[PleasantlyFascinated]

Hello -

I am a 57 year old male who has discovered this site in roundabout way. I am completely at ease with my sexuality… except I’ve recently been trying to figure out what it is - in comparison to others.
I’ve just found out that I’m unusual.

I cannot be gay, since I have never had an erotic feeling about another male for a moment in my entire life, and suspect I never could for any amount of trying.
It appears that I cannot be bi-sexual, for the same reason.
I like being male. Only… I also want to be female. I adore the female body so much that I want to have one.

Most of my life, having a female mate provided to me the object of my adoration. But, being now into my 6th year of a sexless marriage, I have become aware of an adaptation I’ve made. My wife of 20 years developed a hostility towards sex which is irreconcilable. So, instead of seeking divorce, I embrace my inner female.

This has not produced any major personal gender identity struggle that I’m aware of. When I’m feeling sexual and feminine at the same time, I totally want to be in the receiving role. Yet, other than for male genitals, I cannot find a male body attractive, let alone a typically male ego. Go figure.

Which brings me to this site. I have yet to find any other forum that seems to fit my particular slant. Everything else I’ve seen about feminization has to do with “forced” or “dominant” or sissification as a form of degradation or subservience. That is definitely not my world. Fem means love, and love means respect - in my world.

And yes, I am SO tempted to grow breasts. I want to be female in private, and male in public.

Breasts, however, could prove mighty inconvenient for me most of the time, when I present as all-male.
Nevertheless, Life-Flo makes an interesting progesterone/estriol cream that I just can’t resist rubbing on my tits each night.
After a year or more, I notice I have gotten steady breast growth. And, instead of getting scared and stopping, I admire my titties in the mirror and tell myself “just a little more, it’s reversible”. I don’t know, maybe it’s not. Now, to add to my folly, and to my private pleasures, I’ve started using Kangzhu breast enlargers and a cupping kit to lavish upon my nipples (and other special places). I’m now aware of my breasts all of the time. They’re growing faster, and I’m not sure I want to stop.

It seems I fit in, at this site.

[AnnieBL]

Welcome to the board, PleasantlyFascinated.

I'm fascinated by your introduction since I can relate to it in an intriguing number of ways, although in quite different circumstances in others. One of the great things about this place is the diversity of the members situations and motivations. Let's hear more from you.

[GoneGirl]

Welcome, Pleasantly Fascinated. I think you'll feel right at home here.

Clara

[Samantha Rogers]

Hi PF,

This is interesting, and bears many similarities to my own story (so look at me now, and beware...lol bwahahaha...LOL)
I was your age when I first came here and could have repeated many of the same statements.
Be aware of a few things.
Most males in a sexless marriage will seek relief through an affair or pornography. Seeking it in some form of feminization likely indicates some form of gender identity struggle or dysphoria, though not certainly. (a therapist could be helpful in determining that)
Growing breasts is not a process that exists in a vacuum. It requires altering ones hormonal balance to more resemble that of cis female. Whether this is done through herbal self medication or through physician monitored synthetic hormones, the essential truth is the same. This is HRT..hormone replacement therapy. There are risks and benefits.
Most important of these, to me, is that you may find yourself going places mentally that you never expected to go...I certainly have, and I am fine with it, in fact I love it, more than I can say. But not everyone feels that way.
You may lose or significantly reduce all or part of your male function depending upon length of time and strength of dosage.
Herbal HRT does not work for everyone. You may not get much growth. Age is a factor. Younger is better. On the other hand I was your age when I started and have had some decent growth. Your mileage may differ.

Having said all that, as is sort of required...lol...welcome to the board. There is a ton of information here, based in research and personal logs left my many smart people over a long time. So be prepared to read a lot. But feel free to ask questions as there are many of us here that are more than willing to assist.
Glad you are here, sweetheart.
Welcome to the family.
Hugs
Sammie

[PleasantlyFascinated]

Thanks Sammie, Annie, and Clara -

Sammie,
The porn only increased my frustration, and an affair would compromise my integrity. I can’t exactly pinpoint what caused my interest in feminization, or how long it has been with me. It seems I’ve merely become more aware of it, and am incrementally finding out where that leads. The mental places I go with my private Aphrodite seem to give me a flood of oxytocin that I carry for hours afterward. It’s a feeling as if I am with my soulmate, only what I’m in communion with is the Yin and Yang of myself, and for a time, I feel complete and primed simultaneously.

I work out daily, but do so mostly to build muscular pectorals, hips, buttocks, thighs and calves. I love to enhance what feminine form I have.

You are also correct, in that I do not want to lose one bit of my male function, at least not long-term. The idea or even feeling of temporarily losing male function does not bother me when I’m in my private happy place. But if I were ever to get a divorce, and again have a sexual relationship with a woman, I would want to be 110% for her, as my imaginary Eros is 110% for me.

So, as you say, breast growth fascination did not/does not occur in a vacuum. What sex I am or feel like I am is a fluid experience for me. I was a ballet dancer from age 17 to 27, and never once doubted that I was all man. I guess being a Taurus sun and Scorpio moon makes me a creature of opposites seeking merger.

I’m thinking that my situation is what’s making me want to express as female. You are correct to warn against irreversible changes.

Thanks

[Samantha Rogers]

Well, lol, we really do have a lot in common, despite appearances. My background is in the performing arts myself, and much of what you say I could have said myself.
Mine is first and foremost a spiritual search for authenticity.
Just for what it is worth, my endo assures me that short of surgery and breast growth, nothing is irreversible. Thought you might like to know that in relation to function. And speaking personally, the loss of libido does not trouble me currently because it eases things since my situation provides no outlet nor prospect for one anyway...lol. If that changes I expect I would take steps to reverse things somehow. And even as things stand (or don't...lol) I still think I would be able to manage something if the right emotional conditions were met.
And also, for what it is worth, in earlier years, before marriage, I had many totally hetero liasons (perks of being a leading man) and the feminine side was deeply sublimated and denied.
Its a journey of discovery, honey, and the destination counts less, far less, than the journey itself....at least IMO...lol.
Nice to meet you. I hope this site and the girls here can help you in your journey.
Hugs
Sammie

[PleasantlyFascinated]

Thank you so much.

My journey has become a very isolated one, and I feel bashful to say how much I’m wishing to hear from the girls here.

I banked on having my wife as partner, friend and confidant. I learned much too late how little capacity she has for even beginning to understand me. For 10 years now, I live in complete emotional isolation, and nearly total social isolation. It is wearing a little thin, and I want so much to blossom back out into communication with people at a personal level.

[GoneGirl]

Its a journey of discovery, honey, and the destination counts less, far less, than the journey itself....at least IMO...lol.

Yes, it's like living adolescence all over again, except as the opposite sex.

Clara

[Samantha Rogers]

Thank you so much.

My journey has become a very isolated one, and I feel bashful to say how much I’m wishing to hear from the girls here.

I banked on having my wife as partner, friend and confidant. I learned much too late how little capacity she has for even beginning to understand me. For 10 years now, I live in complete emotional isolation, and nearly total social isolation. It is wearing a little thin, and I want so much to blossom back out into communication with people at a personal level.

Nothing to be bashful about, sweetheart. I promise you you are not alone in feeling that way. Relationships often work out differently than we had hoped. Sigh, I can tell you...
Loneliness is a crowed room.
I wager a good number of us find our way to this site and others like it for exactly the same reason.
Its ok. You have friends here now, and we have your back.
Hugs
Sammie

[pom19]

Dear PleasantlyFascinated, you have just found out the following truth:

"What I was seeking without, I could only find within."

It is how you may become whole. Welcome to the Forum. POM