, two steps onward and one step back, trying and often failing to enjoy the process, hoping it doesn't end in disaster...
I've recently got me a job as a carer for the disabled in the UK, which means a lot of travelling, challenges, learning and no time for BN. I'm back home for a while though so it's time for an update on my progress.
There were many reasons behind my going for this kind of job, several of them, should I say, trans-related. I needed the finance to fund some more serious steps towards feminization (facial hair removal, for instance). I wanted to get away from the inhibitions of my hometown, family, background, habits, etc. and explore my trans feelings with fresh perspective. I wanted to confront those feelings, efforts and results with the world out there, beyond my everyday horizon. I wanted to finally have an encounter with a guy, which I don't feel like doing in my own backyard, it being a small town and all...
What was learned and achieved? Money... 's not that bad mate, to borrow a phrase. Guys... I dipped my toes in a world of gay dating apps and had some girly fun with that but nothing real happened yet. Apparently I'm too fem and not that interesting for your average gay Joe, heh.
NBE... It was difficult to maintain the regimen, but I was feeling very motivated most of the time and stuck to the core stuff: PM with Ca, WP, reishi, PC, coconut oil. FG irregularly. At one point I run out of reishi and seeing the £ prices opted to replace it with EPO. I must admit I might have underestimated the AA potency of my cheap Czech reishi extract, as the effects of T seemed to kick in hard soon after.
After just 6 or 7 weeks of careless/irregular dosing (following another break) I ended with quite serious results. It's fun and joy when hidden behind walls or clothes, but when naked... The splendid days of ambiguity are gone and I now look like a transsexual-in-making. And more and more self-conscious of the fact, like a teen girl ashamed of her changing body. I used to enjoy going to the pool or spa and show off a little, now I find it really hard to stand the looks and occasional muffled talk ("you see?" "yeah" "never seen a trans before" "neither did I"). Well I don't run away from such situations but can't enjoy myself in them anymore.
And that's the point where I ask what's the point of the whole damn thing? When it tangibly subtracts from my enjoyment of life and adds to it in subtle ways only? I always felt that my feminization has to be authentic or not to be at all; an integral and natural part of my experience that must not devolve into something hidden and shameful, a fetish. Yet this fight for uh... "purity of vision" seems to be a losing case at the moment.
On the other hand the solid fact is there is no going back to the flat chest, hair all over, doing husbandly tasks for GFs, competing with males, being on top in bed... Thus I carry on with my journey, two steps onward and one step back, trying and often failing to enjoy the process, hoping it doesn't end in disaster...