[WantAPair]

Lol!! I think I'm about to have my period!!

[Scotti]

Amazing Justine how your story reads so much like mine and others. Congrats on finding this site and a local support group to help you find the true you. I'm confident you will find true happiness as you continue your journey!

[Justine DeLaCroix]

Hi,

a small update from me. Live has been really good, since I decided to change and finally accept me for who I truly am.

Met some wonderful people in the selfhelp group and one person especially has been just amazing.
She is there and helps me with all the small and big steps that I'm taking.

I had days now were I was just me, Justine, for more than a few hours and I even went outside and experienced my first time as a girl in public. It was just exilirating (spelling correct?)
We went shopping, some nice shoes, a cute blouse and a sexy skirt.

Been having a couple of sessions with my therapist and she is also great.
And she is looking into me going on HRT.

I got some PM and been using it together with some spray on my chest area and my skin and my nipples have become so senstive, it's super exciting, but also a little distracting. There has definitly been a litlle growth and wow, it feels so good to have my own breast growing. :blush.

I feel so good and know I'm finally, finally on the right path.

[jannet.duff]

Hi,

a small update from me. Live has been really good, since I decided to change and finally accept me for who I truly am.

Met some wonderful people in the selfhelp group and one person especially has been just amazing.
She is there and helps me with all the small and big steps that I'm taking.

I had days now were I was just me, Justine, for more than a few hours and I even went outside and experienced my first time as a girl in public. It was just exilirating (spelling correct?)
We went shopping, some nice shoes, a cute blouse and a sexy skirt.

Been having a couple of sessions with my therapist and she is also great.
And she is looking into me going on HRT.

I got some PM and been using it together with some spray on my chest area and my skin and my nipples have become so senstive, it's super exciting, but also a little distracting. There has definitly been a litlle growth and wow, it feels so good to have my own breast growing. :blush.

I feel so good and know I'm finally, finally on the right path.

Nothing is quite as exillerating as your first time out shopping. Strange as it may seem, I feel less conscious shopping dressed, than I do in drab. When dressed, it feels just right shopping for myself as Jannet. You may find that too.

[Justine DeLaCroix]

Bad day. I feel like a freak and I don't know if I can go on like this.
Wha can't people accept me for who I'm?
I'm neither a pervert nor some kind of monster, so why do they treat me like one?
Why do mothers whisper and point at me?
What makes me so different from other people who don't fit their way of thinking?
I didn't choose to be what I'm, I just am what I'm. A human being, no matter what I look like and no matter what my gender is.
Yes I'm damn tall and at the moment am trapped between two worlds.
I hate it, I hate this so much and again I ask why?
I don't know if I can stand this suffering any longer.
Cause no matter what I do, the pain is always there.
Living in hiding, can't stand the masquerade.
But my work place won't truly understand, so I still live part time.
But I's getting harder to hide and I will have to talk to my bosses and tell what's going on.
So being the true me part time, feel better until I go outside and then the suffering starts again.
So I go back into hiding, my place, safe place with like minded people.
But I don't want to hide.
Fuck thsoe damn sheeple. I hate this, why do they have so much power over me? Why can one incident seemingly destroy weeks of happiness and giddyness?
I was so happy, when I felt my that my breast where growning, when I touched flesh and skin, where a few weeks ago neither skin nor flesh could be felt.
Why do I feel so fucked up right now, a freak of nature, who was punished by being born in the wrong body.
Why was I cursed by nature and grew into this damn tall male, with hair and muscles in all the wrong places.
I HATE THIS!!!!

[CalmlyAndrogynous]

You are where you are, but you are moving on to something better. Your NBE regimen will change you physically to be less masculine over time.

Sadly, you and I share the same issue, we won't get shorter.

Particularly when you are early in transition, people will notice the incongruity of your appearance and if it is not something they are used to, will stare.

I live in a country that used to have a white immigrants only policy. That finished a long time ago, but it is only recently that we have been getting a lot of NE African immigrants. Their skin is darker than any that I have seen and they have fairly distinct features. My sense of curiosity makes me want to stare and examine because it is not something I am used to. That is my instinct, but not what I do because they are people, not curiosities.

Yes, some people are rude. Some people are judgemental. Just remember that is their problem and not yours. Don't let them get to you.

*Hugs*
Calmly

[Naomiko]

(Sorry for length, I hope it's worth the read)

I think we’ve all had those days at one point or another. The journey we sail seems to be upon waves of love and hate. We love feeling the fresh air caress our new skin, the exhilaration of self-rediscovery, feeling the sunny days of progress. Then there are the stormy days; the stares…the whispers…the scurvy of shame and doubt eating away at the heart of our freedom.

They’re staring. They’re probably talking about me. What the hell am I doing? Why can’t they just accept me or at least leave me alone? I must look like a ridiculous side-show! More labels and layers that bind us, chain us, and cover our true self. Words and labels hurt, it’s hard to get away from that. It’s hard to stop believing in the imaginary post-it notes that others pin on us – that we pin on ourselves – but we need to. If we stop placing value in words/opinions, we take away the power for them to hurt us…at least hurt as much.

But it’s not easy. I was just going through a lot of similar feelings as you over the last few days. Weeks of feeling great followed by a few days of wanting to crawl back into my protective shell. I think it’s perfectly normal to have times like these, the ups and downs, days and nights, rough patches that shake our faith and determination. It would be rare to be 100% sure of everything 100% of the time no matter what obstacles or challenges arose. I think most of use would probably love the ability to wave a wand and shed of this man-hide cocoon and free our hidden butterfly. Unfortunately, scaling the mountain of transition is hard and takes time but through patience and perseverance we will come out on top.

The other day, I went out as Lana for my second day-walk. It’s really hard to shake being nervous and feeling self-conscious. I kept trying to remind myself of the advice that I read on here and from other sources: Most people are too busy with their own lives to notice, but if they do…who cares? I know, easier said than done when you’re walking around feeling like your naked…but it’s a start.

I also try to tell myself to not worry about ‘passing’…just be myself. I’m Lana, I’m trans, I’m in transition. Baby steps, baby steps. I don’t even try to use a feminine voice yet. Sure, it throws people off and I get a few ‘confused puppy’ looks…but it’s one step at a time. One step at a time. I do this because it helps take the edge off…less pressure. It helps relax my mind so I’m not stressing over if I’m walking the right way, if my make-up overdone/underdone, so I worry a lot less about how others perceive me. I wasn’t even afraid to walk passed the guy that held the door open for me, although he was too busy staring at my chest to notice my 5 o’clock shadow lol…

I apologise for chattering on. I’m basically trying to say that we know and feel what you’re going through, many of us are still going through it. We all hate hiding, feeling weak and ashamed, staring at the unfamiliar face in the mirror. I’ve also asked why many times. Is there some method to the madness, a reason for the suffering? Maybe if we can use the experience of our suffering to reach out and help others overcome similar trials and pains that almost broke us.

At the end of the day, we have each other. We love and accept each other’s true selves in our community, but more importantly…we understand each other. Look to those further along the journey for inspiration. Look to those beside us to keep each other going – one step at a time – we can make it. Look behind us to the beginning of the path, to those that are struggling and losing heart. Take their hand and say “I know…but don’t give up now…it gets better! Come with us, run with us, you are never alone.”

One step at a time. It will get better, one day you will look over your shoulder and realise just how far you have come. One step at a time, you will get there.

Try to remember: You are who you are and you are beautiful!

Thank you for your post, Justine. It was really nice to be reminded I’m not the only one going through these ups and downs. You helped me feel better, I hope something in this long post helps you.

PS: I don’t know what kind of music you’re into, but these songs keep me going.

KISS -- Crazy Crazy Nights

Lisa Lougheed -- Run With Us

Joan Jett -- Bad Reputation

[Billie]

I have a psychologist, a psychiatrist and I go to support groups. Somehow I was blessed with good healthcare. I was a child of an alcoholic and I had a school counselor. I had the ability to choose my own Psychologist. He understands gender sexual preference issues. I choose a Psychiatrist who is a Acupuncturist, a Neurologist and a PHD. Also I got to support groups for my issues. My main group has other artists and musicians with my same issues. The hospital we meet at has a Hospital specialty for Sex Reassignment Surgery. A lot of folks working in town are passing their year of living as the sex they want to be.

[WantAPair]

We all have "freak" days, and, you think YOU have it bad?? I'm 6' 9" with a few teeth missing (thanks to a dentist I went to when I was 12!!), AND, as my family's been in this house since 1936, nearly everyone here knows me, my brother was in jail for most of the last few years of his life for child molesting (although, we're pretty sure he didn't exactly do it), so, a lot of the immediate neighbors STILL consider the entire FAMILY to be child molesters!! AND, I'm at least marginally famous around here for being the drummer in a local band for 25 years!!

While in the band, I always wore a mini skirt, leotard and pantyhose or tights to play gigs because it just works MUCH better for me the way I play, than if I were to wear a t-shirt and ANY kind of pants! Every night after a gig, if I had to walk home from Oakland (a good 90 minute walk!), because nobody would drive me home and I don't have a car, I'd walk home in my stage gear, maybe with a t-shirt on instead of the leo and, quite often, with a bra and fake silicone tits on and I'd go the shortest route I knew, which, at 3:00 a.m. or so, took me through one of the roughest areas in this city and, in all those years, I never ONCE got hassled on the street!!
Not to point any fingers, but, it just stands to reason that the only reason they "have the power to hurt you" is because you give it to them. You just to develop a thicker skin and not let the shit bother you anymore. That might be easier for ME to say, because I've ALWAYS been picked on by SOMEBODY!!!! EVERYTHING about me is SOMEBODY'S target!! To this very day, my uncle, who's known me since I was at least 2 or 3 STILL makes fun of the way I eat at the dinner table!! You'd think that after 10 or 20 years of it and me STILL eating the same way, he would've caught on and gotten bored with it, but, NO, he's in his 80's and I'm pushing 60 and he's STILL doing it!!!! I get it if I cut off the fat from my meat, make a pool of gravy in my mashed potatoes, dip my potatoes into the gravy until it's all gone, then refill the gravy, the way I butter my bread, EVERYTHING!!!! It only bothers me THAT he still does it, but, I tend to give it back to him!! He eats like he's never eaten before, so, I might tell everyone else, just keep your hands and feet away from his mouth and you SHOULD be alright!! I don't think he even gets it!
Arm yourself with a plethora of snappy come-backs and an "I don't give a shit!!" attitude and you'll stand a better chance. They only pick on you if they get the feeling it'll bother you and make THEM feel superior, so, you just have to stand up to them and knock them down a few pegs. Someone once called my style of put downs, "verbal karate", because, I just have this way of taking an insult thrown at me and turning it around and throwing it back at them, hurting them more, in the process. Basically, just don't ALLOW their insults and whispers to bother you! As of last Oct., I've had to wear these knee nigh compression stockings that kinda look like knee-high tights. They're pretty thick. I can't tell you how many times I spot people on the bus looking at them an then whispering funny comments about them to their friends, or whoever is sitting next to them, like I'm actually wearing knee high L'eggs!! I see them do it, but, I just blow it off!! Tough fucking shit if they're too stupid to realize WHY I'm wearing them!! Also tough shit that they're too stupid to know better than to make fun of ANYONE that's different from them!! I don't have to explain ANYTHING to them!! And, I can nearly ALWAYS find something about them to make fun of!! Normally, I don't do that, but, if they can do it to me, I can EASILY do it to them!!!!
It's bad enough that I get made fun of just because I'm very tall, have long hair and don't have ANY inclination to dress like the clones and robots THEY are. FUCK....THEM!!!!!! Do THEY come to ME an ask ME how they should dress?? I may not LIKE what they wear or how they look, but I'll support their right to do it!! Too bad it doesn't come back at you!! HOPEFULLY you can lead by example, but, if that doesn't work, FUCK `EM!!!! If they can dish it out, they better DAMN WELL be able to take it!!!!
Anyway, what matters most is that YOU do what makes YOU happy!!!! You have NOTHING to prove to them!!!! Who died and made THEM the Fashion Police????
As I've said here before: