13-02-2015, 10:16 PM
Hi I'm Justine and here is my story. I might get a little bit longer and I apologize for that.
I think, no I know, I have a problem with my gender identity.
Some of my earliest memories are of me dancing in my sisters ballet outfit in our living room. I was about 4 or 5, at that time my parents thought it was kind of cute. During my childhood I did all those things a boy is supposed to do, sports and getting it to trouble, but guess what, it never felt right. I played soccer 'cause I was expected of me. I watch sports, because this is what little boys do. I did some martial arts, because boys. Deep inside I was not, I watched my sister and her friends when we picked them up from ballet classes and wished I could be part of that.
But I pushed so feelings away, I was a boy, the son of a proud father.
Fast Forward a couple of years, to me being 11 or 12. I some how managed to survive, fleeing into the vritual worlds of early videogames truly helped.
On day I was home alone, doing my houshold chores, folding laundry, I found a bra of my sister that some how got mixed in with my laundry. I never really paid attention to this garment. But holding it in my hands I was fascinated. It was some soft and pretty and so different from everything I had in my closet. I decided to keep it and hide.
For the next couple of weeks I would look at it and touch it. Fighting the urge to put I on. Finally I gave in and did was those inner voice screamed into my ear. I was at same time amazed and disappointed. Amazed because it felt some much better than I thought it would. I have to admit it was in some way sexually arousing, but mostly it was a freeing experience and a a relief somehow. I felt light and whole, maybe for the first time in my live.
But it was also disappointing, because there was nothing to fill the cups. There was just my flat boyish chest, no breast.
Over the next couple of weeks, whenever I was home alone, I would wear the bra and to counter the emptiness of the cups, I would use waterballoons. Then it hit me again and some other inner voice started whispering in my ear: why am I doing this? Why does this feel so good and so right to be wearing this feminin garb? I'm a boy, almost a teenager?
I'm a the son of a proud father. I'm good at sports, I play soccer, because this is what boys do!
So I pushed my feelings away and tried to be the best tenage boy of all time, good in school, good at sports and a good with the girls. Always getting the compliments that I knew how to talk to them, that I understand them. If only they would know how much I understood and how much I was suffering on the inside.
Then came something that changed everything, something that should be the greatest moment in a young persons life, your first love.
She was amazing, she was everything a boy could wish for in his first girlfriend. And she was also everything I wished to be. Discovering sex was the first time in my life that I didn't despise my male equipment, because I gave my some form of enjoyment. This helped me to cope with the difference between my inside me and my outside me.
I dicovered porn and watched it, after awhile I switched to girl on girl, because I would always fantasize about being one of them and having sex with guys didn't appeal to me....yet.
The lastet quit sometime, trough my whole teenage years to be honest. Nature was kind to me, but also cruel depending on the which side of me looked at it. I grew tall, muscular, strong and hairy. My voice got really deep.
I was and am, if you look at me, a healthy specimen of a male human being.
Inside I was dying with every inch I grew, with every octave my voice dropped, with every hair I grew on my body.
But I somehow survived fleeing from reality into games, films, comics, a healthy dose of girl on girl porn and my dreams and imagination.
Oh I should mention this was way before the internet, way before the world had opened up. And on top of that I lived in a small town and didn't know where to go, or who to talk to.
Then I graduated and went to university, I got my own place, left my old life behind and started knew. Being the son of a proud father I was convinced to get an degree in a field that would provide money and power.
It was expected of me to find a girl, settle down, start my own family.
Didn't happen, I had affairs, nothing lasted longer than 6-10 months.
And one day I found this catalog in my mail, It was delivered to me by mistake, it was a mail-oderd catalog for lingerie.
Running up the stairs to my place I thumbed through it. I was fascinated by what I saw, I had never occured to me to order something by mail.
I ordered something, that to me besides a bra is the most female piece of lingerie, a black garter belt, the matching panties and stockings.
And then the incredible, excrutiating wait began. Remember this was still the time of snail mail.
Then one day I got my priced package in the mail. Unwrapping its contants felt like heaven, my heart was racing, my breathing was faster. I put the garter belt on with trembeling fingers and it fit like a glove.
By chance I discovered there was a store in the city that catered to crossdresser, tansvestites and transsexuals.
I went there and was in heaven. I met some like minded people and went on a shopping spree.
Soon I would have more female then male clothes.
Everyday once I was in my own apartment, I would dress in female clothes. Yes there was something fetishistic about it, something sexual, but I always felt whole, relaxed, like myself being dressed as a woman.
Then I moved and I stood in front of my closet and the voices, the male voices inside me screaming incredible loud.
What was I thinking and doing? I was a guy, a dude and I was the son of a proud father.
So I packed everything up and threw it out and repressed my feelings for the next few years.
It worked for a while, but then it came back with a vengence. It discovered that in the last few years there was an onslaught of shops that openend online, that catered to people like me.
And soon I was getting more and more feminine after work. The whole the nine yrds. Skirts, blouse, heels, dresses, lingerie, corsets, heels, wigs. I lerned how to do my make-up.
And to my surprise I discovered, that I wished for my penis to go away. I still enjoyed girl on girl scenes, but I started looking at „normal“ porn. And I always pictured myself being the woman.
And she/I became more and more real. I gave myself a new name and develop an online life.
People knew me as a girl. It was freeing and the more I developed my female persona online, the more I suffered in reality.
I had and have an amazing job, I was and am a respected member of society and my family, but deep inside that was no longer me. It was and is a mask.
To make it short, this continuited for some time. I would try to push my female, my true self aside, but she would always be back. I got married and divorced.
Was I sad? Yes, but also reliefed, because as much as a tried I was never feeling like a husband.
Now I’m back to shadding my male mask every night I come home.
I’m seeing a psychologist, but some how he can’t believe my feelings.
„You are to manly“ is what he said. But you see I’m not. I just became very good a pretending to be a man.
I somehow feel trapped and I don’t know what to do. I feel I missed out on my true life and I don’t know if there is a way that I can change that. I tried very subtly to find out what my surroundings think about transsexuals, but I only discoverd missunderstanding, mockery and fear.
So now I caught between a rock and a hard place, give up everything become the woman I’m supposed to be or continue living masqueraded as a dude and live out my feminine side in unfulling secrecy.
I seriously don’t know how much longer I can keep up with this.
I think, no I know, I have a problem with my gender identity.
Some of my earliest memories are of me dancing in my sisters ballet outfit in our living room. I was about 4 or 5, at that time my parents thought it was kind of cute. During my childhood I did all those things a boy is supposed to do, sports and getting it to trouble, but guess what, it never felt right. I played soccer 'cause I was expected of me. I watch sports, because this is what little boys do. I did some martial arts, because boys. Deep inside I was not, I watched my sister and her friends when we picked them up from ballet classes and wished I could be part of that.
But I pushed so feelings away, I was a boy, the son of a proud father.
Fast Forward a couple of years, to me being 11 or 12. I some how managed to survive, fleeing into the vritual worlds of early videogames truly helped.
On day I was home alone, doing my houshold chores, folding laundry, I found a bra of my sister that some how got mixed in with my laundry. I never really paid attention to this garment. But holding it in my hands I was fascinated. It was some soft and pretty and so different from everything I had in my closet. I decided to keep it and hide.
For the next couple of weeks I would look at it and touch it. Fighting the urge to put I on. Finally I gave in and did was those inner voice screamed into my ear. I was at same time amazed and disappointed. Amazed because it felt some much better than I thought it would. I have to admit it was in some way sexually arousing, but mostly it was a freeing experience and a a relief somehow. I felt light and whole, maybe for the first time in my live.
But it was also disappointing, because there was nothing to fill the cups. There was just my flat boyish chest, no breast.
Over the next couple of weeks, whenever I was home alone, I would wear the bra and to counter the emptiness of the cups, I would use waterballoons. Then it hit me again and some other inner voice started whispering in my ear: why am I doing this? Why does this feel so good and so right to be wearing this feminin garb? I'm a boy, almost a teenager?
I'm a the son of a proud father. I'm good at sports, I play soccer, because this is what boys do!
So I pushed my feelings away and tried to be the best tenage boy of all time, good in school, good at sports and a good with the girls. Always getting the compliments that I knew how to talk to them, that I understand them. If only they would know how much I understood and how much I was suffering on the inside.
Then came something that changed everything, something that should be the greatest moment in a young persons life, your first love.
She was amazing, she was everything a boy could wish for in his first girlfriend. And she was also everything I wished to be. Discovering sex was the first time in my life that I didn't despise my male equipment, because I gave my some form of enjoyment. This helped me to cope with the difference between my inside me and my outside me.
I dicovered porn and watched it, after awhile I switched to girl on girl, because I would always fantasize about being one of them and having sex with guys didn't appeal to me....yet.
The lastet quit sometime, trough my whole teenage years to be honest. Nature was kind to me, but also cruel depending on the which side of me looked at it. I grew tall, muscular, strong and hairy. My voice got really deep.
I was and am, if you look at me, a healthy specimen of a male human being.
Inside I was dying with every inch I grew, with every octave my voice dropped, with every hair I grew on my body.
But I somehow survived fleeing from reality into games, films, comics, a healthy dose of girl on girl porn and my dreams and imagination.
Oh I should mention this was way before the internet, way before the world had opened up. And on top of that I lived in a small town and didn't know where to go, or who to talk to.
Then I graduated and went to university, I got my own place, left my old life behind and started knew. Being the son of a proud father I was convinced to get an degree in a field that would provide money and power.
It was expected of me to find a girl, settle down, start my own family.
Didn't happen, I had affairs, nothing lasted longer than 6-10 months.
And one day I found this catalog in my mail, It was delivered to me by mistake, it was a mail-oderd catalog for lingerie.
Running up the stairs to my place I thumbed through it. I was fascinated by what I saw, I had never occured to me to order something by mail.
I ordered something, that to me besides a bra is the most female piece of lingerie, a black garter belt, the matching panties and stockings.
And then the incredible, excrutiating wait began. Remember this was still the time of snail mail.
Then one day I got my priced package in the mail. Unwrapping its contants felt like heaven, my heart was racing, my breathing was faster. I put the garter belt on with trembeling fingers and it fit like a glove.
By chance I discovered there was a store in the city that catered to crossdresser, tansvestites and transsexuals.
I went there and was in heaven. I met some like minded people and went on a shopping spree.
Soon I would have more female then male clothes.
Everyday once I was in my own apartment, I would dress in female clothes. Yes there was something fetishistic about it, something sexual, but I always felt whole, relaxed, like myself being dressed as a woman.
Then I moved and I stood in front of my closet and the voices, the male voices inside me screaming incredible loud.
What was I thinking and doing? I was a guy, a dude and I was the son of a proud father.
So I packed everything up and threw it out and repressed my feelings for the next few years.
It worked for a while, but then it came back with a vengence. It discovered that in the last few years there was an onslaught of shops that openend online, that catered to people like me.
And soon I was getting more and more feminine after work. The whole the nine yrds. Skirts, blouse, heels, dresses, lingerie, corsets, heels, wigs. I lerned how to do my make-up.
And to my surprise I discovered, that I wished for my penis to go away. I still enjoyed girl on girl scenes, but I started looking at „normal“ porn. And I always pictured myself being the woman.
And she/I became more and more real. I gave myself a new name and develop an online life.
People knew me as a girl. It was freeing and the more I developed my female persona online, the more I suffered in reality.
I had and have an amazing job, I was and am a respected member of society and my family, but deep inside that was no longer me. It was and is a mask.
To make it short, this continuited for some time. I would try to push my female, my true self aside, but she would always be back. I got married and divorced.
Was I sad? Yes, but also reliefed, because as much as a tried I was never feeling like a husband.
Now I’m back to shadding my male mask every night I come home.
I’m seeing a psychologist, but some how he can’t believe my feelings.
„You are to manly“ is what he said. But you see I’m not. I just became very good a pretending to be a man.
I somehow feel trapped and I don’t know what to do. I feel I missed out on my true life and I don’t know if there is a way that I can change that. I tried very subtly to find out what my surroundings think about transsexuals, but I only discoverd missunderstanding, mockery and fear.
So now I caught between a rock and a hard place, give up everything become the woman I’m supposed to be or continue living masqueraded as a dude and live out my feminine side in unfulling secrecy.
I seriously don’t know how much longer I can keep up with this.
